fragility.
i think it's such an interesting concept. right? we drive, speak and act as though it is a non-factor, right? as if we are this unaffected being, something that can survive anything. the idea of controlling our own destiny is an entirely intoxicating reality for most.
what i wish was more discussed, is the absolutely fragility of our lives, and everything that includes.
we blow through yellow-to-red stoplights, as though it's the norm, we talk as though those who we are speaking to will always be here by our side, we react in accordance with our feelings, as though those we love will not be eternally affected. the theme? invincibility.
no one should live their lives in fear, actions should not be taken or not taken due to the idea that tomorrow may never come - instead i truly believe that every moment should be lived as though you don't know what will come next. i mean really, isn't that the truth of it? you can't live a life full of what-ifs, but can you live a life you are proud without making every moment a conscious decision? not guilt, not pressure, just simple thought and decision-making. sometimes i think our culture, even christian culture, drives us toward this ideal of perfection, whatever that looks like. i don't mean that, but what i do think counts is that when we look back over life, our own and other... that we moved forward, we made decisions, we made waves, we loved, lost, looked, and everything in between.
i don't want to live a life full of looking back, wishing i would have been more attentive to my decisions... instead they were made by default.
we are all fragile, everything in our lives is fragile - and i think if we live without that fact in our every day lives we are fools. yes, God is in control, always. but if we ignore that anything can happen, at any time, we have learned nothing.
a truly wise individual sees that while we cannot control what happens to us, we can control what we do. there is no victim, there is no silly excuse, we choose, we move, we go, we do. just make sure that when you do, it is truly something from your heart - not a thoughtless reaction.
we are all fragile. handle with care.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
friends are friends for... never?
we all grow, do, move.
i know i've thrown this around before, but it is so hard to comprehend that with all of this change that we can possibly stay friends with all of those we come into contact with. close friends, ya know, not every acquaintance. i think what gets me the most is that, i really do think that there are seasons for everything. but what i gotta figure most people, even christians, don't take into account is that this whole season thing is a two-way street. sometimes God brings about a season in your life for a specific purpose, to forge something deep and beautiful in your soul. but sometimes, you bring about the season yourself, based on personal life choices. now i'm not saying the self-inflicted seasons are always bad for us, but let's face it, most of us don't bring a season of happiness upon ourselves, it's usually something not quite so grand (i.e. - we don't usually call having an awesome couple of a months a season, it's usually when the crap hits the proverbial fan :)).
(stepping off of pedestal)
i think that a lot of "seasons" in my life were due to my own human (aka - dumb) choices, and while Jesus brought something beautiful out of them, they were unintended miracles of the heart.
back to friends! if we are all experiencing seasons, and they may be God or self seasons, and throw in crazy life circumstances, it is just really hard to believe that some of our loved ones will always be exactly that... now i'm not talkin' marriage. as you know, i believe that this is a totally different matter, vows and all, "until death" is not a metaphor, or something to take lightly, it really means until your dying breath. something beautifully romantic in that, not death, but the inexplicable commitment of enduring love throughout years, generations, and finally, in the passing on to God's kingdom. i am not entirely excited to meet that day, for myself nor for Ryn, i know the heartbreak will be excruciating - but i am excited to meet my beautiful maker.
ok, no seriously, back to friends. i just don't know. don't get me wrong, i do have the best of friends, some of which i know that i will love forever and eva, that we will always be connected, even when we're too old to remember each other's names, we'll still sit together on a sunny porch, polishing off strawberry-rhubarb pie and flipping through whatever future "People" magazine they will have in 2080. but there are others, i just don't know... what if we all change? and what if that change is what defines where we are going? and what if where we are going is not only not in the same general vicinity, but in the exact opposite direction?
i know, my head gets too wrapped up in what if's. my uncle is a teacher who deals specifically with children who have special needs. he told me today about a little boy in his class who used to incessantly ask "but what if...?" after some time, my uncle has gotten him to the point where instead of asking "what if", he says "i have something to tell you..." there's a wonderful confidence in that little boy's statement. i guess i just need to have a little more of that in my life some days, and there's a never-ending wealth of that in a God with all of the answers.
maybe friends are friends forever.
i know i've thrown this around before, but it is so hard to comprehend that with all of this change that we can possibly stay friends with all of those we come into contact with. close friends, ya know, not every acquaintance. i think what gets me the most is that, i really do think that there are seasons for everything. but what i gotta figure most people, even christians, don't take into account is that this whole season thing is a two-way street. sometimes God brings about a season in your life for a specific purpose, to forge something deep and beautiful in your soul. but sometimes, you bring about the season yourself, based on personal life choices. now i'm not saying the self-inflicted seasons are always bad for us, but let's face it, most of us don't bring a season of happiness upon ourselves, it's usually something not quite so grand (i.e. - we don't usually call having an awesome couple of a months a season, it's usually when the crap hits the proverbial fan :)).
(stepping off of pedestal)
i think that a lot of "seasons" in my life were due to my own human (aka - dumb) choices, and while Jesus brought something beautiful out of them, they were unintended miracles of the heart.
back to friends! if we are all experiencing seasons, and they may be God or self seasons, and throw in crazy life circumstances, it is just really hard to believe that some of our loved ones will always be exactly that... now i'm not talkin' marriage. as you know, i believe that this is a totally different matter, vows and all, "until death" is not a metaphor, or something to take lightly, it really means until your dying breath. something beautifully romantic in that, not death, but the inexplicable commitment of enduring love throughout years, generations, and finally, in the passing on to God's kingdom. i am not entirely excited to meet that day, for myself nor for Ryn, i know the heartbreak will be excruciating - but i am excited to meet my beautiful maker.
ok, no seriously, back to friends. i just don't know. don't get me wrong, i do have the best of friends, some of which i know that i will love forever and eva, that we will always be connected, even when we're too old to remember each other's names, we'll still sit together on a sunny porch, polishing off strawberry-rhubarb pie and flipping through whatever future "People" magazine they will have in 2080. but there are others, i just don't know... what if we all change? and what if that change is what defines where we are going? and what if where we are going is not only not in the same general vicinity, but in the exact opposite direction?
i know, my head gets too wrapped up in what if's. my uncle is a teacher who deals specifically with children who have special needs. he told me today about a little boy in his class who used to incessantly ask "but what if...?" after some time, my uncle has gotten him to the point where instead of asking "what if", he says "i have something to tell you..." there's a wonderful confidence in that little boy's statement. i guess i just need to have a little more of that in my life some days, and there's a never-ending wealth of that in a God with all of the answers.
maybe friends are friends forever.
but that's a different kind of love, love, love, that i've been thinking of
i cannot count the times that i listened to the Fishy song by Philmore throughout high school and early in college. it holds such great memories, and yet, it's shocking to think that my life has changed so radically since that point in time that i don't even totally understand why i liked it so much back then.
isn't that kinda funny? things can have such emotion attached to them purely based on memories from past-you, but future-you would prolly laugh, not get them, or understand why silly past-you would ever like them. sometimes i wonder...
what would 18 year old Kelly have to tell 28 year old Kelly? i think people always talk 'bout it the other way around, ya know? like, what would 28 year old Kelly tell 18 year old Kelly. yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know this story line, "don't do this, you'll totally regret it", "bet on the Saints", "don't eat so much Taco Bell", etc etc. but the untold story of how not to forget who you used to be.
time can do some funny things to you, and i really think God leaves these grand little nuggets of memories for us to find, a gentle little reminder of who we were, or maybe who we still are, we've just hidden that part away for a little while.
time to come out and play lil' 18 year old Kelly, you had a lot of fun back then, let's try it again, only this time with 10 more years of knowledge behind you... put the two of us together and we could do some pretty awesome stuff :)
isn't that kinda funny? things can have such emotion attached to them purely based on memories from past-you, but future-you would prolly laugh, not get them, or understand why silly past-you would ever like them. sometimes i wonder...
what would 18 year old Kelly have to tell 28 year old Kelly? i think people always talk 'bout it the other way around, ya know? like, what would 28 year old Kelly tell 18 year old Kelly. yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know this story line, "don't do this, you'll totally regret it", "bet on the Saints", "don't eat so much Taco Bell", etc etc. but the untold story of how not to forget who you used to be.
time can do some funny things to you, and i really think God leaves these grand little nuggets of memories for us to find, a gentle little reminder of who we were, or maybe who we still are, we've just hidden that part away for a little while.
time to come out and play lil' 18 year old Kelly, you had a lot of fun back then, let's try it again, only this time with 10 more years of knowledge behind you... put the two of us together and we could do some pretty awesome stuff :)
i'm no superman
adulthood, the bane of ages... literally. the age of fall - a new season, the leaves fall, the birds fly south, the hibernation of many species. the beginning of winter brings the death of plants, but the birth of a new season. many things will live and love again, for other things it is the end of a season.
i've been thinking about new beginnings. fall is usually (at least in MN) a time of loss, time for things to return to the ground that they came from. but fall, beloved by many a minnesotan, is also a time for a refreshing start. me? i don't love fall because it means cold. i am a freezebaby by nature, cold is evil and warmth is god, but for once, i feel that fall is a season of purpose... not something to be taken lightly, but instead something to be valued.
i have hope, hope for a life unknown and the heart of what is to come. maybe it's an unnaturally warm october, maybe it's the beauty of a lying in the sun when it really should be too cold to even be outside without a jacket - or maybe, just maybe, this whole whole warmth thing is comin' from the inside, not the outside...
alright fall - let's do this!
i've been thinking about new beginnings. fall is usually (at least in MN) a time of loss, time for things to return to the ground that they came from. but fall, beloved by many a minnesotan, is also a time for a refreshing start. me? i don't love fall because it means cold. i am a freezebaby by nature, cold is evil and warmth is god, but for once, i feel that fall is a season of purpose... not something to be taken lightly, but instead something to be valued.
i have hope, hope for a life unknown and the heart of what is to come. maybe it's an unnaturally warm october, maybe it's the beauty of a lying in the sun when it really should be too cold to even be outside without a jacket - or maybe, just maybe, this whole whole warmth thing is comin' from the inside, not the outside...
alright fall - let's do this!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
jaded eyes
always interesting to me to see people who cannot admit past life choices they've made that were not wise (or even actual mistakes), because of their sheer fear that it would destroy the very fabric of who they now are and why. it's not that i think it's silly, i can understand the fear, but unless you married the wrong person (legit!), or you've murdered someone, chances are, it's gonna be okay.
take a deep breath and assess your life. it's okay to take a realistic look at it and admit the mistakes that you've made, and, "GASP!", no, really, i mean it - admit them.
now yes, it's true, there are people out there who have made life-altering, astronomically-large mistakes, that truly have transported them into a life that maybe, possibly, they just weren't meant for... but i would guess, those situations are relatively rare.
we, the collective we, for the most part, are not too stupid. typically if we are on the verge of a real dumb mistake someone we love (or sometimes hate) will drag us back from the brink, the cold facts of reality will slap our faces, and we will be thankful for the fresh perspective of those who can see things far more clearly than we can.
but - what happens when you look back on your life and there are one or two moments in which you know you truly did make a mistake? flawed judgement. i mean sure, we all make decisions we regret, like take the wrong exit, get off on the wrong floor, or snap at someone that really wasn't the reason for our crabiness... but i meant genuine mistake, one that when you look back over your life, stands out, not necessarily because of it's magnitude, but because of it's ramifications.
i don't really know what the answer is to this one. not much rolling around this head at 12am on a sunday morning, other than the fact that - we are all human. this is not an excuse, nor a reason. it is simply a fact.
that said - if you know that you have made a rather large incorrect life choice, a mistake, take care of it now, don't wait. did you steal a car? nope. did you rob a bank? highly unlikely. is it the end of the world? i think not. but it is never too late to change, never too late to not only realize who you want to be, but more poignant, who you are right now.
God can do some pretty amazing things. we just have to stop seeing it all through jaded human eyes.
take a deep breath and assess your life. it's okay to take a realistic look at it and admit the mistakes that you've made, and, "GASP!", no, really, i mean it - admit them.
now yes, it's true, there are people out there who have made life-altering, astronomically-large mistakes, that truly have transported them into a life that maybe, possibly, they just weren't meant for... but i would guess, those situations are relatively rare.
we, the collective we, for the most part, are not too stupid. typically if we are on the verge of a real dumb mistake someone we love (or sometimes hate) will drag us back from the brink, the cold facts of reality will slap our faces, and we will be thankful for the fresh perspective of those who can see things far more clearly than we can.
but - what happens when you look back on your life and there are one or two moments in which you know you truly did make a mistake? flawed judgement. i mean sure, we all make decisions we regret, like take the wrong exit, get off on the wrong floor, or snap at someone that really wasn't the reason for our crabiness... but i meant genuine mistake, one that when you look back over your life, stands out, not necessarily because of it's magnitude, but because of it's ramifications.
i don't really know what the answer is to this one. not much rolling around this head at 12am on a sunday morning, other than the fact that - we are all human. this is not an excuse, nor a reason. it is simply a fact.
that said - if you know that you have made a rather large incorrect life choice, a mistake, take care of it now, don't wait. did you steal a car? nope. did you rob a bank? highly unlikely. is it the end of the world? i think not. but it is never too late to change, never too late to not only realize who you want to be, but more poignant, who you are right now.
God can do some pretty amazing things. we just have to stop seeing it all through jaded human eyes.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
too short to be too long
it's decided. life is too short to not be committed.
heard a quote this weekend by Tupac, talking about wanting to die for a cause, to live for a cause.
now, let's be honest, i'm not really down wit da hood (other than shoppin at hood-cub) and my ghetto-ness pretty much starts and ends with the appearance of my 'rolla, so i know i prolly don't totally "get" the full meaning of the quote. but what i do get is that without committing your life to something, pretty much anything really, will be the only thing that matters when you're here, and also when you're no longer here.
k, hear me out. when you're on this earth, you got a lot to do, not enough time to do it, and like adhd butterflies we flit from exciting thing to exciting thing. which is good in some ways, right? we get to really experience life in many forms, all of the grand things God has created for us, so many incredible adventures. once we are no longer here though, only our memories stay alive on this earth - but if we never committed to anything, we have not created a legacy to remember, just a person. i don't mean to sound picky or anything, but truly, what do you remember about people when they die? it's the things that they lived for, right? if you didn't really live for much, except your own momentary happiness, well...
my point is not nearly as clear or definite as i would like it to be, but i still feel it's implications. committing to some one, something, somewhere... that to me is a truly beautiful life. a committed life knows many adventures, many heartaches, many many joys - and i believe it is a core part of our humanity. yes, you can certainly disagree, there are many who feel commitment, in any form, to anything or anyone is a tragedy - in my opinion, a life without it is the most heart-breaking thing i've ever seen.
heard a quote this weekend by Tupac, talking about wanting to die for a cause, to live for a cause.
now, let's be honest, i'm not really down wit da hood (other than shoppin at hood-cub) and my ghetto-ness pretty much starts and ends with the appearance of my 'rolla, so i know i prolly don't totally "get" the full meaning of the quote. but what i do get is that without committing your life to something, pretty much anything really, will be the only thing that matters when you're here, and also when you're no longer here.
k, hear me out. when you're on this earth, you got a lot to do, not enough time to do it, and like adhd butterflies we flit from exciting thing to exciting thing. which is good in some ways, right? we get to really experience life in many forms, all of the grand things God has created for us, so many incredible adventures. once we are no longer here though, only our memories stay alive on this earth - but if we never committed to anything, we have not created a legacy to remember, just a person. i don't mean to sound picky or anything, but truly, what do you remember about people when they die? it's the things that they lived for, right? if you didn't really live for much, except your own momentary happiness, well...
my point is not nearly as clear or definite as i would like it to be, but i still feel it's implications. committing to some one, something, somewhere... that to me is a truly beautiful life. a committed life knows many adventures, many heartaches, many many joys - and i believe it is a core part of our humanity. yes, you can certainly disagree, there are many who feel commitment, in any form, to anything or anyone is a tragedy - in my opinion, a life without it is the most heart-breaking thing i've ever seen.
Friday, November 25, 2011
two feet, one heart
it is so strange to have one foot in the cheeriness of the season, one that is thankful and exciting, beginning the journey toward a hopeful christmas... and one foot in the mourning experience, a crucial piece of which is focusing on the past, remembering what it meant then, and what it also means today.
it's been a rough week for many people, both within our community and outside it as well. this experience has been a very good reminder that the holidays are not always a happy time for everyone - there is often deep hurt or buried regret in the hearts of those we pass by daily.
have a little grace with the folks you encounter today, you don't know the burdens that they may be carrying...
it's been a rough week for many people, both within our community and outside it as well. this experience has been a very good reminder that the holidays are not always a happy time for everyone - there is often deep hurt or buried regret in the hearts of those we pass by daily.
have a little grace with the folks you encounter today, you don't know the burdens that they may be carrying...
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
peaceful resting (in)
it's been a long day. Ryn said it best with "there are no words." but in true Kelly-style, i feel the need to fumble around with sentances, even though none will suffice, in hopes that somehow it will bring some semblance of something - just not sure it works that way...
the night before last night we lost a dear friend, someone that both James and Ryn have known for most of their lives. Rick Faulkner died on Monday night, and leaves behind a beautiful fiance and baby son.
there is nothing i can say really, so i'm not gonna try and talk about what his life meant, or how they will live on in his absence, or that his memory will bring honor to his son and fiance... i feel drawn to say the cliche things, "he was so young", "it doesn't seem fair", "why would God do this?", but instead my mind keeps getting pushed toward the beauty of life and how precious every moment is. what i want to focus on right now is thankfulness - for a life that was cut short, but how those who are left still have time to love.
be thankful for what you have, let parting words you say to family and friends always carry the flavor of love, and do not take your life for granted.
prayers and blessings to Rick's family and friends - he is a wonderful man...
the night before last night we lost a dear friend, someone that both James and Ryn have known for most of their lives. Rick Faulkner died on Monday night, and leaves behind a beautiful fiance and baby son.
there is nothing i can say really, so i'm not gonna try and talk about what his life meant, or how they will live on in his absence, or that his memory will bring honor to his son and fiance... i feel drawn to say the cliche things, "he was so young", "it doesn't seem fair", "why would God do this?", but instead my mind keeps getting pushed toward the beauty of life and how precious every moment is. what i want to focus on right now is thankfulness - for a life that was cut short, but how those who are left still have time to love.
be thankful for what you have, let parting words you say to family and friends always carry the flavor of love, and do not take your life for granted.
prayers and blessings to Rick's family and friends - he is a wonderful man...
Monday, November 14, 2011
happiness
yesterday was a lovely day... i spent a large portion of the afternoon lazily walkin 'round the mall of america in true kelly style (adorable by totally uncomfortable boots), relishing some much-needed alone time. i mean, don't get me wrong, i love people, but if there is one thing i would be perfectly fine doing alone for the rest of my natural-born life it would be shopping. there is just something about it, flitting about, from shop to shop, no agenda, no purpose, just enjoyment... love it!
anyway - the always exciting MOA also was privy to a lot of young, decked-out, high school girls patiently waiting for some little dude, a country singer i think? looked like he was 14, but hey, what do i know? :) so while the mall was over-run with crazies, i was still able to score some rockin' gorgeous shoes (see FB pic), and be totally and completely superficial. yes, that's right, i said it. every once in a while it is just grand to be utterly superficial, and let some darling shoes just make your day. which they did :)
back to the point. as i sat on my stoop last night and gazed up at the stars i really had my breath taken away. partially because i'm still mildly ill and it's not hard for my breath to be taken away... and partially because i couldn't help but be a little overcome with just how incredibly happy and lucky i am.
i don't mean to brag here, but i just have to share some of the joy that is on my heart, otherwise i think i just might burst. i have the world's most amazing husband that i can't help but fall in love with again and again every day, a wonderful home that i really enjoy working on and improving, a superb dog that keeps me company and guards me with her life (all 135lbs of her!), a truly amazing family, both natural and through marriage, beautiful and graceful friends (inside and out)... and a very loving God who has really given me the desires of my heart - some days, without me even realizing it.
so i guess i just felt compelled to sit down and write a little about my life - and just how blessed i am. happiness? yes. in my heart. always.
a hottie hubby and a great pair of shoes always sweetens the deal a lil' bit ;)
anyway - the always exciting MOA also was privy to a lot of young, decked-out, high school girls patiently waiting for some little dude, a country singer i think? looked like he was 14, but hey, what do i know? :) so while the mall was over-run with crazies, i was still able to score some rockin' gorgeous shoes (see FB pic), and be totally and completely superficial. yes, that's right, i said it. every once in a while it is just grand to be utterly superficial, and let some darling shoes just make your day. which they did :)
back to the point. as i sat on my stoop last night and gazed up at the stars i really had my breath taken away. partially because i'm still mildly ill and it's not hard for my breath to be taken away... and partially because i couldn't help but be a little overcome with just how incredibly happy and lucky i am.
i don't mean to brag here, but i just have to share some of the joy that is on my heart, otherwise i think i just might burst. i have the world's most amazing husband that i can't help but fall in love with again and again every day, a wonderful home that i really enjoy working on and improving, a superb dog that keeps me company and guards me with her life (all 135lbs of her!), a truly amazing family, both natural and through marriage, beautiful and graceful friends (inside and out)... and a very loving God who has really given me the desires of my heart - some days, without me even realizing it.
so i guess i just felt compelled to sit down and write a little about my life - and just how blessed i am. happiness? yes. in my heart. always.
a hottie hubby and a great pair of shoes always sweetens the deal a lil' bit ;)
Thursday, November 3, 2011
wind beneath your wings
i've heard a lot of theories in my life. glass half full, glass half empty, live and let live, hold on to hope, etc etc.
one of the things i hold to is the idea that love is the greatest of all (cor 13). yeah, married gal lens, but i still think it's true. i've learned a lot in a serious relationship of 8 years (married for 2.7), there are many times when we get the best of ourselves, but mostly, love is based on selflessness.
i will say this now, and say it again - a genuine relationship must be based on being your significant other's cheer leader. sounds simple - right (minus the whole cheerleader outfit, heyyo! :))? but so true. you must, above all else, have your (in my case spouse) significant other's back. i've read interviews, read a few books, had a few life experiences... but i really don't think you can beat trust. someone you know will have your back no matter what, someone who will encourage you regardless of the situation, how can that not be the epitome of happiness?
i see so many relationships where people love each other. which is great. but when the rubber hits the road, they don't actually have that quality of wonder, the one that instills beauty in everything, that thing that inspires - knowing that the one that you love not only loves you, but believes in you no matter what. yes. there are many important parts to relationships... but i can guarantee you that if you do not know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that the person you love above all else will stand behind you through thick and thin, believes in you and your abilities, and will encourage you in every way (likes, dislikes, passions, hopes and dreams), your relationship is going to suffer. yes, there is fear in that equation - no human is perfect, and no one is without failure, but the foundation of trust is built on the love and respect of "that one", and it can only flourish in that same way.
ladies - grab a toe-hold, cuz this is something that can scare us, but it is totally and completely necessary. a man cannot thrive unless we give him the freedom and ability to do so.
men - the beautiful woman you adore will not grow into what she is meant to be if you do not cherish what she values and respects.
point taken? yes. you must be the person, that when asked, the one you love could say, without a second thought, that you are the one who is the silly-termed "wind beneath your wings"... if you're not, well, you really should wonder... who is?
love is the greatest of all - but you must remember, everyone feels love in a different way. does the one you love feel that support from you in the way that they personally need it?
one of the things i hold to is the idea that love is the greatest of all (cor 13). yeah, married gal lens, but i still think it's true. i've learned a lot in a serious relationship of 8 years (married for 2.7), there are many times when we get the best of ourselves, but mostly, love is based on selflessness.
i will say this now, and say it again - a genuine relationship must be based on being your significant other's cheer leader. sounds simple - right (minus the whole cheerleader outfit, heyyo! :))? but so true. you must, above all else, have your (in my case spouse) significant other's back. i've read interviews, read a few books, had a few life experiences... but i really don't think you can beat trust. someone you know will have your back no matter what, someone who will encourage you regardless of the situation, how can that not be the epitome of happiness?
i see so many relationships where people love each other. which is great. but when the rubber hits the road, they don't actually have that quality of wonder, the one that instills beauty in everything, that thing that inspires - knowing that the one that you love not only loves you, but believes in you no matter what. yes. there are many important parts to relationships... but i can guarantee you that if you do not know (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that the person you love above all else will stand behind you through thick and thin, believes in you and your abilities, and will encourage you in every way (likes, dislikes, passions, hopes and dreams), your relationship is going to suffer. yes, there is fear in that equation - no human is perfect, and no one is without failure, but the foundation of trust is built on the love and respect of "that one", and it can only flourish in that same way.
ladies - grab a toe-hold, cuz this is something that can scare us, but it is totally and completely necessary. a man cannot thrive unless we give him the freedom and ability to do so.
men - the beautiful woman you adore will not grow into what she is meant to be if you do not cherish what she values and respects.
point taken? yes. you must be the person, that when asked, the one you love could say, without a second thought, that you are the one who is the silly-termed "wind beneath your wings"... if you're not, well, you really should wonder... who is?
love is the greatest of all - but you must remember, everyone feels love in a different way. does the one you love feel that support from you in the way that they personally need it?
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
two faced - a personal struggle
i think we all let our evil twin out of the closet every once in a while.
currently, my evil twin isn't so much evil, as it is not really me. and the place that this impostor shows her face most often is my job. i struggle deeply with the equation: work kelly + real kelly = the unknown individual
we are always changing, evolving, the beautiful human condition, but how to manage that is a different matter entirely.
your strengths and your weakness should never define you, only give you a point of reference for how to improve. my strengths are somewhere in the realm of humor mixed with creativity, my weaknesses definitely lie in the land of reality, routine and the seriousness of affecting the lives of others. a true kelly-moment is rare to find in a field of work that is defined by legal and moral ambiguity. my daily cross to bear, but i do not take it lightly.
everybody needs a lil' inspiration, and clarity, even if those moments are few and far btwn.
i am lucky to serve a God that reveals all in His time, and faith that His plan will come to pass, His will be done, my only duty is to follow... keeping that our focus in times of uncertainty.
"now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."
the adventure of life will never be boring, but our evil twins should never win out... the image of Him who we are here to emulate should be the ultimate goal, no matter what our daily life looks like.
here's to the fight friends, peace be with you as you discern what He has in store for you.
currently, my evil twin isn't so much evil, as it is not really me. and the place that this impostor shows her face most often is my job. i struggle deeply with the equation: work kelly + real kelly = the unknown individual
we are always changing, evolving, the beautiful human condition, but how to manage that is a different matter entirely.
your strengths and your weakness should never define you, only give you a point of reference for how to improve. my strengths are somewhere in the realm of humor mixed with creativity, my weaknesses definitely lie in the land of reality, routine and the seriousness of affecting the lives of others. a true kelly-moment is rare to find in a field of work that is defined by legal and moral ambiguity. my daily cross to bear, but i do not take it lightly.
everybody needs a lil' inspiration, and clarity, even if those moments are few and far btwn.
i am lucky to serve a God that reveals all in His time, and faith that His plan will come to pass, His will be done, my only duty is to follow... keeping that our focus in times of uncertainty.
"now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."
the adventure of life will never be boring, but our evil twins should never win out... the image of Him who we are here to emulate should be the ultimate goal, no matter what our daily life looks like.
here's to the fight friends, peace be with you as you discern what He has in store for you.
Monday, September 12, 2011
sleepless days and tired peaceful nights
so, it may partially be due to my lack of sleep, or possibly an overdose of cougar town (represent!), but i'm feelin this whole fall thing...
normal kelly would be depressed and sulking at the very first sign of the dreaded beginning of cold season (fall in mn is basically a 2 week precursor to winter yo), but this year, it feels different. could it be the extremely short and unusually crazy summer that we had? or possibly the extreme lack of beach time (basically what i live for in the summers anyway)? or even the total lack of relaxation that my summer's typically grant me...
nope.
i think it has a bit to do with being ready.
i don't know why, but this year, in many areas of my life, i'm starting to feel ready. idk, irl is always diff, btw, how many txt speak phases can i get away with in a blog? lol. no. too much. i immediately regretted even typing that.
there is a special kind of peace in feelin ready for life, 'stead of just trailin behind all of the time, frantically attempting to catch up, only to grasp the coat tails of those who are barely even tryin.
God has got a lot in store for me this winter, i can tell. not sure what yet, but i'm psyched (at least as psyched as i can be when sleep deprived) :)
that's official son.
normal kelly would be depressed and sulking at the very first sign of the dreaded beginning of cold season (fall in mn is basically a 2 week precursor to winter yo), but this year, it feels different. could it be the extremely short and unusually crazy summer that we had? or possibly the extreme lack of beach time (basically what i live for in the summers anyway)? or even the total lack of relaxation that my summer's typically grant me...
nope.
i think it has a bit to do with being ready.
i don't know why, but this year, in many areas of my life, i'm starting to feel ready. idk, irl is always diff, btw, how many txt speak phases can i get away with in a blog? lol. no. too much. i immediately regretted even typing that.
there is a special kind of peace in feelin ready for life, 'stead of just trailin behind all of the time, frantically attempting to catch up, only to grasp the coat tails of those who are barely even tryin.
God has got a lot in store for me this winter, i can tell. not sure what yet, but i'm psyched (at least as psyched as i can be when sleep deprived) :)
that's official son.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
somebody else's song
i think as you get older you realize that all of the questions you thought you had the answers to when you were younger, weren't really questions after all, they were just the things that define the way that you live your life.
or maybe some of them were questions, but you realize there isn't ever a "right" answer.
we, humans, have struggled with major issues for all of our time here on earth, and yet, we still strive, on a personal and national level, to solve these things that plague us. hunger, health care, happiness, hope... in a hardened world, there are still many of us whose hearts are soft to the needs of others.
what i don't get... is what exactly are we fighting for? don't get me wrong, i understand why we are fighting, for everyone to have food, a warm bed, most importantly, a chance to know our Creator... but what does that actually look like? if we know that our world is ultimately sinful, and until the time has come for the world to be reborn (or however you interpret revelations), we will not have ultimate peace, or perfection, then how do we make it better?
i keep thinking about eating contests... those superbly awesome food-consuming machines (people) always tell you the same thing - never look at what you've got left to eat, just focus on the bite you've got in your mouth, you'll just get psyched out otherwise. this is awesome because i love food. also, i'm just sayin if they ever come up with a juicy-luicy eating contest i will win. end of story. but i think the jist of it, is basically, focus on what is at hand, don't try and put everything on your plate (pun intended) all at once and expect you can do it all without faltering.
wondering what God has for us in this crazy big world with lots of problems... i could be wrong, it's happened before and it will happen again, but i really feel like it's to touch those that you can on a daily basis. one step at a time, as much as you can, and that's what really makes a difference. all of the grandiose plans in the world will never have an effect if they don't make it off the drawing board. someone has to do something, even if it's just starting with a pencil and some paper.
when you struggle with control like i do, this revelation is scary. i would rather ponder the perfect solution and get started on making things better. i want to problem solve and save the day. but i don't think God works like that... sure, He gives us answers occasionally, but we are not capable of solving all things, only He is, and this world will never be a perfect place. we just need to touch everyone we can, every way we can, with the time that we have been blessed with... anything beyond that is out of our hands - as it should be.
or maybe some of them were questions, but you realize there isn't ever a "right" answer.
we, humans, have struggled with major issues for all of our time here on earth, and yet, we still strive, on a personal and national level, to solve these things that plague us. hunger, health care, happiness, hope... in a hardened world, there are still many of us whose hearts are soft to the needs of others.
what i don't get... is what exactly are we fighting for? don't get me wrong, i understand why we are fighting, for everyone to have food, a warm bed, most importantly, a chance to know our Creator... but what does that actually look like? if we know that our world is ultimately sinful, and until the time has come for the world to be reborn (or however you interpret revelations), we will not have ultimate peace, or perfection, then how do we make it better?
i keep thinking about eating contests... those superbly awesome food-consuming machines (people) always tell you the same thing - never look at what you've got left to eat, just focus on the bite you've got in your mouth, you'll just get psyched out otherwise. this is awesome because i love food. also, i'm just sayin if they ever come up with a juicy-luicy eating contest i will win. end of story. but i think the jist of it, is basically, focus on what is at hand, don't try and put everything on your plate (pun intended) all at once and expect you can do it all without faltering.
wondering what God has for us in this crazy big world with lots of problems... i could be wrong, it's happened before and it will happen again, but i really feel like it's to touch those that you can on a daily basis. one step at a time, as much as you can, and that's what really makes a difference. all of the grandiose plans in the world will never have an effect if they don't make it off the drawing board. someone has to do something, even if it's just starting with a pencil and some paper.
when you struggle with control like i do, this revelation is scary. i would rather ponder the perfect solution and get started on making things better. i want to problem solve and save the day. but i don't think God works like that... sure, He gives us answers occasionally, but we are not capable of solving all things, only He is, and this world will never be a perfect place. we just need to touch everyone we can, every way we can, with the time that we have been blessed with... anything beyond that is out of our hands - as it should be.
Monday, August 22, 2011
worn me down
throughout my life, i've had to face many things about myself that are rather unflattering; obnoxious and monkey-like laugh, limited bladder control, severe addition to fashion and clothes, i could go on... but one of my worst characteristics is a true lack of compassion. this is something that i really always have struggled with. i'm not sure why i don't have much of it naturally, i just don't.
but there is one specific thing that i see in the eyes of others that melts my heart into a puddle of compassion. someone crying? no way. someone looking stressed? nu uh. someone seeming frustrated? nope. but the second i see someone that has worn and tired-looking eyes, i most definitely feel compassion. for some reason seeing someone that looks like they've been through it all and continued to push on through, but is barely keeping it together, it just fills me with grace that is not my own.
recently i looked in the mirror and saw a shade of this in my own reflection, and i didn't like it. just tired. but i wasn't really sure what to do about it.
tonight i sat out under the stars listenin to ryn and the tonster wax intellectual and christian stuff, my brilliant hubby said somethin that hit me hard, somethin that someone very wise from the bozone said to him... when you find yourself in a hole, getting out seems like it's too hard and you just don't know what to do, you should stop. because maybe you're not in a hole, maybe you're in the beginning of a well, and there is a reason you're there, so start digging!
so, i'm still not sure exactly what i'm doing in this hole, or which direction i need to dig for this well, but i looked in the mirror, and i look just a little less worn... peace that passeth understanding.
but there is one specific thing that i see in the eyes of others that melts my heart into a puddle of compassion. someone crying? no way. someone looking stressed? nu uh. someone seeming frustrated? nope. but the second i see someone that has worn and tired-looking eyes, i most definitely feel compassion. for some reason seeing someone that looks like they've been through it all and continued to push on through, but is barely keeping it together, it just fills me with grace that is not my own.
recently i looked in the mirror and saw a shade of this in my own reflection, and i didn't like it. just tired. but i wasn't really sure what to do about it.
tonight i sat out under the stars listenin to ryn and the tonster wax intellectual and christian stuff, my brilliant hubby said somethin that hit me hard, somethin that someone very wise from the bozone said to him... when you find yourself in a hole, getting out seems like it's too hard and you just don't know what to do, you should stop. because maybe you're not in a hole, maybe you're in the beginning of a well, and there is a reason you're there, so start digging!
so, i'm still not sure exactly what i'm doing in this hole, or which direction i need to dig for this well, but i looked in the mirror, and i look just a little less worn... peace that passeth understanding.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
i should never let you go... what a crystal baller?
lemme tell you a little secret.
summer is my life.
there is nothing that i look forward to more, and there is def not another time that i am more relaxed. chilled even? hmm, too far. when i think 'bout the times i miss the most, it usually involves some sort of summer activity. missed moment of the day? extreme night games! gonna bring that one back fo' sho'! and now we actually have the big yard and woods for it :) who's in?
nickles and dimes, yours and mine. can we try and take the high road?
but rly, the truth is, i get amazing things done during the summer - why can't i be this productive during the rest of the year (you'll see, pics up on fb soon). i am uber artistic in the winter, so i guess that counts for somethin, but c'mon, what the heck?
personal epiphany: when sups 'cited or sups frustrated (extreme ends of the spectrum of emotions) i act like a 5 year old. anywhere in btwn, i can usually muster some sort of adulthoodness. what does that say 'bout me?
kk, lots of rambles tonight (is that a kind of plant?), rly not much to say other than my wish list for our house and vehicles keeps gettin longer :) s'ok though, painting projects underway tmrw and then who knows... when am i gonna start my new design business? guessing it will be when i finally settle down and pop out some kids (i.e. hopefully not soon...). don't know how to take nate sayin that he wants to hide my b.c. - i guess that's a compliment, right? someday, sure. when i have everything done that i want to. as if that will ever happen!
hole in my foot is no fun, but the good news is that i am such a major baller that i sprang for a tetanus shot 'fore i switched jobs, so i should be set. tetanus = 0, kelly = major win (minus the blood loss) :)
word of wisdom for the day: if the nice man at abc rentals laughs and thinks you're kidding when you tell him that you're gonna be the one tilling the back yard with a super big machine (and not your buff hottie hubby), laugh along with him... he'll realize that you were serious when you come back with awesome battle scars and a superb looking back yard (and he did). what IS up!
summer is my life.
there is nothing that i look forward to more, and there is def not another time that i am more relaxed. chilled even? hmm, too far. when i think 'bout the times i miss the most, it usually involves some sort of summer activity. missed moment of the day? extreme night games! gonna bring that one back fo' sho'! and now we actually have the big yard and woods for it :) who's in?
nickles and dimes, yours and mine. can we try and take the high road?
but rly, the truth is, i get amazing things done during the summer - why can't i be this productive during the rest of the year (you'll see, pics up on fb soon). i am uber artistic in the winter, so i guess that counts for somethin, but c'mon, what the heck?
personal epiphany: when sups 'cited or sups frustrated (extreme ends of the spectrum of emotions) i act like a 5 year old. anywhere in btwn, i can usually muster some sort of adulthoodness. what does that say 'bout me?
kk, lots of rambles tonight (is that a kind of plant?), rly not much to say other than my wish list for our house and vehicles keeps gettin longer :) s'ok though, painting projects underway tmrw and then who knows... when am i gonna start my new design business? guessing it will be when i finally settle down and pop out some kids (i.e. hopefully not soon...). don't know how to take nate sayin that he wants to hide my b.c. - i guess that's a compliment, right? someday, sure. when i have everything done that i want to. as if that will ever happen!
hole in my foot is no fun, but the good news is that i am such a major baller that i sprang for a tetanus shot 'fore i switched jobs, so i should be set. tetanus = 0, kelly = major win (minus the blood loss) :)
word of wisdom for the day: if the nice man at abc rentals laughs and thinks you're kidding when you tell him that you're gonna be the one tilling the back yard with a super big machine (and not your buff hottie hubby), laugh along with him... he'll realize that you were serious when you come back with awesome battle scars and a superb looking back yard (and he did). what IS up!
Friday, August 5, 2011
goodbyes of life
i love words (thank you seseme street and mr. rogers). there are funny words, silly words, long words, short words, abbreviations, slang... the list goes on and on. words have this incredible way of reaching inside us and yanking out an emotion, sometimes for a purpose, other times, just because they can.
there are, however, a few words that i truly do carry a great deal of disdain for. ready?
i'm not sure what my problem is, but i'm not super great at being emotional when the goodbye actually happens. repressed emotion? cold hearted? not caring? relieved? hmmm, not sure. all i know is that i just don't cry much, at least not when it is socially acceptable to do so. always seems like it's on a day like today, when i think about all of the goodbyes in my life and how terribly tragic it is that we waste time, so much time that could have been better used with those people. how easy it is to regret things that we never said or did, but not forgetting how many things i've done or said that i regret much much more. it's a game, isn't it? you will always have regrets, no matter what you do. everyone does. regrets for what you did, regrets for what you didn't do. and if you say you don't, why, i think you're lying, if you really sit down to think about it. admitting that you have regrets just means that even if you would do it all over again, if faced with the choice one more time and made the very same decision as you did before, you still might be a little sad about it. like i said, it's just a game, you don't really win at making decisions in life. the grass might always be greener, or it might just be green. i guess that's up to us, right?
goodbyes should be hard. if they're not, well, i think that means you must live a very lonely life.
so, i do love words. but i could certainly do without havin to say a few of them, at least for a very very long time.
there are, however, a few words that i truly do carry a great deal of disdain for. ready?
- reach out - yeah yeah, i know that this is technically two words, but i have heard this combo being incredibly over used recently. "i'll reach out to you", "make sure you reach out to soandso", etc. whatevs, i'm over it. i mean really, isn't the whole point of that term to make people feel included and important? well, when it's over-used it certainly loses those two aspects.
- community - over it. i like the idea of what the word was supposed to mean, but it has been abused deeply.
- stress - felt it, been it, lived it, blamed stuff on it... yes, stress, we know we know, everyone is stressed. so? stop talking about it and start doing something to change it!
- guacamole - the problem with this word is that i have very strong feelings about it, both good and bad, a conundrum really, it is 1) the best tasting food item ever, but 2) it is an ugly word and disgusting color. i'm torn...
- goodbye - it sucks. 'nough said.
i'm not sure what my problem is, but i'm not super great at being emotional when the goodbye actually happens. repressed emotion? cold hearted? not caring? relieved? hmmm, not sure. all i know is that i just don't cry much, at least not when it is socially acceptable to do so. always seems like it's on a day like today, when i think about all of the goodbyes in my life and how terribly tragic it is that we waste time, so much time that could have been better used with those people. how easy it is to regret things that we never said or did, but not forgetting how many things i've done or said that i regret much much more. it's a game, isn't it? you will always have regrets, no matter what you do. everyone does. regrets for what you did, regrets for what you didn't do. and if you say you don't, why, i think you're lying, if you really sit down to think about it. admitting that you have regrets just means that even if you would do it all over again, if faced with the choice one more time and made the very same decision as you did before, you still might be a little sad about it. like i said, it's just a game, you don't really win at making decisions in life. the grass might always be greener, or it might just be green. i guess that's up to us, right?
goodbyes should be hard. if they're not, well, i think that means you must live a very lonely life.
so, i do love words. but i could certainly do without havin to say a few of them, at least for a very very long time.
Friday, July 29, 2011
fake it 'til you almost break it
adventures in new jobs are almost built in comedic relief.
life lesson? never take yourself too seriously...
so there i was, three days in at a new job, and along comes a little snag. since i am a human resources professional, composure is a necessity. salt needs pepper (the 90's singing sensation, not spices, obv), sunshine needs rain, and HR peps need their brains to work on overtime at all costs in order to keep them out of trouble. since i am clearly not naturally inclined to the whole "composure" thing, or really being reserved at all, i've taught myself a few tricks to keep my chatterbox mouth in line.
1. Gum - always keeps me about 2 seconds behind a convo, and who would think twice about someone chewing gum?
2. Throat clearing - cuz every one has a little phlegm in their life, right? gross - yes. necessary - no. helpful - yes. do i really need to clear it (do i hear a little "Let me clear my throat"? thank you DJ Kool), nope, but the incidents it has helped avoid speak for themselves.
3. Dramatic pause while looking off into the distance as if you're thinking very hard - this one is tricky, cuz really, i am thinking REALLY hard, it just has nothing to do with what i was just asked, i am wracking my brain for an answer that will be HR appropriate and legally correct, without sounding like i am spittin policies in their general direction.
so these are my basic easy-outs (these also work really well in uber-complicated relationships that you don't really see going anywhere... not recommended for long-term healthy relationships, better to just be honest then :)). i can't tell you my knock-it-outta-the-park strategies cuz those are top secret.
k, back to my 4th day at the new job. i am chomping at the proverbial bit to make a good impression. i have been working hard, chattin up the locals and doin my best to really get to know everyone. today, i step into the plant, which restricts any gum, candy or liquid in it... only to quickly realize my major mistake. this is not a little issue, the company can get fined hundred thousands of dollars if bits of food (on, in or due to people), and stop short! so short, in fact, that i started to choke on my gum, drawing quite a bit of attention to myself... i coughed, clearing my throat and looked down embarrassed that i had caused a scene, only to realize that i was wearing sandals in the plant area which is also completely sandal-restricted. what the?!?
as i quickly did an about-face to leave the plant area as soon as i could, i walked straight into the door, trying to catch my balance i practically planted myself on the safety manager, ironically :) brilliant move hr newb... and that, my friends, was my 4th day at my new work.
what a way to make an impression :)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
bambi, bambi's baby and babying
have had a lot of craziness in the past couple days - watched a deer get pummeled right in front of me, and then saw it's poor defenseless baby wandering around this next morning, unable to take care of itself and truly unaware of how dangerous humans and cars are. couldn't help but wonder, how much people are like that. not aware of the evils that lie directly in front of us...
on an entirely different note, a recently married friend commented to me just the other day "marriage ages you, it makes you feel waaaaaay older." i had to disagree with him, genuinely. one of the reasons was that my darling husband is just, well, extremely talented at bringing out my immaturity :) he is someone that makes me feel younger, makes me want to be irresponsible and reckless, in the most wonderful ways. the other reason though, is that i don't think that it's marriage that ages you, it's this idea of "settling down." i mean really, whoever came up with this concept of creating the perfect little life, some sort of crazy-unrealistic version of a sedentary and mostly-passionless life, based primarily on stability (and not the good kind)... well that sounds pretty gosh darn old to me. anyway, just a thought really.
i have been super blessed recently by the opportunity to be a part of a group of awesome girls doing a beth moore study. debachels (and God) should receive all of the credit for a much happier and peaceful version of me in the past couple of weeks. based on how crazy (externally) my life has been, this study and amazing group of girls could not have come at a more crucial and necessary time. funny how i almost said no to doing the study because i was "too busy" and didn't think that i had the time to commit. they have completely babied me in a blissful way. during our prayer time last night i felt so very blessed, encouraged, supported and loved. it's been quite a while since i have felt that, especially with a group of girls, and even more so, especially with a group of strong christians. this is one of the few times i can utter the term community and not cringe from it's unfortunate implications. these women, i should say we, we have created a refreshing community, one that has been healing my soul (and God of course :)).
random thoughts from kelly? complete!
on an entirely different note, a recently married friend commented to me just the other day "marriage ages you, it makes you feel waaaaaay older." i had to disagree with him, genuinely. one of the reasons was that my darling husband is just, well, extremely talented at bringing out my immaturity :) he is someone that makes me feel younger, makes me want to be irresponsible and reckless, in the most wonderful ways. the other reason though, is that i don't think that it's marriage that ages you, it's this idea of "settling down." i mean really, whoever came up with this concept of creating the perfect little life, some sort of crazy-unrealistic version of a sedentary and mostly-passionless life, based primarily on stability (and not the good kind)... well that sounds pretty gosh darn old to me. anyway, just a thought really.
i have been super blessed recently by the opportunity to be a part of a group of awesome girls doing a beth moore study. debachels (and God) should receive all of the credit for a much happier and peaceful version of me in the past couple of weeks. based on how crazy (externally) my life has been, this study and amazing group of girls could not have come at a more crucial and necessary time. funny how i almost said no to doing the study because i was "too busy" and didn't think that i had the time to commit. they have completely babied me in a blissful way. during our prayer time last night i felt so very blessed, encouraged, supported and loved. it's been quite a while since i have felt that, especially with a group of girls, and even more so, especially with a group of strong christians. this is one of the few times i can utter the term community and not cringe from it's unfortunate implications. these women, i should say we, we have created a refreshing community, one that has been healing my soul (and God of course :)).
random thoughts from kelly? complete!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
extraordinary, extra ordinary, extra, ordinary...
like my uncle-father always said "check yourself BEFORE you wreck yourself" :)
i've been suffering from major burnout, both from too much work and too much social stuff. some times a girl just needs a bit fat break (gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that _________!)
here are 10 very important things that i've learned you can do if you're not wasting time on facebook:
i've been suffering from major burnout, both from too much work and too much social stuff. some times a girl just needs a bit fat break (gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that _________!)
here are 10 very important things that i've learned you can do if you're not wasting time on facebook:
- read this blog!
- clip your toe nails (buddy, i've seen those suckers, and they need a major tune up)
- sit on a splendid deck, with dear friends, overlooking a lovely semi-forest, relax and celebrate life
- teach your dog the difference between a wine bottle and a champagne bottle - thank you Pavlov, your astounding scientific discoveries have given us hours and hours of fun, and a lot of unnecessary slobber
- dance at a U2 concert 'til you can't move your hips any longer, and hide out when you see the VP of your company coming your direction :)
- enjoy the memories of a spectacular friendship and look forward to memory-making-futures
- remember how great life was was when hooch was crazy
- get a tan, and not even the fake kind
- realizing texting can be fun again
and, drum roll please!
10. no one can tag you in super ugly pics if you have no fb account - so click away peps!
but truly, i think we have lost the art of quiet. peace. simplicity. and really, the sheer job of appropriately trimmed toe nails.... :)
take a sec yo, maybe even two, you might be missing more than you think you are.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
cinnabon love with a touch of impatience
what the heck is up with relationships?
i had the absolute pleasure of walkin the halls of MOA today for 5 full hours and it was glorious! there is something so incredibly thereputic about it all, beautifully cathartic even. i've always loved the perfectly superficial atmosphere of a place dedicated solely to satisfy the human hunger for stuff. don't get me wrong, i'm fully aware of the "evils" it brings, but often times, it is one of the best places for me to clear my head and gain a little perspective.
today's adventures included some dude tryin to peek over the dressing room doors at chicas changing (which i quickly and quietly informed the store manager about), my annual birthday dress purchase, and after a superb pita pit experience, a distinct longing for bozeman and the freedom of youth.
but, back to relationships. i had the chance to observe plenty of couples today, and it left me thinkin, what the heck is up with relationships??
i overheard several dressing room convos (which, in case you were wondering, are usually just as good, and most of the time, better than girls bathroom convos... i believe that this is partially due to the quality of sound and lack of flushing, as well as the sweet beats some stores put down - groovy baby :)), many which centered around marriage. i came out wondering why people think that getting married cements your relationship with your spouse until the end of time. marriage cements your commitment (eternal) to that person, but not your relationship! in fact, i would even go so far as to say that marriage (commitment) should be quite unaffected by your actual day to day relationship. if marriage means to be completely and utterly committed to someone (and biblically, it does), that should not be affected by you sucking at taking care of the relationship that you have with your husband or wife.
folks will be bitterly disappointed if they buy into this idea that once you get married you've hit this point of perfection, that your relationship is now solid and cannot be shaken. reality check, a ring does not fix two very flawed individuals, in fact, it will magnify those flaws exponentially. but putting time into and working with one another on a daily basis to knit a beautiful continuation of your dating relationship, covered in kisses and lots of love, is the true legacy a marriage can leave.
when i walked out of my glorious shopping haven today, it occurred to me that if that's really what people believe, all you need to do is get married and you will feel this ultimate sense of security, that someone will be there always, that you no longer need to try (or at least not as hard), then it totally makes sense how high the american divorce rate is. of course, if you believe marriage completes your relationship, then you would no longer be striving, you would no longer be treating your spouse as you did when you were dating, you would no longer try your hardest to be attractive to your husband or wife, you might even let yourself go, your "relationship" is taken care of now, cuz you're hitched.
i got news for ya kids, you'd better get your head in the game! yes, it's true, marriage should leave you with a sense of security, knowing that someone loves you and will stay with you no matter what, but that does not define your relationship, just like it would not define your friendships. so what? if you meet someone in 5th grade, decide to be best friends, and then you just always will be that for the rest of time? nope, cuz if you don't take care of that friendship, pretty soon you will not only no longer be best friends, but you might not even be on speaking terms. marriage is based on commitment, so that means you are supposed to be in to the end with your spouse, for better or for worse, so you better get on trying to make it "better" and not end up with "worse". you determine how great your relationship is, and ultimately, if things are not going well, you will have to pay the price. so why not try harder? i'm tired of hearing people complain about their marriages, "it's hard", "he doesn't act like he used to when we were dating", "she doesn't want to do any of the things i like to do"... that's too bad, kinda sucks, but guess what? you're married, you're in it for the long haul now, so get over it and start trying to make things better instead of sulking and feeling sorry for yourself.
all relationships require work, especially those which you cannot walk away from. do i sound a little like an old married woman who is losing patience? maybe... but i think that some people need a bit of a kick in the pants. if you want an easy breezy life, then don't get married (1 Cor 7: 8-9; 32-34). marriage will stretch you, strain you and even make you shed more than a few tears. but if you're up for the adventure and willing to really commit, not just in theory, and really, really work on your relationship - well, then you will be just about the happiest person on the planet, because there is nothing more beautiful or wonderful than the deep and satisfying love built on the foundation of marriage.
and personally, i just couldn't live without my husband, he is my heart...
Saturday, June 25, 2011
when darkness turns to light
re-evaluating is a necessary life skill.
every couple of months and/or years somethin hits me, a mini wake up call (not a super loud alarm clock goin off unexpectedly with an unnecessarily wicked justin timberlake song blaring... more like the panting of a very large and hairy black dog sitting in front of your bed silently, willing you to wake up and play with her). i always wonder, why did it take me so long to see this? why was i caught so unaware?
my most recent revelation and re-evaluation was that i have no real interest in a major part of my life currently: my career.
now you have to understand, i have worked my butt off since i was 14, did everything from office work, to comforting crying patients, to cleaning filthy toilets, and even a little babysitting thrown in (whew, best birth control eva!), i've done everything. one, two even three jobs at a time. why did i work so hard? because i wanted a career. but what did i really want? security. i wanted a life above fear, some solid ground in an unpredictable life.
my high school years were filled with insecurity (uh, hello, nothin new there i guess), a tumultuous time, where i grasped for something, anything, to hang on to. i had so much to look forward to, but unfortunately i had to learn some hard lessons. in a time where all i wanted was to have a little bit of stability, i was surrounded by change and by people coming and going through my life, some who i wanted to leave (and quickly), and some who i wanted desperately to stay. but that's high school right? teaches you real quick who to love, who to leave and who will stick by you to the end.
college started an unprecedented chapter, new beginnings and old friends. more jobs, more work, and more decisions to make. what life road do i take? so many directions to choose from, where do i go, what do i do? never a more difficult time, deciding your future. and then you do. and then it's off to the races, the decision is made, now it's time to get started. i always smile to myself when recent high school grads refer to college as a time to "discover yourself", because while it is true in some ways, you really should know who you are by the time you're like 5, not 20. and add to that the fact that college is the time that you should be stepping it up, not kicking back, well, the most unflattering version of "you" often shows up. and it's not a pretty sight.
i hate the stereotype that women feel like they need a man to be secure. i mean, i don't actually hate it, i understand that everyone wants to feel loved, and that love often makes us feel secure, but i hate the idea that this is what has defined chicks in so many instances. in my case, my security has most often been defined by a career. it has been instilled in me, since the first time i can remember it was not a choice, i was going to go to high school, graduate, go to college, graduate, get an amazing job and do incredible things. make enough money so that i had some security, not too much $$, but just enough so that i wouldn't have to worry. which is really a funny thought when you stop to think about it. who are we to decide when we will have to worry? as if making sure you're "financially secure" will somehow create a barrier of safety, a money moat if you will, from the outside world and the treacherous things that can happen to any of us at any time. it's a lie, really. as if anything worldly can keep you safe. no amount of money, no perfect job, nothing can keep you "safe" other than a God who has already protected us from more than we can possibly understand.
so back to a career. i finished college, and started working, like most of the adult american culture. but recently i realized i have worked my butt off for the past 5 years, trying to "make it" (as if you can really "arrive" in human resources. i mean c'mon, really, human resources? :)). this is a field that requires tact, a constant responsibility for confidentiality and dealing with incredibly unhappy people. sure, there are many amazin things in the HR field, and many parts of my job that i not only love, but also that i totally rock at. but let's be honest, this is probably not the best fit for a loud, rambunctious, and adventurous 20-something.
so what's the deal? oh, well, nothing much i guess. just a realization that for the past 13+ years i have been working toward a goal that i am slowly realizing i don't really believe in. i love my life, i love my husband, i love my dog, my family, my friends, my God, my house, ect etc (NOT my car), i love a lot of things, but i do not love my career. i am darn good at my job, no joke, not to sound cocky, but i am. but i am not satisfied with it, and i doubt i ever will be.
time to get a new job? no way. i will work, and i will work hard. i will continue to excel. but someday i will find something that i am just as good at, and actually enjoy :)
someday baby, someday. time to re-evaluate? yup. but isn't that what life is all about anyway?
every couple of months and/or years somethin hits me, a mini wake up call (not a super loud alarm clock goin off unexpectedly with an unnecessarily wicked justin timberlake song blaring... more like the panting of a very large and hairy black dog sitting in front of your bed silently, willing you to wake up and play with her). i always wonder, why did it take me so long to see this? why was i caught so unaware?
my most recent revelation and re-evaluation was that i have no real interest in a major part of my life currently: my career.
now you have to understand, i have worked my butt off since i was 14, did everything from office work, to comforting crying patients, to cleaning filthy toilets, and even a little babysitting thrown in (whew, best birth control eva!), i've done everything. one, two even three jobs at a time. why did i work so hard? because i wanted a career. but what did i really want? security. i wanted a life above fear, some solid ground in an unpredictable life.
my high school years were filled with insecurity (uh, hello, nothin new there i guess), a tumultuous time, where i grasped for something, anything, to hang on to. i had so much to look forward to, but unfortunately i had to learn some hard lessons. in a time where all i wanted was to have a little bit of stability, i was surrounded by change and by people coming and going through my life, some who i wanted to leave (and quickly), and some who i wanted desperately to stay. but that's high school right? teaches you real quick who to love, who to leave and who will stick by you to the end.
college started an unprecedented chapter, new beginnings and old friends. more jobs, more work, and more decisions to make. what life road do i take? so many directions to choose from, where do i go, what do i do? never a more difficult time, deciding your future. and then you do. and then it's off to the races, the decision is made, now it's time to get started. i always smile to myself when recent high school grads refer to college as a time to "discover yourself", because while it is true in some ways, you really should know who you are by the time you're like 5, not 20. and add to that the fact that college is the time that you should be stepping it up, not kicking back, well, the most unflattering version of "you" often shows up. and it's not a pretty sight.
i hate the stereotype that women feel like they need a man to be secure. i mean, i don't actually hate it, i understand that everyone wants to feel loved, and that love often makes us feel secure, but i hate the idea that this is what has defined chicks in so many instances. in my case, my security has most often been defined by a career. it has been instilled in me, since the first time i can remember it was not a choice, i was going to go to high school, graduate, go to college, graduate, get an amazing job and do incredible things. make enough money so that i had some security, not too much $$, but just enough so that i wouldn't have to worry. which is really a funny thought when you stop to think about it. who are we to decide when we will have to worry? as if making sure you're "financially secure" will somehow create a barrier of safety, a money moat if you will, from the outside world and the treacherous things that can happen to any of us at any time. it's a lie, really. as if anything worldly can keep you safe. no amount of money, no perfect job, nothing can keep you "safe" other than a God who has already protected us from more than we can possibly understand.
so back to a career. i finished college, and started working, like most of the adult american culture. but recently i realized i have worked my butt off for the past 5 years, trying to "make it" (as if you can really "arrive" in human resources. i mean c'mon, really, human resources? :)). this is a field that requires tact, a constant responsibility for confidentiality and dealing with incredibly unhappy people. sure, there are many amazin things in the HR field, and many parts of my job that i not only love, but also that i totally rock at. but let's be honest, this is probably not the best fit for a loud, rambunctious, and adventurous 20-something.
so what's the deal? oh, well, nothing much i guess. just a realization that for the past 13+ years i have been working toward a goal that i am slowly realizing i don't really believe in. i love my life, i love my husband, i love my dog, my family, my friends, my God, my house, ect etc (NOT my car), i love a lot of things, but i do not love my career. i am darn good at my job, no joke, not to sound cocky, but i am. but i am not satisfied with it, and i doubt i ever will be.
time to get a new job? no way. i will work, and i will work hard. i will continue to excel. but someday i will find something that i am just as good at, and actually enjoy :)
someday baby, someday. time to re-evaluate? yup. but isn't that what life is all about anyway?
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
a story of stupid
once upon a time there was a very dumb turkey who decided to run in front of my car.
the end. for him...
ok, not really. well, yes, he (i'm assuming it was a he, cuz really, women are typically afraid of motorized things for the most part ;)) was a big dummy and ran in front of my car. but he did not die. though in my theoretical defense, he would have totally deserved it.
theoretical defense #1: turkeys are mean. i mean real mean. you meet one of those suckers in jail and they will cut you. hard.
theoretical defense #2: turkeys are ugly, and unless something is cute i don't really feel too bad about running it over (take note of this mr. mean red squirrel! no one likes you and you're not nice to our other backyard nature friends!).
theoretical defense #3: turkeys taste delicious and having run one over i would certainly not let it go to waste...
but alas, mr. stupid turkey man survived, cuz i swerved, cuz even though he is dumb, mean and ugly, and he would taste sooooo good on my plate, i still have this thing about purposefully killing things.
'cept fish.
cuz they don't have souls ya know.
the end. for him...
ok, not really. well, yes, he (i'm assuming it was a he, cuz really, women are typically afraid of motorized things for the most part ;)) was a big dummy and ran in front of my car. but he did not die. though in my theoretical defense, he would have totally deserved it.
theoretical defense #1: turkeys are mean. i mean real mean. you meet one of those suckers in jail and they will cut you. hard.
theoretical defense #2: turkeys are ugly, and unless something is cute i don't really feel too bad about running it over (take note of this mr. mean red squirrel! no one likes you and you're not nice to our other backyard nature friends!).
theoretical defense #3: turkeys taste delicious and having run one over i would certainly not let it go to waste...
but alas, mr. stupid turkey man survived, cuz i swerved, cuz even though he is dumb, mean and ugly, and he would taste sooooo good on my plate, i still have this thing about purposefully killing things.
'cept fish.
cuz they don't have souls ya know.
drama, forgiveness and a waste of time
forgive 70 x 7?
is forgiveness a waste of time if those you forgive don't even realize that they received (or needed!) it?
i'm sorta at a loss for this one. an on-going conversation for me, and i've heard a lot of perspectives on this, so try to bear with me. i'm not saying that you shouldn't forgive. what i am saying is, especially in our uber-minnesotany-passive-aggressive-way, if we never even communicate that we are hurt/angry/frustrated in the first place, how can forgiveness really be given? sure, you might let go of the grudge, maybe even feel some personal relief, but without any confession of guilt or anger to the one you felt offended by, well, there's no true reconciliation, right?
i don't know, seems like a slippery slope to me...
don't get me wrong, there are some offenses that just need to be let go, no apologies, no grudges, just letting go and be done with it. someone cuts you off in traffic - you don't need to hunt them down, swerving through traffic, get right next to them in bumper to bumper and roll down your window to... share... your, um, "feelings". that will never lead to actual reconciliation. unless of course that other driver is REAL humble :) even day to day stuff, in friendships, relationships with acquaintances and significant others, you cannot expect to have every misdeed apologized for, and often, we are the ones in the wrong for being overly sensitive or over-reacting.
however, when there is a legit hurt, a wound, inflicted by a person of importance in your life, is there any other way to reach reconciliation without sharing your feelings? i'm not talkin "you hurt me, and blah blah blah....." forever and ever, going on for 3 pages or 3 hours about your feelings and what that person did. it's not going to help anyone, in fact, most of the time it hurts! by the time you get done going on and on about the situation, the other person has either become so offended by your excessive explanation that they are enraged or they have tuned your overly-dramatic self out completely, responding with "yes's" and "uh huh's". and really, if your desire is for reconciliation and not for just an apology, you should be more concerned with how they feel too, right?
hmmmmm, this is getting more complicated...
can't i just apologize and be done?! what the heck, why does this whole forgiveness thing have to be so complicated anyway? oooooh, Jesus thinks he's so tricky with the whole 70 x 7 thing eh? well, i am no fool, 70 x 7 = 140, and you better believe that for some people in my life i am absolutely tracking their forgiveness tallys... and a few of 'em are gettin pretty darn close to the 140 mark lemme tell you ;)
ok, not sure how i really ended on this thing... maybe i will think abt it more and get back to you :)
is forgiveness a waste of time if those you forgive don't even realize that they received (or needed!) it?
i'm sorta at a loss for this one. an on-going conversation for me, and i've heard a lot of perspectives on this, so try to bear with me. i'm not saying that you shouldn't forgive. what i am saying is, especially in our uber-minnesotany-passive-aggressive-way, if we never even communicate that we are hurt/angry/frustrated in the first place, how can forgiveness really be given? sure, you might let go of the grudge, maybe even feel some personal relief, but without any confession of guilt or anger to the one you felt offended by, well, there's no true reconciliation, right?
i don't know, seems like a slippery slope to me...
don't get me wrong, there are some offenses that just need to be let go, no apologies, no grudges, just letting go and be done with it. someone cuts you off in traffic - you don't need to hunt them down, swerving through traffic, get right next to them in bumper to bumper and roll down your window to... share... your, um, "feelings". that will never lead to actual reconciliation. unless of course that other driver is REAL humble :) even day to day stuff, in friendships, relationships with acquaintances and significant others, you cannot expect to have every misdeed apologized for, and often, we are the ones in the wrong for being overly sensitive or over-reacting.
however, when there is a legit hurt, a wound, inflicted by a person of importance in your life, is there any other way to reach reconciliation without sharing your feelings? i'm not talkin "you hurt me, and blah blah blah....." forever and ever, going on for 3 pages or 3 hours about your feelings and what that person did. it's not going to help anyone, in fact, most of the time it hurts! by the time you get done going on and on about the situation, the other person has either become so offended by your excessive explanation that they are enraged or they have tuned your overly-dramatic self out completely, responding with "yes's" and "uh huh's". and really, if your desire is for reconciliation and not for just an apology, you should be more concerned with how they feel too, right?
hmmmmm, this is getting more complicated...
can't i just apologize and be done?! what the heck, why does this whole forgiveness thing have to be so complicated anyway? oooooh, Jesus thinks he's so tricky with the whole 70 x 7 thing eh? well, i am no fool, 70 x 7 = 140, and you better believe that for some people in my life i am absolutely tracking their forgiveness tallys... and a few of 'em are gettin pretty darn close to the 140 mark lemme tell you ;)
ok, not sure how i really ended on this thing... maybe i will think abt it more and get back to you :)
Thursday, May 19, 2011
check soulmate
a little insight into marriage: it's not easy.
oh yes, i could sit here and lie, tell you that everything is always perfect, a veritable stream of beauty and love, unrestrained by a painful moment or a few hurt feelings.
another little insight into marriage: it's amazing.
i started to ponder the seasons verses in ecclesiates chapter 3, and applied to the concept of marriage, how there are so many seasons in life, and how those seasons affect us, and because they affect us, they also have a profound effect on marriage.
i was going to ramble more about this, but found this devo online and it brought a few tears to my eyes. give it a read - it's a keeper...
http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/crosswalk-devo/live-like-you-were-dating-crosswalk-the-devotional-may-19-2011.html
"If I could find a way to regularly appear as outwardly joyful as I inwardly feel whenever I reflect on how blessed I am to have such a mate, I'd go a long way towards helping fulfill the purpose for this marriage..."
i have an amazing soul mate, and yes, things get messy sometimes, but i am truly blessed by his heart daily.
oh yes, i could sit here and lie, tell you that everything is always perfect, a veritable stream of beauty and love, unrestrained by a painful moment or a few hurt feelings.
another little insight into marriage: it's amazing.
i started to ponder the seasons verses in ecclesiates chapter 3, and applied to the concept of marriage, how there are so many seasons in life, and how those seasons affect us, and because they affect us, they also have a profound effect on marriage.
i was going to ramble more about this, but found this devo online and it brought a few tears to my eyes. give it a read - it's a keeper...
http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/crosswalk-devo/live-like-you-were-dating-crosswalk-the-devotional-may-19-2011.html
"If I could find a way to regularly appear as outwardly joyful as I inwardly feel whenever I reflect on how blessed I am to have such a mate, I'd go a long way towards helping fulfill the purpose for this marriage..."
i have an amazing soul mate, and yes, things get messy sometimes, but i am truly blessed by his heart daily.
Friday, May 13, 2011
feathers loosened and an injury count
i am approximately 1.5 weeks into my 2.5 weeks off of vacation in between jobs. i've learned a few very important lessons.
1. apparently the confines of an office have kept me safe from many illnesses and accidents... since i've been home i've been sick twice and have countless bruises and cuts from all of my projects and clutziness. who knew having a job actually prevented problems...?
2. Bridger is a great companion cuz she only wants to cuddle and has no interest in making me clean or get dressed :)
3. i need a schedule... some people thrive on being schedule-less, and honestly, i find not having a schedule very relaxing in a sense. it's not what you're thinking - i am not a big slob who sits around all day (plus i always follow the rules of "being a perfect house wife" and put something nice on, clean up the house and freshen up 'fore rynryn comes home), i am actually too productive. well, ok, maybe not too productive, it's just that without a schedule, i can't stop, i see projects everywhere and feel absolutely compelled to complete them immediately. who am i?? not sure if it's cuz i've just never had this much time off or if this is what adult-kelly is like, but boy, i am tiiiiiiiiired! granted i've been sick and it's been crappy weather out, but i've only done 2 fun vacationy things, which has got to stop! or start? an example of what i've completed: fixed broken wood on deck, planted mini garden and flowers, cleaned entire house, 15 load of laundry (no i am not exaggerating), decorated our upstairs, oil changed, grocery and house shoppin, yard work, removing wall paper border in guest bedroom, sorted through all clothing and shoes to give away, cleaned laundry room, etc etc. i could go on, but i'm even boring myself...
4. do not, under any circumstances, try to watch all 4 scream movies in one day. it is a feat mere humans cannot possibly complete. 'cept nate and i. that's right yo.
5. it becomes more and more clear to me as i get older that i am truly an outgoing introvert. i absolutely love people, but i need to be alone to recharge. that has been one of the absolute best parts of this time off. i feel very rejuvenated and alive, ready to start a new job... i know some people don't need time alone, at least not for that reason, but it calms my heart and soul...
6. sleeping in is over-rated
7. vacation is a lot less fun alone
8. my feather extensions have loosened and i'll be honest, i'm slightly tempted to steal a few from the bird's nest next to our bedroom window...
9. eating whatever you want on vacation mainly leads to boredom (and weight gain... not sayin, just sayin)
10. we live in a society that is over-worked , always busy and cannot seem to take a second to care for themselves, their belongings or loved ones. if we had a couple of weeks off (required) a year, well, i just cannot imagine what the population would be like. why can't we be more like europe where they take month-long "holidays"?
in conclusion - i haven't really used my brain much in the past 1.5 weeks, so you can pretty much breeze through most of what i said and forget it :)
Monday, May 9, 2011
that's what she said
i have amazing friends...
i know pretty much everyone says that, but i count myself truly blessed to have a long history of beautiful relationships (as Rita would say, creating some sort of life tapestry), that have both enriched my life and made me laugh harder than i ever thought possible.
i have friends that i see only every couple of years, and while distance always takes it's toll, there is a level of connectedness that keeps us united. i have friends that i see every couple of days, that brighten my day with an unending smile. i have friends that i haven't spoken to years, a friendship faded, and it is wonderful to me to be able to recognize that even though time has passed and i no longer know those friends as i once did, that i can enjoy the memories with fondness. i have come to realize, over my 27 years, that there is a season for everything... (Ecclesiates 3:1-14) and some friendships are only for a season.
which is why i say again, i have amazing friends. i have "penny can", i have "stick stick stick stick", i have "the queen of fashion", i have "keldrid louise", i have "that's what he/she said", i have "puppy talk", i have "the beast", i have "stink hog", i have "get in the kennel", i have "you can't win 'em all"... i have poker nights, i have making our own slip n' slides out of plastic wrap, i have hot dogging/muffining, i have dirt ball fights... i have a lifetime of wonderful moments, it's all safely secured in my heart, a heart full of memories and happiness.
i have amazing friends. i have amazing memories. it has been one of my life's biggest revelations - not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. treasure those that do, but don't hold on to hard feelings for those that don't. instead, let your heart be open to remembering those wonderful times, treasure those.
thank you to all of the amazing people that i have been blessed to be friends with, both past and present, you have helped shape me, and i won't forget the beautiful moments that we've shared (that's what he said...)
PENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNYCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
i know pretty much everyone says that, but i count myself truly blessed to have a long history of beautiful relationships (as Rita would say, creating some sort of life tapestry), that have both enriched my life and made me laugh harder than i ever thought possible.
i have friends that i see only every couple of years, and while distance always takes it's toll, there is a level of connectedness that keeps us united. i have friends that i see every couple of days, that brighten my day with an unending smile. i have friends that i haven't spoken to years, a friendship faded, and it is wonderful to me to be able to recognize that even though time has passed and i no longer know those friends as i once did, that i can enjoy the memories with fondness. i have come to realize, over my 27 years, that there is a season for everything... (Ecclesiates 3:1-14) and some friendships are only for a season.
which is why i say again, i have amazing friends. i have "penny can", i have "stick stick stick stick", i have "the queen of fashion", i have "keldrid louise", i have "that's what he/she said", i have "puppy talk", i have "the beast", i have "stink hog", i have "get in the kennel", i have "you can't win 'em all"... i have poker nights, i have making our own slip n' slides out of plastic wrap, i have hot dogging/muffining, i have dirt ball fights... i have a lifetime of wonderful moments, it's all safely secured in my heart, a heart full of memories and happiness.
i have amazing friends. i have amazing memories. it has been one of my life's biggest revelations - not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. treasure those that do, but don't hold on to hard feelings for those that don't. instead, let your heart be open to remembering those wonderful times, treasure those.
thank you to all of the amazing people that i have been blessed to be friends with, both past and present, you have helped shape me, and i won't forget the beautiful moments that we've shared (that's what he said...)
PENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNYCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
paper cuts and peace of mind
i have recently become aware of how incorrectly we use the phrase "peace of mind." usually used as if it's something we can get, something we can attain... "i need to make a little more money and then i will have some peace of mind" or "once the car is fixed and life settles down again i will have some peace of mind." it's an "if/than" formula. if i ____ than i will have peace of mind. funny, because when you really dissect the sentence it says, peace of (the) mind, as if a sense of peace comes over the mind. i think that peace has to come outside of the mind, we are not able to attain peace on our own, it must be given to us.
matthew 11:28
"come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest."
john 14:27
"my peace i leave with you; my peace i give to you. i do not give to you as the world gives, do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
pretty compelling argument that we cannot come to a place of complete transcension from stress and anxiety, where we attain peace on our own... and really when you think about it, the phrase peace of mind seems a little silly, since it's usually our brains that create the stress to begin with!
i got a really bad paper cut at work today. it just happened to be from my letter of resignation... it was a pretty bad cut, and for a second it threw me into a moment of pain, and for some reason, second guessing my decision to leave. tomorrow is my last day working at hennepin county, i start my new job in two and a half weeks. this is a season in life when each moment seems like one of trust, and every second holds a temptation to worry. i am completely aware that, for the most part, i am stumbling through this process of allowing God to give me that peace that i desire so much.
a wise friend of mine told me recently "it is my job as a mother and a homemaker to create peace in my home." now, this is not to say that men cannot bring peace into an atmosphere, but i think that there is something very powerful about the peace of a woman in a home and the incredible effect it has on each person who enters. it's ironic then, that a large majority of the most wonderful women i know are worriers. we fret, we strain, we calculate, we plan, and we worry with the best of 'em. there is a general lack of peace amongst us... and i have to wonder if it isn't a much larger battle that we are fighting. is it more intrinsic for women to worry? i don't know. but if distracted by worry, and due to that, unable to share the peace given to her by God with her home, a household will be affected. a wife, a mother, a sister or a friend - i believe a strong sense of His peace is part of your biblical destiny, and that strength will not only empower others, but it will refresh them as well.
i guess this is all a bit of a tangent, pretty much how my over-worked brain has been processing things lately. i will say this much, a woman without peace is an unfortunate force to be reckoned with, a woman with peace can calm an entire army.
matthew 11:28
"come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest."
john 14:27
"my peace i leave with you; my peace i give to you. i do not give to you as the world gives, do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
pretty compelling argument that we cannot come to a place of complete transcension from stress and anxiety, where we attain peace on our own... and really when you think about it, the phrase peace of mind seems a little silly, since it's usually our brains that create the stress to begin with!
i got a really bad paper cut at work today. it just happened to be from my letter of resignation... it was a pretty bad cut, and for a second it threw me into a moment of pain, and for some reason, second guessing my decision to leave. tomorrow is my last day working at hennepin county, i start my new job in two and a half weeks. this is a season in life when each moment seems like one of trust, and every second holds a temptation to worry. i am completely aware that, for the most part, i am stumbling through this process of allowing God to give me that peace that i desire so much.
a wise friend of mine told me recently "it is my job as a mother and a homemaker to create peace in my home." now, this is not to say that men cannot bring peace into an atmosphere, but i think that there is something very powerful about the peace of a woman in a home and the incredible effect it has on each person who enters. it's ironic then, that a large majority of the most wonderful women i know are worriers. we fret, we strain, we calculate, we plan, and we worry with the best of 'em. there is a general lack of peace amongst us... and i have to wonder if it isn't a much larger battle that we are fighting. is it more intrinsic for women to worry? i don't know. but if distracted by worry, and due to that, unable to share the peace given to her by God with her home, a household will be affected. a wife, a mother, a sister or a friend - i believe a strong sense of His peace is part of your biblical destiny, and that strength will not only empower others, but it will refresh them as well.
i guess this is all a bit of a tangent, pretty much how my over-worked brain has been processing things lately. i will say this much, a woman without peace is an unfortunate force to be reckoned with, a woman with peace can calm an entire army.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
take a bow... and your safety net
some days my cycnical side gets the best of me, and i begin to think that there are two types of people in this world: those who are too afraid to step out into the unknown, and those who do.
over the past couple of days i have stumbled upon several situations via strangers or acquaintances that have left me thinking about all of the decisions that we make in life, and how each person handles these decisions differently. i'm sure this goes back to some deep-seated (yes, that's right, i thought it was deep-seeded too, but google proved me wrong) matrix of life experiences and their outcomes, but still, it's interesting. i've talked about something similar this before, but i think that this is a bit different.
i've seen people stay with the same girlfriend or boyfriend for years and years, one that they are not really happy with, not well matched to and could do much much better than, but they are deeply afraid to be alone, so they stay and convince themselves that they are in love with them. i've seen people stay in jobs that they hate, with a company they despise and a position that literally makes them sick with stress. i've seen cars being driven around that are held together by duct tape, zip ties, and a few lucky coat hangers (ok, ok, guilty as charged!). yes yes, stop being so logical, everyone knows that in some instances, you may not financially have a choice about sticking with a few of these things, but in the grand scheme of things this is just a symptom. someone who stays with that significant other, in that job, or with that terribly terribly malformed car, is rarely nostalgic, they are simply too afraid to move forward, to try.
the unknown is scary (helllllo justification?), but what are we living for if not to try and experience some level of satisfaction with the amount of effort we've put into our own lives.
like i said, this could be a bit critical, and as usual, i tend to be generalizing, but it makes me sad to see lives being wasted. is this an american thing? a gen y thing? nah, i think it has a lot to do with where we are at spiritually, as in, typically God pushes you to move beyond what feels safe. beyond the known into the unknown. without taking a leap of faith, we would never find the loving arms of a God who rewards us for trusting him enough to follow him into what may seem like a crazy, half-cocked plan.
so why am i so stuck on this whole thing? i think because i see God asking me to trust him, i hear his voice asking me to dip my toe into the abyss of the unknown, but time and time again i shrink back into the warmth of the known, the comfort of my little, well-known nest of safety.
i see the consequences of my safety nets. do you see yours?
over the past couple of days i have stumbled upon several situations via strangers or acquaintances that have left me thinking about all of the decisions that we make in life, and how each person handles these decisions differently. i'm sure this goes back to some deep-seated (yes, that's right, i thought it was deep-seeded too, but google proved me wrong) matrix of life experiences and their outcomes, but still, it's interesting. i've talked about something similar this before, but i think that this is a bit different.
i've seen people stay with the same girlfriend or boyfriend for years and years, one that they are not really happy with, not well matched to and could do much much better than, but they are deeply afraid to be alone, so they stay and convince themselves that they are in love with them. i've seen people stay in jobs that they hate, with a company they despise and a position that literally makes them sick with stress. i've seen cars being driven around that are held together by duct tape, zip ties, and a few lucky coat hangers (ok, ok, guilty as charged!). yes yes, stop being so logical, everyone knows that in some instances, you may not financially have a choice about sticking with a few of these things, but in the grand scheme of things this is just a symptom. someone who stays with that significant other, in that job, or with that terribly terribly malformed car, is rarely nostalgic, they are simply too afraid to move forward, to try.
the unknown is scary (helllllo justification?), but what are we living for if not to try and experience some level of satisfaction with the amount of effort we've put into our own lives.
like i said, this could be a bit critical, and as usual, i tend to be generalizing, but it makes me sad to see lives being wasted. is this an american thing? a gen y thing? nah, i think it has a lot to do with where we are at spiritually, as in, typically God pushes you to move beyond what feels safe. beyond the known into the unknown. without taking a leap of faith, we would never find the loving arms of a God who rewards us for trusting him enough to follow him into what may seem like a crazy, half-cocked plan.
so why am i so stuck on this whole thing? i think because i see God asking me to trust him, i hear his voice asking me to dip my toe into the abyss of the unknown, but time and time again i shrink back into the warmth of the known, the comfort of my little, well-known nest of safety.
i see the consequences of my safety nets. do you see yours?
Monday, April 25, 2011
justification - the disease of a lifetime
what is it about being questioned? why do we so quickly jump from a query to the blame-game, and almost immediately escalate to bitter justification?
there must be something about our sinful human nature that pulls this out of us, like one terrible moment ruining a perfect day, this is something truly ugly. as a teenager i spent way too much time in front of a mirror, looking only at a reflection and not much at the person staring back... my mom told me once "it doesn't matter how pretty you are on the outside if your insides are ugly." of course she was not referring to a rotten kidney or a spoiled stomach (these would be much easier to fix), but something much deeper... the heart. what is it that they call it? the human condition. that sounds just about right.
justification is an ailment that sinks it's nails into the minds of everyone at one time or another. when we are questioned, something, some unknown sense comes over us, a fear of the vulnerability in being wrong, a gut-reaction to an interrogation which we know we should have answers to, or do, but feel that the very core of of who we are is being called into question. what drives us to justification? is it because we have this intrinsic need to feel like we have some sort of control, that what we have done, thought or decided, is correct, no matter what anyone else says?
some people have said that this desire to justify is due to a lack of humility... i don't know about that. of course it's possible, and in certain instances, sure, arrogance can find it's way into any heart. but i think the real root of justification traces back to needing to feel that we have something to hang on to. if we act based on our knowledge, and then that act or knowledge is called into question, what a feeling of fear that can bring. what if we were wrong? and if we were, what does that mean? i don't think this fear is wrong... but i do think that the most often reaction (and immediate) is to begin to justify ones actions instead of weighing the words of another, to determine if their opinions, as hurtful as they may or may not be, may hold some truth to them. it is a scary (but very brave) thing to not only hear the doubt and questions of another, but to let that question be absorbed, pass through to your very marrow, and let the Holy Spirit speak to whether there is truth to it or not.
my battle? it's scary to be wrong. but if my decisions and actions are based on what i feel God has called me to, i guess i don't have to worry much about justification - my honor is defended in Him.
this life is no place for someone who can only look at a mirror and not see the person who is staring back.
there must be something about our sinful human nature that pulls this out of us, like one terrible moment ruining a perfect day, this is something truly ugly. as a teenager i spent way too much time in front of a mirror, looking only at a reflection and not much at the person staring back... my mom told me once "it doesn't matter how pretty you are on the outside if your insides are ugly." of course she was not referring to a rotten kidney or a spoiled stomach (these would be much easier to fix), but something much deeper... the heart. what is it that they call it? the human condition. that sounds just about right.
justification is an ailment that sinks it's nails into the minds of everyone at one time or another. when we are questioned, something, some unknown sense comes over us, a fear of the vulnerability in being wrong, a gut-reaction to an interrogation which we know we should have answers to, or do, but feel that the very core of of who we are is being called into question. what drives us to justification? is it because we have this intrinsic need to feel like we have some sort of control, that what we have done, thought or decided, is correct, no matter what anyone else says?
some people have said that this desire to justify is due to a lack of humility... i don't know about that. of course it's possible, and in certain instances, sure, arrogance can find it's way into any heart. but i think the real root of justification traces back to needing to feel that we have something to hang on to. if we act based on our knowledge, and then that act or knowledge is called into question, what a feeling of fear that can bring. what if we were wrong? and if we were, what does that mean? i don't think this fear is wrong... but i do think that the most often reaction (and immediate) is to begin to justify ones actions instead of weighing the words of another, to determine if their opinions, as hurtful as they may or may not be, may hold some truth to them. it is a scary (but very brave) thing to not only hear the doubt and questions of another, but to let that question be absorbed, pass through to your very marrow, and let the Holy Spirit speak to whether there is truth to it or not.
my battle? it's scary to be wrong. but if my decisions and actions are based on what i feel God has called me to, i guess i don't have to worry much about justification - my honor is defended in Him.
this life is no place for someone who can only look at a mirror and not see the person who is staring back.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
it's a sign of the times
birds chirping outside, but the snow is falling.
quiet, relaxing current music (89.3 yo) on in the background, but sharp thumps and bumps coming from the neighbors house.
moving forward, but tripping most of the way.
i have been amazed lately at the examples of how God pushes us, allows these crazy extremes in our lives.
"The Lord is my refuge and my fortress"
i sorta feel like that whole being put through the fire to bring out the purity in the gold is a constant cycle of my life. in high school we used to joke about re-learning lessons that we knew that we already knew, but seemed to forget just in time to need a refresher course via God. but here i am 10 years later and still freezing in my steps, thinking for a split second and then smacking my hand to my head thinkin - COME ON, you KNOW THIS!! ironically, it never seems to be things that i just need to know, it's things that i need to do. it's not like getting back from the grocery store and thinking, crap, i forgot the milk... i get milk every single time i go to the store, how could i forget that?! it's more along the lines of, i know how God expects and desires me to handle these life situations, i may have even done then dozens or even a hundred times before, and yet, i still manage to get wrapped up in my own life and somehow miss the signs... all of the sudden i'm in the proverbial des moines IA and have no idea why i'm there or what i should do. after a minute or two (or months depending on just how dumb i am at the time), God gently reminds me, this is why i've brought you to this crossroad again, i have more to teach you.
these types of situations are both a blessing and a curse (but i guess since it seems like they will be happening for the rest of my entire life i should just start seeing them as just blessings... :)). a blessing because this gives me another chance to do it right, to follow God's direction, to utilize the grace that He is offering me to handle a situation that i am not capable of handling myself... a curse because it's so darn humbling.
ahhh humbling. this is one of my absolute favorite memories from high school. somewhere along the lines, in our mixed up holier-than-thou attitude and theology-lite, we had this thing. long story short, in the most high-school-appropriate-level-of-maturity we would ask God to humble someone. oh of course, we'd say it in the most christian way possible - we were worried about their attitude or their pride, we thought that it was affecting them, and we were really just asking God to humble them for their own good. right...
alright, set aside your many judgments regarding our clear lack of biblical knowledge and hypocrisy on this matter and just take a second to think about how absolutely absurd this whole concept was. ooooooh, but it worked! lemme tell you, we prayed for quite a few people to be "humbled" and boy, we were not disappointed! i realize that this was never how God intended for humility to be viewed. ironically, we all learned our lesson regarding this, and all were humbled by our lack of humility. funny how God does that :)
must just be a sign of the times - time to re-learn, time to be made aware once again of the fact that God is constantly shaping and reshaping us, and we can be confident in the fact that He is never quite through with us. and even though this can be an exhausting thought, i somehow always feel refreshed. what a good God we serve.
quiet, relaxing current music (89.3 yo) on in the background, but sharp thumps and bumps coming from the neighbors house.
moving forward, but tripping most of the way.
i have been amazed lately at the examples of how God pushes us, allows these crazy extremes in our lives.
"The Lord is my refuge and my fortress"
i sorta feel like that whole being put through the fire to bring out the purity in the gold is a constant cycle of my life. in high school we used to joke about re-learning lessons that we knew that we already knew, but seemed to forget just in time to need a refresher course via God. but here i am 10 years later and still freezing in my steps, thinking for a split second and then smacking my hand to my head thinkin - COME ON, you KNOW THIS!! ironically, it never seems to be things that i just need to know, it's things that i need to do. it's not like getting back from the grocery store and thinking, crap, i forgot the milk... i get milk every single time i go to the store, how could i forget that?! it's more along the lines of, i know how God expects and desires me to handle these life situations, i may have even done then dozens or even a hundred times before, and yet, i still manage to get wrapped up in my own life and somehow miss the signs... all of the sudden i'm in the proverbial des moines IA and have no idea why i'm there or what i should do. after a minute or two (or months depending on just how dumb i am at the time), God gently reminds me, this is why i've brought you to this crossroad again, i have more to teach you.
these types of situations are both a blessing and a curse (but i guess since it seems like they will be happening for the rest of my entire life i should just start seeing them as just blessings... :)). a blessing because this gives me another chance to do it right, to follow God's direction, to utilize the grace that He is offering me to handle a situation that i am not capable of handling myself... a curse because it's so darn humbling.
ahhh humbling. this is one of my absolute favorite memories from high school. somewhere along the lines, in our mixed up holier-than-thou attitude and theology-lite, we had this thing. long story short, in the most high-school-appropriate-level-of-maturity we would ask God to humble someone. oh of course, we'd say it in the most christian way possible - we were worried about their attitude or their pride, we thought that it was affecting them, and we were really just asking God to humble them for their own good. right...
alright, set aside your many judgments regarding our clear lack of biblical knowledge and hypocrisy on this matter and just take a second to think about how absolutely absurd this whole concept was. ooooooh, but it worked! lemme tell you, we prayed for quite a few people to be "humbled" and boy, we were not disappointed! i realize that this was never how God intended for humility to be viewed. ironically, we all learned our lesson regarding this, and all were humbled by our lack of humility. funny how God does that :)
must just be a sign of the times - time to re-learn, time to be made aware once again of the fact that God is constantly shaping and reshaping us, and we can be confident in the fact that He is never quite through with us. and even though this can be an exhausting thought, i somehow always feel refreshed. what a good God we serve.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
a new low - the art of freshening breath
now don't get me wrong, i try to be prepared for most situations. i typically carry an enormous purse (suitcase) with me everywhere with items ranging from tweezers (for that little hair that you just HAVE to get immediately) to 3 separate types of eye wear, and even to the extreme of a few "safety" items, which rotate depending on my current my level of neuroticism (a pair of unopened socks, the obligatory finger nail clipper and back-up nail file, the bobbypin/safety pin combo, emergency snack, the stain remover stick, during a particularly intense sushi craving phase i carried chop sticks and extra wasabi with me everywhere, and my recent fav, a stash of toothpicks for ry when he gets bored and needs something to do...)
the one thing i am never without though is gum. i love gum. i will shout it to the hills, and if necessary, to the faces of my many dentists throughout the years who have shaken their heads at my poor poor cavity-filled teeth. love. it.
yesterday was a big day. i had a very important meeting, so i was up extra early, and even ate breakfast, which i would find out later would be my ultimate demise. what, you say? how could breakfast be the downfall of our great and glorious hero on such an important day? could it be a rogue piece of spinach from a breakfast sandwich stuck in my teeth? possibly some left over egg staining a shirt? the possibilities are endless, right? well, it was some particularly strong-smelling breakfast foods that i consumed, and i neglected to check for my afore-mentioned necessary purse item, the beloved gum, prior to leaving for my meeting. on my way to the meeting i came to a stoplight and nonchalantly reached into my purse for a little fresh breath fixer, noticing that i really needed it, if you know what i mean... only to panic, finding a completely empty package! GASP! i had no extra time to stop at a gas station, and with every passing moment it became even more apparent that there was no way i would be taken seriously with this kind of breath!
i started to panic, what could i possibly do?! i became frantic, yanking everything out of my glove box trying to find something, anything, to freshen my breath. which, actually, in hindsight, probably took me just as long as it would have taken to stop at one of the three gas stations i saw on the way to my meeting. i arrived at the location for my meeting, and with one last hand-swipe through my purse/suitcase, i found... mint flavored burts bees chap stick. for those of you who are faint at heart... stop reading now. no really, i mean it, now. now dangit!
no build up necessary, i ate it. not the whole thing obviously, but certainly a good chunk. it was mint flavored, it tasted like crap (bee crap actually), but i didn't die and surprisingly it did actually freshen my breath. it remains to be seen just how much of my lifespan will be affected by this unwise breath-freshening choice, but i still count it as a victory... and also a new low.
so there you have it folks, the birds and the bees if you will, of freshening your breath when you literally have no options. also, the meeting went great. here's to hoping none of those people ever find this blog... :)
the one thing i am never without though is gum. i love gum. i will shout it to the hills, and if necessary, to the faces of my many dentists throughout the years who have shaken their heads at my poor poor cavity-filled teeth. love. it.
yesterday was a big day. i had a very important meeting, so i was up extra early, and even ate breakfast, which i would find out later would be my ultimate demise. what, you say? how could breakfast be the downfall of our great and glorious hero on such an important day? could it be a rogue piece of spinach from a breakfast sandwich stuck in my teeth? possibly some left over egg staining a shirt? the possibilities are endless, right? well, it was some particularly strong-smelling breakfast foods that i consumed, and i neglected to check for my afore-mentioned necessary purse item, the beloved gum, prior to leaving for my meeting. on my way to the meeting i came to a stoplight and nonchalantly reached into my purse for a little fresh breath fixer, noticing that i really needed it, if you know what i mean... only to panic, finding a completely empty package! GASP! i had no extra time to stop at a gas station, and with every passing moment it became even more apparent that there was no way i would be taken seriously with this kind of breath!
i started to panic, what could i possibly do?! i became frantic, yanking everything out of my glove box trying to find something, anything, to freshen my breath. which, actually, in hindsight, probably took me just as long as it would have taken to stop at one of the three gas stations i saw on the way to my meeting. i arrived at the location for my meeting, and with one last hand-swipe through my purse/suitcase, i found... mint flavored burts bees chap stick. for those of you who are faint at heart... stop reading now. no really, i mean it, now. now dangit!
no build up necessary, i ate it. not the whole thing obviously, but certainly a good chunk. it was mint flavored, it tasted like crap (bee crap actually), but i didn't die and surprisingly it did actually freshen my breath. it remains to be seen just how much of my lifespan will be affected by this unwise breath-freshening choice, but i still count it as a victory... and also a new low.
so there you have it folks, the birds and the bees if you will, of freshening your breath when you literally have no options. also, the meeting went great. here's to hoping none of those people ever find this blog... :)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
movin on (and on, and on, and on...)
i have approximately 27 years, 8 months, 15 days and 17 hours (give or take a few minutes) worth of experience in my life. granted, it's not much in comparison to those who have several more generations under their belt, but it's something at least. one of the things that i have noticed in my 27+ years is the drastic differences in our (as individuals) ability to cope with change. it seems that to some people, change is a necessary constant, something that phases them no more than brushing their teeth or shoveling their drive way. change junkies not included, since i think that may actually be some sort of a mental health issue (not sayin, just sayin....) to others, change is terrifying, something to be completely avoided, even to the extent of becoming entirely debilitating.
one of change's most predominant forms is found in relationships. the relationship form of change can range anywhere from the pathetic ex-girlfriend who just won't give up hope years later, to the constant reformation of a relationship with a father suffering from alzheimers. if people are always changing, then so must relationships, even if that means a lack thereof. the thing i find most interesting and challenging is that if your natural coping mechanisms for change, excuse my terminology, suck, it is a very real possibility that you will struggle deeply in your relationships. now, of course that doesn't mean that just because you're great at coping, or even encouraging change, that you will have successful relationships.
here's what i keep tryin to wrap my brain around. if each one of us is constantly changing, so are our relationships, and as relationships make up much of what our lives are constructed of, at what point, if at all, do you decide that the change is too much...? you've grown too far apart, the other person (or yourself) is just too different, or you don't have anything in common any longer. non-christian and christian counselors alike all say that one of the biggest factors in having a successful relationship (fam, friends, spouse, etc) is learning to grow with one another. this has struck me as a really great point, though not because so-called mental professionals have said so, but because it not only points out that we need to run alongside each other throughout our lives, but it also implies that we should be constantly growing (which i believe is much different than just changing).
since poppin out of the womb, nearly 28 years full of a gosh-darn lot of experiences, i've seen a lot of relationships crumble, and i'm tryin real hard to pinpoint this whole change thing, because i think it certainly plays a strategic role. there are a lot of beautiful marriages that i have seen fall apart, not due to any straying, financial struggles or major life event... no, they fell apart one day at a time, one less kiss goodbye, one less weekend away, one less heartfelt conversation. and in it's place? one more hour or two of working late, one more project that just has to get done, one more hobby that fills up the space that person once held. of course this happens in friendships too, but i think i'll tackle that one later... but in marriages it is devastating, lives are uprooted, trust is gone and allegiances are broken.
so why? can all of this be blamed on change? we all change, so it's inevitable that things will have to end at some point, right? i think the non-christian culture will tell you that it is completely normal to grow and change, that at some point, that person who was perfect for you is no longer the ideal mate, and that it's okay to move on. but, clearly the bible does not feel this way (more on this in a later post...) to be honest, i don't really think the blame lies on just one thing, because what good does that do? it will not change the heartbreaking outcome of a relationship ending, especially a divorce. but it does leave us with a very specific example of how to fight the 50% and growing divorce rate in the US (and even higher among christians). never let the one less start. instead of hitting a wall, waking up one morning to realize that you don't really know the person lying next to you, make every day count. grow with each other every day. EVERY. DAY. change may be an excuse, but it certainly is not a reason. the sovereignty of God and His ability to unite two souls for all of their time here on earth is not a maybe... it is a certainty.
so i guess i'm leaving you feeling like i have more questions than answers, but hey, maybe my opinions will change... :)
special note: unhealthy relationships are a totally different matter. a little tiny fey action: that's a dealbreakahhhh! if someone is co-dependent, manipulative, deceptive, abusive, controlling or has a negative effect on the relationship/person, then i would argue that all of the change mumbo-jumbo that i've just spewed out doesn't much apply. there are many relationships out there that ended, and needed to end, because it was not healthy for one or both of the individuals involved. those are the ones that you just gotta cut the cord completely and move on from, nobody wins if you're standing around tryin to salvage it all.
one of change's most predominant forms is found in relationships. the relationship form of change can range anywhere from the pathetic ex-girlfriend who just won't give up hope years later, to the constant reformation of a relationship with a father suffering from alzheimers. if people are always changing, then so must relationships, even if that means a lack thereof. the thing i find most interesting and challenging is that if your natural coping mechanisms for change, excuse my terminology, suck, it is a very real possibility that you will struggle deeply in your relationships. now, of course that doesn't mean that just because you're great at coping, or even encouraging change, that you will have successful relationships.
here's what i keep tryin to wrap my brain around. if each one of us is constantly changing, so are our relationships, and as relationships make up much of what our lives are constructed of, at what point, if at all, do you decide that the change is too much...? you've grown too far apart, the other person (or yourself) is just too different, or you don't have anything in common any longer. non-christian and christian counselors alike all say that one of the biggest factors in having a successful relationship (fam, friends, spouse, etc) is learning to grow with one another. this has struck me as a really great point, though not because so-called mental professionals have said so, but because it not only points out that we need to run alongside each other throughout our lives, but it also implies that we should be constantly growing (which i believe is much different than just changing).
since poppin out of the womb, nearly 28 years full of a gosh-darn lot of experiences, i've seen a lot of relationships crumble, and i'm tryin real hard to pinpoint this whole change thing, because i think it certainly plays a strategic role. there are a lot of beautiful marriages that i have seen fall apart, not due to any straying, financial struggles or major life event... no, they fell apart one day at a time, one less kiss goodbye, one less weekend away, one less heartfelt conversation. and in it's place? one more hour or two of working late, one more project that just has to get done, one more hobby that fills up the space that person once held. of course this happens in friendships too, but i think i'll tackle that one later... but in marriages it is devastating, lives are uprooted, trust is gone and allegiances are broken.
so why? can all of this be blamed on change? we all change, so it's inevitable that things will have to end at some point, right? i think the non-christian culture will tell you that it is completely normal to grow and change, that at some point, that person who was perfect for you is no longer the ideal mate, and that it's okay to move on. but, clearly the bible does not feel this way (more on this in a later post...) to be honest, i don't really think the blame lies on just one thing, because what good does that do? it will not change the heartbreaking outcome of a relationship ending, especially a divorce. but it does leave us with a very specific example of how to fight the 50% and growing divorce rate in the US (and even higher among christians). never let the one less start. instead of hitting a wall, waking up one morning to realize that you don't really know the person lying next to you, make every day count. grow with each other every day. EVERY. DAY. change may be an excuse, but it certainly is not a reason. the sovereignty of God and His ability to unite two souls for all of their time here on earth is not a maybe... it is a certainty.
so i guess i'm leaving you feeling like i have more questions than answers, but hey, maybe my opinions will change... :)
special note: unhealthy relationships are a totally different matter. a little tiny fey action: that's a dealbreakahhhh! if someone is co-dependent, manipulative, deceptive, abusive, controlling or has a negative effect on the relationship/person, then i would argue that all of the change mumbo-jumbo that i've just spewed out doesn't much apply. there are many relationships out there that ended, and needed to end, because it was not healthy for one or both of the individuals involved. those are the ones that you just gotta cut the cord completely and move on from, nobody wins if you're standing around tryin to salvage it all.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
the Gothers conundrum
the Gothers conundrum is something that i have struggled with for at least the past couple of years. there are actually few things that i have struggled with more than this (though let's be honest, i am really just one big struggle as it is :)).
here's the thing, post old-testament (which is, of course just as important as the old testament, just talkin biblical timeline-wise), it is pretty clear that Jesus pointed out his two biggies for those who desire to follow him:
commandment 1: love God
commandment 2: love others
put 'em together, God + others = Gothers
so, for a little background info:
Matthew's version is a bit different, but i'm still a big fan (i like to use just abt as many versions of the bible as possible, can't help it :)). as it should, context comes into play: this is actually a prime example of Jesus being able to take one look at the little scheme the they're-not-phar-ya-sees had cooked up and blasting them right out of the water with a response that not only made their nasty little question sound silly, but also provided all of the rest of us with some life-long guidance, which is his two main commandments, love God, love others. -1 for the bad guys, +10 for Jesus. win!
i have begun to notice a growing trend in churches, one that originally confused me, then frustrated me, and now just makes me a bit sad. and that trend is that there is a very high focus (in some churches) on commandment number 2, and less of a focus on commandment number 1. now don't get me wrong, most churches still stick to their doctrine, the basic of "we love God", but it has become very blurry as to what this actually entails. and let's be honest, it is often easier in a seeker-sensitive church to put a specific focus on loving others (who we can see and interact with, and work towards bringing to faith) and put more of a general focus on loving God (who we not only cannot see, but poses an major unknown as to how exactly to love him, or what that even looks like on a daily basis). unfortunately, i have walked into some churches and been shown incredible love and acceptance, but did not experience any major direction toward who God is and how we can love him more, beyond what was mentioned as loving others. i think at times this may even be completely unintentional; just a church trying to teach christians what love is like. but in actuality, it is creating a very deep barrier, one that i fear will keep new christians from truly understanding what our lives and love should look like.
thus the Gothers conundrum. by my definition (and since this isn't an actual word, it's really the only definition), this means that a church or individual focuses more on loving others than it does on loving God, which automatically puts it at odds with both Matthew and Luke (as well as the rest of the bible, and reason for being a christian as whole). and lemme tell you, context doesn't fix this one.
now, back to the bible verses! in Luke's version, the conversation is specific (or at least the question is, maybe not the implications) to what we must do to get into heaven. i get that we need to love others, i truly believe it is a necessity. but here is the core of it - there are many people out there who love others and place their needs about their own, but they do not know God and according to the bible, because of that will not go to heaven (John 14:6). i also believe that there are people out there who love Jesus, but who are not super great at loving others, maybe they are working at it, and i think that is the most important part.
admittedly, i am no theologian (thank God for you guys, cuz if i was this post would be approximately 20 pages longer with a lot of little footnotes...), but i can't help but believe Jesus was trying to point out three very specific things in these verses:
1) Jesus is saying I am always first. Always. In your heart, in your head, in your life, no matter what, I AM first.
2) for the most part, we love ourselves, and minus the cranky days or those in which we know we're not a real great person, we seem to have a bit more understanding and forgiveness for ourselves (as opposed to others, who we might/do critique). now, i know i know, we get down on ourselves too, but just follow me here, you know your own excuses and are a heck of a lot nicer to your own psyche than you are (as a general rule) to every single person you come into contact with. i think Jesus was trying to point out: see how well you treat your body? See how you treat yourself? Make sure you are extending that same love and grace to others. i have said that you need to love me, because i first loved you, and now it's time to complete the cycle by you loving others just as much as you love yourself and me. "love your neighbor AS yourself"!
3) you need to obey both of these commandments, but they are NOT interchangable. though it's not directly stated in these verses, both the new and old testament are pretty clear that humans are full of fault, and are incapable of loving perfectly. we need Jesus to give us love so that we can truly extend it to others. if that is the basis for much of the bible (and therefore also these two verses), one could infer that you must FIRST love God in order to even be able to love others. instead I feel that some have taken it too far saying that if we don't love others we are not going to heaven or have failed miserably as a christian. well, i would sort of agree with the second part, but really, if you are truly loving God with all your heart, soul, and mind, i don't think it's even possible for you to not love others because it's not coming from you, it's coming from Him - making that point pretty much null and void.
so what would this really look like? if you actually lived your life by these two commandments above all us? in order, God first always, others second. boy, if just one church took this challenge for a month, i think it would start a change that couldn't be stopped.
my heart is for Jesus, and because of that, my heart is for others. but it has to be in that order. if you take things out of that order you are not only stuck in the Gothers conundrum, but i would say you're more of an otherian, rather than a christian. please understand, this is not meant to offend, but simply to point out how far we have fallen in certain ways, and placed others (used in different settings, named as: neighbors, friends, family, the new hotness term is "community") above God. i see more energy put into trying to get people into church (or a small group, meal group, community group, etc etc) than is spent on their own personal relationships with Jesus, and i think that is just plain wrong. yes, your "community" is important, but community does not create a genuine relationship with Christ, even if you are doing all of these things in His name.
alright, so call me a hypocrite, cuz i am. but i am workin towards getting better. i am trying to stop doing so many activities, stop spending more time reaching out to others than i am spending time with Jesus. and using all of that extra time to invest specifically in some form of worship (that does not involve others). don't get me wrong, serving God by serving others is great, but that alone cannot sustain a relationship with God, there needs to be much much more.
i'm guessing i've lost approximately 95% of you throughout the course of this post since it is too theological for some and not nearly theological for others, but if you've made it this far, i just as one thing: ask yourself what your life would look like if you counter-acted the Gothers conundrum? even just for a week? just a thought...
here's the thing, post old-testament (which is, of course just as important as the old testament, just talkin biblical timeline-wise), it is pretty clear that Jesus pointed out his two biggies for those who desire to follow him:
commandment 1: love God
commandment 2: love others
put 'em together, God + others = Gothers
so, for a little background info:
Luke 10:25-28
25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”
27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”
28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
Luke's version always makes me grin a bit, it's so straight forward that i just can't help but smile. the thing that is important to note is that this verse is focused on how to get eternal life, more on that later.
Matthew 22:35-40
35 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Matthew's version is a bit different, but i'm still a big fan (i like to use just abt as many versions of the bible as possible, can't help it :)). as it should, context comes into play: this is actually a prime example of Jesus being able to take one look at the little scheme the they're-not-phar-ya-sees had cooked up and blasting them right out of the water with a response that not only made their nasty little question sound silly, but also provided all of the rest of us with some life-long guidance, which is his two main commandments, love God, love others. -1 for the bad guys, +10 for Jesus. win!
i have begun to notice a growing trend in churches, one that originally confused me, then frustrated me, and now just makes me a bit sad. and that trend is that there is a very high focus (in some churches) on commandment number 2, and less of a focus on commandment number 1. now don't get me wrong, most churches still stick to their doctrine, the basic of "we love God", but it has become very blurry as to what this actually entails. and let's be honest, it is often easier in a seeker-sensitive church to put a specific focus on loving others (who we can see and interact with, and work towards bringing to faith) and put more of a general focus on loving God (who we not only cannot see, but poses an major unknown as to how exactly to love him, or what that even looks like on a daily basis). unfortunately, i have walked into some churches and been shown incredible love and acceptance, but did not experience any major direction toward who God is and how we can love him more, beyond what was mentioned as loving others. i think at times this may even be completely unintentional; just a church trying to teach christians what love is like. but in actuality, it is creating a very deep barrier, one that i fear will keep new christians from truly understanding what our lives and love should look like.
thus the Gothers conundrum. by my definition (and since this isn't an actual word, it's really the only definition), this means that a church or individual focuses more on loving others than it does on loving God, which automatically puts it at odds with both Matthew and Luke (as well as the rest of the bible, and reason for being a christian as whole). and lemme tell you, context doesn't fix this one.
now, back to the bible verses! in Luke's version, the conversation is specific (or at least the question is, maybe not the implications) to what we must do to get into heaven. i get that we need to love others, i truly believe it is a necessity. but here is the core of it - there are many people out there who love others and place their needs about their own, but they do not know God and according to the bible, because of that will not go to heaven (John 14:6). i also believe that there are people out there who love Jesus, but who are not super great at loving others, maybe they are working at it, and i think that is the most important part.
admittedly, i am no theologian (thank God for you guys, cuz if i was this post would be approximately 20 pages longer with a lot of little footnotes...), but i can't help but believe Jesus was trying to point out three very specific things in these verses:
1) Jesus is saying I am always first. Always. In your heart, in your head, in your life, no matter what, I AM first.
2) for the most part, we love ourselves, and minus the cranky days or those in which we know we're not a real great person, we seem to have a bit more understanding and forgiveness for ourselves (as opposed to others, who we might/do critique). now, i know i know, we get down on ourselves too, but just follow me here, you know your own excuses and are a heck of a lot nicer to your own psyche than you are (as a general rule) to every single person you come into contact with. i think Jesus was trying to point out: see how well you treat your body? See how you treat yourself? Make sure you are extending that same love and grace to others. i have said that you need to love me, because i first loved you, and now it's time to complete the cycle by you loving others just as much as you love yourself and me. "love your neighbor AS yourself"!
3) you need to obey both of these commandments, but they are NOT interchangable. though it's not directly stated in these verses, both the new and old testament are pretty clear that humans are full of fault, and are incapable of loving perfectly. we need Jesus to give us love so that we can truly extend it to others. if that is the basis for much of the bible (and therefore also these two verses), one could infer that you must FIRST love God in order to even be able to love others. instead I feel that some have taken it too far saying that if we don't love others we are not going to heaven or have failed miserably as a christian. well, i would sort of agree with the second part, but really, if you are truly loving God with all your heart, soul, and mind, i don't think it's even possible for you to not love others because it's not coming from you, it's coming from Him - making that point pretty much null and void.
so what would this really look like? if you actually lived your life by these two commandments above all us? in order, God first always, others second. boy, if just one church took this challenge for a month, i think it would start a change that couldn't be stopped.
my heart is for Jesus, and because of that, my heart is for others. but it has to be in that order. if you take things out of that order you are not only stuck in the Gothers conundrum, but i would say you're more of an otherian, rather than a christian. please understand, this is not meant to offend, but simply to point out how far we have fallen in certain ways, and placed others (used in different settings, named as: neighbors, friends, family, the new hotness term is "community") above God. i see more energy put into trying to get people into church (or a small group, meal group, community group, etc etc) than is spent on their own personal relationships with Jesus, and i think that is just plain wrong. yes, your "community" is important, but community does not create a genuine relationship with Christ, even if you are doing all of these things in His name.
alright, so call me a hypocrite, cuz i am. but i am workin towards getting better. i am trying to stop doing so many activities, stop spending more time reaching out to others than i am spending time with Jesus. and using all of that extra time to invest specifically in some form of worship (that does not involve others). don't get me wrong, serving God by serving others is great, but that alone cannot sustain a relationship with God, there needs to be much much more.
i'm guessing i've lost approximately 95% of you throughout the course of this post since it is too theological for some and not nearly theological for others, but if you've made it this far, i just as one thing: ask yourself what your life would look like if you counter-acted the Gothers conundrum? even just for a week? just a thought...
Saturday, April 2, 2011
you wanted more
0 + 0 + 0 = a lot
if you could analyze it, if it was possible to determine which things in your life were considered "big" things, and which ones were "little" things, and then somehow find a way to quantify it, what do you think the results would be? would the bulk of all of the big things outweigh the little?
i stubbed my toe, spilled my coffee, got to work late and caught my hair in my car door. all very little things (none of which happened on any particular day, but due to my uncanny clutzy abilities, occur on a very regular basis), but you can bet that will put you in a foul mood, one that is quite possibly the start of a very bad day.
someone let me merge into rush hour traffic with a wave and a smile, the clerk made a joke as i paid for my gas, and the weather was 5 degrees warmer than the forecast predicted with a bit of sun for good measure. still, very small things, but it's certain that this will have a profound effect on my demeanor for the rest of whatever awesome day enveloped all of those things.
first and foremost, little or big, the things that we experience or happen to us do not define us. how we react, and most importantly, how we let God work in us, will define us. you should find no excuses in my descriptions of both bad and good days, simply some examples of the little things that we rarely stop to think about before complaining "i've had a TERRIBLE day", when in actuality, we just had a few things go wrong, and we let it define the rest of how our day went.
now don't get me wrong, the big things in our lives, death, wedding days, new jobs, or major illnesses definitely have a profound impact on who we are as individuals, but why is it that they are so much more dramatic and receive so much more attention? we see someone who leans on God during an extremely difficult divorce and we praise them for their grace and ability to handle something so terrible... but what about the neighbor next door, who for the past 20 years has been faithful in all of the little things, consistent in his dedication to serving God and others, but has not suffered major setbacks or been privileged to experience something monumental?
both the big and the little things have an incredible effect on who we are, but more importantly, who we chose to be. we must pay proper respect to the small things in our lives, because they may in fact, be what turns the tide of our day to day life experiences. God will give us everything that we need to face each second of every day, but He does give us free will to react poorly as well. what is that quote? who you are when you're hungry, tired and worn down is who you are at your core - and let's be honest, for most of us (if you're a food-holic, high maintenance sleeper who can get crabby fast like me, well, good luck...), that's not exactly the nicest person.
the cliche answer to it all? your life is what you make it! life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do about it (as my very wise husband always tells me).
if you could analyze it, if it was possible to determine which things in your life were considered "big" things, and which ones were "little" things, and then somehow find a way to quantify it, what do you think the results would be? would the bulk of all of the big things outweigh the little?
i stubbed my toe, spilled my coffee, got to work late and caught my hair in my car door. all very little things (none of which happened on any particular day, but due to my uncanny clutzy abilities, occur on a very regular basis), but you can bet that will put you in a foul mood, one that is quite possibly the start of a very bad day.
someone let me merge into rush hour traffic with a wave and a smile, the clerk made a joke as i paid for my gas, and the weather was 5 degrees warmer than the forecast predicted with a bit of sun for good measure. still, very small things, but it's certain that this will have a profound effect on my demeanor for the rest of whatever awesome day enveloped all of those things.
first and foremost, little or big, the things that we experience or happen to us do not define us. how we react, and most importantly, how we let God work in us, will define us. you should find no excuses in my descriptions of both bad and good days, simply some examples of the little things that we rarely stop to think about before complaining "i've had a TERRIBLE day", when in actuality, we just had a few things go wrong, and we let it define the rest of how our day went.
now don't get me wrong, the big things in our lives, death, wedding days, new jobs, or major illnesses definitely have a profound impact on who we are as individuals, but why is it that they are so much more dramatic and receive so much more attention? we see someone who leans on God during an extremely difficult divorce and we praise them for their grace and ability to handle something so terrible... but what about the neighbor next door, who for the past 20 years has been faithful in all of the little things, consistent in his dedication to serving God and others, but has not suffered major setbacks or been privileged to experience something monumental?
both the big and the little things have an incredible effect on who we are, but more importantly, who we chose to be. we must pay proper respect to the small things in our lives, because they may in fact, be what turns the tide of our day to day life experiences. God will give us everything that we need to face each second of every day, but He does give us free will to react poorly as well. what is that quote? who you are when you're hungry, tired and worn down is who you are at your core - and let's be honest, for most of us (if you're a food-holic, high maintenance sleeper who can get crabby fast like me, well, good luck...), that's not exactly the nicest person.
the cliche answer to it all? your life is what you make it! life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do about it (as my very wise husband always tells me).
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