if you could only see... (love is blind)

on my run today i realized something: how crazy it is that people ask me how i am dealing with Ryn's eye condition.   don't get me wrong (i feel like i have to say this a lot, which really just proves that maybe i should start re-wording things instead of having to constantly explain them... efficient? nah, i'm good), i so so SO appreciate people asking me, it definitely blesses me each time, but i am always at a loss for how to respond.

how am i dealing with it?  uh, idk?  i'm dealing with it the same way i deal with having to go get groceries or a dirty house, it's just life.  Ryn's "illness" does not define him, it is just a small part of our life now, it doesn't dictate who we are and how we live life.  yes, it affects us, but so does a lot of stuff in life.  that's just the way it goes.  i think it's funny how people always forget that whole "in sickness" part, they seem to assume that the "in health" part is just a given.

my husband is brave.  he is an incredible leader, in every possible way.  he has faced this, like so many obstacles in his life, with wisdom and grace, and i cannot describe how incredibly lucky i am to have married such a wonderful man.  we have been so blessed  by God in many areas of our lives, how could we lose focus of that in the face of a few setbacks?

if you're married long enough, you get the privilege of experiencing some mountains in life together.  pretty much anyone who is married around the age of 40 or older will likely go through at least one major illness of one or both spouses (and likely, eventually death), and the chances of those illnesses being life-threatening are ever increased as we get older.  and us?  this is not even close to being life-threatening, simply life-adjusting, and for that we both feel incredibly blessed.

and what does it matter if it's now or in 20 years?  my oh-so-sweet co-worker said to me "you guys shouldn't have to experience this so early on in marriage" and i said, "why?"  i don't subscribe to the belief that you get to live in a protected bubble until you've been married for at least 10 years.  that's just silly.  and what drives you closer than fighting a common enemy?  not much, i'll tell you that :)

so going for a run brings me clarity on things, which i love, and like i said, i am so very blessed when people ask.  but here's the answer in 20 seconds or less:  my husband is brave.  i am passionate about fighting this with him - i am blessed to be his companion for life and whatever that might bring.  God is an amazing healer and He will prevail, either in this life, or in the next - we will continue to live in His grace, just like with anything else in life.

love isn't blind, it just chooses to look a little deeper.

memories of dreams and dreams of memories

sometimes memories can kick you right in the guts.

i don't really know what it is, but something our subconscious mind, that odd little place in our psyche, hides truth from us.  and when we figure our way out of the maze of crazy, and realize the truth, something we hid from ourselves, or maybe tried to protect ourselves from, well, it's not a pretty sight.

have i been watchin' too many conspiracy theory movies?  i don't even think that's possible for me :)  gimme more baby!

but really.  i remembered something long-forgotten recently that hit me hard.  it's like, when you were four years old and thought your grandparents were angelic and perfect, right?  and then when you grow up and find out that they were just real people, with faults just like the rest of us... you weren't really upset, but it did turn your world a little upside down for a little bit.  i guess that's a good explanation for it.  at least for me.

i admit, i am an adjuster.  put me in a situation and i will adjust.  i will not fight the restrictions, i will not push for change, i will not cry and mope, or get depressed, i will simply adjust.  sometimes that's awesome, but other times it's not a super great trait.  regardless, due to my adjuster personality, i often forget that things used to be different, be it good or bad.

so when i remember something that makes me a little sad, man, i really wanna bury it.  i wanna pretend that i never remembered it.  sometimes the forgetfulness, that "maze of crazy" is not good, because it distorts reality, what really happened, who people are and why.

memories don't always serve us well.  what's that stat on eyewitnesses?  crazy-high amounts of eyewitness accounts are actually incorrect... sounds like "can't always believe what you see" has never been truer, eh?  but, what i am really gettin' at is the idea that remembering who someone or something used to be does both you and them/it a dis-service.  it all changes - things, people, places.  everything.

so what's my point?  i guess i don't know for sure.  what it comes down to for me, is that you should hold dearly to the memories that you love, but never forget that they're not the only memories that you have.  and, maybe more importantly, the memories that you have of those you've loved, well, they don't define who those people are now.  we all change.  sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not so much.

would someone from your past think well of you?  idk, i just hope that if i met you again tomorrow that you'd be happy with who i turned into.  that's all you can hope for, right? :)