justification - the disease of a lifetime

what is it about being questioned? why do we so quickly jump from a query to the blame-game, and almost immediately escalate to bitter justification?

there must be something about our sinful human nature that pulls this out of us, like one terrible moment ruining a perfect day, this is something truly ugly.  as a teenager i spent way too much time in front of a mirror, looking only at a reflection and not much at the person staring back... my mom told me once "it doesn't matter how pretty you are on the outside if your insides are ugly."  of course she was not referring to a rotten kidney or a spoiled stomach (these would be much easier to fix), but something much deeper... the heart.  what is it that they call it? the human condition.  that sounds just about right.

justification is an ailment that sinks it's nails into the minds of everyone at one time or another.  when we are questioned, something, some unknown sense comes over us, a fear of the vulnerability in being wrong, a gut-reaction to an interrogation which we know we should have answers to, or do, but feel that the very core of of who we are is being called into question.  what drives us to justification?  is it because we have this intrinsic need to feel like we have some sort of control, that what we have done, thought or decided, is correct, no matter what anyone else says?

some people have said that this desire to justify is due to a lack of humility... i don't know about that.  of course it's possible, and in certain instances, sure, arrogance can find it's way into any heart.  but i think the real root of justification traces back to needing to feel that we have something to hang on to.  if we act based on our knowledge, and then that act or knowledge is called into question, what a feeling of fear that can bring.  what if we were wrong?  and if we were, what does that mean?  i don't think this fear is wrong... but i do think that the most often reaction (and immediate) is to begin to justify ones actions instead of weighing the words of another, to determine if their opinions, as hurtful as they may or may not be, may hold some truth to them.  it is a scary (but very brave) thing to not only hear the doubt and questions of another, but to let that question be absorbed, pass through to your very marrow, and let the Holy Spirit speak to whether there is truth to it or not.

my battle? it's scary to be wrong.  but if my decisions and actions are based on what i feel God has called me to, i guess i don't have to worry much about justification - my honor is defended in Him.

this life is no place for someone who can only look at a mirror and not see the person who is staring back.