sometimes i still miss bozeman so much it hurts.
pretty much any time i hear bluegrass, hear the word montana or see someone with an odd t-shirt paired with hiking books and other too-athletic-to-be-street-wear-but-just-normal-enough-to-be-considered-"outdoorsy" items of clothing, i get extremely sad. is it nostalgia? is it that maybe we weren't supposed to leave when we did? is it because we are supposed to go back someday?
i'm not sure.
one thing i do know. bozeman, past and present, and me, past and present, is not what or who it or i used to be. i think that's something crucial, but it sounds so simple. what we long for, yearn for, when that thing or place is in the past, is really just a perceived reality.
being back in mt ana for the wedding was awesome, seriously such a blessing to be able to celebrate with two amazing people. but it was so bittersweet. to remember all of the amazing things that i experienced there, to see all of the places and faces that i love, to be completely and utterly at peace. how is it that one place can hold such a large place in your heart, especially when my time there was so short in the grand scheme of things? for goodness sake, it's been 6 years since we came back!
shoot, where did those rose-colored glasses go? oh right, they're on my face... ahhh, perceived reality, with just a touch of hindsight.
the harsh truth is that when you've put down roots and committed to a community it's no longer about you. a house/mortgage, family, friends, church, dog, multiple vehicles, work, etc. some people see these things as things that tie you down, but quite a few of them are what actually set you free (the people, not the things).
i know it's really hip right now to be a nomad, a gypsy if you will, but i don't really know how i feel about that. i mean, how much can you really pour into others if you're constantly on the move? without your family and friends, well, really, what are you? now don't get all up in arms, i'm not suggesting that we are absolutely nothing without the people we love, but, that's also not too far off... yes, you can move, yes, you can re-start, create a new life (i've done it many, many times), and there is nothing wrong with that. but it's a big step, and should only be done for the right reasons (and really big ones too, at least at this point in our lives). how opinionated of you Kelly, how do you really feel? :)
i see too many people at this stage in life that take their community for granted - specifically, in the respect of leaving. yes, i realize that we're still young, most of us not yet parents, many of us that can fairly freely move about the U.S. from place to place without too much hassle. is there anything intrinsically wrong with that? nope. but what i do have a problem with is the lack of understanding, and sometimes responsibility, shown by some of these youngsta's. if you've planted yourself somewhere, poured into those around you, and then you decide to leave based on your own feelings and emotions, without considering the impact on others (who likely have also spent a considerable amount of time pouring into and loving you), you are being just a little selfish. it seems a bit un-real to me that so many christians preach community up the wazoo, and yet they will leave one so quickly, off to start a new one someplace new. isn't the point of community to have someone who will love, uplift, challenge and stand by you as the year go by? it goes both ways then, if you commit to a community, you don't just get to up and leave. i mean, really, you do, you can technically do whatever you want, but i'm just sayin' somethin' like that just doesn't sit right with me. it's like they don't preemptively consider the hole that they will leave, the impact their exit might have.
a little raw? yeah, i know. but i really am trying to process this from a past-leaver position, things that i wish someone would have said to me. i would not have taken my decisions so lightly.
i am always sharing a strong feelin' on something or another, but this time i am trying to temper my passionate opinion with my personal reality in this situation. i love bzmn so much, so very very much, and miss it, and everything it symbolizes more than i could ever possibly describe. but in this instance, it is not a reason to leave the community that we have built, the friends and family that we cherish deeply. maybe someday God will call us back there, but it will be for His glory then, and not due to our own wavering and unpredictable hearts, as they can often deceive us.
so, much to the chagrin of my bo-zone peps, we will continue to reside in the twin cities... to the joy of all our mn peps, we love you and are committed to you, and are not leaving :)
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