the un-forgiven

yes, it's true, as much as it really shouldn't be as a christian, i have experienced unforgiveness.  both as a lack-of-giver and as a receiver.

it's so interesting, this idea of unforgiveness.  i've heard a lot recently, especially in my professional field, of those who have chosen to not let go - and all i can think of, every time i hear it, is how much that makes you a slave to another person...

but regardless, it make me ponder the importance of our words and actions.

for example. i have been on the receiving end of words or actions (and sometimes both), that i have determined are the end of a relationship.  it's true, we are all different in what we decide as being the final straw, but there does become a point when enough is enough, we don't feel that we can take any more.

i have ended romantic relationships and friendships because i feel that what someone has said or done cannot be remidied, but they thought could be... interesting, right?  we've all done things that we regret, but in addition to that, we've all done things that (most of the time after the fact), we think can be taken back, right?  that an apology can fix.  true?  i think so.  not always, but it seems like it, even if it's only from our own perspective.  but from the other person's perspective, it can't be rectified.

there have been times when i've felt that, in fact, there is nothing that person can do to "make it better."  they have hurt me too much or for too long.  for the most part, i think that can be human nature, we can only handle so much.  but i also think it's a healthy balance between what we are capable of forgetting about and what God will give us the grace to forgive.  but just because we forgive does not mean that a relationship, in any form, is healthy to move forward in.  like i said, i have ended relationships based on this.

emotions run high, and often times, tempers do as well.  you may say or do something in the heat of the moment (which you may or may not truly mean) that you feel you can just apologize for in the future, that you think for whatever reason will not deeply affect the other person (or effectively gets your point across during a moment of passionate argument), but the other person sees only as hurtful.  history and context mean a lot in these circumstances.  as they probably should.  did i accept their apology for their actions or words?  yes.  did it, ultimately, show their character/beliefs and therefore change my perspective of them?  sometimes, yes.  unfortunately it is very possible that you can do something that you think can be taken back (or fixed), in the future, but the other person does not feel the same way.  for them, it's too late...

so we've prolly all been the un-forgiven, and we've prolly all been the un-forgiver at times.  and i know for all intents and purposes, that truly, we should forgive everyone.  those who we do not forgive only have a chain on our hearts, in a way that can only be released with forgiveness.  we cannot be free without forgiving, and i mean the true kind of forgiving, not just the "ok, ok, i'm tired of this bugging me, so i'll just tell you that you're forgiven" or the always popular, "i'll forgive you in my mind, but not actually tell you because i don't want to have to talk to you about this cuz that would be too awkward or painful."

do we have to like it?  nope.  do we have to do it? yup.

that said, i really do believe that it's okay to forgive someone, but still feel as though you need to end the relationship.  there is a season for everything, and while a specific situation or hurt should not be the defining reason for ending a relationship, sometimes it's just healthier for both individuals to move on.  now i don't have exact spiritual verbiage on this one, and it might just be an informed opinion, so take it with a grain of salt, but sometimes i just think it's okay to say that it's time to let go.  could i be wrong?  certainly.  have i asked too many self-answered questions in this post?  absolutely :)

i guess what it comes down to is this:  it's okay to say "goodbye", as long as you're uttered the words "i forgive you" (and meant it) beforehand.  (insert the words "i reserve the right to be wrong" here) :)