So, here I am. Blogging about something that I typically wouldn't share on such an open forum... but as I said to a friend recently, if we're not willing to share our stories, no one knows who to go to for help. Here goes nothing!
I Am Pro-"Fed Is Best"... But I Am Also Pro-Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding can be wonderful and beautiful, and incredibly empowering. But it can also be awful and painful and downright depressing. There are pros and cons, and the same goes for formula feeding...
And I am here to say that I don't think that "fed is best" and "pro-breastfeeding" are mutually exclusive... Because we live in a very privileged day and age, where we can both:
- Gain crucial information for decision making about our health and our babies, and
- Decide what's best for us knowing all of the circumstances that are involved in our individual situations (and not just what the current societal norm tells us to do). You can know what is technically "best", and still know that it's not best for you or your baby.
And with no further adieu, here is one of the most controversial statements I've ever uttered (and yet, it really shouldn't be...): Besides some post-natal bonding time, I will not be breastfeeding my third child.
This statement, and the reasons why, have come up a LOT during my pregnancy. More often than I ever thought it possibly could. People have had very strong feelings about it, and that leads me into the first part of this equation, understanding someone's story... This is something that mom culture does very poorly - we don't ask why someone is making this choice, we simply either make a judgement or share an unsolicited opinion. Instead, we need to learn to take the time to actually ask why, and listen to the answer, without providing any input unless asked. Ahhh yes, listening... that thing that's always super hard to do :)
My Story
- I breastfed both of my older children
- Both of my older children had significant lip and tongue ties
- Both of my older children were quite large at birth (9 lbs and 10 lbs, respectively)
- Both of my older children ended up having severe jaundice and had to be re-hospitalized for not only bilirubin treatment, but also dehydration (despite my desperate efforts to feed them constantly)
- My supply, no matter how much I tried, was never enough for either child (yes, I tried the supplements, the bars, the tea, extra pumping sessions... you name it, I tried it!), and they still required supplementing in order to thrive
The long and short of it is that breastfeeding and I were not friends. I hated it. And not just because of the pain and discomfort. But also because I hated that there was no relief, no break, and no one to "take a shift" for me. It was hard and awful and I couldn't wait to be done.
My breaking point with my first child was at a 2 week appointment with the pediatrician where I began bawling when she suggested that perhaps it was time to start regularly supplementing. I felt like a complete failure. I wasn't, but I felt that way. Thank you postpartum hormones... She was so kind about it, and offered some medical information that I had never been aware of - that the "benefits of breastfeeding have been vastly overstated". WHAT?
My breaking point with my first child was at a 2 week appointment with the pediatrician where I began bawling when she suggested that perhaps it was time to start regularly supplementing. I felt like a complete failure. I wasn't, but I felt that way. Thank you postpartum hormones... She was so kind about it, and offered some medical information that I had never been aware of - that the "benefits of breastfeeding have been vastly overstated". WHAT?
I immediately stopped crying. A medical professional was telling me that while, yes, technically breastmilk is "best", many of the benefits that I'd been hanging my hat on weren't even scientifically proven. I won't go much further into this, as I think it's helpful for each person to do their own research, but here is a good study that shows some very interesting statistics, and I can provide more if you reach out to me separately.
So, my journey in trying to feed my babies other than just "naturally" (as so many people liked to call breastfeeding) began. I tried it all, finger feeding tubes, by syringe, by spoon, and by bottle, with donated breast milk, my own milk, and finally, formula. If it was an option, I tried it. And ultimately, with both kiddos, I ended up bottle feeding formula exclusively (1st kid at 6 months, 2nd kid at 3 months).
The Judgement
The Judgement
Even as I type this, I am so tempted to add details to insulate myself from the judgmental comments, ones that I have heard before, and at the time, really hurt. Wanting to add information, like the reason I didn't "stick it out" as long with my second child was because at 11 weeks postpartum, while still on maternity leave, my husband had an emergency hospitalization and then diagnosed with cancer, and my body literally just shut down from the stress and stopped producing milk. You know, a pretty good excuse.
Oh and a million other things I could mention. But the point is, IT SHOULDN'T MATTER. Why I chose to eventually exclusively bottle feed formula shouldn't need to come at the end of a long list of excuses. But in this day and age, judgement of how a mother feeds her child is considered "normal". Mommy boards are mean, even women with close friends or family have very strong opinions on this, and for some reason, they have no problem sharing them, even when not asked (luckily I have not experienced this!).
Oh and a million other things I could mention. But the point is, IT SHOULDN'T MATTER. Why I chose to eventually exclusively bottle feed formula shouldn't need to come at the end of a long list of excuses. But in this day and age, judgement of how a mother feeds her child is considered "normal". Mommy boards are mean, even women with close friends or family have very strong opinions on this, and for some reason, they have no problem sharing them, even when not asked (luckily I have not experienced this!).
In a country that claims that we want to support mothers at all costs (and want the government to change ALL of the things to do this as well), we still won't, as a society, accept a parents (not just mother by the way!) right and intuition about what is best for them and their child in their feeding journey.
We say "do what's best for you", but really we mean "do what's best for you AND breastfeed". We mom shame. We guilt. We have posters in every single hospital room and clinic shouting "BREAST IS BEST". We have hospitals that literally won't provide active support to a mom who isn't breastfeeding unless the baby is deemed medically unable to breastfeed. We have entire websites and countless resources for lactation and breastfeeding, but basically zero for those who are bottle and/or formula feeding. We have social media mom groups that are ONLY for mothers who breastfeed, and in fact, will remove you as a member if they find out that you're not.
Even as an experienced mom, with two older formula-fed children who are happy, healthy and well-adjusted, I still feel a tremendous pang of guilt as I walk through this third pregnancy and have experienced no less than 2-3 questions and negative comments regarding my choice about not breastfeeding at each prenatal appointment, and even more strangely, comments from complete strangers while pregnant and buying formula. Even if you believe what you are doing is right, to fight the constant wave of judgement and opinions can make even the most confident mom start to doubt herself.
We say "do what's best for you", but really we mean "do what's best for you AND breastfeed". We mom shame. We guilt. We have posters in every single hospital room and clinic shouting "BREAST IS BEST". We have hospitals that literally won't provide active support to a mom who isn't breastfeeding unless the baby is deemed medically unable to breastfeed. We have entire websites and countless resources for lactation and breastfeeding, but basically zero for those who are bottle and/or formula feeding. We have social media mom groups that are ONLY for mothers who breastfeed, and in fact, will remove you as a member if they find out that you're not.
Even as an experienced mom, with two older formula-fed children who are happy, healthy and well-adjusted, I still feel a tremendous pang of guilt as I walk through this third pregnancy and have experienced no less than 2-3 questions and negative comments regarding my choice about not breastfeeding at each prenatal appointment, and even more strangely, comments from complete strangers while pregnant and buying formula. Even if you believe what you are doing is right, to fight the constant wave of judgement and opinions can make even the most confident mom start to doubt herself.
When Breast Isn't Best
And what about when breast isn't best? Be it because of baby's needs OR because of mommy's needs.
If you Google formula feeding, you may, POSSIBLY, several pages down, be able to dig up a few articles explaining when feeding formula is best for the baby. But rarely, if at all, will you find those that remind mothers it's okay not to breastfeed if it's best for THEM. It seems, the public is too afraid that this is a slippery slope, that mothers obviously aren't hard enough on themselves as it is and clearly are always looking for the easy way out... Sure, that sounds right. #momguiltculture
If the idea that (most) moms are trying to take the easy way out isn't ludicrous enough as it is (hello, have you SEEN pregnancy, ain't nobody gettin' out of that "easy"!), I cannot tell you how many women I've talked to, hearing their broken dreams of a beautiful nursing and bonding experience, something they really WANTED to do, but just couldn't. It's so clear to me, and hopefully others, that sometimes breastfeeding just doesn't work for everyone. That is not a slippery slope. That is a fact.
Sometimes it's because of our bodies, and sometimes it's because of other, just as important reasons, and there shouldn't be a requirement of new moms to explain why. Especially not at every prenatal appointment that they go to and to every family member and friend who are overly zealous in their promoting of breastfeeding. If a parent is doing their best and are feeding their child well, that is all that should matter. We need to support moms in whatever way we can, and that means putting aside our own opinions and just asking them what THEY need and what THEY think is best.
Back To Me
If you Google formula feeding, you may, POSSIBLY, several pages down, be able to dig up a few articles explaining when feeding formula is best for the baby. But rarely, if at all, will you find those that remind mothers it's okay not to breastfeed if it's best for THEM. It seems, the public is too afraid that this is a slippery slope, that mothers obviously aren't hard enough on themselves as it is and clearly are always looking for the easy way out... Sure, that sounds right. #momguiltculture
If the idea that (most) moms are trying to take the easy way out isn't ludicrous enough as it is (hello, have you SEEN pregnancy, ain't nobody gettin' out of that "easy"!), I cannot tell you how many women I've talked to, hearing their broken dreams of a beautiful nursing and bonding experience, something they really WANTED to do, but just couldn't. It's so clear to me, and hopefully others, that sometimes breastfeeding just doesn't work for everyone. That is not a slippery slope. That is a fact.
Sometimes it's because of our bodies, and sometimes it's because of other, just as important reasons, and there shouldn't be a requirement of new moms to explain why. Especially not at every prenatal appointment that they go to and to every family member and friend who are overly zealous in their promoting of breastfeeding. If a parent is doing their best and are feeding their child well, that is all that should matter. We need to support moms in whatever way we can, and that means putting aside our own opinions and just asking them what THEY need and what THEY think is best.
Back To Me
Our decision about not breastfeeding our third child, even with the horror of the first two experiences still fresh in my memory, was still very hard to make. I felt that I was somehow "cheating" my third baby from the experiences I had with the first two (even though in my mind it was awful).
This decision was sealed, however, when I met with our pediatrician in preparation for the birth of this third babe, and she confirmed that based on the testing they did with both of my first two kiddos, that they had what's called "breastmilk jaundice", and that it's highly likely that our third babe will have as well if I try to breastfeed. This is very rare, and while it certainly isn't fatal, it is definitely not good for baby's health. Essentially, for at least the first few weeks of my baby's lives, breastmilk causes significant issues, and in the case of both of our older children, required additional hospitalization, lots of heartache and procedures.
And while I do plan to try pumping (for after baby is past the jaundice risk point), I know based on how my body has reacted in the past, that it will likely be unsuccessful.
This decision was sealed, however, when I met with our pediatrician in preparation for the birth of this third babe, and she confirmed that based on the testing they did with both of my first two kiddos, that they had what's called "breastmilk jaundice", and that it's highly likely that our third babe will have as well if I try to breastfeed. This is very rare, and while it certainly isn't fatal, it is definitely not good for baby's health. Essentially, for at least the first few weeks of my baby's lives, breastmilk causes significant issues, and in the case of both of our older children, required additional hospitalization, lots of heartache and procedures.
And while I do plan to try pumping (for after baby is past the jaundice risk point), I know based on how my body has reacted in the past, that it will likely be unsuccessful.
On Why This Topic Matters
So I share my story, not because I think breastfeeding is bad, or wrong, or not the "best" option. I don't think any of those things, far from it! It's not because I don't wish I was one of those picture-perfect moms you see blissfully breastfeeding their newborns, I wish I was. It's also not because I believe that formula is always the answer, because it's not....
I share it because no one knows what will work best for them until they are placed in the situation and know all of the factors. And we need to let new moms know that it's going to be okay, because when all you're trying to do is keep your little babe safe and healthy, everything can seem so big and scary. It's going to be okay if they want to breastfeed and want to make the necessary sacrifices to do so, and we need to let them know that we will support them! It's also going to be okay if they formula feed or use donor breastmilk, or any other combination of every single option out there, and we need to let them know that we will support them!
The bottom line is that it's going to be okay, and they just need to do what's best for them and their baby. And that we are there for them no matter what! That's what mom-culture should be about. After all, aren't we all just trying to do the best we can?
So, back to that "controversial" statement: Besides some post-natal bonding time, I will not be breastfeeding my third child.
Does it sound so controversial now? Does it sound like I'm trying to enrage or start mommy-wars on what's best? I hope not... After hearing my story and my reasons, do you, perhaps, have a little understanding for the reasons why I am making the choices I am? I hope so - I hope that this is how we can be towards every mom we encounter when the topic of feeding comes up. I hope that we can learn to listen and not judge, we can hear without needing to always "respond" or provide a counter-argument, that we can be a safe space for other moms and not always trying to "help" them with our good intentions.
So let's encourage the moms around us, let's be honest about our stories, and remind each other that we're just doing the best that we can and it's all going to be okay!
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