somebody else's song

i think as you get older you realize that all of the questions you thought you had the answers to when you were younger, weren't really questions after all, they were just the things that define the way that you live your life.

or maybe some of them were questions, but you realize there isn't ever a "right" answer.

we, humans, have struggled with major issues for all of our time here on earth, and yet, we still strive, on a personal and national level, to solve these things that plague us.  hunger, health care, happiness, hope... in a hardened world, there are still many of us whose hearts are soft to the needs of others.

what i don't get... is what exactly are we fighting for?  don't get me wrong, i understand why we are fighting, for everyone to have food, a warm bed, most importantly, a chance to know our Creator... but what does that actually look like?  if we know that our world is ultimately sinful, and until the time has come for the world to be reborn (or however you interpret revelations), we will not have ultimate peace, or perfection, then how do we make it better?

i keep thinking about eating contests... those superbly awesome food-consuming machines (people) always tell you the same thing - never look at what you've got left to eat, just focus on the bite you've got in your mouth, you'll just get psyched out otherwise.  this is awesome because i love food.  also, i'm just sayin if they ever come up with a juicy-luicy eating contest i will win. end of story. but i think the jist of it, is basically, focus on what is at hand, don't try and put everything on your plate (pun intended) all at once and expect you can do it all without faltering.

wondering what God has for us in this crazy big world with lots of problems... i could be wrong, it's happened before and it will happen again, but i really feel like it's to touch those that you can on a daily basis. one step at a time, as much as you can, and that's what really makes a difference.  all of the grandiose plans in the world will never have an effect if they don't make it off the drawing board.  someone has to do something, even if it's just starting with a pencil and some paper.

when you struggle with control like i do, this revelation is scary. i would rather ponder the perfect solution and get started on making things better.  i want to problem solve and save the day.  but i don't think God works like that... sure, He gives us answers occasionally, but we are not capable of solving all things, only He is, and this world will never be a perfect place.  we just need to touch everyone we can, every way we can, with the time that we have been blessed with... anything beyond that is out of our hands - as it should be.

worn me down

throughout my life, i've had to face many things about myself that are rather unflattering; obnoxious and monkey-like laugh, limited bladder control, severe addition to fashion and clothes, i could go on... but one of my worst characteristics is a true lack of compassion.  this is something that i really always have struggled with.  i'm not sure why i don't have much of it naturally, i just don't.

but there is one specific thing that i see in the eyes of others that melts my heart into a puddle of compassion. someone crying? no way. someone looking stressed? nu uh. someone seeming frustrated? nope. but the second i see someone that has worn and tired-looking eyes, i most definitely feel compassion.  for some reason seeing someone that looks like they've been through it all and continued to push on through, but is barely keeping it together, it just fills me with grace that is not my own.

recently i looked in the mirror and saw a shade of this in my own reflection, and i didn't like it. just tired. but i wasn't really sure what to do about it.

tonight i sat out under the stars listenin to ryn and the tonster wax intellectual and christian stuff, my brilliant hubby said somethin that hit me hard, somethin that someone very wise from the bozone said to him... when you find yourself in a hole, getting out seems like it's too hard and you just don't know what to do, you should stop.  because maybe you're not in a hole, maybe you're in the beginning of a well, and there is a reason you're there, so start digging!

so, i'm still not sure exactly what i'm doing in this hole, or which direction i need to dig for this well, but i looked in the mirror, and i look just a little less worn... peace that passeth understanding.

i should never let you go... what a crystal baller?

lemme tell you a little secret.

summer is my life.

there is nothing that i look forward to more, and there is def not another time that i am more relaxed.  chilled even? hmm, too far.  when i think 'bout the times i miss the most, it usually involves some sort of summer activity.  missed moment of the day?  extreme night games!  gonna bring that one back fo' sho'!  and now we actually have the big yard and woods for it :) who's in?

nickles and dimes, yours and mine. can we try and take the high road?

but rly, the truth is, i get amazing things done during the summer - why can't i be this productive during the rest of the year (you'll see, pics up on fb soon).  i am uber artistic in the winter, so i guess that counts for somethin, but c'mon, what the heck?

personal epiphany: when sups 'cited or sups frustrated (extreme ends of the spectrum of emotions) i act like a 5 year old.  anywhere in btwn, i can usually muster some sort of adulthoodness.  what does that say 'bout me?

kk, lots of rambles tonight (is that a kind of plant?), rly not much to say other than my wish list for our house and vehicles keeps gettin longer :)  s'ok though, painting projects underway tmrw and then who knows... when am i gonna start my new design business?  guessing it will be when i finally settle down and pop out some kids (i.e. hopefully not soon...).  don't know how to take nate sayin that he wants to hide my b.c. - i guess that's a compliment, right?  someday, sure.  when i have everything done that i want to.  as if that will ever happen!

hole in my foot is no fun, but the good news is that i am such a major baller that i sprang for a tetanus shot 'fore i switched jobs, so i should be set.  tetanus = 0, kelly = major win (minus the blood loss) :)

word of wisdom for the day: if the nice man at abc rentals laughs and thinks you're kidding when you tell him that you're gonna be the one tilling the back yard with a super big machine (and not your buff hottie hubby), laugh along with him... he'll realize that you were serious when you come back with awesome battle scars and a superb looking back yard (and he did). what IS up!

goodbyes of life

i love words (thank you seseme street and mr. rogers).  there are funny words, silly words, long words, short words, abbreviations, slang... the list goes on and on.  words have this incredible way of reaching inside us and yanking out an emotion, sometimes for a purpose, other times, just because they can.

there are, however, a few words that i truly do carry a great deal of disdain for.  ready?

1. reach out - yeah yeah, i know that this is technically two words, but i have heard this combo being incredibly over used recently.  "i'll reach out to you", "make sure you reach out to soandso", etc.  whatevs, i'm over it. i mean really, isn't the whole point of that term to make people feel included and important? well, when it's over-used it certainly loses those two aspects.
2. community - over it. i like the idea of what the word was supposed to mean, but it has been abused deeply.
3. stress - felt it, been it, lived it, blamed stuff on it... yes, stress, we know we know, everyone is stressed. so? stop talking about it and start doing something to change it!
4. guacamole - the problem with this word is that i have very strong feelings about it, both good and bad, a conundrum really, it is 1) the best tasting food item ever, but 2) it is an ugly word and disgusting color.  i'm torn...
5. goodbye - it sucks. 'nough said.

i've had a lot of goodbyes lately and i'm finding myself a bit reminiscent. i just finished watchin the last season (or should i say the last good season [season 8], which unfortunately was not the actual last season, though it really really should have been) and it was a great catalyst for thinkin about the past, future, and what lies between. btween jord and kristen moving, leaving hennepin county, my babybabybrobro goin off to college, k-penelope leaving for cleveland (i mean really, who goes there anyway?!), and psyching up for the summer ending thing, well, i'm just not too keen on the whole deal.

i'm not sure what my problem is, but i'm not super great at being emotional when the goodbye actually happens.  repressed emotion? cold hearted? not caring? relieved? hmmm, not sure. all i know is that i just don't cry much, at least not when it is socially acceptable to do so.  always seems like it's on a day like today, when i think about all of the goodbyes in my life and how terribly tragic it is that we waste time, so much time that could have been better used with those people.  how easy it is to regret things that we never said or did, but not forgetting how many things i've done or said that i regret much much more.  it's a game, isn't it? you will always have regrets, no matter what you do.  everyone does.  regrets for what you did, regrets for what you didn't do.  and if you say you don't, why, i think you're lying, if you really sit down to think about it.  admitting that you have regrets just means that even if you would do it all over again, if faced with the choice one more time and made the very same decision as you did before, you still might be a little sad about it.  like i said, it's just a game, you don't really win at making decisions in life.  the grass might always be greener, or it might just be green.  i guess that's up to us, right?

goodbyes should be hard.  if they're not, well, i think that means you must live a very lonely life.

so, i do love words.  but i could certainly do without havin to say a few of them, at least for a very very long time.