When you used to be strong... and now you're weak.

As a parent I have never felt more...

Weak.

Having our son in our lives has changed so many things.  I can't even begin to list them all. The one thing I never expected to feel was weak. I thought I would feel strong.  Empowered.  Like I would conquer the world for this new life.

I always thought I was relatively impenetrable.  Tough. I mean, not really tough, not like eat bugs tough (though I have), or punch some crazy person the face (though I know love conquers violence).  But the core of you kinda tough.  The type of tough that can withstand the worst and still push on through.

I was wrong.

After Axel, Ryan and I both realize how weak we are.  That little being that we created makes us feel so incredibly powerless.  Weak, not because of our status as people, but because of our love.  You love something so intensely, so fiercely, that you cannot possibly imagine what you'd do if something happened to them.

Every movie or TV show, every article or news story, every single thing that involves some baby or child that is terrible makes you weak in the knees - because you cannot even imagine what you would do, how you would cope if it was your baby.

Weak.

It sounds so crazy opposite, but it is so profoundly true.  Being a parent makes you vulnerable to the most terrible circumstances - the worst things that could happen to the little human that you've sworn to love and protect with your life.

And yet, when I think about it, even when the fear creeps in, it is one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced. I love Axel more than I could ever possibly express.  More than I ever thought possible.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends. And I would curl up and die if anything ever happened to Ryan.  We've discussed multiple times that if anything ever happened to Ryan, the shell of the woman I would be... well, let's just say, there wouldn't be much worth saving.  But Axel, there is this new level of extreme love and responsibility.  This love that neither of us can quite explain.

We try so hard not to be "those parents" who only talk about their kid, and neither of us have ever been "kid peeps", but ever since Mr. A arrived on the scene, who we are, and what we live for has changed.  God has created this precious bond, and because of that, it makes you something more than you are. 1 + 1 = More Than 2 :)

Axel is more than just the two of us.  He is a special combination of us that God inspired.  Special ordered, you might say ;)

But the thing about being weak, in the spiritual kingdom, is that it's actually pretty good.  As long as you use your weakness properly...

2 Corinthians 12:10-11

"... For when I am weak, then I am strong..."

We are weak, but He is strong, which is particularly apparent in our weakest moments. And so, much like the first 9 months of parenthood, Ryn and I will continue to hang on for dear life - in weakness - and praying for God to give us the strength that we need.  His strength.  His guidance.  We cannot do it alone.

And thanking Jesus for every beautiful day that we have with our precious son!  Weakness and all :)