yes, it's true, as much as it really shouldn't be as a christian, i have experienced unforgiveness. both as a lack-of-giver and as a receiver.
it's so interesting, this idea of unforgiveness. i've heard a lot recently, especially in my professional field, of those who have chosen to not let go - and all i can think of, every time i hear it, is how much that makes you a slave to another person...
but regardless, it make me ponder the importance of our words and actions.
for example. i have been on the receiving end of words or actions (and sometimes both), that i have determined are the end of a relationship. it's true, we are all different in what we decide as being the final straw, but there does become a point when enough is enough, we don't feel that we can take any more.
i have ended romantic relationships and friendships because i feel that what someone has said or done cannot be remidied, but they thought could be... interesting, right? we've all done things that we regret, but in addition to that, we've all done things that (most of the time after the fact), we think can be taken back, right? that an apology can fix. true? i think so. not always, but it seems like it, even if it's only from our own perspective. but from the other person's perspective, it can't be rectified.
there have been times when i've felt that, in fact, there is nothing that person can do to "make it better." they have hurt me too much or for too long. for the most part, i think that can be human nature, we can only handle so much. but i also think it's a healthy balance between what we are capable of forgetting about and what God will give us the grace to forgive. but just because we forgive does not mean that a relationship, in any form, is healthy to move forward in. like i said, i have ended relationships based on this.
emotions run high, and often times, tempers do as well. you may say or do something in the heat of the moment (which you may or may not truly mean) that you feel you can just apologize for in the future, that you think for whatever reason will not deeply affect the other person (or effectively gets your point across during a moment of passionate argument), but the other person sees only as hurtful. history and context mean a lot in these circumstances. as they probably should. did i accept their apology for their actions or words? yes. did it, ultimately, show their character/beliefs and therefore change my perspective of them? sometimes, yes. unfortunately it is very possible that you can do something that you think can be taken back (or fixed), in the future, but the other person does not feel the same way. for them, it's too late...
so we've prolly all been the un-forgiven, and we've prolly all been the un-forgiver at times. and i know for all intents and purposes, that truly, we should forgive everyone. those who we do not forgive only have a chain on our hearts, in a way that can only be released with forgiveness. we cannot be free without forgiving, and i mean the true kind of forgiving, not just the "ok, ok, i'm tired of this bugging me, so i'll just tell you that you're forgiven" or the always popular, "i'll forgive you in my mind, but not actually tell you because i don't want to have to talk to you about this cuz that would be too awkward or painful."
do we have to like it? nope. do we have to do it? yup.
that said, i really do believe that it's okay to forgive someone, but still feel as though you need to end the relationship. there is a season for everything, and while a specific situation or hurt should not be the defining reason for ending a relationship, sometimes it's just healthier for both individuals to move on. now i don't have exact spiritual verbiage on this one, and it might just be an informed opinion, so take it with a grain of salt, but sometimes i just think it's okay to say that it's time to let go. could i be wrong? certainly. have i asked too many self-answered questions in this post? absolutely :)
i guess what it comes down to is this: it's okay to say "goodbye", as long as you're uttered the words "i forgive you" (and meant it) beforehand. (insert the words "i reserve the right to be wrong" here) :)
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
you were the one worth leaving...?
the district sleeps alone tonight? or maybe not.
we've all been through it. friends who date and then break up. unfortunately it's a fact of life. there is nothing, as friends, that we can (and most of the time, should) do, but it still sucks.
now i don't mean to get overly sentimental here, cuz i get that breaking up is both "hard to do" and also a part of life, but truly, it is, at least at this point in life, difficult to adjust to as a friend.
i remember high school, and it was pretty much a never-ending hook-up then break-up cycle (and sometimes somewhere in between for extended periods of time). it is what it is. i'm neither defending or accepting the cycle, just pointing it out.
but once you get out of high school (and in some cases, college...), you realize (hopefully), that this is not the way to live life. it's not a super great life strategy - to date someone, dump them, immediately move on to the next person, date them, dump them, so on and so on... i admit, i look back on my dating history slightly embarrassed, even though i didn't have a boyfriend until 17, i'm fully aware that i dated far too many people for my own liking, and certainly there were a few in there i wish i could erase from memory :) history - nothing you can do about it, just move on, right? yup.
anyway, back to the point. i get that breaking up is a part of life, but what i refuse to agree with is that there is not a "right" way to do it. breakups bring out the worst in people, no doubt. but, that doesn't give you a free pass. and what comes out in those times really reaffirms your character (or lack thereof). can there ever be a "clean break"? maybe not, but i firmly believe that break-ups can be handled with integrity, honesty and respect for both individuals involved. anything less than that, even if you are hurt/angry/upset/over it, you are not really doing the other person justice. i mean, isn't this the person that you dedicated the past however-long-amount-of-time to? you must have thought pretty highly of them at one point right? and even if you don't now, it doesn't mean that you should treat them that way. i just don't get this idea that people can just be discarded, thrown away like an old towel. ugh, it just gets under my skin :(
so i've heard about a lot of friendships ending because of friends and/or friends of friends breaking up, and i never really got it. i mean, it's not me breaking up, so why should i care? if i love both people involved and they don't make me choose sides, why does it matter to me? sure, it sucks that they broke up, but i want them both to be happy so as long as they are moving forward that's good, right? later on in life i've found though, that is not always the case, unfortunately. sometimes, as a friend, you see a side of someone during a break-up that you can't un-see, as much as you would like to.
this isn't an unforgiveness thing. really, i mean, when you're just a friend, like i said before, for all intents and purposes you are unaffected by a breakup. sucks, yes. affects you, not really. but there are sometimes when the way that those friends act that drives you to picking. i'm not sayin it's right, or fair, but there are certain instances where it just feels like you have to follow one friend. right? maybe not? i'm not sure, but when i look back over the last several years i feel like it's happened to me, the picking part that is. maybe i'm alone in this situation... idk. it's a hard place to be in, and i wouldn't wish it on anyone, but maybe i'm not alone in the "one worth leaving" dilemma.
maybe i will call this the friend follower syndrome... thoughts? like i said, there's really no definite answer here, just some sadness that not everyone realizes that the way that they handle their personal lives really can affect their friendships as well. i guess all that we can do is love and support, and hope for the best, eh?
we've all been through it. friends who date and then break up. unfortunately it's a fact of life. there is nothing, as friends, that we can (and most of the time, should) do, but it still sucks.
now i don't mean to get overly sentimental here, cuz i get that breaking up is both "hard to do" and also a part of life, but truly, it is, at least at this point in life, difficult to adjust to as a friend.
i remember high school, and it was pretty much a never-ending hook-up then break-up cycle (and sometimes somewhere in between for extended periods of time). it is what it is. i'm neither defending or accepting the cycle, just pointing it out.
but once you get out of high school (and in some cases, college...), you realize (hopefully), that this is not the way to live life. it's not a super great life strategy - to date someone, dump them, immediately move on to the next person, date them, dump them, so on and so on... i admit, i look back on my dating history slightly embarrassed, even though i didn't have a boyfriend until 17, i'm fully aware that i dated far too many people for my own liking, and certainly there were a few in there i wish i could erase from memory :) history - nothing you can do about it, just move on, right? yup.
anyway, back to the point. i get that breaking up is a part of life, but what i refuse to agree with is that there is not a "right" way to do it. breakups bring out the worst in people, no doubt. but, that doesn't give you a free pass. and what comes out in those times really reaffirms your character (or lack thereof). can there ever be a "clean break"? maybe not, but i firmly believe that break-ups can be handled with integrity, honesty and respect for both individuals involved. anything less than that, even if you are hurt/angry/upset/over it, you are not really doing the other person justice. i mean, isn't this the person that you dedicated the past however-long-amount-of-time to? you must have thought pretty highly of them at one point right? and even if you don't now, it doesn't mean that you should treat them that way. i just don't get this idea that people can just be discarded, thrown away like an old towel. ugh, it just gets under my skin :(
so i've heard about a lot of friendships ending because of friends and/or friends of friends breaking up, and i never really got it. i mean, it's not me breaking up, so why should i care? if i love both people involved and they don't make me choose sides, why does it matter to me? sure, it sucks that they broke up, but i want them both to be happy so as long as they are moving forward that's good, right? later on in life i've found though, that is not always the case, unfortunately. sometimes, as a friend, you see a side of someone during a break-up that you can't un-see, as much as you would like to.
this isn't an unforgiveness thing. really, i mean, when you're just a friend, like i said before, for all intents and purposes you are unaffected by a breakup. sucks, yes. affects you, not really. but there are sometimes when the way that those friends act that drives you to picking. i'm not sayin it's right, or fair, but there are certain instances where it just feels like you have to follow one friend. right? maybe not? i'm not sure, but when i look back over the last several years i feel like it's happened to me, the picking part that is. maybe i'm alone in this situation... idk. it's a hard place to be in, and i wouldn't wish it on anyone, but maybe i'm not alone in the "one worth leaving" dilemma.
maybe i will call this the friend follower syndrome... thoughts? like i said, there's really no definite answer here, just some sadness that not everyone realizes that the way that they handle their personal lives really can affect their friendships as well. i guess all that we can do is love and support, and hope for the best, eh?
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
potty mouth girl(s)
it's a poopy world out there... literally.
if you've got a weak stomach or don't care much for potty talk, then stop reading now. f'reals. you will def not appreciate the following bathroom logistical speak. k? alright, you've been officially warned.
so, it's no secret that i work at a certain downtown location that has a lot of citizen visitors (and many who have had tiny run-ins with el lawo), and i'll be honest, some days it's not a pretty sight. i know there are lots of chicks who have a problem with PBs (public bathrooms). i'm not one of them, but i get it, i really do, it's gross, no doubt. lotsa germs, lotsa junk on the floor and lotsa crap (hehe). but most of these womens do not have to use PBs often, and certainly not on a daily basis. i am one of those lucky few who do... but i am also, however, one of the blessed ladies who has co-workers that try their best to make do with a bathroom shared by lotsa other women who don't give a gosh-darn what goes down in there (literally, really, and how many faux-puns can i come up with in one post?)... so we've got our lotions, our soaps, our coping mechanisms, and most importantly, our air freshener sprays (personally purchased with our own money, not tax-payers i might add). get where i'm goin here?
well, you've been sufficiently warned, so i don't feel bad 'bout what i'm gonna delve into next yo.
there is this chick, not just one of course, but a type of chick. she's that girl who doesn't wanna admit that girls poo. i know, i know, shocking! girls do hafta do that too, ya know, as unfortunate as it is.
now, i admit, i have some pretty legit potty humor in me, and honestly, think it can be pretty funny sometimes (thank you Bridesmaids, i nearly pee my pants laughing every time i watch it!). but what's not funny is "this chick." i know, you're embarrassed that you performed a #2 in a semi-public setting... this is not your home bathroom, or one you're used to, BUT for the love of all that is good, PLEASE, USE THE AIR FRESHENER!! you walk out, i walk in, please know that there is no doubt in my mind who left that rank smell!
the jig is up girl, please do not try and act like it wasn't you! no one cares, it's a human function, we all do it, but do not try to walk flippantly out of the bathroom without spraying... it's just unfair to all of us who come after you... (literally).
now, i admit, i have some pretty legit potty humor in me, and honestly, think it can be pretty funny sometimes (thank you Bridesmaids, i nearly pee my pants laughing every time i watch it!). but what's not funny is "this chick." i know, you're embarrassed that you performed a #2 in a semi-public setting... this is not your home bathroom, or one you're used to, BUT for the love of all that is good, PLEASE, USE THE AIR FRESHENER!! you walk out, i walk in, please know that there is no doubt in my mind who left that rank smell!
the jig is up girl, please do not try and act like it wasn't you! no one cares, it's a human function, we all do it, but do not try to walk flippantly out of the bathroom without spraying... it's just unfair to all of us who come after you... (literally).
yes, i know this is a gross topic, but it's a real issue! laugh laugh laugh, gag gag gag... some of us have to experience this all of the time and it stinks (hehehe). there is nothing worse (ok, lots of ('s in this post, but it's true, [yes, there are a few things worse; world hunger, death, etc.] but this is f'real, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarosssssssssssss!), than walking into a living nasal death trap.
k, end smelly rant here. not sayin, just sayin, if you're a "that chick", please remember the following chant: if caught in the fray, don't forget to spray :)
kelly out yo :)
k, end smelly rant here. not sayin, just sayin, if you're a "that chick", please remember the following chant: if caught in the fray, don't forget to spray :)
kelly out yo :)
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
this isn't everything you are
it is a rare thing in this world that does not accurately reflect the effort that has been put into it.
a beautiful garden has been carefully tended, many hours, sweat, dirt, and worn hands have created this miracle. an athletes toned muscles, a body molded by self-discipline and long hours of exercise. a driven professional, excelling in their career, dedication... continually striving for the best.
perception is reality. and reality is perception.
when does what you wish become who you are? and when does what you see in the mirror stop reflecting what you thought you were?
i am no fool (well, at least not for the most part :)), i realize that we are all changing, morphing, hopefully into something better, into something that He has made us to be. but what happens when you are faced with the reality of the perceptions of others, and it's not who you want to be?
the most accurate mirror you can look into are the eyes of another. don't get me wrong, we all have our little biases, everyone has their "splinter" or "log" if you will, but i don't think that should become an excuse, instead it should be a point of self-examination.
as a christian, a follower of God, we can never live about the perceptions of others. get me straight here, don't misunderstand, we are not called to live up to what others believe we should be, or pulled into the depths by one or two unpleasant comments regarding who we are and why. but we are meant to be accountable. we don't get the freedom to act how we want and expect that this will always be covered by the grace of God.
i believe that we must continually strive to be closer to the One who will make us more like Him. this does not mean that we are perfect, far from it, but it does not grant us a free ticket (do not pass go, do not collect $200). why? because we have to live a life full of trying and failing? no. no really, i mean it. NO. yes, i do love the caps button :) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! we cannot and should not strive for anything close to perfection. i got news for ya, i'm no youngsta, and i'm not ancient quite yet, but i do know this, my path to being a "good person" will lead me no where. and if it did, i certainly wouldn't have faith in an omniscient and all-powerful God, instead that would instill a faith in myself. if i just try harder, do better, use more self-discipline, then i could be who i want to be.
ha! as if... (i.e. i've tried...)
instead, my desire to love Him more, and the action of trying to love Him more, well, in that (and even if i suck at this, which is a very common occurrence!), He extends the grace and love i need, He makes me more like Him. and really, what else is there? is there something more important than that in this life?
so, back to it. perception is reality. maybe not always, but do i get to stand aside and just christia-nese my thoughtless actions with some sort of "well, i'm just struggling right now..." excuse? i don't think that's right either. we strive to embody something better not because we have to, or because we're supposed to, but because we love Him so deeply that we do not want to do any harm to His name. we could not bear to do Him any injustice. it would hurt our hearts to drag His name and reputation through the dirt.
will we screw up? yes. will we struggle? yes. will we do harm when we should have done good? YES.
but i believe that He can "make all things beautiful", and while i hope to never use this as an excuse, a symbolic shield, i can rest in faith that when i do suck, that He is bigger than that. and if i didn't think He was...? well, that wouldn't be much of a God to believe in, would it?
a beautiful place to rest, but never for too long...
a beautiful garden has been carefully tended, many hours, sweat, dirt, and worn hands have created this miracle. an athletes toned muscles, a body molded by self-discipline and long hours of exercise. a driven professional, excelling in their career, dedication... continually striving for the best.
perception is reality. and reality is perception.
when does what you wish become who you are? and when does what you see in the mirror stop reflecting what you thought you were?
i am no fool (well, at least not for the most part :)), i realize that we are all changing, morphing, hopefully into something better, into something that He has made us to be. but what happens when you are faced with the reality of the perceptions of others, and it's not who you want to be?
the most accurate mirror you can look into are the eyes of another. don't get me wrong, we all have our little biases, everyone has their "splinter" or "log" if you will, but i don't think that should become an excuse, instead it should be a point of self-examination.
as a christian, a follower of God, we can never live about the perceptions of others. get me straight here, don't misunderstand, we are not called to live up to what others believe we should be, or pulled into the depths by one or two unpleasant comments regarding who we are and why. but we are meant to be accountable. we don't get the freedom to act how we want and expect that this will always be covered by the grace of God.
i believe that we must continually strive to be closer to the One who will make us more like Him. this does not mean that we are perfect, far from it, but it does not grant us a free ticket (do not pass go, do not collect $200). why? because we have to live a life full of trying and failing? no. no really, i mean it. NO. yes, i do love the caps button :) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! we cannot and should not strive for anything close to perfection. i got news for ya, i'm no youngsta, and i'm not ancient quite yet, but i do know this, my path to being a "good person" will lead me no where. and if it did, i certainly wouldn't have faith in an omniscient and all-powerful God, instead that would instill a faith in myself. if i just try harder, do better, use more self-discipline, then i could be who i want to be.
ha! as if... (i.e. i've tried...)
instead, my desire to love Him more, and the action of trying to love Him more, well, in that (and even if i suck at this, which is a very common occurrence!), He extends the grace and love i need, He makes me more like Him. and really, what else is there? is there something more important than that in this life?
so, back to it. perception is reality. maybe not always, but do i get to stand aside and just christia-nese my thoughtless actions with some sort of "well, i'm just struggling right now..." excuse? i don't think that's right either. we strive to embody something better not because we have to, or because we're supposed to, but because we love Him so deeply that we do not want to do any harm to His name. we could not bear to do Him any injustice. it would hurt our hearts to drag His name and reputation through the dirt.
will we screw up? yes. will we struggle? yes. will we do harm when we should have done good? YES.
but i believe that He can "make all things beautiful", and while i hope to never use this as an excuse, a symbolic shield, i can rest in faith that when i do suck, that He is bigger than that. and if i didn't think He was...? well, that wouldn't be much of a God to believe in, would it?
a beautiful place to rest, but never for too long...
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
that's why it's called a moment of truth
who you were never truly lets go of who you've become...
so yes, admittedly, i am disgustingly-engrossed, over-the-top, in love love love with every moment of, and a die-hard fan of One Tree Hill. the precious OTH. too young to know what the gosh-darn-heck i'm talkin 'bout? too old to care? just old enough to know the name, but didn't ever follow it? truly obsessed like me? regardless, it's the end of a beautiful time in life.
k, so no need for a trehil-terventention (legend... wait for it... i had ice cream from this "queen" earlier today - dairy!), i am fully aware that this is just a TV show, and really, it's not about the show, it's about the end of an era. this show has been on since i was in high school, and even though i have changed from an all-too-awkward and ultra-dramatic teen into a semi-awkward and somewhat-dramatic adult, i still love looking back at who i was. and that helps remind me of who i am, but more importantly who i am becoming.
i'm not ashamed to say that i was in tears by the end of this, not because of 9 seasons of 60 minute episodes impacted my life that strongly, but because the past 10 years of life and God have shaped me into this woman. and even that i am not proud of, in fact, mostly humbled, because i look back over my years since graduation (with a 10-year high school reunion looming), and cannot believe how incredibly blessed i have been to have had people in my life who not only invested and believed in me, but who have stood by me when i have not lived up to my potential. not judged, not criticized, but loved unconditionally, while constantly lifting me up in prayer.
and isn't that how we all become who we're meant to be? who He sees us as, what He is quietly whispering to our hearts, what we know to be deep down, is the true heart of who we are, but have not fully transformed into... yet.
potential. yeah, that word has a lot of connotations. some good and some bad. i can remember many times being chastised with this word; "you're not living up to your potential", "you have so much potential... (insert implied suckiness here)", and "you're wasting all of your potential." so i can imagine that a lot of us cringe at this word, but in recent years i have found it incredibly freeing. instead of seeing it as who i am "supposed" to become, i have recognized the faith of others and God, and seen it as who i am destined to be. not without dedication, not without hardship, not without suffering or mishaps. but with the beauty of His hands and grace... and my continued understanding of how it is not about me.
one tree hill, ladies and gents, it's time for a curtain call. but who we were, who we are becoming... don't bow quite yet, cuz there's a lot more where that came from. get ready for the encore folks, it's gonna be beautiful.
so yes, admittedly, i am disgustingly-engrossed, over-the-top, in love love love with every moment of, and a die-hard fan of One Tree Hill. the precious OTH. too young to know what the gosh-darn-heck i'm talkin 'bout? too old to care? just old enough to know the name, but didn't ever follow it? truly obsessed like me? regardless, it's the end of a beautiful time in life.
k, so no need for a trehil-terventention (legend... wait for it... i had ice cream from this "queen" earlier today - dairy!), i am fully aware that this is just a TV show, and really, it's not about the show, it's about the end of an era. this show has been on since i was in high school, and even though i have changed from an all-too-awkward and ultra-dramatic teen into a semi-awkward and somewhat-dramatic adult, i still love looking back at who i was. and that helps remind me of who i am, but more importantly who i am becoming.
i'm not ashamed to say that i was in tears by the end of this, not because of 9 seasons of 60 minute episodes impacted my life that strongly, but because the past 10 years of life and God have shaped me into this woman. and even that i am not proud of, in fact, mostly humbled, because i look back over my years since graduation (with a 10-year high school reunion looming), and cannot believe how incredibly blessed i have been to have had people in my life who not only invested and believed in me, but who have stood by me when i have not lived up to my potential. not judged, not criticized, but loved unconditionally, while constantly lifting me up in prayer.
and isn't that how we all become who we're meant to be? who He sees us as, what He is quietly whispering to our hearts, what we know to be deep down, is the true heart of who we are, but have not fully transformed into... yet.
potential. yeah, that word has a lot of connotations. some good and some bad. i can remember many times being chastised with this word; "you're not living up to your potential", "you have so much potential... (insert implied suckiness here)", and "you're wasting all of your potential." so i can imagine that a lot of us cringe at this word, but in recent years i have found it incredibly freeing. instead of seeing it as who i am "supposed" to become, i have recognized the faith of others and God, and seen it as who i am destined to be. not without dedication, not without hardship, not without suffering or mishaps. but with the beauty of His hands and grace... and my continued understanding of how it is not about me.
one tree hill, ladies and gents, it's time for a curtain call. but who we were, who we are becoming... don't bow quite yet, cuz there's a lot more where that came from. get ready for the encore folks, it's gonna be beautiful.
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