Out of Control

There are some pretty addictive things in this world, but none is more enslaving than control.

The thing about control is that if we feel like we have it we seem to do okay... but when we feel like we don't have control, we act bat-poop-cray-cray...  The funny part is, really, do we ever actually "have" control?  I mean, do we control what we have for breakfast and how much time we spend dinking around the house?  Sure.  But, over big life circumstances?  Usually not.

And yet, even though we know that... control is like a drug that we can't get enough of.  Sometimes we even fool ourselves into thinking that we have control, right?  I've caught myself numerous times exercising "control" over things in my life, that in reality, are just as likely to have not happened as they were to have happened.  More like luck, if you believe in such a thing.

Driving home today I got behind a really slow driver.  Like, monumentally slow.  The kind of driver that makes you wish that driver's licenses could be revoked by normal citizens.  On a two lane road, there was nothing I could do but sit back, lay off the gas, and let this super slow Corolla make it's way to wherever their super slow selves needed to be (but apparently not very quickly).  A mile later, there had just (as in JUST) been an accident - the drivers were still exchanging their information.  It didn't look like anyone was injured badly, but it was a pretty big car/truck accident.

Mr. Slow Corolla (who shall now be known as MSC) took his sweet time making his way around this obstacle as well, but I was too engrossed to notice.  All I could think of was how, if I hadn't been stuck behind the Guinness Book of World Records Winner for Putziest Driver Ever, that smashed up car might have been mine... or worse, had I not been going at such an astronomically slow speed, I may have come around the corner and actually hit the driver of the car trying to get out.  Now of course, in those types of situations, our minds always tend to go to the worst possible scenario, and maybe there was no "bigger plan" for my being behind MSC, but it still makes you think, right?

I think I am in control, but really, I'm not.  And guess what?  Neither are you :)

And yet, we toil, day in and day out to get control, as if it is something to be attained.  When the big things in life seem like they are in constant flux, we grasp at anything we can to create some barrier, some fortress against the change.  Something, anything, to hold on to...  our finances, our weight, our work schedules, our pets... as if any of these things can give us what we're really looking for - which is peace.

It's just a little past Christmas time, and this year my family spent some time going around the circle and reminiscing.  We each talked about one of our favorite memories of a past Christmas.  One of mine was junior year of high school when my group of close friends did a Secret Santa exchange.  To be honest, I'm getting old, and I really don't even remember who's name I had, or who had me.  But, I do remember a lot of crazy running around, finding out locker combinations, leaving secret notes under desks and sneaking out late on Christmas eve to go leave presents on people's door steps.  It was an absolutely perfect Christmas.

I know you're thinking "Aww, isn't that sweet, but what the heck does this have to do with control?"

Right.  On to the point.  After reminiscing I started to think about how, even though I love my past Christmas memories, they rarely have much to do with the actual reason for the season - Christ.  Christ came to save us... that little baby in a manger, came to save us from certain death.  But he didn't come for just that.  Because you can be saved from death and still be miserable, right?  Absolutely.  He also came to bring us peace... And now you're thinking, "Oh yeah, the Prince of Peace, that whole thing, I get it now!"  :)

The point is, striving after control will not save you.

Please hear me on this, you will not feel more in control, no matter what you seem to have control over.  This drug really won't help you.  What you need is peace, and that's not something that you can get by yourself (I know, I've tried!).  So take a minute to just breathe, and let it sink in.  If peace, and not control, is what you need, then I think you know where to get it...

Merry Christmas friends, and may you have a very peace-filled year!

"Those" Women

I always thought that I wouldn't be one of "those" women.

You know who I'm talking about - the women who complain through their ENTIRE pregnancy, lamenting left and right, until you pretty much wanna shout loudly (into their puffy and unhappy faces) "Then why did you even GET pregnant?!?!"   But you don't.  Because that would be rude.  And we're Minnesotans.  So we're nice.  We only think mean thoughts, we never actually say them ;)

I always swore I wouldn't be one of those complaining, cranky women.  Until 33 weeks.  Now I understand.
I'm not saying pregnancy gives you a free pass to complain about anything and everything, but I do get how "over it" you can start to feel at this stage of the "miracle of creating life".

I've actually been very blessed considering some of the pretty terrible things that can happen during pregnancy health-wise.  I've had nausea for all of these blessed 34 weeks (minus a few weeks during the 2nd tri), but it's manageable now (I only want to vomit occasionally throughout the day, instead of constantly ;)).  On the other hand, I have no stretch marks, no varicose veins, no "kankles", no swelling whatsoever, staying at a nice low preggo weight, and eating relatively healthy.  I've been super blessed that my preggo body is pretty much the same minus the belly (and bigger boobs!), and most of my pre-preggo clothes still fit, even my pants as long as I wear them low! There have been lots of other not-fun pregnancy issues as well, but overall, I truly have to count myself lucky.

So, why am I feeling this intense urge to complain?

Because, no matter how lucky and blessed you are during pregnancy - 99% of women hit a point where you are absolutely and terribly uncomfortable, no matter what you do.  You (simultaneously) have to pee, eat some tums, re-adjust your legs (and hope that you don't actually pee your pants WHILE doing this), and try to tell yourself not to cry when your husband pours out the last of your ONLY caffeine-free drink... because you know it's just your hormones. And it's totally not logical to cry over a drink.  Right.  But you still cry anyway :)

And the belly.  It's everywhere!  When you try to turn over in the night - the belly! When you knock over the glass on the counter for the 4th time today - the belly!  When you can't get behind the wheel without adjusting everything in the whole gosh-darn front seat - the belly!  And especially when you are really looking forward to putting on your one and only ugly Christmas sweater, only to find out that when put on, the theme song that you should be singing is "Fat guy in a little coat" (thanks Tommyboy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGWbt3DSje0 ), and you know immediately that you have NO shot at actually keeping it on your poor preggo body - THE BELLY!

Alright, obviously I am not done with this whole pregnancy thing, so I can't really talk about how "once you hold that baby in your arms it's totally worth it", but I can say this much - making a baby ain't pretty, it's nothing like what you see on the cover of People magazine, and it's about as unglamourous as you can get.  BUT, I do think that it's great preparation for becoming an actual parent.  It's no  longer about you.  You are literally giving up your own body to host this lil' guy or gal, and that's a pretty gosh-darn big sacrifice.

So while I can genuinely say that I am officially "done" with this whole pregnancy shindig, I still feel extremely blessed to have this guy hanging out with me, and am committed to keeping a positive attitude until he decides to join this great big world of ours (hopefully no more than 6 weeks away).  It also doesn't hurt that I have an extremely supportive and understanding hubby ;)

But, despite my best efforts, every once in a while, you will still prolly hear me complain... because let's be honest, growin' this kid is hard work! :)  6 weeks to go baby!

Vindicated. I am selfish. I am wrong...

I am right, I swear I'm right. I swear I knew it all along...

Don't you just love the feeling of vindication?  That moment when you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were right.  Regardless of what anyone else thought or did, none of it matters, you were right in the end.  Such sweet satisfaction :)

And then there are those moments when everything comes crashing down, and vindication is the last thing on your mind. Quite the opposite - instead you're realizing that you screwed up... that the choice you made was absolutely, and totally, wrong.

I've had both of these moments in my life.  I think we're all bound to, right?  Right.  But why?  Why are we bound to have these types of moments?  Is it because our lives are chock full of decision making?  Not necessarily, because not every choice is right or wrong, sometimes it's just a simple decision.  What to eat for breakfast - cheesy eggs and bacon or Lucky Charms?  Lemme tell you, either one of these is a winner, no wrong decision here!  I propose that the reason that we have so many moments of vindication or utter despair is that, as humans, we have to believe that there is a "right" answer to everything that we do, because if there isn't, then what justifies our choice?  Hmm, justification and vindication go hand in hand? Shocking :)

I've found that this is particularly true of things that are close to our hearts.  Cuz honestly, I rarely get fired up about which detergent is the holy grail and which one is totally evil.  Not sayin', just sayin'.  But if you're in the territory of things that I hold dear, things that I value, or decisions from my past, you can bet yer sweet patootie that I might start getting a lil' hot under the collar.

And why?  What's the point?  What makes some decisions seem like they ARE THE BIGGEST DEAL IN THE WHOLE WORLD?  Because the people who make one choice NEED to believe that their choice was right, and the people who choose something else NEED to believe that their choice was right... because if it wasn't the right choice, then why are they doing what they're doing?

We need to believe that the choice we made was right.  Even if it wasn't... Then, we find out the hard way - insert feelings of either total vindication or total wrongness (here).  Whew, that sounds exhausting.

And honestly, when I stop and think about it, why does it really matter?  I think it just comes down to pride. I believe so strongly that I am right about something because I am confident that I could not make a mistake. All of this is based on my pride - whether my decision turns out to be right or wrong will then lead me to either feel proud of my "right" decision, or ashamed of my "wrong" decision.  Woof, what a mess!

So, I guess vindication is overrated, eh?  And it comes with a heavy price... encouraging pride.  So, I guess I don't love the feeling of vindication - the shine of which caught my eye, captivated me, but it's time to let it go... thanks Dashboard :)

On to living a life without constantly needing to be right!

Without A Why

I've spent years and years of my life trying to figure out my taste in music.  And I'm ashamed to admit, I have learned that I am pretty close-minded.  I'm not really genre-based or musician-based per se, I just either like a song or I don't.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  I have no desire to explain why I don't like it, or ponder the deeper meaning of my dislike, I just know that I don't want to listen to it.  End of story.

So, in the realm of music, I may be kinda lame in the eyes of others, but I'm happy as a clam when I've got my jams.  And really, my lack of ambition to determine the reasons why I like the music that I like and dislike the music that I dislike doesn't negatively impact anyone else.  Except when they're stuck in my car and have to listen to me jamming out to "Fat Bottomed Girls", in which case, I preemptively apologize.  But not really, because that song rocks.  Hard.  And something is deeply wrong with you if you don't like it.

However.

In the grand scheme of things, my unwillingness to try to understand why I like/dislike or believe/not believe certain things actually does greatly impact those in my life. That is scary, and no awesome Queen song can fix that.  So, I have a responsibility to others to know what I believe and why I believe it.

Why?

Because "I just do" isn't a good enough answer for anything really. Except for maybe "Why do you like that mustard?", which is something I've always felt very personally passionate about.  I just do, ok?  But big life stuff, like, "Why do you think you should marry her?", "Why do you think you should quit your job and put your finances and your family at risk?", or "Why do you believe in God?".  Those are big questions that guide even bigger life choices, and ultimately, impact the grand scheme of your life and the people that are in it.  While you may feel tempted to answer with a "I just do" or, the always popular, "I just know", I'm gonna go ahead and throw out a big yellow mental CAUTION sign for you.  Why?  Because if you're saying those things because it's just easier than arguing over semantics with someone, that's one thing, and I think that's fairly harmless.  But, if you're saying those things because deep down you know that you don't know, or worse, you want to live in a state of blissful ignorance - well then, I got news for ya kiddo, you'd better check yo'self before you wreck yo'self.

I'm kinda preachin' at myself here, because this is something that I really struggle with.  And it's just so gosh-darn hard! Do I have to? Yes! But I don't wanna!  Tough luck bucko.

You need to know what you believe because it guides the way that you live your life. But, you need to know why you believe what you believe because it helps you understand how you look at life (and therefore defines the "what").  If you have the "what" but don't know the "why", the what can be changed with a passing thought.  The why provides the foundation for what you believe, and without it, you're like a ship without an anchor.  And when you start challenging the "whys", well, that's when life gets really interesting.

So, I guess I have my work cut out for me.  While I will never feel the need to know the "why" of my shameful love of great music like N'Sync or 50 Cent, I do need to spend some serious time trying to figure out the "whys" of the bigger beliefs that guide the way that I live my life.

Checkin' before wreckin', that's how we do :)  Good luck with all of your whys!

The Weight Of It All

You know the age old weight game.  Don't weigh too much, don't weigh too little... have curves, but not too many... be fit, but not too fit... etc. etc.  We are faced with our weight every day.  The way our clothes fit, the way our mirror reflects us, and at the checkout of every grocery store whether it's 1) the enormous grocery bill and cart filled with ice cream and bonbons, or 2) the stunningly beautiful model on the front of every single glossy magazine staring at you while you ashamedly whip out your credit card to pay for all of that ice cream and bonbons.

And then there is The Number.  You know, the number that when you see it on the scale you immediately (and simultaneously) begin to sweat profusely, feel the tears welling up and have an overwhelming urge to do truly terrible things to that evil bathroom scale.  REALLY terrible things.  Remember that copier from Office Space?  That's nothing compared to what I have in mind...

We've been trained our entire lives to fight the good fight, to be a certain weight or die trying!  It's enough to drive even the most intelligent and self-assured woman (or man!) absolutely, freakin', bonkers.

And then, enter pregnancy... Game changer!

You're supposed to "eat for two" (but not too much), get plenty of exercise (but not too hard), gain weight (but not too much), be calm and peaceful (but not lazy), eat what your body is craving (unless it's fatty, sugary, oily, or tastes even remotely good), drink lots of fluids (but not anything fake, or with caffeine, or alcohol, not from the tap, or tea, or soda, or __________ <-------- insert pretty much every other liquid here), and on, and on, and on...  Your body is no longer your own and it's terrifying!

What I am going to admit to you next is actually incredibly hard to say/type, but I am going to do it anyway.  Ready?  Ok.

Since I've gotten pregnant, every time I get on the scale I immediately feel a hot wave of embarrassment rush over me.  Embarrassed by the number that I am looking at, embarrassed that someone might find out that number, embarrassed that I feel so vulnerable and ashamed about something so trivial, and worst of all, embarrassed that I even care... How sad.

I think every woman believes that when she gets pregnant she won't mind the weight gain - that she'll be able to write it off as "just the baby" and enjoy the opportunity to eat a few extra calories without any guilt.  Wrong.  At least, that hasn't been true for me.  I know every woman is different, but I would venture to say that I'm not the only one to struggle with this.  Logic will tell you that you are creating a human life and that a few extra pounds shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things.  Every medical textbook, doctor and WebMD will tell you that weight gain is required and that it is a crucial part of your growing baby's development.  So.  You should feel totally fine about the extra 25-35 pounds that you're supposed to pack on, right?  I don't know, maybe I'm just extra vain, but it just seems like a hard pill to swallow.  Let's face it, in a culture consumed by weight, even gaining 5 pounds can send us spiraling into a full daylong pity party.  So, 25 pounds?  Yup, just a little stressful.

Now don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic to be pregnant, and blessed to have this lil' kiddo growing inside of me.  You can't go through growing a human being and hold on to vanity, it just doesn't work that way (unless you're Kim Kardashian...?).  Clearly, the health of the baby is the top priority and the scale will just have to deal with it, but I still think that this is a really important thing to talk about.

Where am I going with this?  If you read this blog then you know the spiel - I chat about something, talk about different perspectives and then wrap it all up with a nice little bow at the end.  But this is not that kind of post.  Today is about being vulnerable and open about something that I have struggled with.  I am sharing something that is hard for me because I think it's important for people to know, and it's not something that often gets mentioned.  And, honestly, it's also an overall public service announcement to everyone out there who knows or encounters a preggo :)

Here are a few helpful hints:

• Don't say anything about weight.  Ever. No, seriously.  Even if you think it's complimentary. I've heard the "Oh, but you look too thin to be pregnant" line a few times, and while it's meant to be a genuine compliment, it usually just makes the preggo feel like their body is under constant scrutiny.  Just steer clear.  Stick with "You look so great!" or "You're glowing" and you'll be fine :)  Side note on this, I personally think it's fine to talk about the "baby bump", but some women are even uncomfortable with this, so try and figure out if it seems to bother the preggo in your life.
• Have a little grace with your preggo friend/fam... Not only are their hormones going c-r-a-y, but their bodies feel completely out of their control.  So try and bear with them as they try on the 30th shirt of the evening and lament that they "feel SO fat" and "will never fit into those jeans again!"  
• For God sake, do not touch their belly!  Think back to one of your "fat days" - how would you feel if someone came up to you and just randomly started rubbing your belly, the thing you're already self conscious about, without even asking?!  If you're a close friend or family member, go ahead and ask the preggo if they are comfortable with it, but do not expect that they will be.  And if you're a random stranger, just keep your hands to yourself weirdo :)
• If you're at a healthy weight prior to getting preggo you're supposed to gain 25 to 35 pounds (more if you were underweight, and less if you were already overweight). Even if that doesn't sound like a lot to you, it can feel really overwhelming (and in my case, embarrassing) to the preggo.  Don't try to ease their fears, downplay it, or make them "feel better" about the weight gain.  Just love them, support them, help them make wise choices, and, if it's been a particularly hard day, be prepared to hand over most of the tub of Ben and Jerry's that you were supposed to "share"... all in the name of love :)  

So, that's it.  I've bared my soul.  If you made it this far you're either a very good friend of mine, or you've been pregnant before and some of this resonates with you. Thanks for listening, and I promise to get this blog back to it's regularly scheduled funny business with the next post :)

While You Were Puking... The First Tri Blues

Some women have easy pregnancies and some women have pregnancy horror stories that would chill anyone with a uterus to the very bone (I guess that's discriminatory, anyone with or without a uterus. K?).  I'm not the latter, but I'm not really the former either.

My first trimester way pretty rough. Actually real rough.  And why am I telling you this?  Because I think it's important to be transparent, and also, I think it's important for those of you with a bad case of "baby fever" (ahem, ahem, I think you know who you are!) should hear what it "can" be like.  I know I know, not everyone has it this bad, but many have it way worse than I do, and I just think it's important to hear the whole spectrum.

So to start off with, I blame my friends... Ok, not really.  But truly, all of my friends who have been/are pregnant all seemed to take to it like a duck to water.  I, on the other hand, have taken to it much like a cat to water.  As in, clawing, screeching and the general feeling of "oh dear Lord, I'm drowning, this is going to kill me!"  You know, super chill and all.

Not that I expected to look as calm and serene as every preggo starlet who graces the cover of US Weekly, because let's face it, I'm no Gisele, but I didn't entirely expect just how difficult it was going to be either.

So I'm gonna give you the low down... the good, the bad, and the funny.  Fair warning, this is pretty detailed, so if you're squeamish, this might not be the post for you :)

Boobs:

• The Good:  They've definitely gotten bigger!
• The Bad:  Oh. Dear. Lord. I literally wake up every morning feeling like I've been kicked in each breast.  Repeatedly.  And if, by some chance, I forgot to put on a sports bra before going to bed (because I was too nauseous to get up one MORE time), then take that initial pain x 100.  I've always thought boobs were overrated, and this experience has definitely cemented my thoughts on this particular feature of the female anatomy!
• The Funny:  Who knew these things could be so multi-purposeful?  Now that I'm past the first tri and can actually eat again, they make a GREAT shelf to put my snacks on...

Scent:

• The Good: I can smell everything.  I mean EVERYTHING!  My supposedly scentless plants, a camp fire a mile away, socks that are all of the way across the room that Ryn tried to convince me were still clean... Everything.  I don't think Superman had super scent, but if he did, I would STILL be able to smell better than him. 
• The Bad:  Just as an FYI - Ryan is eating corn nuts downstairs right now.  Do you know how I know?  Because even though he is approximately an entire floor and over 50 ft away from me (downwind) I can still smell those God-forsaken nuts!  Ok ok, you got me, I actually love corn nuts, dangit.  Mmmmmmmm...
• The Funny: On the bright side, my sense of smell is so strong I could put myself out there to get hired as a drug dog... Just call me McGruff!

Nausea:  

• The Good:  Ummm.  I don't know if it's possible to come up with a good one for this.  Let's just say it keeps you humble :)
• The Bad:  I have a strong stomach.  A stomach of steel some may say... but I have never, in my entire life, felt as crappy as I did for those two months straight. Because of my new-found super power of smelling, even things I have never smelled before made me wanna hurl.  And we're not talking, like, "Ooooh, I'm a little nauseous, hold on, it will pass", we're talking "all day and night, bed/couch-ridden, gripping the covers, leaving nail marks on cushions, hold on for your life because it feels like it's never gonna pass" kinda nausea.  And they keep telling you it will get better.  Everyone does.  Your doctor, the nurse, your family... everyone.  Pretty much anyone who's ever been pregnant, will, when you tell them that you've been having morning sickness (all day and all night long!), launch into their experience with it, and then, they end their way too long story with some variation of "but afterward I realized it really wasn't that bad, you'll be fine..."  What?!  Are you really trying to downplay how miserable I am while simultaneously telling me I will be fine?  Yes, I know it will be fine!  I am aware that eventually I will no longer feel sick.  However, that time is not now, and right now I feel like poop.  So please stop telling me it will be fine, ok?  Instead, just nod your head understandingly, and commiserate with me.  Ok?  Ok.  #dontarguewithasickpregnantlady, #morningsicknessisaveryeffectivedietplan
• The Funny:  Ok, but really, now that the nausea has (mostly) subsided, I can see a little humor in this.  I mean, life is good, my toilet had never been cleaner, my purse had never been more full of snacks, and I caught up on every single show.  Ever.  Like, every show there ever was. Ever.

Acne:

• The Good:  If you've ever been really concerned that someone might mistake you for some young beautiful model, this will most definitely NOT happen to you while preggo.  So.  You have that going for you...
• The Bad:  Ooooooooooh the acne... I know, I know, some people have this every day of their lives, but this isn't something I've had to deal much with throughout my life, so it was a very unwelcome visitor.  Ugh, GROSS.  Some people have it much worse, I get that, but it's just that you feel so greasy! All.Of.The.Time.  Calling all emergency responders, oil slick Kelly has just arrived!
• The Funny:  I single-handedly refilled the oil tank of my 2001 Corolla by wringing out my facial towel over the hood of the car.  Ok, not really... too far? 

Alright, have I complained enough? :)  I know, this is pretty lame to talk about (esp if babyland really isn't on your radar), but I do think someone should be open and honest about feeling icky, and not just the "beautiful" and "glowy" moments of pregnancy.

All of that said, we are eternally thankful for this baby.  I would do this all over again, even 1000 times worse, just for this child.  Thank God for the miracle called life!

Afterall, the rest of our lives are going to be filled with the good, the bad and the ugly (and funny!), at least this has a pretty gosh darn good outcome!

Moments of Definition

We all have defining moments in life.  Some of them are big.  Monstrous even.  And some of them are so small that they are forgotten about until a future happening reflects back on their true significance.

Some defining moments I look back on with pride and some with disappointment... disappointment in myself and in knowing that I was capable of so much better.

One of those defining moments was recently, and, in true Kelly-life fashion, was a swift kick in the pants from God.

I usually get along with pretty much everyone.  I love people, I love being social (minus the closet introvert in me), and I love spending time getting to know others.  If you had asked me a couple of weeks ago if I had any enemies I would have laughed in your face.  But a recent event made me re-think what the term enemy really means. I've always considered it as a pretty dramatic term.  I mean, outside of rom coms and frenemies, who has an actual enemy these days?  That's like, soooooooooooo 90's :)   I can't think of a single person that I hate or wish truly bad things about.  That's just not the way that I roll.  But when I really stopped to think about it, an enemy isn't someone who you spend all day and night scheming against, or planning the ultimate demise of.  I think an enemy is someone who you genuinely do not hope the best for.  Which actually cuts me to the core.

If I'm honest with myself - truly, brutally honest - how many people out there do I genuinely not hope the best for?  Who in my life do I look at and just think "ugh"?  Well, there aren't too many, but there are a few.  And in my book, a few is way too many.

God calls us to love everyone, right?  I was pretty much born at church, and haven't left it much since, so you'd think I'd have this one down.  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...  See, love is a pretty general term... and thus, I realized I'd conveniently changed it in my mental vocab to meaning "tolerate" for those that I have a hard time dealing with.  And tolerate certainly doesn't sound like I'm hoping the best for them, now does it?  Yeah, prolly not.  Oofta!  Now if that isn't a big pill to swallow I don't know what is.

Oh Corinthians 13, you get me every darn time...

So my epiphany left me with a choice.  This could be a defining moment.  If I let it.  And so, I refuse to have enemies.  I do not have the luxury of having those in my life that I do not hope the best for.  But I cannot do this alone, I need God's help.

This time the defining moment was one that I hope to look back on with a big smile on my face.  Loving won't mean tolerate, and enemies will be no more.  I will hope the best for each person that I encounter in my life.  And for those that it doesn't come so easy with... well, that's where prayer comes in :)

I'll be marketing my new product "Enemy-B-Gone" soon, so keep your eyes open for it! ;)

And baby makes three...

Betcha never thought that we'd have kids, huh? :)  Well, there's a first time for everything!

I've always said that you will never hear any news on this blog before you would hear it from me, and I think that rings true with our surprise baby news, right?

I'm not really the type of gal to go super in depth with baby talk.  If you know me at all, or read this blog, you know that I'm not really the "aww, it's a baby" girl, and my maternal instincts are often lacking.  You also probably know that because I don't exactly swoon over babies, my (our) desire to have a child has been about building a family, and not a severe case of the baby crazies (maybe more like fear of baby cooties...?).

And because you know all of this, and you know I don't typically babble on about baby stuff (ok, I DO babble, but not about this), I'm going to ask for a little bit of leniency just this once.  I'd like you to indulge me for just a few minutes... Why?  Because this is pretty much the biggest adventure (other than marriage) that Ryn and I have ever embarked upon, and I think I should at least do Baby Lindstedt justice by sharing some fun details about our journey so far.  So read on, or don't, either is fine with me :)

1. Baby Lindstedt is due Feb 2014... we're hoping it's not on the 14th, because that is a birthday that no kid will EVER live down! :)
2. We're praying for a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby.  It's been a bit of a bumpy ride so far, but we're choosing to live in God's peace and grace (as if there's any other way to make it through! :))
3. We'll be finding out Baby L's gender (hopefully!) in two and a half weeks.  Boy or girl, doesn't matter to us, just a healthy lil' peanut is our goal!  The Lindstedt and Alsdurf patriarchs are at odds with their guesses - the Rando thinks it's a boy, Dan-the-man thinks it's a girl, so the question is, who will win the martini bet?!  
4. We're preparing for this new adventure with a lot of prayer! Ry is a "take it as it comes" personality type, and I tend to be more of the "planner" type, so we are striving to live in the present each day, be thankful for this opportunity, and not get stressed out about the future.
5. We know that having a baby will change us, and for the better, but one thing that we are very set on is not letting a baby change our support and love of one another, our commitment to our friends, family, and community, or our dedication to our relationship with God.  We know there will be a lot of change, much of which we probably can't even fathom at this point.  However, we don't want having a baby to dictate how we live the rest of our lives.  Instead we want to focus on how God uses change to grow us and how this baby will be a part of that... and of course treasure our chance to be parents! 

Alright, I think that's enough baby-babbling for now!  Thanks for your love, support and prayers, we deeply appreciate them - all three of us :)

Brave

A couple of months ago I took my first ever yoga class.  Walking in my knees were knockin', and it wasn't from excitement...

I think its safe to say that most folks suffer from some form of social anxiety at one time or another.  Mine is strongly related to perfectionism. I don't like trying new things in public, because I want to do them perfectly, and I know I'll screw it up.  I don't want anyone to see me fall on my face and knock over all of the "downward dogs" next to me like a set of bizarre human yoga dominos... Phew, what a nightmare!

Maybe some of you grew up playing sports, but I've never been very talented in that area, and my recent endeavor into the world of physical fitness has centered on running and weight lifting, neither of which require, well, you know... grace.  So, needless to say, taking a yoga class was very far out of my comfort zone and required quite a bit of bravery.  A sorta silly kind of bravery (what kind of an adult is afraid of yoga?!?), but bravery none the less.

Sometimes, I think we psych ourselves out.  We become aware, or we've been told, that we are not good at something.  And based on that knowledge, or supposed knowledge, we make a decision.  We decide to 1) try to become better at that thing, or 2) avoid it all together - because who wants to expend the effort of trying and still end up failing?

I don't know about you, but I often tend to fall into that second category.  And I've got news for you, that second category?  Yeah, that's all about fear.

Do we let our fears make our decisions for us?  Maybe.  And if so, what a tragic way to live!  And certainly not brave.

But what is brave?  Putting on a brave face when things get tough?  Nah, that's just putting up a front.  In fact, I think many of the times I've thought, during the moment, that I was being brave, I was actually just faking it 'til I made it.  So, bravery?  Well, I might be wrong, but it seems to me that "bravery" is not the antonym of "fear".  In fact, I think the two are often sharing the same space simultaneously in our brains.  Why?  Because fear is a feeling, something that comes naturally when we feel threatened.  That feeling is not the problem, it's whether we allow it to continue, and even control, how we live our lives.  And bravery, I believe, is just making a choice to trust God with that fear, and do the very best that we can in each situation.  And really, what requires more bravery than trust?

Not to mention, I think it's pretty apparent that God wants to reassure us that fear is something that we need to hand over to Him, considering how many times "fear not" is said in the bible (over 100 times!).

So, be brave friends, and lean on an everlasting and ever-loving God!

The Bargain = If + Then

Life is full of unknowns.

When things are not in our control, especially the things that are near and dear to our hearts, it's terribly hard to feel so helpless.  And in the midst of that helplessness, many times we reach out to God for some semblance of peace.  True seeking after God in times of duress is an unspeakably beautiful thing.  However, often times, we choose not to demonstrate our faith in Him - we bargain.

Instead of living in the reality that our Savior loves us deeply and that He is caring for each one of our needs, we immediately launch into an "if/then" equation.  "If" you do this for me, "then" I will do _______(fill in the blank).  And so the bargaining begins...

The problem with the "if/then" equation is that it is not based on faith or trust. It's a business deal.  If you watch Sons of Anarchy you know what I'm talkin' bout (a lil' WT, I know :)).  They have like 45 bargains/deals happen every single episode.  It's exhausting, really.

Don't get me wrong, the bible actually has quite a few examples of biblical folks bargaining with God, and I'm not saying that baring the desires of your heart to God is not a good idea.  Far from it!  Please do express your heart to Jesus, He wants deeply to hear you and fulfill the desires of your heart.  Instead, what I am getting at, is that when we try to bargain with God, most of the time without realizing it, we are trying to manipulate God into giving us what we want by offering Him something that we think He desires.

Oofta, that stings, huh?  It slapped me upside the head pretty good, but maybe you're better at this whole life thing than I am and you've already got this part down :)  Wow, so I am trying to manipulate God into giving me what I want... whew, that's bad.  But when I stop and think about what the desire of my heart actually is, it's not bad at all.  Unfortunately, the end doesn't justify the means, as much as we'd like it to.

Alright, so how do I do this right?  Are you thinking what I'm thinking Pinky?  (No, no, Brain, we don't get to take over the world...)

Ok, f'reals though.  How do I a) express my heart to Jesus, b) lay down my burdens, c) trust that He is taking care of me, d) have faith that no matter what the outcome that it is all being worked together for good AND e) not go insane?  Umm, well, sorry folks, I can't wrap this one up with a pretty little bow.  Unfortunately, I don't think that there is any "easy" button to this part of life, we just have to keep doing it, over and over.

Is it scary to let go of our imaginary control over the situation?  Absolutely.  Are we doing ourselves any good by trying to hold onto it? Of course not.  Does it make it any easier to let go?  Not a chance.

I can't offer you promises or a map of your future, but I can say that if we let it, peace will always prevail.  Just take a minute to rest in His grace and know that it really, really is going to be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Blessings friends!

Two Reflections Into One

Marriage is a funny business.

Ryn's campus pastor in Bzmn was full of many words of wisdom, some of which regarded the tricky topic of the "two becoming one".  Paraphrasing, he said that marriage is like holding up a mirror to yourself.  It is a beautiful thing to behold, but it also shows you exactly where you are lacking, magnifies your faults, and showcases where you need to grow... infinitely.

The current King of Pop, JT, had some recent words of wisdom in one of his new songs that I love called "Mirrors."  If you haven't checked it out yet, it's definitely worth a YouTube search (the music video... well, get ready for a few tears ya'll :)).  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJeV9H8SGdg

Marriage is hard.  But I feel like a lot of folks say marriage is difficult because of what it requires of them, not because of what it pushes you to see in yourself.

My husband is amazing.  He is strong when it counts the most, humble when hearts are breaking, and courageous... always.  He is able to read a moment, a room, and a soul.  He is the other half of my heart, my reflection.

When I met my soulmate I was 19, and a lot of giggles and hacky sack were involved, but I'll tell you what never came into the picture - fear.  My husband has always blessed me with the gift of safety.  He is not my savior, but other than the Lord, he is the refuge for my heart. (Ok, ok, lovey-dovey tangent over :))

The day that we got married our pastor, in front of tons of peps, told us that "The world needs your marriage."  It may seem a bit narcissistic, but I will never forget those words.  Not because they were about us, not because it was a superb sermon (though it was! And we were incredibly blessed!), not because it was our wedding day, and not because those words have been incredibly influential to the way that we've lived our 4+ years of marriage.  I remember them because they were true.  For us and for every married couple out there

So why is our/your marriage so important?  Because Satan hates marriage.  Do you know why?  100 points if you do! :)  He despises this union because it is the human version of Christ's relationship with us, His bride.  In a world full of sin and pain, marriage, the ultimate commitment (and therefore the most sacrificial love), is always under spiritual attack.  Why wouldn't it be?  God designed marriage to be a worldly example of His love for us.  What better way to confuse/distract/discourage us than to smear the reflection of His love intended to shine through in our daily lives?

Now, is all marital strife due to Satan's attacks?  No, of course not.  We live in a fallen world, and we are fallen people, full of flaws.  Naturally, when you bring together two independent adults who are capable of screwing things up royally, you are going to hit a few potholes.  Because of that marriage is fraught with doubt, fear and sometimes pain.  But, what I'm talkin' 'bout is beyond that.  True, heart-wrenching, marriage-ending despair.  That is not of God.

I know what you're thinking... but no, I'm not gonna be that younger married chick that acts like she's got it all figured out.  Both Ryn and I know that we have a long road ahead of us (hopefully another 70+ years!), and I'm sure many uphill battles.  But I know what I do have figured out, and that's that our marriage is not about us.  It's not about him, it's not about me, and it's not even about our love for one another.  It's about the world.  It's about what God has for our lives, how we can minister to those around us, and how we can be a living, breathing example of how much He loves each one of His children.

And I can't think of a better reason to make our marriage the very best that it can possibly be.

Yes, there will be pain.  Yes, it will be hard.  And yes, there will be moments where you can hear hearts breaking.  But when you say "I do", you're saying yes to all of the good, and the bad... sickness and health, and all that jazz.  And that's an adventure that I am excited by each and every day.

Let me say it again, "The world needs your marriage."

Let it sink in.  The world needs your marriage.  Not mine, not the next door neighbors, but YOUR marriage.  Please let that be encouragement (and not a guilt trip :))

You matter.  Your marriage matters.  It is the legacy that you leave this world with.

We are so grateful to those in our lives that have prepared the way for us, and have inspired our marriage to be more than just about us. Timbo and Brad - you have no idea the impact that you've had... "thank you" just does not do it justice.

"So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."  Matthew 19:6

My.Own.Worst.Enemy.

Sometimes I think that we are our own worst enemies.

If you've ever done any introspection, read a self-help book, or spent a lil' time thinking about the future, you've prolly discovered a few inconsistencies between what you value and how you actually live your life.  Or maybe I am alone in this struggle? :)

I spent a wonderful weekend with two of the most incredible women that I know.  They breathe life into my tired soul, make me laugh so hard that I cry, and cry so hard that I have to laugh (Chels quote).  It's hard to imagine my life without these two ladies, and yet, they live 900 miles and 2000 miles away from me.  This means two things (if not more)...
1. I must love them a lot, because our relationships have been primarily long-distance for the many years that we have been friends.
2. Because we are so far away from one another, our friendships are sustained primarily by phone, email, text and FB.

That said, here's what you need to know about me.
1. I am an introvert - meaning that I re-charge my energy by spending time alone, not with others.  Because of that, alone time is crucial for my sanity, and spending time with others, no matter how much I love them, can be draining (i.e. email, phone, text, FB, etc).
2. My primary love language is quality time (The Five Love Languages book).

What the heck?!  Why would these two things be a part of the same person?  This doesn't make sense!  Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor? :)

These two things creates a huge conflict in my life.  Thus, being my own worst enemy.

I want to spend time with those that I love, because it's how I show them how much I care for them, but at the same time, it often leaves me feeling totally beat.  In the past, this has ended poorly, because when I am drained, the thing that I need most is some down time to just chill, but that can leave my friends feeling totally left out of my life.

Don't get me wrong, introverts still LOVE people and spending time with them!  It's not like every moment is torture, it's just that they need some time to re-coup from all of the craziness :)

The good part is that I have incredibly amazing friends and family who understand my unending struggle, and have grace with me, because they know that the time that I spend with them is my way of demonstrating my love, even if it's not as much, or as often, as they would like. They value me, and so they are willing to put up with my "flakiness" (nickname in highschool, and accordingly dedicated song, Jack Johnson's "Flake").

Like I said, this weekend I spent some amazing quality time with two amazing women - and their actions, and the way that they live life, challenged me deeply (as it always does).  Do I live my live according to the values that I hold so highly?

The answer is a big fat "Nope".  Sad, but true.

I need to give up more of my life.

Do I need to sacrifice all of the alone time that I crave so much?  No.  But, do I need to push myself further to make sure that I am giving those in my life that I love, the time and attention that they need and deserve?  Yes.

I want to live the way that God has called me to.  After all, He knows better than anyone what my strengths and weaknesses are.  He knows my heart and He knows my sacrifices.

And the thing is, if we don't sacrifice for those that we love, is it really His love, or just convenient worldly love?  (Clarification: Spending time with loved ones does not mean a sacrifice :)

I refuse to live selfishly.  I want to make everyone feel as valued as they possibly can be.

So, "Worst Enemy", do your best, you won't win against this girl!

Take Care

I have no doubt that some of you will agree with the content below and some of you will vehemently not agree with it.  That's okay, I don't intend to convince you, it's not about that, it's just something to think about...

Being a chick, at times, is hard.  (I think if you're a girl, you'll agree with this part.)

Being a wife, at times, can be really challenging.  (I think if you're a girl and married, you'll also agree with this part.)

Being a woman and feeling attractive ALL of the time is a nearly impossible feat. (I think if you're a girl, and if you've ever had a "my outfit just doesn't look right" day, a breakout day, a fat day, or any kind of other "ugh, I just want to hide in a hole" kind of day, you'll prolly agree with this part.)

If you said "yup!" to any of the above, you'll fully understand when I say the following:  Sometimes, being a woman really sucks!

Yeah, I said it, and I don't regret it, but don't forget I put it in the context of the statements listed above.  It can be really hard to feel as though you are constantly on display, required to look beautiful, and any deviation from that is critiqued or commented upon (Kim Kardashian's pregnancy weight anyone? [BTW - NOT a Kardashian fan, and don't like her at all actually, just don't feel like the scrutiny is fair]), by anyone and everyone, and unfortunately is fairly commonplace and not (necessarily) considered rude.  So yeah, it sucks.

But, I'm gonna forego that whole convo, because anyone who picks up a gossip magazine or has walked in a girl's shoes (stilettos? :)) knows that, and it doesn't need re-hashing, I will leave that part up to my uber-feminist friends.   (Note: I know that being a dude is pretty hard too, so don't get me wrong, we all have our struggles, neither is "harder", but I can't speak 'bout being a guy, so I'll let that be covered by some of my sups awesome men friends!)

What I want to talk about is taking care of yourself.  As a woman.

I don't know who you are or where you are at in life.  You may be single, married, pregnant, widowed, divorced, or any combination of those particular statuses (statusi?).  It doesn't really matter to me.  What I care about is you taking care of yourself.

For some reason the term "taking care of yourself" has become controversial, as if it's some misogynist phrase that has worked it's way into our culture.  Instead, I would propose, that it is exactly what it says, care of oneself, and considering the details that I listed above, it can be difficult to do that as a woman, and still be considered attractive.

What I am talking about is making sure that your body, mind, soul and heart are being cared for - by you.  You cannot expect anyone to take care of you if you're not willing to take care of yourself.  No one can save you from yourself, nor should they.

When I was younger I had this romantic notion of being saved from myself, my bad habits, my unlove for my own body, serious lack of confidence, and inability to see beauty in myself.  What a tragic notion.  Love cannot save us, unless it's loving ourselves.

I am not a "women power" kinda girl, so please don't think that this is the direction of my post.  What I am trying to say is that we need to take care of ourselves.  Don't lose weight, exercise, stop smoking, drinking too much, binge eating, or any other unhealthy habit because of your relationship status (meaning how you are in relationship with others), single, mother, wife, etc.  Those decisions are based on things that could change.  They are not based on caring for you because you value your own self.

If you've read this blog you know my thoughts on beauty, so don't think that this is about appearances.  I don't care if you're overweight, underweight, plain, gorgeous, or any other descriptive word.  I care about you and how you live your life.  If you are taking care of yourself, in the top four (body, soul, mind and heart), then I believe that you will be "healthy".  You may not look like a model, act like a nun, or feel like a goddess, but goshdarnit, who does?!

If we're honest, most of the things we beat ourselves up over are not based on our emotions or convictions, they are based on the opinions or comments of others.  How can we possibly live up to that?  Answer: We can't.  No one is perfect.  And making major life choices based on those opinions or comments will not help us, nor will they be sustainable.  If you need to stop doing something (or start doing something) to become healthier, then do it, not because of anyone else, but because you are worth it (thank you L'Oreal! :))

We need to make healthy choices for ourselves first, and always.  That said, we also do owe it to our loved ones to make healthy choices.  No woman is an island.  Do not try to convince yourself that the poor or unhealthy choices that you make will not affect those in your life.  That should not be a guilt trip, because like I said before, that will not help your convictions, it's just simply a reality.

So here's my thang: I owe my husband a healthy (mind, body, heart, soul, and spiritually), life-long, loving and kind partner.  I owe my family and friends a lifetime with the best possible version of me that I can be. My body is not my own, it was a gift from God, and I strive to live accordingly.

You don't have to agree with me, I said that before, I just ask you to think about it.  You don't have to lose that last 5lbs (who's counting anyway?), you just need to be able to look in the mirror and know that you are doing your best to take care of yourself, and because of that, you are better able to care for those that you love.

Take care my beautiful chicas, you deserve it.

The Home My Parents Made

My parents never built a house.  But they did build a home.

I look back at a childhood full of amazing memories and incredible experiences.  I look back at a teen-hood full of friends constantly at our house, raiding our fridge and spending way too much time in front of my parents' TVs and on their couches.  I look at an adulthood full of awesome holidays, super delicious food and great family time.  My parents have built a home to be proud of.

I have two brothers.  Three kids my parents have "raised", (four in total), but as I am sure would be seconded (and thirded), there are many other kids that my parents have unofficially raised, or assisted in the raising of.  Maybe even countless amounts... All of these kids have felt that my parents house was one of their homes.  And now my parents have an additional son (Ryn), and we are sooo very excited to finally add a woman (and sister!) to this Alsdurf brood with Jerilyn!  My parents have so many children I don't think that they can possibly deal with all of them! We're a lil' cray, but I don't think that's a surprise to anyone :)

But to get back to the main point - my parents have built a home.  There are some people who put stock in their stuff, their car, their career, or even a house.  My parents never put much stock in any of those things - sure, they taught us to be hard working, fiscally responsible and dedicated to our jobs, but they never honored those things above what counts.  More importantly they taught us to be loving, considerate, kind, Jesus-lovin' adults... they taught us never to shirk from our responsibilities, but also never to rely on just ourselves, to lean on the only One who can save us.  They put stock in building a home (not a house), a family, and a heritage of faith.

I'm not a parent, but I s'pose someday I will be.  I hope that when I am, that I am able to follow in such amazing footsteps.  The most wonderful part of having such an awesome family and incredible parents who have blessed you beyond words with their admirable lives, is that they've left you this unmistakably clear path, a treasure map, for the future.

Let it never be said that they saying "history repeats itself" is a negative thing.  Repeating history is a choice, and I am privileged to be able to walk in the footsteps my parents have created.

Thanks Mom and Dad - you are truly the best. Ever.

Life Lessons From Dawson's Creek

I wasn't much of an angst-y TV show watcher in my younger years (Now? Uh, ummm, yeah...).

I didn't really get into that kinda stuff back then, it always seemed like I had enough drama in my own life to keep me busy :)  But, in college, my dear friend Bernie introduced my bestie Hil and I to Dawson's Creek, the epitome of late '90's early 2000's teen turmoil and romantic craziness. Sadly, the year that we began watchin' DC, was also it's final year... but that didn't stop us!  We spent many much-needed study hours throughout our first year of college in our Morris dorm rec room glued to the TV with rented DVD seasons of DC.  My grades freshman year may or may not reflect this certain pastime, but I will never tell.

As a full-grown adult, this should be an embarrassing revelation, but I'm not ashamed, because as silly as it sounds, I actually learned a lot during my first year of college, and very little of it had to do with the classes that I attended.   I hate to say it (mostly because of the presence of my never-ending student loans), but some of my my most perfect life-learnings that first year were through this show and the friends that I watched it with.

How can you regret something like that?

Feeling a little nostalgic after my 10 year high school reunion last spring, I found all 6 (stellar!) seasons of DC on Amazon Prime and decided I'd watch just a few.  Just a few turned into much more, and now almost a year later, I have finished watching the entirety of the creek and all of it's glory.

For most other nearly-30-year-old women, this would be ridiculous to announce to the world.  Luckily, most of the world does not read this blog (ha ha, suckers!), and how can I be ashamed of once again having learned a few lessons along the way? And because I know that many of you have never, and will never, condone this type of television indulgence, I'm gonna highlight a few things for you.  Maybe you'll see a little bit of baby-college-Kelly, or maybe you'll see a little bit of "Oh-my-gosh-is-that-a-gray-hair...??-oh-thank-God-it's-just-blonde"-adult-Kelly in these tiny nuggets of truth, but either way, I hope that they make you smile.

- For a supposedly "poor" girl, Joey Potter has a LOT of coats.  Like, f'reals.
- Life is not like the movies (or the TV shows).
- "It's not about knowing what's right, it's about knowing when it's wrong and doing something about it."
- I forgot that Joshua Jackson was actually a good actor (cough, cough, Fringe?).
- With all of the studs that Katie Holmes kissed on this show, how in the world did she end up with Tom Cruise?!?
- "Dreams come true, not free."
- Apparently, in order to properly end a popular teen show, you must kill off one of the main characters (why Jen, why?!?)
- "A soulmate is like a best friend, but more. It's someone who knows everything about you and makes you a better person.  No, actually, they don't make you a better person, you do that yourself, but you do it because they inspire you to be better.  It's the one person who knew you, believed in you and accepted you before anyone else did, or would, and no matter what happens, you will always want the best for them."
- 90's soundtrack songs will always rock. Forever and ever.
- Hope springs eternal.
- Dawson is a ugly crier. We're talkin' end of the world, full throttle, "U-G-L-Y, you ain't go no alibi" ugly.

Memory lane is a fun place to take a leisurely drive every once in a while, just make sure that it's not your daily commute...

Anyone up for a Dawson's reunion? :)

Maybe Today You Can Put The Past Away

You know how in movies you always know when someone is gonna die?  They either totally villainize (word?) someone, or completely cast them in this angelic light (crazy, cuz, in a way, isn't that tryin' to show where they're gonna go when they die...?), I mean, we're talkin' soft-lense filters on the cameras even.  The second you see that filter, it's like "Oh man, crap is gonna get real and that dude is gonna die yo!"

Life isn't like that so much.  Not the whole death and soft-lense stuff, but I really do think that when we look back at certain "scenes" from our lives, it's pretty apparent what God was doin' and why He was doin' it.

My past is weird.  But so is everyone else's I guess.

I feel like I've learned so many things over my 29 years... Each day is new, complete with adventures and opportunities, reasons to become better than the day before.

The scared little girl who hid in the shadows of others, thrived in the realm of passive aggressive behavior/drama (in both relationships and life), and never really knew what she wanted is gone.  Someone else has taken her place.

Our pasts can debilitate us if we let them, but it's up to us to choose the future.  We are not victims, we are not witnesses, we are protagonists.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The thing is though, that because of my past, I've often viewed God as a judge.  I have done some pretty dumb crap in my life, many things that I regret and wish I could take back.  If I'm honest, the moments in which I've thought "I'm totally gonna get punished for this..." have often been in my past.  Not because I'm an exceptionally bad person (is anyone?/aren't we all?), but because guilt can take root in many forms, even if it is the residual kind.

What is not a part of my "Past + Guilt = I Suck" equation is grace.  It's pretty apparent from the verse above that Jesus has my back, He does not see me as a hopeless cause, someone who cannot change, or a complete waste of His time.  He's sees me as redeemed, worthy, and someone whom He loves.

What's great about this is that (besides the fact that, boy, do I need grace!) it can lead my into a new and renewing perspective of myself.  I do not have to live as someone is who is condemned to a set way of living, expecting certain failures, or that I must be bound to do wrong at some point.

Everyone I know has got a reason to say - "put the past away."

You can't hide from your past, nor should you, it's a part of who you are, but it's okay to put it away and focus on becoming who He meant you to be. Excited to see the plans enfold for all of us - He's got some pretty awesome stuff in store, I'm sure of it!

Pride ( <------ Before------> ) Fall

Yesterday was an epic failure.

The house was a mess, laundry to be done, dishes piled high, projects left unfinished, work was unproductive, and I finished exactly 7 minutes of my 30 minute workout.

Stellar.

As my youth pastor used to say, "It was a 'curse the cat and kick the dog' kind of day!" (Ironically, to my knowledge, he never had either of those pets, but it's a great saying either way :))  Just to clarify, I neither kicked nor cursed any living thing, but there may be a few inanimate objects that I owe an apology to t'day...

So, this morning I woke up with a new attitude and a fresh perspective.  I was going to conquer today!  This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it, and all that jazz...   I made coffee, breakfast, and even took my vitamins - this day was gonna rock!

I was stoked for the fresh snow fall, but it had drifted up onto our garage door and I was a lil' nervous about trying to get out since my 'rolla barely "rolls" these days.  However, here's what you need to know about me: I'm an awesome driver.  I know that this may be hard to believe considering my constant ADHD and incredibly uneven thought-to-speak ratio, but I aced my behind the wheel test, and haven't stopped rockin' a driver's seat since!

Unfortunately, pride comes before the fall.

In my defense, I was right, this day was gonna rock - and so was my tiny car - as I gunned the gas to get it out over the snow, slid into the garage, hard, and lost my beloved passenger side mirror.  And not just a little bit, like, broke it the heck off.  Gone-zooooooo.



The thing is, while I still maintain that I am a great driver (duh!), every day is not a win.  Statistically, they just can't be.  And really, they prolly shouldn't be.  Right?  Can you imagine the amount of pride we would struggle with if we never had an off day?

Some days, we pretty much fail, but that's not what's important - it's when we get up the next morning and run our cars into the garage - I mean, uh, rock it!

And while my driver's pride is a bit wounded at the sight of the sad picture above, I am not above admitting when I am wrong.   God is good, and while He may occasionally let us fail, He won't let us fall (car mirrors aside, of course).

Happy snow day friends, enjoy the (snow) fall!

Eye Of The Beholder

Beauty.

It's a funny word when you think about it.  That word conjures up something very specific in each person's mind, but usually is not the same to each person.  You know what beauty means, the word that is, maybe even the definition, but how it may "look" to you could (and likely may) be entirely different to the person sitting next to you.

What do I think?

I think beauty is a joke.  It's a cruel joke, but a joke nonetheless.  We live in a time and age in which the idea of beauty has become so corrupted, so very grotesque, that it is almost too depressing to think about.

Pretty much anyone in any magazine (minus National Geographic :)) has been altered in one way or another.  Almost every woman you see in the grocery store, Target, or on the street, has been done up in one way or another.  Make-up, fake nails, cellulite cream, stretch mark faders, false eyelashes, hair extensions and hair removers, fake bake, tummy-tuck, hair dye, anti-aging everything, teeth whitened/brightened/or just plain fake, botox, boob job, and the list could go on and on (and on and on...).

Natural... what's that?  Now don't get me wrong, I don't have a vendetta against any of the things listed above.  Some of them I have not only done, but genuinely enjoy.  But my point is, it's all just a joke, none of it is real, it's all just perception.  A carefully placed mirage.  An act.

There is little that I love more than to spend some good quality time gettin' all dolled up for a special occasion.  It's the best!  But it needs to be grounded in the reality that none of those things make up the real us, instead they are everything but that...

We are whole.  Without any additives, or any other "tives".  It's fun to have a fancy night, or if you like to do it every day, great, you are more motivated than I am!  Vanity becomes a problem when the illusion has taken the place of the reality.  Somehow a make-up-less face starts to be looked upon with great disdain, an ivory skin tone instead of tanned, or freckles uncovered, is something to be ashamed of, a few jiggles of cellulite are the bain of an existence... when those things become truth, that is when it has gone too far.  From playing dress up, to when the desire for beauty became a god, something that defines who you are.

When it really comes down to it, the whole "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" thing is pretty interesting.  It's basically saying that you define beauty.  Or possibly more, maybe even that we must have certain qualities in ourselves to properly "see" beauty.  A self-absorbed, pompous, or vain person is likely to look at everyone around and not see any beauty in them, because they believe that they are the most beautiful of all (mirror, mirror, on the wall...), it is what they "behold", but it is certainly not true.  Conversely, those who have true beauty inside of them are fully capable of both seeing and acknowledging the beauty in others.  Even better, they are not threatened by it!  What a truly wonderful thing, a gift and a treasure.

True beauty isn't a joke, but remember that everything on the outside is a farce.  We all wear a mask, but don't forget what's underneath... what really matters. 

So smile that beautiful smile of yours proudly.  You are gorgeous no matter what, but don't feel guilty about putting on some lipstick, I won't tell :)  You're beautiful! (Christina Aguilera anyone?)

Warrior Princess (Xena-ed!)

I'm kinda like a dog (insert "yo face" jokes here).

With shopping, I'm a bloodhound, just gimme the scent, and I will bring you back exactly what you want, in the correct style, color, fit, length, AND clearance-priced (on a related note: I've tried for years to get TLC to create an extreme shopper show, of which I would, of course, be the host :))

With my attention my span, I'm an obnoxiously ADHD terrier puppy, that if not fully entertained at all times, will be massively destructive to every single thing in your home.  

With fighting, I'm a pitbull.  There's this thing with pitbulls (disclaimer: pits are good dogs, don't forget that!), they call it a "lock jaw", which is often misconstrued as having a locking mechanism in their jaw, but actually refers to the way that they fight.  Once a pitbull bites down, they do not let go.  That is how I fight.  I may let a lot of things go, but once I get to the point where I am pushed to fight, there is no going back, and I will not  rest until I've won.  I guess you could say "I ain't no holla back guuurrrrrrl!" Thanks Gwen :)

Fighting is such an interesting thing.  It's often seen as negative, but I'd like to focus on the positives right now.  There is such a thing as a good fight, and it's usually the kind of fighting that you do for those that you love, not for yourself.  Not romcom kinda fighting, but true, genuine, and heartfelt fighting.

It's more like warfare.

There are times in life when those that you care about cannot fight for themselves - they are unable, incapable, or simply unprepared to do so.  And when that type of situation presents itself I am a warrior(ess?).  I will Xena the heck out of that ish.  And I truly think that is a part of loving one another.  To fight for them when they cannot.  I hope it's clear, but just to ensure that you know what I mean exactly, I am talking about fighting the kind of thing that destroys life - self-doubt, depression, sadness, oppression... anything that embodies true harm.  These things are not of God, and therefore warrants the right kind of fighting.

I will fight for my my husband and his heart, my family, my friends, anyone and anything that I love (biblically everyone and everything...?)  But I will fight fairly and kindly, any other kind of fight is useless, because the impact of any other kind of fighting only invokes further pain, further destruction, which fixes nothing.

So the next time you're tempted to fight, hopefully for someone or something, think about why.  And if the "why" is important enough, the purpose being love, then consider the desired outcome - which should be peace, not retribution.  Once your head is wrapped around that concept it will revolutionize the way that you fight.  You will fight well, not un-lovingly.

So, yes, I am a bit of a dog (sorry cat-lovers :)). But most of time, I'm pretty proud of that fact.  And so are Bridger and Luna :)

I'll always tell you you're my friend, I hope I don't have to lie...

Apologies and frozen, mmmhmm.

For all intents and purposes I have been phone-less for the past 2-ish weeks.  The first week was a Mexican hiatus, the second week was due to my throwing my phone in the ocean (unintentionally) on said Mexican hiatus (and, in all fairness, the conversation being had when the aforementioned phone was thrown into ocean was totes worth the pain and heartache of the loss of my beloved phone [ask me lata yo]).  

Why is this important?  Thanks for asking, I like the way that you think!

I am an introvert, I loooooooooove my alone time (and still, you're thinking, what is the point lady? Get to it!)   But being without a phone left an enormous gap in my life (not just the one in my hand ;)), and definitely not because I missed technology.  It's sad, but the truth of the matter is that, these days, phones (minus FB and email) are one of our major connection points, how we talk to those that we love.  So based on my "phone-liness", I got to thinking about relationships.

It's funny (ironic, not haha) how fragile our friendships can be.  Some friends you can go years without speaking to and still feel just as close to.  And others, well, just one week passes and it seems like a lifetime... and not in a good way.  The trauma (of a phone-loss? ;)) that a friendship can sustain and still continue on is not really due to the strength on the relationship, but instead, the strength of the two individuals who make up that relationship.  

Why do some friendships fail, when others are so strong?

Of course there's really no answer to this, it's all dependent on the people and the particular relationships, but it just seems so crazy to me how connected we all are.  Or disconnected, depending on how you look at it.

Regardless, my lack of phone, in a time when cell phones are pretty much considered a "necessity", really gave me a sense of appreciating those that I love, the relationships that I have, and how I will do anything to keep them.  And not to brag, but my friends are pretty rockin', so they def much deserve most of my attention and adoration...

The point? Technology is pointless without relationships.  Love you friends, and cheers to my new Samsung S3, may it live forever ;)

Heart Pounding

You know that moment?  The one when you're finally old enough to take notice of the opposite sex, but not old enough to really understand the whole dating game, but you still take a step out in faith, and write a note to your crush, telling them in total middle-schooler-speak, just how you feel about them... Maybe your friends egged you on, maybe you just let your heart do the thinking instead of your head, but either way, you did it!  Do you remember that?  Do you remember how it felt?

I s'pose that moment is different for everyone - could be grade school, middle or even high school.  But either way, you know the feeling that I'm talking about: the rush of exhilaration, fear and hope coursing through you, in about the same ratio.  Those feelings were only made possible because of vulnerability.  Although your baby brain didn't likely understand that word at the time, without your willingness to be vulnerable and take a chance, you would not have had that heart-pounding-sick-to-your-stomach, circled "Yes" in the "Do you like me?" note, crush, or first kiss.  Even if the outcome of those things was not so great (what first love is?), that intense newness, being open to another, vulnerable to share your feelings, thoughts, love, that is a crucial thing.

Funny thing about being vulnerable though, it, like many other things in life, gets much harder as you age.  You develop scars, lose trust, and have some emotional baggage to boot.  Being open, honest, and truly vulnerable is no longer easy.  In fact, it has become a downright struggle.  

How do you continue to expose your heart when you have been hurt so many times before?  

The great brainiac, a brilliant man, Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  Well, Mr. Einstein, I hate to disagree, because I am fully aware that our IQs are about as differing as day from night, but I think the one thing that doesn't fit this equation of insanity is love (and therefore being vulnerable).  And to support my thesis, I will quote another pretty bad-ass dude: Paul.  

1 Corinthians 13:7  "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

Every circumstance.  Let me just say it again - EVERY circumstance.  Hopefully Paul will not be offended that I add a word into his oh-so-wise quote - every SINGLE circumstance.  

Love requires vulnerability.  It is hard, it is scary, and it will hurt.  But without it, you just won't be able to get it right.  And unlike Mr. Einstein's opinion, you will need to do it again, and again, and again... and the results?  Well, those are up to you.  

The thing that makes it bearable, is that this love, this openness, this scary chasm of crazy, doesn't need to be (and shouldn't be) breached by you and your love alone.  We are just not capable of that kind of selflessness.  Good thing that we have a God who is willing to lend us the amount of love that we need for ourselves, and the love that we need for others.

So, vulnerable it up yo - you got nothing to lose, but a heck-uv-a-lot to gain.