i have approximately 27 years, 8 months, 15 days and 17 hours (give or take a few minutes) worth of experience in my life. granted, it's not much in comparison to those who have several more generations under their belt, but it's something at least. one of the things that i have noticed in my 27+ years is the drastic differences in our (as individuals) ability to cope with change. it seems that to some people, change is a necessary constant, something that phases them no more than brushing their teeth or shoveling their drive way. change junkies not included, since i think that may actually be some sort of a mental health issue (not sayin, just sayin....) to others, change is terrifying, something to be completely avoided, even to the extent of becoming entirely debilitating.
one of change's most predominant forms is found in relationships. the relationship form of change can range anywhere from the pathetic ex-girlfriend who just won't give up hope years later, to the constant reformation of a relationship with a father suffering from alzheimers. if people are always changing, then so must relationships, even if that means a lack thereof. the thing i find most interesting and challenging is that if your natural coping mechanisms for change, excuse my terminology, suck, it is a very real possibility that you will struggle deeply in your relationships. now, of course that doesn't mean that just because you're great at coping, or even encouraging change, that you will have successful relationships.
here's what i keep tryin to wrap my brain around. if each one of us is constantly changing, so are our relationships, and as relationships make up much of what our lives are constructed of, at what point, if at all, do you decide that the change is too much...? you've grown too far apart, the other person (or yourself) is just too different, or you don't have anything in common any longer. non-christian and christian counselors alike all say that one of the biggest factors in having a successful relationship (fam, friends, spouse, etc) is learning to grow with one another. this has struck me as a really great point, though not because so-called mental professionals have said so, but because it not only points out that we need to run alongside each other throughout our lives, but it also implies that we should be constantly growing (which i believe is much different than just changing).
since poppin out of the womb, nearly 28 years full of a gosh-darn lot of experiences, i've seen a lot of relationships crumble, and i'm tryin real hard to pinpoint this whole change thing, because i think it certainly plays a strategic role. there are a lot of beautiful marriages that i have seen fall apart, not due to any straying, financial struggles or major life event... no, they fell apart one day at a time, one less kiss goodbye, one less weekend away, one less heartfelt conversation. and in it's place? one more hour or two of working late, one more project that just has to get done, one more hobby that fills up the space that person once held. of course this happens in friendships too, but i think i'll tackle that one later... but in marriages it is devastating, lives are uprooted, trust is gone and allegiances are broken.
so why? can all of this be blamed on change? we all change, so it's inevitable that things will have to end at some point, right? i think the non-christian culture will tell you that it is completely normal to grow and change, that at some point, that person who was perfect for you is no longer the ideal mate, and that it's okay to move on. but, clearly the bible does not feel this way (more on this in a later post...) to be honest, i don't really think the blame lies on just one thing, because what good does that do? it will not change the heartbreaking outcome of a relationship ending, especially a divorce. but it does leave us with a very specific example of how to fight the 50% and growing divorce rate in the US (and even higher among christians). never let the one less start. instead of hitting a wall, waking up one morning to realize that you don't really know the person lying next to you, make every day count. grow with each other every day. EVERY. DAY. change may be an excuse, but it certainly is not a reason. the sovereignty of God and His ability to unite two souls for all of their time here on earth is not a maybe... it is a certainty.
so i guess i'm leaving you feeling like i have more questions than answers, but hey, maybe my opinions will change... :)
special note: unhealthy relationships are a totally different matter. a little tiny fey action: that's a dealbreakahhhh! if someone is co-dependent, manipulative, deceptive, abusive, controlling or has a negative effect on the relationship/person, then i would argue that all of the change mumbo-jumbo that i've just spewed out doesn't much apply. there are many relationships out there that ended, and needed to end, because it was not healthy for one or both of the individuals involved. those are the ones that you just gotta cut the cord completely and move on from, nobody wins if you're standing around tryin to salvage it all.
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