re-evaluating is a necessary life skill.
every couple of months and/or years somethin hits me, a mini wake up call (not a super loud alarm clock goin off unexpectedly with an unnecessarily wicked justin timberlake song blaring... more like the panting of a very large and hairy black dog sitting in front of your bed silently, willing you to wake up and play with her). i always wonder, why did it take me so long to see this? why was i caught so unaware?
my most recent revelation and re-evaluation was that i have no real interest in a major part of my life currently: my career.
now you have to understand, i have worked my butt off since i was 14, did everything from office work, to comforting crying patients, to cleaning filthy toilets, and even a little babysitting thrown in (whew, best birth control eva!), i've done everything. one, two even three jobs at a time. why did i work so hard? because i wanted a career. but what did i really want? security. i wanted a life above fear, some solid ground in an unpredictable life.
my high school years were filled with insecurity (uh, hello, nothin new there i guess), a tumultuous time, where i grasped for something, anything, to hang on to. i had so much to look forward to, but unfortunately i had to learn some hard lessons. in a time where all i wanted was to have a little bit of stability, i was surrounded by change and by people coming and going through my life, some who i wanted to leave (and quickly), and some who i wanted desperately to stay. but that's high school right? teaches you real quick who to love, who to leave and who will stick by you to the end.
college started an unprecedented chapter, new beginnings and old friends. more jobs, more work, and more decisions to make. what life road do i take? so many directions to choose from, where do i go, what do i do? never a more difficult time, deciding your future. and then you do. and then it's off to the races, the decision is made, now it's time to get started. i always smile to myself when recent high school grads refer to college as a time to "discover yourself", because while it is true in some ways, you really should know who you are by the time you're like 5, not 20. and add to that the fact that college is the time that you should be stepping it up, not kicking back, well, the most unflattering version of "you" often shows up. and it's not a pretty sight.
i hate the stereotype that women feel like they need a man to be secure. i mean, i don't actually hate it, i understand that everyone wants to feel loved, and that love often makes us feel secure, but i hate the idea that this is what has defined chicks in so many instances. in my case, my security has most often been defined by a career. it has been instilled in me, since the first time i can remember it was not a choice, i was going to go to high school, graduate, go to college, graduate, get an amazing job and do incredible things. make enough money so that i had some security, not too much $$, but just enough so that i wouldn't have to worry. which is really a funny thought when you stop to think about it. who are we to decide when we will have to worry? as if making sure you're "financially secure" will somehow create a barrier of safety, a money moat if you will, from the outside world and the treacherous things that can happen to any of us at any time. it's a lie, really. as if anything worldly can keep you safe. no amount of money, no perfect job, nothing can keep you "safe" other than a God who has already protected us from more than we can possibly understand.
so back to a career. i finished college, and started working, like most of the adult american culture. but recently i realized i have worked my butt off for the past 5 years, trying to "make it" (as if you can really "arrive" in human resources. i mean c'mon, really, human resources? :)). this is a field that requires tact, a constant responsibility for confidentiality and dealing with incredibly unhappy people. sure, there are many amazin things in the HR field, and many parts of my job that i not only love, but also that i totally rock at. but let's be honest, this is probably not the best fit for a loud, rambunctious, and adventurous 20-something.
so what's the deal? oh, well, nothing much i guess. just a realization that for the past 13+ years i have been working toward a goal that i am slowly realizing i don't really believe in. i love my life, i love my husband, i love my dog, my family, my friends, my God, my house, ect etc (NOT my car), i love a lot of things, but i do not love my career. i am darn good at my job, no joke, not to sound cocky, but i am. but i am not satisfied with it, and i doubt i ever will be.
time to get a new job? no way. i will work, and i will work hard. i will continue to excel. but someday i will find something that i am just as good at, and actually enjoy :)
someday baby, someday. time to re-evaluate? yup. but isn't that what life is all about anyway?
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