The Selfish-Freedom Equation

When I look into my son's eyes I see so much love staring back at me... and you know what I feel?  Selfish.
Well, love too, but also, really, really, crazy-high amounts of selfish.

I have this little creature, wide-eyed, gurgling and smiling, and completely, totally, dependent on me.  And his dad too, but you know what I mean, plus it sounds so much more dramatic when I say me ;)  And every time I look at that little face, I am ashamed at how much I just want what I want.  And I want the world!  But right now, WE are his world.  His world.  That's it.  Mom, dad, puppies, a warm house, clean clothes, and a full tummy. That is his entire world. Cray-to-the-Z.

And what hits me over the head is that sometimes all I want is out.  Not out of being a mom or a wife.  I just want some freedom.  I want to be able to go to the store on a moments notice.  I want to have a glass of wine without 2 hours of preparation.  I want to go out with friends and not drag along a baby, a car seat, a diaper bag, a pacifier, four diapers, three burp rags, two extra outfits, and a partridge and a pear tree...  I want all of these things.  But when I look at that tiny little face I realize how selfish and unnecessary these things are.  Do  I need them?  No.  Do I want them? Yes.  But are they worth it?  Not really.  It's like this:  You always want what you can't have, right?  And while I miss "freedom", I happily entered into all of these commitments in my life. Willingly.  And I am thankful to be a part of each and every single one of them.

But.  There's always a but.

I think that there is something good in wanting that freedom and feeling that selfishness.  Timbo, our campus pastor in Mt Ana, once told Ryan something that has really stuck with the both of us.  He said something to the effect of this - "Marriage, man, when you get married it will show you just how selfish you are. It will expose everything you are, and not always the good stuff.  And then you have kids, and then you REALLY find out how selfish you are..."  And it is so, so, SO true.  When Ryan and I got married, well, let's just say the first 6 months wasn't all flowers and rainbows.  Those people who say "love fixes everything" clearly had not yet experienced the joy of trying to meld two verrrrrrrrry independent individuals into one life.  Love did not fix us.  Love COULD NOT fix us.  Only Jesus could, can, and continues to do so.  Yes, we were selfish, but He used that selfishness, our brokenness, to bring us closer to one another and to Him.

Now, we have Axel.  Our firstborn son.  And he is adorable. Some might even say "dorbs." ;)  But, as kids are prone to being, he is a LOT of work.  And guess what?  With every fleeting "I wish I could..." thought that reaches my tired brain, I am struck by just how silly and selfish those things are.  Would I give it all up just because I loved my pre-baby lifestyle?  Would I give up the incredible blessing of being a parent?  Would I trade infinite freedom for this 14 pound lil' monster?  There.Is.No.Way.  None of that matters, I don't need any of those things.  None of it.  Except a shower. That, my dear friends, is definitely a necessity.  Though Mr. A doesn't always seem to agree with me on that one.  Most of those wishes are just that, wishes.  They are not required, they are not life-changing, and they certainly are not going to negatively impact the trajectory of my life.  No, most of the time they are a momentary (or sometimes hourly) inconvenience.  And a few times, they are bigger.  They are sacrifices.  Huge ones... but we won't get into all of that quite yet, we'll save that topic for another day :)

My point?  I think this was all in God's plan for us.  He uses marriage and kids to bring us closer to Him, to soften us, to realize that we can't do it on our own, that we need Him.  And that we are selfish.  Not because that fact in itself is helpful.  But because that constant reminder helps us to live in an entirely different way than we would have otherwise.  In a way, it frees us.  Talk about a twist on wanting some freedom, eh? :)

Sometimes it's hard to face your own selfishness.  But when there's so much love attached to it... well, it's a whole lot easier to make the changes that you need to.

Freedom for all, friends! :)