When The Answer Is Yes (And You Didn't Want It To Be)

Today we had Axel's appointment with the specialist to find out if he had to get a helmet for his plagiocephaly.  We've been waiting for months for this appointment, hoping that he wouldn't have to get one.  We've spent countless hours doing physical therapy, chiropractic care, stretches, and special holding.  We've spent money on positional aides, doctor appointments, and special pillows.  We've neglected many other areas of our lives to try and make sure that Axel isn't spending any unnecessary time on his head that could cause further issues.  And today, when the question was asked, the answer was "Yes, he does need a helmet."

Usually a "yes" is a good thing.  Today, it's not.

A helmet, while being a cure for his head issues, is not a true positive thing in our world.  It means a lot of money, more appointments, more physical therapy, and a baby who will be in restrictive headgear 23 hours a day, for the next 3 to 9 months.

In a word, it stinks.

That said, we are beyond blessed that we live in a time and age that there is a form of treatment for his condition and that this issue will not cause lasting damage to his head or development like it would have in the past.  We are even more blessed that we have insurance that has covered some of the expenses, and the time and energy to devote to taking care of him the best that we can.  And we know that this is a very small hurdle in his and our lives, especially compared to the health issues some parents have to face with their children.  We know that we are lucky.

But still, today, it stinks.

Tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I will feel more thankful, tomorrow I will be relieved that I can spend more time playing with my baby and working on his developmental milestones instead of constantly trying to plan every minute of his life based on how it will impact his conditions.

So, while today, it stinks, tomorrow, it won't stink as much.

But today I plan on eating an ungodly amount of Ben and Jerry's and indulging in a little self-pity.  Because tomorrow is a new day, and I want to greet it with a smile.  And maybe a stomach ache from too much ice cream...

I Told You So - A Chronic Conditon

You know those people, the ones who love to say "I told you so..."?  Yeah, they're the worst.  The. Worst.

You know those people?  Yeah, that's me.  I am the worst.  

I don't say it out loud, but I think it.  Quietly.  Passive-aggressively.  Minnesota-nice-ly.  I say to myself in my perfect little mind - "Hmmm.... yup, I told you so."

But why?

The way I see it, most chronic I told you so-ers (from this point on known as ITYS-ers) mostly have pride at their core.  They want you to know that they knew best.  And you didn't.  And that you suck.  You suck at being right and all of the good things.  You suck.  Forever and ever, amen.  

But I don't want that.  And I don't think that you suck.  Well, let's be honest, we all suck every once in a while, but you, as a general person, do not suck.  

So why am I a ITYS-er?  Enter selfishness, stage left.  Ohhhhhh, tricky tricky, huh?  You thought I was gonna talk about pride, but nooooooooooooo, surprise surprise!  Selfishness wins the Wonka Golden Ticket for tonight. And by golden ticket, I mean talking about how much you don't suck, and how much I do. Game changer!

I suck.

And here's why.  I am selfish.  And when my family, friends, etc. do things that are opposite from what I think is best, I become a holier-than-thou stereotype that is almost laughable.  But not quite laughable enough to be funny.  Mostly just sad.  Because I don't want to be right due to pride, I want you to do what I say because I am afraid of the consequences of your failure.  

Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Ok sure.  A better person than me could play this off as simply wanting the best for those that they love. But, as we've already discussed, I suck, so obvi, this is not the case.  I don't want you to fail because I know it's going to be more work for me.  Woof.  Even typing that sentence makes me feel like I did most of my pregnancy (I'll give you a lil' hint - it involved a lot of porcelain-god worship... ;)).  The sheer selfishness of it all makes me want to simultaneously cringe, highlight this whole paragraph, right click and select delete. But I won't.  Because there is importance in truth. 

So, here I am, a self-proclaimed ITYS-er that is laying it all out on the table, baring it all for the sake of something bigger, something more important than my need to appear perfect.  So here it is: I want you to do what I think is right because if you don't, and things go sideways, your life is gonna get messy, and because I am in your life, it means my life is gonna get messy too.  It means that I am going to have to help you clean up all of these shenanigans. And I don't want to have to expend that extra energy.  If that isn't selfish, whew, I don't know what is. What a broken mentality, a true lack of compassion and love right there.  

But it's true, and I am admitting it in the most public way that I know how.  Oh hey blog friends, did I mention that I suck? :)

So, lemme break it down for you - as referenced in my many blogs before, our lives here on earth rely on community.  We are in this together.  We help each other.  We can't get through this life alone.  And because I have that outlook on life, the logic is that if your life is easier, then so is mine.  So when I share my opinion with you, yeah, there is, without a doubt, a seed of selfishness rooted deeply in what I tell you. Sometimes I know that I'm doing it, other times it's totally unintentional, but either way, I'm fairly certain that it's present in most of the opinions that I share.  I'd like to think that isn't true, I'd love to say that I am so far redeemed by the love of Christ that how you live your life does not affect how well I counsel and love you.  But I'm not, and it does.  Maybe someday I will be and it won't, but that day is not today.

Instead, today, my struggle is to focus on you and your life, how you live it, what you struggle with, and how I can help you. Entirely selflessly.  Not thinking about the negative consequences of your actions, but instead, on the fullness of life that you can have living free of condemnation.  And I can't do that if I'm the one condemning you.  Or worse, worrying about how your actions impact my own small little life.  I have to ask Jesus to help me rise above that, because I am definitely not capable of doing it on my own.  

In conclusion - I suck. And I will not - cannot - get better on my own.  I think the sheer act of thinking that I know what is best is clear evidence of that fact.  I have to rely on a God that is boundless in the grace that He gives, and try my best to emulate that.  For me, there is no other way.  

No more silent "I told you so"s, no more thinking that I knew best, no more worrying about the mess that you're making that I will have to help clean up.  Only grace.  And love.  And compassion.  Those things are the only cure for this chronic condition of selfishness.  And without them, I don't think our world can hold on. I know I can't.  

Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that...

Fill in the blank _________.  KitKat Bar? Surprisingly, no. Just give me a break. In general.

Ok, fair warning, things could get a little heated in this post...

So, I am a mom.  And I'm not a dad, so I don't claim to understand what it's like, but in the mom culture today things are rough.  Real rough.  Moms judging moms rough.  And it makes me sad.

But also a little mad.

Because here is the thing (if you read this blog you know that there are so many!) - being a mom is hard enough as it is. I really don't think it's necessary to insert our unwanted opinions on, and sometimes be just plain mean to, other moms.  There are a million topics in the mom club that could be argued:  breastfed vs. formula, attachment vs. detachment, crib vs. co-sleeping, stay-at-home vs. working mom, cry-it-out vs. on as-needed-sleeping, scheduling vs. baby-led, etc.  I could literally go on forever.  The choices in child-rearing are seriously so unimaginably extensive I never could've possibly understood until now.  But I do.  Now.  And believe me, those mommy boards get real ugly.  And we're not talking cute ugly, we're talking moms calling other moms terrible, irresponsible and awful people.

And it just doesn't seem right.

Webster defines a mom as simply "a person's mother".  But we know that it is so much more.  When I think of the definition of a mom, I think of someone who loves her children, puts herself second (third, or whatever), and does what she needs to do to give her family what they need.  Read that definition carefully. No where in there will you find "call other moms terrible people, or second guess their parenting techniques."  And there is a reason for that.  Moms are called to love.  Plain and simple.  I think we get this idea that because we are moms, that means we are called only to love our children, our family.  But no, because, as parents, our job is so much bigger.  We are called to love, but we are also called to show our children HOW to love.  We demonstrate that ability to our growing babies, they learn about love through us (see a little connection with God, as our father...?).  They say actions speak louder than words.  And lemme tell you, I absolutely cannot imagine telling Axel how much I love him and then turning around and calling some stranger a horrible person because she feeds her baby formula instead of  breast milk.

But it happens.  And that's when I get mad.  I get mad because this isn't what we want to teach out children.  We want to teach our children grace, respect, understanding, and compassion.  And we say that, but then 5 seconds later judge the mom at Target, or on a mom board, or a friend asking for advice on how to handle her screaming child (My fiend Katie wrote a GREAT blog about mom-judging - check it out - http://thekleinjungs.com/our-family/an-open-letter-to-every-parent-i-have-ever-met/)

Being a mom is a rough and tumble kind of game.  Not only do we have to navigate the tough world of babydom, but then we have to carefully hone our parenting skills, and how we communicate our practice of child-rearing to others.  Walking on eggshells would be easier.  Much easier.

Here's what it comes down to for me.

My job as a mom is to teach my kid how to love others.  And there is no way I can do that while being a mom-judger.  We can hide behind all of the "I just think it's best" or "You really should"s as we want, but the outcome is still the same.

So, when I am tempted to look at how my fellow moms parent, I ask myself this one simple question: Do I believe that they love their baby and want what's best for them?  The answer is unequivocally, a resounding "Yes!"   And if that's what they are trying to do, I honestly believe that 99% of the time, that is good enough.  I don't need to "show them the light".  I don't need to tell them everything I've ever done and how great it has turned out.  Because they love their baby, they are trying their best, and that's all that they can possibly do.

When I say gimme a break, what I really mean is - give every mom out there a break.  No one is perfect.  And no one is raising a perfect child.  Let's all just trust and support one another.  Because, being a mom is hard enough as it is.  Let's not make it harder.

Take a deep breath.  We are all raising the next generation.  We are all trying.  We are all doing the best that we can.  And isn't that what counts?

Good job moms, you need a huge pat on the back, not someone stabbing you in it...

With God's help, we got this!