My.Own.Worst.Enemy.

Sometimes I think that we are our own worst enemies.

If you've ever done any introspection, read a self-help book, or spent a lil' time thinking about the future, you've prolly discovered a few inconsistencies between what you value and how you actually live your life.  Or maybe I am alone in this struggle? :)

I spent a wonderful weekend with two of the most incredible women that I know.  They breathe life into my tired soul, make me laugh so hard that I cry, and cry so hard that I have to laugh (Chels quote).  It's hard to imagine my life without these two ladies, and yet, they live 900 miles and 2000 miles away from me.  This means two things (if not more)...
1. I must love them a lot, because our relationships have been primarily long-distance for the many years that we have been friends.
2. Because we are so far away from one another, our friendships are sustained primarily by phone, email, text and FB.

That said, here's what you need to know about me.
1. I am an introvert - meaning that I re-charge my energy by spending time alone, not with others.  Because of that, alone time is crucial for my sanity, and spending time with others, no matter how much I love them, can be draining (i.e. email, phone, text, FB, etc).
2. My primary love language is quality time (The Five Love Languages book).

What the heck?!  Why would these two things be a part of the same person?  This doesn't make sense!  Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor? :)

These two things creates a huge conflict in my life.  Thus, being my own worst enemy.

I want to spend time with those that I love, because it's how I show them how much I care for them, but at the same time, it often leaves me feeling totally beat.  In the past, this has ended poorly, because when I am drained, the thing that I need most is some down time to just chill, but that can leave my friends feeling totally left out of my life.

Don't get me wrong, introverts still LOVE people and spending time with them!  It's not like every moment is torture, it's just that they need some time to re-coup from all of the craziness :)

The good part is that I have incredibly amazing friends and family who understand my unending struggle, and have grace with me, because they know that the time that I spend with them is my way of demonstrating my love, even if it's not as much, or as often, as they would like. They value me, and so they are willing to put up with my "flakiness" (nickname in highschool, and accordingly dedicated song, Jack Johnson's "Flake").

Like I said, this weekend I spent some amazing quality time with two amazing women - and their actions, and the way that they live life, challenged me deeply (as it always does).  Do I live my live according to the values that I hold so highly?

The answer is a big fat "Nope".  Sad, but true.

I need to give up more of my life.

Do I need to sacrifice all of the alone time that I crave so much?  No.  But, do I need to push myself further to make sure that I am giving those in my life that I love, the time and attention that they need and deserve?  Yes.

I want to live the way that God has called me to.  After all, He knows better than anyone what my strengths and weaknesses are.  He knows my heart and He knows my sacrifices.

And the thing is, if we don't sacrifice for those that we love, is it really His love, or just convenient worldly love?  (Clarification: Spending time with loved ones does not mean a sacrifice :)

I refuse to live selfishly.  I want to make everyone feel as valued as they possibly can be.

So, "Worst Enemy", do your best, you won't win against this girl!