3

3 months.

That is the amount of time that we've managed to keep a small human alive.  Three whole (long) months.  I don't know about you, but I feel like that is definitely something to celebrate!  I'd throw a party, but I'm too tired :)  Unfortunately, each time I am proud of making it this far, some dang more-experienced parent says something to the effect of "Enjoy this time, once they get older it will be much harder!"  K.  Thanks.  While that is probably true, way to make me SUPER freaked out about the future.  Because, 3 months is a long time, and while we have had bad days, I've finally started to feel like I'm getting the hang of this whole parent deal.  So, thanks for ripping the rug out from under me, you wouldn't want me to get a big-head about the fact that I am finally able (most days) to keep my kid clean, fed and sleeping.  Not sayin' just sayin', maybe sometimes you should let others be blissful in their ignorance... (End parent rant) ;)

So, back to 3 months.

We are celebrating having a three month old baby boy who is absolutely amazing!  It already feels like he is SO grown up.  Which is obviously a ridiculous thought, since he can't even make himself a martini yet without our help (kidding!)  But sers.  It is so weird to think that 90 days ago he wasn't in our lives.  And now, he fills up our home with his little noises, clothes, and not-so-little diapers :)  F'real, the kid knows how to poop and he does it like it ain't no thang.  These are the weird things you brag about as a parent.  Like, in what universe do you get a big proud smile on your face when someone burps into your ear so loud that it's nearly deafening?  The universe of parenthood, dude.  Don't get me started on how hilarious baby-parent-bragging is: how much they can eat, how many times you have to change their diaper (or what it smelled like!), how long they can sleep, and, by far the most intense, how "big" they are (particularly silly considering they are, as their names suggest, "babies", and weigh far less than the turkey I bought for Thanksgiving [yet significantly more expensive!]).  Of course, pre-kid Kelly didn't realize that these were the things that parents get sups excited about - who knew how much fun it was going to be bragging about chubby thighs and bodily functions?  That is certainly the exact opposite of adult-world ;)

So, here's a few little tidbits about Mr. A's first three months on this lil' ball we call earth:

• 3 months, weighing in at a grand total of: 17 lbs and 1 oz... He is a giant among babies :) (insert ridiculous baby-parent-bragging here!)  And apparently he has the height of a true Lindstedt, since he is now too long to fit into most of his 3 to 6 month clothes!
• He started sleeping "through the night" at about 2 months old, which rocked!  For those of you who are not parents and are thinking "So, you must be getting a ton of sleep then!", to you I say, "Of course not, you fool!" :)  In babyland, it's considered sleeping through the night when they sleep for anything longer than 5 hours.  But hey, 5 hours is still pretty darn good :)
• His favorite pastime is smiling, cooing, sticking out his tongue, and making faces at his dad
• His favorite babysitters are Grandma Peggy and GranDan, and GRando and Grandma Rita :)
• He is a pretty happy little man, laid back, but he does best with a set schedule (what can I say, he's definitely our kid!)
• He lost all of the hair on the top of his head, but still has it all around the sides and back.  The hair came back uber-blonde, but he still looks like he's rockin' the Friar Tuck coif :)  So far he's kept his baby blues, but we'll see if that lasts, or if he'll give into the dark side and get my brown eyes.
• His latest milestone is being able to do a half turn-over, so we'll see how long before the real deal happens and brace ourselves for the craziness! 

As usual, you never know what the future will bring, and after bringing Axel home from the hospital (the 2nd time!), we were hoping for no more medical issues.  Unfortunately, Axel was diagnosed with pretty severe Torticollis, and due to that, he has developed Plagiocephaly.  Nothing life-threatening, but still hard.  We have been super busy with getting him to the doctor, physical therapy, buying special products to help with his care, chiro appointments, doing his stretches, and making sure we do everything that we can to help avoid having to get a special helmet for him (which are SUPER expensive and must be worn for about 20 hours a day, for up to 18 months :(  Not fun!).  Basically that means that we need to hold him or have him upright (and off his head) for pretty much every minute he's awake - not giving us a ton of extra time (or hands!), as if you get much of that anyway with a new babe :)  So if you've noticed our absence lately, now you know why. Needless to say, it's been a bit of a challenge, but we are making it through with God's grace!

So, I think that pretty much recaps our first three months with this lil' man.  To summarize: We are so blessed. So tired... but so blessed :)

Jaded

J-j-jaaaaded! Oh Aerosmith, always rockin' it.

When I was younger I always thought that the perfect relationship would be like the fountain of youth - it would renew you and bring new life with each passing day.  I had this unrealistic vision in front of me, something that could never be attained.  But I still believed in it... apparently I wasn't very smart :)

And so, I spent many years allowing myself to be jaded by those that came into my life.  I would continue on in relationships that were genuinely not good for me (and often for them as well).  I would try and try, again and again, and it always seemed to have the same outcome.  Disaster.  (This is the one time when the age-old wisdom of "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" does not apply!)  Each time I picked up a brand new battle scar, and a tougher heart, one that wouldn't love so easily the next time.  In addition to my lack of smarts, I must also have a slow learning curve :)

You know the only thing worse than becoming jaded?  Making others that way as well... I left big scars on many of the people that I cared about deeply. I had all of the excuses.  It's an unhealthy friendship, it wasn't a good relationship, he needed too much, she was too clingy, it wasn't "God-centered" (that's one that got abused a looooooooooot - sorry about that Big Guy!), it's just not working, etc. etc.  I let all of these excuses lead me, inch by inch, out of relationships that were inconvenient or had just became too hard.

Now that I'm old(er?), I know the real deal.  The ugly truth is that we're all flawed and we WILL hurt each other. We will. Always. Give anyone enough time to spend with one another and it will eventually end up raw and unpretty.  But just because you experience those things doesn't mean it's time to let go.  Being married has shown me so many amazing things, but one of the best ones is that becoming jaded is a choice.  You cannot control another person, their actions, or always protect yourself from being hurt by them.  You.Just.Can't.  What you can do is love, be vulnerable and keep on hoping.

Love never stops hoping.  Let me say it again - love NEVER stops hoping.  Never.  And what is the arch-enemy of jadedness (think Batman vs. Catwoman!)?  Hope.  And not just blind hope or hoping for the sake of hoping.  No, I mean the kind of hope that 1 Corinthians 13 talks about - life-giving, restoring, and renewing hope.  I mean, hope is pretty much a necessity of love, so why did it take me so long to figure that part out?  Like I said, I'm not always so smart.  And my learning curve mimics a bell curve more often than I'd like to admit :)

If I said that I have it all figured out now, I'd be Pinocchio-ing pretty bad.  Sure, being a little jaded can still creep in once in a while, but now I know how to fight it.  And what's more, now I do my very best not to ever be the cause of someone else becoming jaded.  Gettin' old(er?) has it's benefits, one of the best ones thus far is hard-fought/won wisdom.

Leave being jaded to good ol' A-smith, let's keep on loving and hoping!

1 Cor. 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

The Selfish-Freedom Equation

When I look into my son's eyes I see so much love staring back at me... and you know what I feel?  Selfish.
Well, love too, but also, really, really, crazy-high amounts of selfish.

I have this little creature, wide-eyed, gurgling and smiling, and completely, totally, dependent on me.  And his dad too, but you know what I mean, plus it sounds so much more dramatic when I say me ;)  And every time I look at that little face, I am ashamed at how much I just want what I want.  And I want the world!  But right now, WE are his world.  His world.  That's it.  Mom, dad, puppies, a warm house, clean clothes, and a full tummy. That is his entire world. Cray-to-the-Z.

And what hits me over the head is that sometimes all I want is out.  Not out of being a mom or a wife.  I just want some freedom.  I want to be able to go to the store on a moments notice.  I want to have a glass of wine without 2 hours of preparation.  I want to go out with friends and not drag along a baby, a car seat, a diaper bag, a pacifier, four diapers, three burp rags, two extra outfits, and a partridge and a pear tree...  I want all of these things.  But when I look at that tiny little face I realize how selfish and unnecessary these things are.  Do  I need them?  No.  Do I want them? Yes.  But are they worth it?  Not really.  It's like this:  You always want what you can't have, right?  And while I miss "freedom", I happily entered into all of these commitments in my life. Willingly.  And I am thankful to be a part of each and every single one of them.

But.  There's always a but.

I think that there is something good in wanting that freedom and feeling that selfishness.  Timbo, our campus pastor in Mt Ana, once told Ryan something that has really stuck with the both of us.  He said something to the effect of this - "Marriage, man, when you get married it will show you just how selfish you are. It will expose everything you are, and not always the good stuff.  And then you have kids, and then you REALLY find out how selfish you are..."  And it is so, so, SO true.  When Ryan and I got married, well, let's just say the first 6 months wasn't all flowers and rainbows.  Those people who say "love fixes everything" clearly had not yet experienced the joy of trying to meld two verrrrrrrrry independent individuals into one life.  Love did not fix us.  Love COULD NOT fix us.  Only Jesus could, can, and continues to do so.  Yes, we were selfish, but He used that selfishness, our brokenness, to bring us closer to one another and to Him.

Now, we have Axel.  Our firstborn son.  And he is adorable. Some might even say "dorbs." ;)  But, as kids are prone to being, he is a LOT of work.  And guess what?  With every fleeting "I wish I could..." thought that reaches my tired brain, I am struck by just how silly and selfish those things are.  Would I give it all up just because I loved my pre-baby lifestyle?  Would I give up the incredible blessing of being a parent?  Would I trade infinite freedom for this 14 pound lil' monster?  There.Is.No.Way.  None of that matters, I don't need any of those things.  None of it.  Except a shower. That, my dear friends, is definitely a necessity.  Though Mr. A doesn't always seem to agree with me on that one.  Most of those wishes are just that, wishes.  They are not required, they are not life-changing, and they certainly are not going to negatively impact the trajectory of my life.  No, most of the time they are a momentary (or sometimes hourly) inconvenience.  And a few times, they are bigger.  They are sacrifices.  Huge ones... but we won't get into all of that quite yet, we'll save that topic for another day :)

My point?  I think this was all in God's plan for us.  He uses marriage and kids to bring us closer to Him, to soften us, to realize that we can't do it on our own, that we need Him.  And that we are selfish.  Not because that fact in itself is helpful.  But because that constant reminder helps us to live in an entirely different way than we would have otherwise.  In a way, it frees us.  Talk about a twist on wanting some freedom, eh? :)

Sometimes it's hard to face your own selfishness.  But when there's so much love attached to it... well, it's a whole lot easier to make the changes that you need to.

Freedom for all, friends! :)