memories of dreams and dreams of memories

sometimes memories can kick you right in the guts.

i don't really know what it is, but something our subconscious mind, that odd little place in our psyche, hides truth from us.  and when we figure our way out of the maze of crazy, and realize the truth, something we hid from ourselves, or maybe tried to protect ourselves from, well, it's not a pretty sight.

have i been watchin' too many conspiracy theory movies?  i don't even think that's possible for me :)  gimme more baby!

but really.  i remembered something long-forgotten recently that hit me hard.  it's like, when you were four years old and thought your grandparents were angelic and perfect, right?  and then when you grow up and find out that they were just real people, with faults just like the rest of us... you weren't really upset, but it did turn your world a little upside down for a little bit.  i guess that's a good explanation for it.  at least for me.

i admit, i am an adjuster.  put me in a situation and i will adjust.  i will not fight the restrictions, i will not push for change, i will not cry and mope, or get depressed, i will simply adjust.  sometimes that's awesome, but other times it's not a super great trait.  regardless, due to my adjuster personality, i often forget that things used to be different, be it good or bad.

so when i remember something that makes me a little sad, man, i really wanna bury it.  i wanna pretend that i never remembered it.  sometimes the forgetfulness, that "maze of crazy" is not good, because it distorts reality, what really happened, who people are and why.

memories don't always serve us well.  what's that stat on eyewitnesses?  crazy-high amounts of eyewitness accounts are actually incorrect... sounds like "can't always believe what you see" has never been truer, eh?  but, what i am really gettin' at is the idea that remembering who someone or something used to be does both you and them/it a dis-service.  it all changes - things, people, places.  everything.

so what's my point?  i guess i don't know for sure.  what it comes down to for me, is that you should hold dearly to the memories that you love, but never forget that they're not the only memories that you have.  and, maybe more importantly, the memories that you have of those you've loved, well, they don't define who those people are now.  we all change.  sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not so much.

would someone from your past think well of you?  idk, i just hope that if i met you again tomorrow that you'd be happy with who i turned into.  that's all you can hope for, right? :)