Ex's and Oh's

Elevators are the best.  They beat taking the stairs (exercise, yuck!), it's practically a free amusement park ride, and all of the general craziness to be expected when falling from great heights.  We're talkin' juicy phone conversations that are just a lil' too loud, the awkward moment when the elevator door opens unexpectedly and that dude and chick that were just making out (but really don't want you to realize that) immediately step about 5 feet away from one another, really too far to be reasonable, and of course, you can't forget the obligatory smelly person (no harm, no foul ;)).

Entering the elevator I always count how many people there are... why?  Because I swear that there is an elevator elf.

You see how many people are in there when you get on, and you ride all the way to the top, counting how many people get out, and how many should be left (cuz elevator code strictly prohibits turning around and looking at people, even if they utter the incredibly rude statement on the phone to their girlfriend "Yeah, well, remember when you used to be skinny and attractive?"), and then all of the sudden, it's quiet...  It sounds like you are the only one left, but according to your count there should still be one more person in the elevator... but you can't turn around!  Wait, am I crazy?  I didn't miss someone getting out did I, they are still in here aren't they?  I think I can hear breathing...  Wait, why are they so quiet? Oh my gosh, they're here to get me aren't they? C'mon Kelly, you knew this day would come!  You didn't think that you could hide from the crazy-haired lady that you cut off in traffic accidentally when you were 17 and didn't know how to drive for forever did you?  Well apparently you couldn't, because that must be her standing behind you, she must be the only one left, and that is why she is so quiet.  She's come for her revenge.  Her crazy-haired revenge!

Okay, what?

And then you turn, just slightly (always to your left, because you're right handed and need to be able to punch, in self-defense of course, quickly {yeah, that's right crazy-haired-lady, I am ready for you, bring it!}), and see, to your horror, that in fact, there is no one left in the elevator.  No one. But you heard breathing, right?!

Now who's the crazy-haired-lady?  Yup, you know who...

Tthe curse of the elevator elf.  You could swear that there should still be at least one person left in the elevator with you, but they disappear somewhere along the line.  And by the way, it just occurred to me, for the very first time ever, that if I always walked to the back of the elevator so that I could see everyone this would never happen to me again... Wow.  Brilliant.

So anyway.  Elevators. The convos you overhear are the best.  Yesterday I overheard a real doozy/winner.  Two ladies got on at the same time as me, the one, very loudly complaining about her "cray ex."  First things first, I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, cuz let's be honest, if someone were to overhear some of my convos, well, it would not be the best reflection of my true self, but these two particular gems made it almost impossible to hear anything but their near-domestic-dispute-level drama.

A short excerpt:
"My ex don't even know what a ho he has on the side, she ain't even a side-dish, she ain't good enough to be, she just a joke, ya know, real funny, but way too cray to be all up in my business, but he ain't got nothin' on me so I don't care, he's just outta pocket, that fool!  But he my ex so I don't care, it ain't nothing!"  "Oooooooh yeah, girl!  I hear she is _________'s ex, he said she don't know nothing, and she said she's his baby momma, but he don't know fo' sure if that baby is even his, so it could be at least 3 of her babies that ain't his!"

What?  There are so many people mentioned in this 30 second clip, I couldn't even figure out who they were talking about any longer - somebody is a baby daddy, and then a baby momma, but then another couple of ex's thrown in...?  I'm not sure, but what did strike me is the vehemence with which the term "ex" was used in the (much longer than shown above) overheard conversation.

It occurred to be that the term "ex" always seems to have a negative connotation.  Think about it.  You don't call the dog that you had growing up your "ex-dog", you say your previous dog, or your old dog, etc.  I know that the term "Ex" (files, a lil' Scully and Mulder anyone?  Admission: I never actually watched the show, but whatevs) and whether or not it has some crazy negative connotation with it may just have something to do with the type of relationship or thing being discussed, or even your social circle, but I can honestly say that I have never heard it used in a positive way, which says something.  I think...? :)

Anyway, when you use the term ex, ex-boyfriend, ex-coworker, ex-boss, ex-wife, ex-friend, etc, it is almost always followed by the following reaction from any standby-ers: "Oooooooooh"  (usually followed by an annoying "yeaaaaaaaaaaaah", think Office Space's Bill Lumbergh, ugh!)  The all knowing "Oooooh."  What?  When did this become a thing?  As if you know the context and history of any type of interaction or relationship based on the fact that the term "ex" is used?  Hmmm.  IDK.  Until my enlightening elevator moment I had never even thought about it, but it is a good reminder that sometimes our words say more about what we're thinking than we mean them to.  And sometimes we end up telling complete strangers in elevators our entire life history/drama.  And even worse, sometimes we tell other people about the elevator elves that we believe in.

The question is, who is dumber-er...? :)

Good luck to all of the ex's and oh's out there, remember you're not as quiet as you think you are, it's a doozy out on those elevators!

XOXO ;)

safe with me (your secret is)

we all have our secrets, our skeletons in the closet... no one is free from this phenomenon.

some of us feel that ours are more dramatic than others, but i think that it's all relative.  is any secret worse than another?  well, that's not really for me to say, i guess, but what really is pretty terrible is the fearful power that secrets have over us.  why are we afraid of our past actions and thoughts?  why do we allow them to control us?  or the people that know them?

what is a secret, after all?  the dictionary defines a secret as: something that is, or is kept secret, hidden, or concealed.

really a secret is just knowledge.  knowledge of something that we wish was not true (why would we be afraid of something that we are not ashamed of?)  but it is true, so, what's the deal?  why do we allow this fear, fear of something that we cannot change because it is in the past, control what we do in the present and the future?

"secrets, secrets, are no fun, secrets, secrets, hurt someone."  a lil' playground knowledge that hits pretty close to home, but the thing that they don't tell you is that those secrets usually hurt you more than they hurt anyone else.  fear can do funny things to people.

so what's your deep, dark secret?

some of you know my secrets and i know some of yours...  i don't think it needs to be said, but i'll say it anyway - your secret is safe with me.  i know all too well the destruction and utter havoc that a secret can wreak on your soul, and i have no desire to add to your burden and heartache.

i will say this though, that rarely are our secrets as bad as they seem to us... that lie that Satan tells us, that we will be hated if anyone ever finds out, that we are disgusting and we must keep this knowledge hidden away at all costs.  forgiveness cannot be given if truth and transparency are not present.  it's a pretty good trick too, for the devil to have us wrapped around his little finger in constant fear, instead of living as redeemed, peace-filled children of God.

1 John 4:18  "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment..."

a secret is like a wound - if the wound is covered, not exposed to air or not cleaned properly it will fester, an infection will begin and eventually can take over.  however, if the wound is cleaned, and cared for, it will still be painful, but it will heal.  the scar will be a reminder, but it will also give us a chance to share our story and God's victory in our lives with others who have experienced similar pain.

i'm no dummy, i realize that in real life, revealing secrets can be messy and painful, but i can speak from personal experience that it is absolutely worth it.  my hope for you is that you are able to live a life fully in the freedom and peace that Jesus has brought and paid for.  a life without fear...

owned/pwned

one of the best things my father ever taught me was to not be a victim.  he was not referencing an auto accident or kidnapping incident of some sort (though i am fairly certain he would not be pro those things either), he was talking about how we live our lives, how we approach the circumstances that we experience throughout our approximate 75 to 90 years here on earth.

there is this quote that i hate, i'm sure you've heard it, and it was likely uttered by someone in your circle of friends or family, at the exact wrong moment, probably right in the midst of a personal crisis that you were having.  and so you probably hate it too.  here goes:  "Life is 10 percent what happens to you, and 90 percent how you react to it."  and while i grew up with a father who taught me not to be a victim, and i thoroughly agree with that mentality, i absolutely detest that quote because instead of making me feel empowered (like i am pretty sure it's s'posed to), it just makes me feel like a failure.  i'm so bad at life i can't even react the right way! :)

the next totally cliche term that has been thrown around a lot lately is "owning."  no, not pwned, though i have both pwned, and been pwned, so no judgement here ;)  the concept of owning is basically the same thing as not being a victim and the 10/90 quote, it is based on the idea that taking responsibility for the things that you can control (owning them, not blaming them on others) is not only empowering, but very calming as well.  it goes further, to point out that through the process of determining what you genuinely "own" (your weight, your health, your finances, etc) and what you don't "own" (natural disasters, death, etc), you can release a lot of anxiety... choosing to let go of the things that you cannot control, and start actively taking care of all of the things that you can control.  i like this idea because instead of making me feel like a little kid who can't do anythin' right, it makes me feel like "hey, yes, let's do this!"

do i sound like a self-help guru yet?  if you just said no, then good, because i really do have a point.  if you just said yes, then sweet, i'm gonna start sellin' this stuff and get rich! :)

ok, ok, f'reals, what is my point?

i listen to myself.  a lot.  in fact, i don't ever shut up (mentally and/or verbally).  i mean, it's exhausting to be me! :)  i also listen to others quite a bit (which is really incredible considering how much time i spend listening to myself... what a superb multitasker i am!), and we all have something in common.  more often than not, we choose to let the things/people/circumstances, let's just call it "Z", the Z in our lives make us unhappy.  call it whatever you want, being a victim, living 90/10 instead of 10/90, or not "owning things", we allow Z to control us and usually end up incredibly miserable.  we hand over the reigns of our lives so quickly it seems like some of us don't even realize that we ever had them in our grip at all!

so, who owns you?  what owns you?  if answered honestly, these can be pretty scary questions.

the biblical perspective on this i'm still lookin' into, so don't quote self-help guru/pastor kelly on this one quite yet, but i sorta feel like it's basically this:  God is in control.  always. of everything.  but there are also things in our lives that we can control, and it's up to us (with God's help) to figure out what those things are, and when we do, ask for His guidance in gettin'er done.  that whole "i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" thang is pretty darn wise, and i aim to live that way.  not by my strength, but by His.

one last note for my fellow "failure" addicts:  the thing about changing your mentality is that it's impossible to screw up (automatic win!).  the  victory is trying, not in succeeding.  and as corny as it sounds, i really do believe in you.  i mean, heck, if i can do it, anybody can! :)

bad guys

i don't mind being the bad guy if it's for a reason.

most of life is made up of choices.  what to eat, what to wear, when to leave for work, how to handle a friendship, what to plan for the holidays... everything is a choice.

some of our choices are for ourselves, but some are for others. and sometimes that makes you the bad guy. the villain.

my puppy, Luna, is awesome, but if i let her, she will chew on some very dangerous things.  i make a choice for her, one that is in her best interest, keeping her from harm.  i'm sure she doesn't appreciate it, in her mind i am only keepin' her from all of the fun things in this world.  i know the truth, but her puppy brain doesn't realize it.  i'm the bad guy.

sometimes this happens with peps too.  there are moments in our lives in which we have absolute clarity - knowing that if we do not make a choice, someone we care about will not make it for themselves.  this is a sticky situation, i'm not gonna lie.  are we removing the right of each individual to make a decision for themselves?  maybe.  i guess it would depend on what type of decision is being made.  i am speaking mostly from the perspective of loved ones.  we have those in our lives that will continually and systematically make poor decisions, or choices that will only hurt them in the end.  do we have the right to make the decision for them?

i don't really know the answer to this.  i can say that i have made that choice for those that i cared about in the past.  sometimes it's expressing concern, sometimes it's talking through a situation, and sometimes it's removing them from harm, even if that means hurting them, in the short run, but really doing what's best for them in the long run.

the hard part is, if you do that, make a decision that may hurt someone, but ultimately is best for them, rarely will you get a thank you.  you will face resentment, anger, and sometimes even hate.  there's always a chance though, that eventually they will realize that your decision was selfless and for their own good.

since Luna is a dog, she won't ever reach that point of realization... some humans may eventually get it, but if not, that's okay.   i've been the bad guy before, and when i feel that i truly know what's right for someone i'm willing to bite that bullet.

cheers to all of the "bad guys" who have made lives better, it's a tough road to walk.

gentle

i am an oldest.

if you're not an oldest you are thinking one of the following things:
a) so what?
b) i don't care
c) shut it
d) all of the above

if you're an oldest you are thinking one of the following things:

a) no wonder, i thought i recognized that obnoxious, know-it-all, control-freakness for some reason!
b) i don't care
c) shut it
d) all of the above

now, lucky for you, i have no desire to go into birth-order theories tonight, but i will say, that much of my "oldest" qualities do not lie in (or even near) the land of patience and gentleness.  oldests are typically intelligent and aggressive, and unfortunately,  not always much else... :)

ok, ok, not necessarily, but the truth really is that i definitely do not suffer from an inordinately large amount of gentleness.  surprise surprise :)  i won't make excuses, being gentle in mind, body and soul is just not something i am great at.  

the most important thing that i have learned about being gentle has very little to do with action, it has more to do with restraint.  it's a little like forethought (which i rarely have much of :)), but with the added element of trying to understand how your actions/thoughts/words might impact others.  being gentle with their hearts/minds/bodies/souls.  sounds easy, right?  i wish...

the longer that i have lived as a self-proclaimed not-so-nicey, bordering on austere, i have become more and more aware of the incredible importance of gentleness.  you are not gentle for your own sake.  it's time consuming, often silly, and sometimes even nerve-grating, but it is not without purpose.  that purpose?  love.  you exhibit pure and unadulterated love to those that you use gentleness with.  especially those that are not readily aware of your love.

could i utter that biting (and even honest) comment that is being formed under my breath?  yes.  could i pass you in rush hour when you are the one car standing in the way between me and my sweatpants?  yes.  could i smile, nod, and listen even though i already know exactly what you're going to say?  yes.  

being gentle is rarely actually physical.  most often, and most arduous, is the struggle to be gentle with the hearts of others.  you're not gonna feel like it, it's gonna be easier not to be, and i'm betting that most of the time you will feel justified in doing/saying/being exactly how you feel.  but it will not be gentle.  and as hard as it is, to soften your heart, your soul, and your mind, it is incredibly worth it.  because you're not gentle for yourself.  you're gentle for those that you love, and a God that honors this as a spiritual gift.  

i don't have any witty "gentle" comment tonight folks, just the honesty of what being kind and quiet can bring. 

don't underestimate a soft heart.

say what you mean, mean what you say

what're you tryin' to say?

isn't it funny how that saying has actually become somewhat of a comeback or threat in our culture?

how you are seen, who you are, who you want to be, what you want to do... it's always interesting to me to try and understand why people are the way that they are, why they do what they do, and why they say what they say.  you'd think that is mostly psychology and sociology, but i actually do quite a bit of this in my job.

i won't bore you with lots of HR-speak, but i will say that a big part of what i do is determining people's real intentions.  reading in between the lines - what they say and what they actually mean.  i am certainly no mind-reader, but i have learned to fairly accurately cut through the B.S. and figure out what's really going on.  not to say that i can't be fooled, but thinly-veiled comments or "theoretical situations" are not typically gonna get by me.

now i know that many of us live in a Minnesota-nice world (minus our super-aggressive-rush-hour-style driving), and confrontation is pretty much a thirteen/four-letter word, but there is just something about being honest and forthright that just seems right to me. oh, maybe it's because "right" is actually in the word forthright.  hehe :)  but f'reals, why do honesty and being polite seem mutually exclusive?  idk. really.  i struggle with this just as much as the next person, but i still feel the truth of it.

say what you mean and mean what you say, because if you don't, well, what's the point in saying anything at all?  the hope that someone will read into what you really mean?  is that deceptive? manipulative?  just plain unwise?  huh.  don't hide behind the words of others, it doesn't bolster your credibility, but instead appears cowardly.

Matt 5:37  "Simply let your yes be yes and your no, no..."  anything beyond that and it seems like you're just inviting trouble, right?

family - the never ending story

i have mentioned once or twice before how much i love my family.  truly, i am incredibly blessed to be a part of the family that i did not choose, as well as the one that i did, and they are equally amazing. but today i am only going to talk about one half of my family, the family that i chose.

i got a text from a friend yesterday, out of the blue, and she reminded me of how lucky i was to have the in-laws that i do.  that text could not have come at a better time.

the past year has been full of change in the Lindstedt household, mostly the "temporary loss" of family members.  within what seemed liked a few short months, two of the three Lindstedt boys, and the only other Lindstedt girl, left Minnesota for adventures, starting off on the journey that our Creator had set out for them.  one brother to the other side of the world, literally, and one brother and sister to what sometimes feels like the other side of the world, but is really just across the country.

they left empty chairs at the dinner table, unopened birthday and christmas presents sitting on kitchen counter tops and enormous holes in our hearts.  it's been a hard year of transition for those "left behind."

and tomorrow one brother will be coming home from a very long journey for a short time before leaving once again.  i am fairly certain that words cannot describe how incredibly happy i am to see him, but the happiness has been somewhat dampened, though i wasn't entirely sure why.  until i got that text.  the thing is, tomorrow will bring home an amazing brother, but it will also bring with it the reality that Ryn and i have not been living in some alternate universe for the past year, the denial that our brothers and sister have actually gone is starting to wear off... and while we take immense joy in seeing them and celebrating with them when they are able to be home, the sadness that this is the new "normal" is palpable.  i think, no, i know, in the back of my mind, i believed that it was all temporary, that eventually all of the Lindstedt clan would be together once again, that everyone would return from their adventures and we'd be happily reunited.  sounds like a familial-themed fairy tale, huh?

so what did that text do?  it brought me to a place where i can properly grieve the loss of a family dynamic that more than likely will not be returning.  does that mean that the long-lost brothers and sister will never return?  no, certainly not.  does it mean that we can't find beauty and joy in this new normal?  no!  but in order to move forward and embrace this new way of doing life with our family, it is imperative to accept that it is exactly that: life... reality... ignorance may be bliss, but it's certainly not very wise.

and i think it's okay to be sad, to mourn a little bit, feel the pain of having loved ones far away.  those emotions speak to the depth of the relationships shared.

but it is also a wonderful thing to rejoice and share in the excitement of our incredible siblings, and what God has done in and through them over the past year.  one brother has traveled the world and shared God's love with countless people.  one brother and sister have helped start a church, a haven for the lost and a place of community for those who love Him.  and we will soon have our very first nephew!  the next generation of Lindstedts, what an incredible thing to experience, and it brings so much joy to my heart i can barely stand it.

my friend's text was right, i am so very lucky to have the in-laws that i do.  my additional mother, father and brothers, my only sister, and our eagerly anticipated nephew, they all make this life feel like home.  and i don't mind the distance, a little heartbreak is okay, because family is a never-ending story and so much is not yet written, so much is still left to be told...

lead me: alone and enough

another bike ride, another God moment.

here's what you need to understand: i love crazy music when i go for my adventures.  a run, bike ride, etc, i love to have a lil' old school music, usually some n'sync, maybe some brit spears or BB, s'all good.  i want somethin' that gets me motivated and movin.  out of date? yes. fun and jammin? also yes :)

this week, i switched to a new pandora station, a lil' too many slow jams for my trying-so-hard-to-get-back-into-exercising tastes, so i tried to change it.  my phone sucks, it just is what it is. but it never freezes when picking out some sweet tunes, it just doesn't.  but last night, on my super awesome bike ride (rockin' Obbs yo!), my phone totally and completely froze, unable to switch the station, dislike song or pause.  and it froze playing "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real.  nothing wrong with this musssaaaac, but it's not my typical "let's get this bike movin'" music, and i really tried to switch it.  like f'reals.  i stopped my bike, started and re-started good ol' pando, but no luck, kept replaying like it was a remix (thank you 2000's music and the remix versions that i can't help but jam to).

i'm not gonna go on a tangent about how awesome this song is, or how it touched my heart, or even how much i think some of my friends (especially married) needed to hear this, b/c let's be honest, these things only  really bring you to tears when you hear them, exactly when and how you need to hear them... and i don't like to feign the whole "you NEED to hear this, it's amazing" moments and i'm not the "post those lyrics" type of girl.

but.

i am gonna post these lyrics anyway :) cuz i do think they are awesome.  and you just might need to read/hear 'em right now.  and if not?  well, that's okay too, you can just ignore this blog entry... and that's okay too :)

------------

Lead Me lyrics
Songwriters: Matthew Hammitt;Jason Ingram;Christopher James Rohman

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames, I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling, but on the inside

Oh, I can hear her saying

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent, but on the inside

Oh, I can hear them saying

[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sanctus-real-lyrics/lead-me-lyrics.html |]
Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh Father, show me the way
To lead them

Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me 'cause I can't do this alone

time passes and it tells us what we're left with...

we become the things we do.

okay, so at this point in history, third eye blind may be kinda "out", but being on the cutting edge of the music scene has never really been my thing, so you'll hafta forgive my lack of caring...  point is, Stephen Jenkins, you had some gosh-darn-good-points.

if you asked me who i was, honestly, you would get a long list of what-i-loves mixed with what-i-wish-i-was's.  what you would not get, more than likely, is many nouns and adjectives.  and if you were lucky enough to get some of those descriptive words from my mouth, they prolly wouldn't line up with what you think of me.  so what's the point?

we become the things we do.  right?

well, not totally.  we are blessed with a God who is bigger than everything we are, everything we do, and who, without him, we would be destined to become.

but.

i still think we tend to lose track of what's important at times.  we are swept up into the whirlwind of crazy that life can bring... we are pushed, prodded and even jostled (yeah, that's right, i whipped out the J word!) into places or down paths our future-former selves would not have guessed, nor chosen.

what are you willing to give up to become who you want to be?  is sacrifice always for the best? at what point does what you do become who you are?  the countless hours spent in front of a mirror, the tv becoming a constant companion, the blood sweat and tears for an unattainable goal... how do you spend your time?  what do you "do"?

i see so many smiling lips paired with sorrowful eyes.  when is it enough?  losing that weight that always plagued you, changing the things that you've always hated, but the new habits and vices won't go away.  putting on a fresh new face won't hide the pain that stays in your heart.

i think sometimes change comes slowly, one small thing at a time, and before we know it, we are more different than we ever expected.  but what about when you can see that change in others, much more quickly than they can, and you can do nothing to stop it?  a mouth without a voice, what's the use in that?

so what's the point?  should you live a life in fear of change?  no.  change is normal, healthy, and for the most part, positive.  i'm just sayin' that it is incredibly important that if you do desire change in yourself, that it is for the right reasons.  because you may get your wish, you might become who you wanted to be... but at what cost?  and remember, you are very loved just the way that you are...

more than a village...

yeah yeah, i know, "it takes a village to raise a child."  but i don't have kids (insert my father's moaning and groaning for grandchildren ASAP here), so i'm more focused on the whole "first comes the love, then comes the marriage" section of the equation, and not the whole "then comes the baby in the baby carriage" part quite yet.

i had the immense privilege to be a matron of honor in my best friend's wedding this weekend.  the pastor and others brought up the very important point that those involved in this wedding now have the honor and the responsibility to come alongside this couple, to support and encourage them in their marriage.  i've felt that way for a long time now, but it was a good reminder to me, and a bit of a kick in the pants to be better at supporting and protecting the marriages surrounding me.

but why are we tasked with that?  because the world does not honor or protect marriage.

no, i won't be ranting about the porn industry, the lack of integrity within many social circles or even work-husbands and work-wives.  i will even refrain from tangent-ing on the sad fact that marriage has become simply a slip of paper to much of our country. those things are only symptoms.

what i am talking about is the single most debilitating thing that i think can happen to a married couple - the belief that they can (and should) make it on their own.

now, please hear me, i am not talkin' about unhealthy, co-dependency issues, Sister Wives situations, or anything like that.  i just mean that if we think that raising a child, really a max of 18 years (gold digger lyrics baby, profound words of wisdom, Kanye) takes a whole village, how about the immense complexity of keeping two independent, often stubborn, and broken adults together, hopefully for a lifetime?  that sounds like a pretty big job to me. can you do it alone?  can you keep your marriage intact, healthy, loving, nurtured and growing, all on your own? i honestly don't think so.

it doesn't take a village, a town, or even a city.  i think it takes everyone.  i haven't added God into this whole equation because i feel like that's a given.  He is the source, He is the love, the glue that holds a marriage together.  'nough said.

hopefully my preachy-hat isn't on, cuz that's not where my heart is at.  i am passionately in love with my husband, and our marriage will last a lifetime, but i am also fully aware that we need the support, encouragement and protection of those who surround us.

so, are we as married peps (the couple) absolved of all responsibility?  it's up to those surrounding us to make sure that we make it, right?  uh, no.  husbands and wives, we need to protect ourselves and each other.  i've seen amazing marriages crumble.  but that doesn't happen in a day, a week, or a month.  it's just a little crack at a time, and before you know it there's a whole section of your foundation falling apart.  and by that time it seems like people stop caring.  the pain is too deep, the wound too big, the desire to fix what is broken no longer outweighs the hurt felt.  when you find those cracks don't just slap some cement in there and move on, hoping that it takes care of the problem.  instead, carefully tend to each crack, protecting your marriage like it is the most amazing treasure that you possess, that your spouse is worthy of the utmost care and respect.  there is no perfect marriage because there are no perfect people, but the beauty of a treasured marriage is practically breathtaking.

a big thanks to our "village" - we appreciate you every single day.

gone, catharsis brought to you by ben folds

sometimes i sit down to write and i am spectacularly inspired; passionate, excited, ready to take on the world with words!  

today is not one of those days.  

and usually, on days of this particular uninspired variety, i do not write.  but here i am writing.  so then i ask you, why write if there is nothing to write about?  and you say, because sometimes writing can be cathartic.  except that you wouldn't say that word prolly, cuz not many people use that term, but it is one of my very favorite words (thanks to Mr. Obler's 10th grade english class, Hastings High School represent!), so i am inserting it into your imaginary vocabulary.  i hope you're not offended.  and then i say, why yes, in fact you are correct, it is cathartic, and sometimes you need to do something just for the sake of doing it.  and you agree.  because in my mind you always agree with me :)

according to Dictionary.com:

Catharsis - The purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through 

certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.

i have a lot of outlets for emotions in my life, i s'pose in this day and age everyone does, but writing is definitely one of the most productive ones.  like i said, some days are just not writing days.  i have nothing to say, not because life is easy or superb, but because what i have to say isn't uplifting or helpful, it's like blank space, what's the point if it doesn't do anything for anyone else?   i have a journal for all of that boring crap :)  

t'day isn't a writing day, except for pointing out the importance of catharsis.  the joy of a total mind dump, release of emotions, not to be picked back up again, simply dropped off... freedom for over-burdened and exhausted shoulders can be such a blessing and relief.  i don't know what works for you, but some Ben Folds on Pandora, maybe a lil' chocolate and a good glass of some sort of beverage (maybe even of the adult variety), winter-time fire-place couch-curling, or summer-time back-yard loungin'... those are my intense catharsis times.  so why am i babbling on and on about purging and release?

because i think sometimes the importance of a little emotional freedom is overlooked.  yes, we take vacations, stay-cations, days off, mental vacations, "sick days", etc.  but it seems that we take very little care of what can easily become a distressed heart and soul.  i don't know what you need to "catharsis-out" (and what from now on shall be called "cath-out"), but make sure that you do know, and that you take that time for yourself.  cuz i want you to be healthy and happy.  and you say, aww, thanks!  and i say, no problem friend :)

cath out yo, cath out.

hey, i just met you, and this is crazy..

in many ways i am cra-y. f'real.  though i'm pretty sure if you know me, you're not too surprised by this statement :)  one of my big probs is that i have pretty much a one-track mind.  i get my mind set on somethin' and nothing/no one is gonna stop me.  why?  i have no idea...?  but the point is, i think that one of the biggest blessings God gives me is a massive interruption to my one-track-mindedness.  it's like a horse with blinders, i just don't see some of the stuff i really need to.

for example, grocery shopping.  i love food.  i love finding fun new foods.  i love cooking and trying out new recipes.  but put me in a grocery store and for some reason a switch goes off in my mind and i am on a mission - get in, get food, get out, STAT!  why?  i'm not sure.  but regardless, i really miss out on the journey, all of the fun experiences along the way.  what a waste!  and not a great way to live life either.  the good thing is, God usually finds a way to challenge me on that.

last night Ryn and i went to pick up my car from the shop (oh yes, automotive troubles seem to follow us wherever we go, oh joy!), but unfortunately, our nice, but none-too-thorough mechanic had forgotten to actually do the full 50 point inspection that we had paid for.  now, you have to know that we have been insanely busy the past few weeks.  i mean, we're talkin' 'bout the kelly-hasn't-even-gotten-a-chance-to-go-tanning-in-quite-some-time level, and again, if you know me at all, you know my vitamin D addiction has near obsessive tendencies.  point is, we've been busy yo.  and yesterday, our one goal was to have a "night off."  no chores, no craziness, just relaxation and goin' to bed E-A-R-L-Y.   well, Mr. Helpful Mechanic Man, you have just turned our one tiny little jaunt over to IGH into a nearly two hour ordeal.  so, what to do with our waiting time?  Ryn decided to be productive, so i dropped him off to do a few errands, and i ran around to do a few of my own.  

i got done at Targ-et boutique and had a few more minutes to kill, so i landed at a little shop in a strip mall.  i walked in and was immediately greeted by a friendly man who seemed to own the shop.  we started to chat, and in the course of our conversation he brought up that he was a muslim and had a very strong faith.  he asked me if i had a faith and i said yes... i won't try and outline the whole conversation because i think it's one of those things that would bore others to tears, but really meant a lot to me.  however i will say this, he was clearly very passionate about his faith, even to the extent of offering me a pamphlet on his beliefs before i left his store.  i respectfully accepted the pamphlet, and was actually even honored by it, because even though my beliefs do not land in that realm, i was totally blessed by the entire encounter, and the passion that he displayed.  how could i not show him the same amount of respect he had shown me?  how could i not honor the fact that while our beliefs differ, my God has called me to love everyone, and that love entails patience, kindness and more than a tiny bit of grace.

what was my one goal when i left the house last night?  get to the shop, get my car, get home and relax.  not only did God interrupt my well-laid plans, but He inserted himself both prominently and beautifully in my evening, while simultaneously reminding me of the point of life... and lemme tell you, it's not to get your vehicle and go home to lay on the couch and watch Dawson's Creek (which is much to my dismay on certain days :)).

alright.  long story for a short point, but here it is.  one-track minds are not necessarily bad, but the reality is that the blinders they may cause can be not so great.  a big thanks to a Lord that doesn't let us live in our own little bubbles, but gracefully and gently brings us into the circumstances He has created us for.

#blessed

leavin' on a jet plane

sometimes i still miss bozeman so much it hurts.

pretty much any time i hear bluegrass, hear the word montana or see someone with an odd t-shirt paired with hiking books and other too-athletic-to-be-street-wear-but-just-normal-enough-to-be-considered-"outdoorsy" items of clothing, i get extremely sad.  is it nostalgia?  is it that maybe we weren't supposed to leave when we did?  is it because we are supposed to go back someday?

i'm not sure.

one thing i do know.  bozeman, past and present, and me, past and present, is not what or who it or i used to be. i think that's something crucial, but it sounds so simple.  what we long for, yearn for, when that thing or place is in the past, is really just a perceived reality.

being back in mt ana for the wedding was awesome, seriously such a blessing to be able to celebrate with two amazing people.  but it was so bittersweet.  to remember all of the amazing things that i experienced there, to see all of the places and faces that i love, to be completely and utterly at peace.  how is it that one place can hold such a large place in your heart, especially when my time there was so short in the grand scheme of things?  for goodness sake, it's been 6 years since we came back!

shoot, where did those rose-colored glasses go? oh right, they're on my face... ahhh, perceived reality, with just a touch of hindsight.

the harsh truth is that when you've put down roots and committed to a community it's no longer about you.  a house/mortgage, family, friends, church, dog, multiple vehicles, work, etc.  some people see these things as things that tie you down, but quite a few of them are what actually set you free (the people, not the things).

i know it's really hip right now to be a nomad, a gypsy if you will, but i don't really know how i feel about that.  i mean, how much can you really pour into others if you're constantly on the move?  without your family and friends, well, really, what are you?  now don't get all up in arms, i'm not suggesting that we are absolutely nothing without the people we love, but, that's also not too far off...  yes, you can move, yes, you can re-start, create a new life (i've done it many, many times), and there is nothing wrong with that.  but it's a big step, and should only be done for the right reasons (and really big ones too, at least at this point in our lives).  how opinionated of you Kelly, how do you really feel? :)

i see too many people at this stage in life that take their community for granted - specifically, in the respect of leaving.  yes, i realize that we're still young, most of us not yet parents, many of us that can fairly freely move about the U.S. from place to place without too much hassle.  is there anything intrinsically wrong with that?  nope.  but what i do have a problem with is the lack of understanding, and sometimes responsibility, shown by some of these youngsta's.  if you've planted yourself somewhere, poured into those around you, and then you decide to leave based on your own feelings and emotions, without considering the impact on others (who likely have also spent a considerable amount of time pouring into and loving you), you are being just a little selfish.  it seems a bit un-real to me that so many christians preach community up the wazoo, and yet they will leave one so quickly, off to start a new one someplace new.  isn't the point of community to have someone who will love, uplift, challenge and stand by you as the year go by?  it goes both ways then, if you commit to a community, you don't just get to up and leave.  i mean, really, you do, you can technically do whatever you want, but i'm just sayin' somethin' like that just doesn't sit right with me.  it's like they don't preemptively consider the hole that they will leave, the impact their exit might have.

a little raw?  yeah, i know.  but i really am trying to process this from a past-leaver position, things that i wish someone would have said to me.  i would not have taken my decisions so lightly.

i am always sharing a strong feelin' on something or another, but this time i am trying to temper my passionate opinion with my personal reality in this situation.  i love bzmn so much, so very very much, and miss it, and everything it symbolizes more than i could ever possibly describe.  but in this instance, it is not a reason to leave the community that we have built, the friends and family that we cherish deeply.  maybe someday God will call us back there, but it will be for His glory then, and not due to our own wavering and unpredictable hearts, as they can often deceive us.

so, much to the chagrin of my bo-zone peps, we will continue to reside in the twin cities... to the joy of all our mn peps, we love you and are committed to you, and are not leaving :)

riding off into the sunset (on your high horse)

sometimes it's crazy how little patience and understanding i have for others.  assuming the best?  what's that? 

one of my favorite things is when God allows me to fall off of my high horse just hard enough to get a fresh perspective of someone, and how incredibly wrong my opinions/viewpoints/perceptions can be.  offbeat?  more like offbase :)

and where exactly did i buy my proverbial extra high horse?  when did i obtain that super large pedestal that i  so strongly feel needs me to stand upon it and shout my opinions from?

idk, but i'll tell you what, i definitely know when God gives me a much-needed reality check.

thanks goodness that we are all wrong more than once in a while, cuz if we weren't, well, Lord knows we would have pretty big heads :)

what's that?  i'm sorry, i couldn't hear you over my own beliefs... ;)

someone i swear i'll never be

10 year high school reunion eh?  sheesh, i am O-L-D!

approaching my 29th birthday (in exactly 20 days), i keep thinking that eventually life slows down... right?  hmmm, if present circumstances and previous experience are any indicator, that assumption is entirely incorrect.

but back to the reunion and 10 years ago, when i was 18, young and stupid.  i will say this, the Hastings class of 2002 hasn't changed much overall - you still have the stereotypical clicks (geeks, choir kids (gleeks by today's standards, jocks, and so on), and each click was well represented, which i thought was pretty awesome.  this was not one of those reunions where only a select few show up, and they all pre-planned it.  it was tons of fun to see so many old friends and how much everyone had grown up.  unfortunately, there was still a bit of residual high-school-ism left in the crowd (i.e. one girl ,who was deemed popular back in the day, refusing to talk to one not-so-popular girl {yes, i did insert myself in that one, it was just too painful to not say something}, someone smoking weed on the bus ride back {c'mon we're almost 30!}, etc.), and that made me a little sad.

and that part really got me thinking - people who haven't really moved on, from high school, college, a girlfriend/boyfriend, whatever.  it makes my heart hurt a little to see that some people seemingly have not been able to move forward.  i had a very good friend in high school and college who used to call me out on this all of the time - move on, stop being so "high school", don't dwell on things...  it's true, we should all move on, but it appears not everyone has...

sadly, i think there are more than a few people out there that cannot move on.  dwelling on their past has become the drug with which they use to deal with their present and/or future.

no one's "present" is perfect, but lemme tell you, your past is a myriad of distorted memories and rose-colored glasses, and cannot be totally trusted.  i caught myself on this one recently :)  Ryn and i will have known each other for 10 years in September, and i am super psyched to celebrate such a fun landmark with him!!  since i've been thinking about our history together, i started to recount our story, how we met, how we started dating, etc.  to jog my memory a bit i pulled out some old journals and was absolutely shocked at what i found - quite a few of my memories were totally inaccurate compared to what i wrote about all of those years ago.  i'm only 28 and my memory has already started to fail me!

perfect example: at one point i started to count up all of the boys i had dated (i was always so proud that i didn't start dating until 17 and have been with Ryn since i was 20-21, so, how many boys could possibly fit in that short period of time?), and i was mortified at how high the number was.  what?!?  how is that even possible?  i don't remember dating so many boys!  but it's the truth and such a great reminder of how much our minds can change history a bit, remember what we want it to, maybe forget a little bit of the things we wish didn't happen...  but really i think sometimes that's a good thing - how could we possibly survive a life of remembering every little thing we've ever done, good and bad?  oh i am sure there are those out there who have a memory like that, but luckily, i am not blessed with that "curse" :)  i mean, how terrible would it be to remember your birth?  YUCK! ;)

okay, now i have totally drifted off into nonsensical speak, mainly rambling, but i really did have a point.  the person i was 10 years ago is not the person that i am today.  the crazy girl that i was 5 years ago is not even close to the woman that you will meet today.  the kelly of yesterday is pretty close to the kelly of today, but even that is changing.  what i am thinking is that - since we are all changing constantly (and hopefully) growing as a person - how can i possibly make a judgement about what some of these people from high school have become?  really i have no idea and how prideful of me to think i could determine that!  now yes, i admit, there are some people in life that have time and time again shown their true character (which is not so great), but i would venture to say that those are few and far between.

phew, one loooooooooong post, eh?  alright, so here's the short version:  your memory will fail you, add to that  the fact that we're all changing constantly, i say stick with how someone's character speaks about them, and go with that.  and if you still can't tell? well, then maybe just let it go...

 it's okay to leave some people where they belong - in your happy, rose-colored past :)

if you could only see... (love is blind)

on my run today i realized something: how crazy it is that people ask me how i am dealing with Ryn's eye condition.   don't get me wrong (i feel like i have to say this a lot, which really just proves that maybe i should start re-wording things instead of having to constantly explain them... efficient? nah, i'm good), i so so SO appreciate people asking me, it definitely blesses me each time, but i am always at a loss for how to respond.

how am i dealing with it?  uh, idk?  i'm dealing with it the same way i deal with having to go get groceries or a dirty house, it's just life.  Ryn's "illness" does not define him, it is just a small part of our life now, it doesn't dictate who we are and how we live life.  yes, it affects us, but so does a lot of stuff in life.  that's just the way it goes.  i think it's funny how people always forget that whole "in sickness" part, they seem to assume that the "in health" part is just a given.

my husband is brave.  he is an incredible leader, in every possible way.  he has faced this, like so many obstacles in his life, with wisdom and grace, and i cannot describe how incredibly lucky i am to have married such a wonderful man.  we have been so blessed  by God in many areas of our lives, how could we lose focus of that in the face of a few setbacks?

if you're married long enough, you get the privilege of experiencing some mountains in life together.  pretty much anyone who is married around the age of 40 or older will likely go through at least one major illness of one or both spouses (and likely, eventually death), and the chances of those illnesses being life-threatening are ever increased as we get older.  and us?  this is not even close to being life-threatening, simply life-adjusting, and for that we both feel incredibly blessed.

and what does it matter if it's now or in 20 years?  my oh-so-sweet co-worker said to me "you guys shouldn't have to experience this so early on in marriage" and i said, "why?"  i don't subscribe to the belief that you get to live in a protected bubble until you've been married for at least 10 years.  that's just silly.  and what drives you closer than fighting a common enemy?  not much, i'll tell you that :)

so going for a run brings me clarity on things, which i love, and like i said, i am so very blessed when people ask.  but here's the answer in 20 seconds or less:  my husband is brave.  i am passionate about fighting this with him - i am blessed to be his companion for life and whatever that might bring.  God is an amazing healer and He will prevail, either in this life, or in the next - we will continue to live in His grace, just like with anything else in life.

love isn't blind, it just chooses to look a little deeper.

memories of dreams and dreams of memories

sometimes memories can kick you right in the guts.

i don't really know what it is, but something our subconscious mind, that odd little place in our psyche, hides truth from us.  and when we figure our way out of the maze of crazy, and realize the truth, something we hid from ourselves, or maybe tried to protect ourselves from, well, it's not a pretty sight.

have i been watchin' too many conspiracy theory movies?  i don't even think that's possible for me :)  gimme more baby!

but really.  i remembered something long-forgotten recently that hit me hard.  it's like, when you were four years old and thought your grandparents were angelic and perfect, right?  and then when you grow up and find out that they were just real people, with faults just like the rest of us... you weren't really upset, but it did turn your world a little upside down for a little bit.  i guess that's a good explanation for it.  at least for me.

i admit, i am an adjuster.  put me in a situation and i will adjust.  i will not fight the restrictions, i will not push for change, i will not cry and mope, or get depressed, i will simply adjust.  sometimes that's awesome, but other times it's not a super great trait.  regardless, due to my adjuster personality, i often forget that things used to be different, be it good or bad.

so when i remember something that makes me a little sad, man, i really wanna bury it.  i wanna pretend that i never remembered it.  sometimes the forgetfulness, that "maze of crazy" is not good, because it distorts reality, what really happened, who people are and why.

memories don't always serve us well.  what's that stat on eyewitnesses?  crazy-high amounts of eyewitness accounts are actually incorrect... sounds like "can't always believe what you see" has never been truer, eh?  but, what i am really gettin' at is the idea that remembering who someone or something used to be does both you and them/it a dis-service.  it all changes - things, people, places.  everything.

so what's my point?  i guess i don't know for sure.  what it comes down to for me, is that you should hold dearly to the memories that you love, but never forget that they're not the only memories that you have.  and, maybe more importantly, the memories that you have of those you've loved, well, they don't define who those people are now.  we all change.  sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not so much.

would someone from your past think well of you?  idk, i just hope that if i met you again tomorrow that you'd be happy with who i turned into.  that's all you can hope for, right? :)

the grass is always greener

what should be and never was.  right?

there is just something about the human soul that strives for more.  we just need so much.  it's like watching my 3 year old godson playing.  it doesn't matter which toy he has, the one that i pick up is always better.  and of course, he wants it.  immediately!  except we're all adults and you'd think we'd understand life a little better at this point.  right.

last week as i sat in traffic, waiting for what seemed like forever for a clearly inexperienced bus driver to merge into my lane, right in front of me even though there were plenty of other places for him to merge behind me, i found myself staring at the jeep sitting beside me.  jeeps are my current lust.  i own a 2000 'rolla (rollin' in da 'rolla!  suga please!), that currently has a muffler attached by a few treacherously thin and rusted coat hangers, unable to hit 60 in under 60 (minutes, not seconds), and has lord knows how much bird poop on it (that is not typical, but i had to let it sit outside one night and apparently the neighborhood birds decided that this was their chance to exact their revenge upon me for our bird feeder being empty for an entire week.  sorry lil' guys).  needless to say, when most people look at my car they are not green with envy.  though they may turn green when they're riding in it, from being seasick.

anyway, back to the point.  jeeps.  i know exactly what i want.  jeep grande cherokee, 2001 to 2004, black or silver exterior, gray, black or tan interior, heated leather seats and a bangin' sound system.  and big enough to haul two newfies and our future children!  specific? yes.  so of course the jeep sittin' next to me was what looked like a 2009, jeep grande cherokee, black and beautiful.  and i wanted it.  immediately!  the thing is, when that bus finally got it's big ol' pah-tooty out of my way and i was free at last, speeding forward in joy, even if it was only for about 20 feet (if you don't commute during rush hour you will never understand this, so don't judge me), that big black and beautiful jeep next to me stalled out.  poor guy had to sit there for 'bout 15 seconds to get'er started again, and lemme tell you, 15 seconds in traffic is a looooooooooong time.  all i could think of is that while what i saw was a luscious jeep that was everything i wanted and more, i had absolutely no idea what was going on the inside, what the guts were like.  and really who knows, maybe that car had never stalled before and will never stall again, but it was enough to remind me that what we think we want, is not always any better than what we already have.  side note: that dude driving the jeep was def happily picking away at his nose while sitting there waiting for traffic and seemed pretty content to me, just fyi.

the old christian saying, something like: without God it's like you have a hole in your heart, and you try to fill it with everything, but nothing will make you feel whole, unless it's Him, is pretty darn true.  i want that jeep, but i know it won't make me happy.  and i know that there are lots of things in this world that seem pretty awesome, and sure, in theory i would love to "have it all".

it seems to me that some people are "only" people.  if i only had this house, if i only had that boyfriend, if  only i had that job, if only i could weigh that much, if i only could make that much money, if only i had married that girl when i had the chance, if only i could be smarter, if only i would have done better in school, if only i wouldn't have given up so soon... desires.  we think that would have been so much better if we would have done something differently, or not done something at all.  or maybe we think it's just not something that we could attain or be, even if we tried.  there's just no winning, right?  you can't change the past, and with this frame of mind, you can't change the future either.

if that's your perspective then you will have a very hard time being happy.  you're looking for something outside/inside of yourself to bring you to this perfect place, zen or something like that, as if even if you got to that "place" of happiness, that you'd be able to maintain that for the rest of time, unaffected by the storms of life.

so here i go, back to where i started.  we just need so much. but we don't do we?  is it hard to remember that some days?  when you see that jeep and start to daydream about all of the mountains you could climb and all of the puddles you could splash through, yeah, it can be hard to remember.  but when you stop for a second, just think, there is only one thing that fulfills us.  one thing.  and it's not greener grass :)

the un-forgiven

yes, it's true, as much as it really shouldn't be as a christian, i have experienced unforgiveness.  both as a lack-of-giver and as a receiver.

it's so interesting, this idea of unforgiveness.  i've heard a lot recently, especially in my professional field, of those who have chosen to not let go - and all i can think of, every time i hear it, is how much that makes you a slave to another person...

but regardless, it make me ponder the importance of our words and actions.

for example. i have been on the receiving end of words or actions (and sometimes both), that i have determined are the end of a relationship.  it's true, we are all different in what we decide as being the final straw, but there does become a point when enough is enough, we don't feel that we can take any more.

i have ended romantic relationships and friendships because i feel that what someone has said or done cannot be remidied, but they thought could be... interesting, right?  we've all done things that we regret, but in addition to that, we've all done things that (most of the time after the fact), we think can be taken back, right?  that an apology can fix.  true?  i think so.  not always, but it seems like it, even if it's only from our own perspective.  but from the other person's perspective, it can't be rectified.

there have been times when i've felt that, in fact, there is nothing that person can do to "make it better."  they have hurt me too much or for too long.  for the most part, i think that can be human nature, we can only handle so much.  but i also think it's a healthy balance between what we are capable of forgetting about and what God will give us the grace to forgive.  but just because we forgive does not mean that a relationship, in any form, is healthy to move forward in.  like i said, i have ended relationships based on this.

emotions run high, and often times, tempers do as well.  you may say or do something in the heat of the moment (which you may or may not truly mean) that you feel you can just apologize for in the future, that you think for whatever reason will not deeply affect the other person (or effectively gets your point across during a moment of passionate argument), but the other person sees only as hurtful.  history and context mean a lot in these circumstances.  as they probably should.  did i accept their apology for their actions or words?  yes.  did it, ultimately, show their character/beliefs and therefore change my perspective of them?  sometimes, yes.  unfortunately it is very possible that you can do something that you think can be taken back (or fixed), in the future, but the other person does not feel the same way.  for them, it's too late...

so we've prolly all been the un-forgiven, and we've prolly all been the un-forgiver at times.  and i know for all intents and purposes, that truly, we should forgive everyone.  those who we do not forgive only have a chain on our hearts, in a way that can only be released with forgiveness.  we cannot be free without forgiving, and i mean the true kind of forgiving, not just the "ok, ok, i'm tired of this bugging me, so i'll just tell you that you're forgiven" or the always popular, "i'll forgive you in my mind, but not actually tell you because i don't want to have to talk to you about this cuz that would be too awkward or painful."

do we have to like it?  nope.  do we have to do it? yup.

that said, i really do believe that it's okay to forgive someone, but still feel as though you need to end the relationship.  there is a season for everything, and while a specific situation or hurt should not be the defining reason for ending a relationship, sometimes it's just healthier for both individuals to move on.  now i don't have exact spiritual verbiage on this one, and it might just be an informed opinion, so take it with a grain of salt, but sometimes i just think it's okay to say that it's time to let go.  could i be wrong?  certainly.  have i asked too many self-answered questions in this post?  absolutely :)

i guess what it comes down to is this:  it's okay to say "goodbye", as long as you're uttered the words "i forgive you" (and meant it) beforehand.  (insert the words "i reserve the right to be wrong" here) :)

you were the one worth leaving...?

the district sleeps alone tonight?  or maybe not.

we've all been through it. friends who date and then break up.  unfortunately it's a fact of life.  there is nothing, as friends, that we can (and most of the time, should) do, but it still sucks.

now i don't mean to get overly sentimental here, cuz i get that breaking up is both "hard to do" and also a part of life, but truly, it is, at least at this point in life, difficult to adjust to as a friend.

i remember high school, and it was pretty much a never-ending hook-up then break-up cycle (and sometimes somewhere in between for extended periods of time).  it is what it is.  i'm neither defending or accepting the cycle, just pointing it out.

but once you get out of high school (and in some cases, college...), you realize (hopefully), that this is not the way to live life.  it's not a super great life strategy - to date someone, dump them, immediately move on to the next person, date them, dump them, so on and so on... i admit, i look back on my dating history slightly embarrassed, even though i didn't have a boyfriend until 17, i'm fully aware that i dated far too many people for my own liking, and certainly there were a few in there i wish i could erase from memory :)  history - nothing you can do about it, just move on, right?  yup.

anyway, back to the point.  i get that breaking up is a part of life, but what i refuse to agree with is that there is not a "right" way to do it. breakups bring out the worst in people, no doubt.  but, that doesn't give you a free pass.  and what comes out in those times really reaffirms your character (or lack thereof).  can there ever be a "clean break"?  maybe not, but i firmly believe that break-ups can be handled with integrity, honesty and respect for both individuals involved.  anything less than that, even if you are hurt/angry/upset/over it, you are not really doing the other person justice.  i mean, isn't this the person that you dedicated the past however-long-amount-of-time to?  you must have thought pretty highly of them at one point right?  and even if you don't now, it doesn't mean that you should treat them that way.  i just don't get this idea that people can just be discarded, thrown away like an old towel.  ugh, it just gets under my skin :(

so i've heard about a lot of friendships ending because of friends and/or friends of friends breaking up, and i never really got it.  i mean, it's not me breaking up, so why should i care?  if i love both people involved and they don't make me choose sides, why does it matter to me?  sure, it sucks that they broke up, but i want them both to be happy so as long as they are moving forward that's good, right?  later on in life i've found though, that is not always the case, unfortunately.  sometimes, as a friend, you see a side of someone during a break-up that you can't un-see, as much as you would like to.

this isn't an unforgiveness thing.  really, i mean, when you're just a friend, like i said before, for all intents and purposes you are unaffected by a breakup.  sucks, yes.  affects you, not really.  but there are sometimes when the way that those friends act that drives you to picking.  i'm not sayin it's right, or fair, but there are certain instances where it just feels like you have to follow one friend.  right?  maybe not?  i'm not sure, but when i look back over the last several years i feel like it's happened to me, the picking part that is.  maybe i'm alone in this situation... idk.   it's a hard place to be in, and i wouldn't wish it on anyone, but maybe i'm not alone in the "one worth leaving" dilemma.

maybe i will call this the friend follower syndrome... thoughts?  like i said, there's really no definite answer here, just some sadness that not everyone realizes that the way that they handle their personal lives really can affect their friendships as well.  i guess all that we can do is love and support, and hope for the best, eh?

potty mouth girl(s)

it's a poopy world out there... literally.

if you've got a weak stomach or don't care much for potty talk, then stop reading now.  f'reals.  you will def not appreciate the following bathroom logistical speak.  k?  alright, you've been officially warned.

so, it's no secret that i work at a certain downtown location that has a lot of citizen visitors (and many who have had tiny run-ins with el lawo), and i'll be honest, some days it's not a pretty sight.  i know there are lots of chicks who have a problem with PBs (public bathrooms).  i'm not one of them, but i get it, i really do, it's gross, no doubt.  lotsa germs, lotsa junk on the floor and lotsa crap (hehe).  but most of these womens do not have to use PBs often, and certainly not on a daily basis.  i am one of those lucky few who do...  but i am also, however, one of the blessed ladies who has co-workers that try their best to make do with a bathroom shared by lotsa other women who don't give a gosh-darn what goes down in there (literally, really, and how many faux-puns can i come up with in one post?)...  so we've got our lotions, our soaps, our coping mechanisms, and most importantly, our air freshener sprays (personally purchased with our own money, not tax-payers i might add).  get where i'm goin here?  

well, you've been sufficiently warned, so i don't feel bad 'bout what i'm gonna delve into next yo.

there is this chick, not just one of course, but a type of chick.  she's that girl who doesn't wanna admit that girls poo.  i know, i know, shocking!  girls do hafta do that too, ya know, as unfortunate as it is.

now, i admit, i have some pretty legit potty humor in me, and honestly, think it can be pretty funny sometimes (thank you Bridesmaids, i nearly pee my pants laughing every time i watch it!).  but what's not funny is "this chick."  i know, you're embarrassed that you performed a #2 in a semi-public setting... this is not your home bathroom, or one you're used to, BUT for the love of all that is good, PLEASE, USE THE AIR FRESHENER!!  you walk out, i walk in, please know that there is no doubt in my mind who left that rank smell!

the jig is up girl, please do not try and act like it wasn't you!  no one cares, it's a human function, we all do it, but do not try to walk flippantly out of the bathroom without spraying... it's just unfair to all of us who come after you... (literally).

yes, i know this is a gross topic, but it's a real issue! laugh laugh laugh, gag gag gag... some of us have to experience this all of the time and it stinks (hehehe).  there is nothing worse (ok, lots of ('s in this post, but it's true, [yes, there are a few things worse; world hunger, death, etc.] but this is f'real, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarosssssssssssss!), than walking into a living nasal death trap.

k, end smelly rant here.  not sayin, just sayin, if you're a "that chick", please remember the following chant: if caught in the fray, don't forget to spray :)

kelly out yo :)

this isn't everything you are

it is a rare thing in this world that does not accurately reflect the effort that has been put into it.

a beautiful garden has been carefully tended, many hours, sweat, dirt, and worn hands have created this miracle.  an athletes toned muscles, a body molded by self-discipline and long hours of exercise.  a driven professional, excelling in their career, dedication... continually striving for the best.

perception is reality. and reality is perception.

when does what you wish become who you are?  and when does what you see in the mirror stop reflecting what you thought you were?

i am no fool (well, at least not for the most part :)), i realize that we are all changing, morphing, hopefully into something better, into something that He has made us to be.  but what happens when you are faced with the reality of  the perceptions of others, and it's not who you want to be?

the most accurate mirror you can look into are the eyes of another.  don't get me wrong, we all have our little biases, everyone has their "splinter" or "log" if you will, but i don't think that should become an excuse, instead it should be a point of self-examination.

as a christian, a follower of God, we can never live about the perceptions of others.  get me straight here, don't misunderstand, we are not called to live up to what others believe we should be, or pulled into the depths by one or two unpleasant comments regarding who we are and why.  but we are meant to be accountable.  we don't get the freedom to act how we want and expect that this will always be covered by the grace of God.

i believe that we must continually strive to be closer to the One who will make us more like Him.  this does not mean that we are perfect, far from it, but it does not grant us a free ticket (do not pass go, do not collect $200).  why?  because we have to live a life full of trying and failing?  no.  no really, i mean it.  NO.  yes, i do love the caps button :)  NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  we cannot and should not strive for anything close to perfection.  i got news for ya, i'm no youngsta, and i'm not ancient quite yet, but i do know this, my path to being a "good person" will lead me no where.  and if it did, i certainly wouldn't have faith in an omniscient and all-powerful God, instead that would instill a faith in myself.  if i just try harder, do better, use more self-discipline, then i could be who i want to be.

ha!  as if... (i.e. i've tried...)

instead, my desire to love Him more, and the action of trying to love Him more, well, in that (and even if i suck at this, which is a very common occurrence!), He extends the grace and love i need, He makes me more like Him.  and really, what else is there?  is there something more important than that in this life?

so, back to it.  perception is reality.  maybe not always, but do i get to stand aside and just christia-nese my thoughtless actions with some sort of "well, i'm just struggling right now..." excuse?  i don't think that's right either.  we strive to embody something better not because we have to, or because we're supposed to, but because we love Him so deeply that we do not want to do any harm to His name.  we could not bear to do Him any injustice.  it would hurt our hearts to drag His name and reputation through the dirt.

will we screw up?  yes.  will we struggle?  yes.  will we do harm when we should have done good?  YES.

but i believe that He can "make all things beautiful", and while i hope to never use this as an excuse, a symbolic shield, i can rest in faith that when i do suck, that He is bigger than that.  and if i didn't think He was...?  well, that wouldn't be much of a God to believe in, would it?

a beautiful place to rest, but never for too long...

that's why it's called a moment of truth

who you were never truly lets go of who you've become...

so yes, admittedly, i am disgustingly-engrossed, over-the-top, in love love love with every moment of, and a die-hard fan of One Tree Hill.  the precious OTH.  too young to know what the gosh-darn-heck i'm talkin 'bout?  too old to care?   just old enough to know the name, but didn't ever follow it?  truly obsessed like me?  regardless, it's the end of a beautiful time in life.

k, so no need for a trehil-terventention (legend... wait for it... i had ice cream from this "queen" earlier today - dairy!), i am fully aware that this is just a TV show, and really, it's not about the show, it's about the end of an era.  this show has been on since i was in high school, and even though i have changed from an all-too-awkward and ultra-dramatic teen into a semi-awkward and somewhat-dramatic adult, i still love looking back at who i was.  and that helps remind me of who i am, but more importantly who i am becoming.

i'm not ashamed to say that i was in tears by the end of this, not because of 9 seasons of 60 minute episodes impacted my life that strongly, but because the past 10 years of life and God have shaped me into this woman.  and even that i am not proud of, in fact, mostly humbled, because i look back over my years since graduation (with a 10-year high school reunion looming), and cannot believe how incredibly blessed i have been to have had people in my life who not only invested and believed in me, but who have stood by me when i have not lived up to my potential.  not judged, not criticized, but loved unconditionally, while constantly lifting me up in prayer.

and isn't that how we all become who we're meant to be?  who He sees us as, what He is quietly whispering to our hearts, what we know to be deep down, is the true heart of who we are, but have not fully transformed  into... yet.

potential.  yeah, that word has a lot of connotations.  some good and some bad.  i can remember many times being chastised with this word; "you're not living up to your potential", "you have so much potential... (insert implied suckiness here)", and "you're wasting all of your potential."  so i can imagine that a lot of us cringe at this word, but in recent years i have found it incredibly freeing.  instead of seeing it as who i am "supposed" to become, i have recognized the faith of others and God, and seen it as who i am destined to be.  not without dedication, not without hardship, not without suffering or mishaps.  but with the beauty of His hands and grace... and my continued understanding of how it is not about me.

one tree hill, ladies and gents, it's time for a curtain call.  but who we were, who we are becoming... don't bow quite yet, cuz there's a lot more where that came from.  get ready for the encore folks, it's gonna be beautiful.

the switch and a broken child

there are few things more excruciating to see than the heart-broken child.

yes, there are lots of stories about heart-broken parents, those who have lost a child, either figuratively or literally.  you know, the eternal brokenness of truly loving parents, who only want what is best for their child...  i'm not a parent, so i don't get that, but what i do get is being a kid.

and similarly, there are plenty of stories of children, who at some point have been let down by one or more parents. but to me they really seem inevitable because everyone is flawed, and it seems completely implossable that any parent could be without fault ever. so that is not what is on my heart...

what touches me tonight is the heart of a child that is broken with worry for a parent.  i was privy to a very interesting convo this week that talked about families and their dynamics.  now i can say, wholeheartedly, that i have been very blessed to be a part of a very strongly spiritually-based and healthy family.  i have parents with an awesome marriage, a Godly focus, siblings who absolutely bless me, and who are overall, incredibly wonderful, but i know not everyone has had this experience with the familial network that they were born into.  but regardless, a child's heart can be overcome, no matter what the status is of the relationship, with great concern for those who gave them life.

why?

because once you reach that age (the age in which you realize two very important things 1) that you truly do appreciate your mom and dad, and 2) that they are not going to be around forever) of realization it can destroy you.

today after discussing how my mom still texts me to make sure i'm alive after a big snow storm or heavy rain, my co-worker asked me how old my parents were.  i answered and then he nodded knowingly, saying that i must not have hit the switch yet.  the switch is, essentially, when you start worrying more about your parents than they do about you.  of course that doesn't mean that parents start to worry less (yeah right, if only!), just that our worry increases and overtakes theirs...

after all of that, what is on my heart tonight?  the switch.  a mighty beast, not to be fought, but simply be aware of.  we cannot control how long our dear parents will be with us, and worry should not determine how we act or think.  instead, it is something that should make us treasure each moment with those who gave us life... and hold them close to our hearts.

so, hug your 'rents peps - they've earned it, and you never know how long you have left to do it!

the rite of ma'amhood

as a 20-something, there is nothin' worse than bein called "ma'am".  yes, it's true, i have a 10-year high school reunion coming up (and psyched to see old friends!), but there is something deep inside my soul that refuses to respond to the term ma'am.   yeah, i'm not ashamed to admit it, i dictionary.com'd that sucker, and sure, it's short for madam, which i will definitely say sounds so deliciously european, and of course, the second meaning referring to the queen or royalty certainly doesn't hurt, but even so, it just sounds old.  don't get me wrong, i'm not one to think that i am younger or hipper than i actually am.  let's be honest, i am closer to 30 than 20, but i have not lost the fight yet :)  as Alec Baldwin's 30 Rock character so eloquently describes it, i am certainly "keeping it tight", but i also don't fear age.

hmmmm, i guess the question is. what does the age of ma'amhood really mean?  well, in my humble opinion, it has a whole lot more to do with the world of acting.  i mean, not like entertainers, or People.com, more like how old you act.  and let's be honest, i am pretty immature :)

yes, i do, on occasion, enjoy some yummy grape, and every single time i get carded.  now, i'm not saying i look like i'm under 21, cuz let's be honest, in this crazy fashion-forward world, there are lots of 16-year-olds that could def pass for 22-plus (hello, how else do clubs survive?), but what i mean is that age is incredibly relative, based on the viewer.  right?

maybe i'm wrong, but it seems to me, that how you act really shows how old you are.  yeah, yeah, i know, sometimes we all (especially myself) act like 5 year old with a bad case of the tantrums, but in general, those who are mature show their true stripes when the world comes at 'em with full force. yes, we all have moment of weakness, some more than a few, but for the most part, it does seem to come out when you least expect it.

so officially becoming a ma'am...?  don't think i'm really ready for the term yet, but can i swing with what it means?  yes ma'am!

impact by default

everything we are is shaped.  circles, triangles and maybe even a trapezoid thrown in for good measure.

it seems easy to believe that we are a product of ourselves, that we are somehow bigger than it all.  but those we choose to let into our lives have helped us become who we are.  sometimes we give credit where credit is due, especially to those who we feel indebted to, those who we recognize as helping us become better.  but what about those people throughout the course of our lives who have gone unnoticed?  maybe there are those who have not necessarily made us better on purpose, but by default.

i think we have a duty to honor those who have helped us become who we are, even if their effect on us could be described as negative.  i realize this sounds a lil' silly, maybe not totally sane even, but this is the idea that has been rolling around my head lately: some of the people in my life who have impacted me the most, well, i don't really always think of them fondly...  i mean, that's not so shocking. right?  everyone has those peps in their past (and sometimes present), but what keeps nagging at me is the idea that i need to recognize that even though i may not be so incredibly ecstatic with their presence in my life, i still need to honor them as people who have helped me become who i am.

i haven't totally thought this one through, which i typically try to do 'fore spoutin' off my mouth, but this one i just can't seem to get a hold of.  i can't figure out if i feel that this duty to honor is based on the belief that because we have all screwed up and made mistakes, that i need to extend grace, or if it's something deeper, more personal, somewhere along the lines of noting that most of those individuals did have a genuinely positive impact on me in some small way as well, even if that wasn't the defining characteristic of the relationship.

this one really does stump me.  i'm not gonna feign super-human knowledge or try to throw down, cuz i really don't know.  maybe it's just something God has laid on my heart.  maybe it's a part of the forgiving and forgiven process, or it's just cuz thinking poorly of people in every aspect just makes me sad.  it could be that i just want to see the best in them, or it could be that time can soften the memory of even the harshest of blows.  or really, it could just be that if i believe that God is sovereign, and that while He hates to see us in pain, He does allow things to happen to us that hurt, but we need to believe that He will make something beautiful out of it (and us) in the end, and this is just a part of the process...?

i feel like i'm not much closer to an answer then when i started.  but i can certainly say this: i still believe that i personally need to honor those in my life who have shaped me.  those who have hurt me, well, i can't change any of that, can i?  all i can do is look for what beautiful things came out of it, and that part i can control.

so, i guess, here i go - i accept that i would not be the woman that i am today without those who have touched my life.  and let's face it folks, life should always be honored.