when darkness turns to light

re-evaluating is a necessary life skill.

every couple of months and/or years somethin hits me, a mini wake up call (not a super loud alarm clock goin off unexpectedly with an unnecessarily wicked justin timberlake song blaring... more like the panting of a very large and hairy black dog sitting in front of your bed silently, willing you to wake up and play with her).  i always wonder, why did it take me so long to see this? why was i caught so unaware?

my most recent revelation and re-evaluation was that i have no real interest in a major part of my life currently: my career.

now you have to understand, i have worked my butt off since i was 14, did everything from office work, to comforting crying patients, to cleaning filthy toilets, and even a little babysitting thrown in (whew, best birth control eva!), i've done everything.  one, two even three jobs at a time. why did i work so hard? because i wanted a career.  but what did i really want? security. i wanted a life above fear, some solid ground in an unpredictable life.

my high school years were filled with insecurity (uh, hello, nothin new there i guess), a tumultuous time, where i grasped for something, anything, to hang on to.  i had so much to look forward to, but unfortunately i had to learn some hard lessons. in a time where all i wanted was to have a little bit of stability, i was surrounded by change and by people coming and going through my life, some who i wanted to leave (and quickly), and some who i wanted desperately to stay.  but that's high school right?  teaches you real quick who to love, who to leave and who will stick by you to the end.

college started an unprecedented chapter, new beginnings and old friends. more jobs, more work, and more decisions to make. what life road do i take? so many directions to choose from, where do i go, what do i do? never a more difficult time, deciding your future. and then you do.  and then it's off to the races, the decision is made, now it's time to get started. i always smile to myself when recent high school grads refer to college as a time to "discover yourself", because while it is true in some ways, you really should know who you are by the time you're like 5, not 20.  and add to that the fact that college is the time that you should be stepping it up, not kicking back, well, the most unflattering version of "you" often shows up.  and it's not a pretty sight.

i hate the stereotype that women feel like they need a man to be secure.  i mean, i don't actually hate it, i understand that everyone wants to feel loved, and that love often makes us feel secure, but i hate the idea that this is what has defined chicks in so many instances.  in my case, my security has most often been defined by a career.  it has been instilled in me, since the first time i can remember it was not a choice, i was going to go to high school, graduate, go to college, graduate, get an amazing job and do incredible things.  make enough money so that i had some security, not too much $$, but just enough so that i wouldn't have to worry.  which is really a funny thought when you stop to think about it.  who are we to decide when we will have to worry? as if making sure you're "financially secure" will somehow create a barrier of safety, a money moat if you will, from the outside world and the treacherous things that can happen to any of us at any time. it's a lie, really.  as if anything worldly can keep you safe.  no amount of money, no perfect job, nothing can keep you "safe" other than a God who has already protected us from more than we can possibly understand.

so back to a career.  i finished college, and started working, like most of the adult american culture.  but recently i realized i have worked my butt off for the past 5 years, trying to "make it" (as if you can really "arrive" in human resources.  i mean c'mon, really, human resources? :)).  this is a field that requires tact, a constant responsibility for confidentiality and dealing with incredibly unhappy people.  sure, there are many amazin things in the HR field, and many parts of my job that i not only love, but also that i totally rock at.  but let's be honest, this is probably not the best fit for a loud, rambunctious, and adventurous 20-something.

so what's the deal?  oh, well, nothing much i guess.  just a realization that for the past 13+ years i have been working toward a goal that i am slowly realizing i don't really believe in.  i love my life, i love my husband, i love my dog, my family, my friends, my God, my house, ect etc (NOT my car), i love a lot of things, but i do not love my career.  i am darn good at my job, no joke, not to sound cocky, but i am.  but i am not satisfied with it, and i doubt i ever will be.

time to get a new job? no way.  i will work, and i will work hard.  i will continue to excel.  but someday i will find something that i am just as good at, and actually enjoy :)

someday baby, someday.  time to re-evaluate?  yup.  but isn't that what life is all about anyway?

a story of stupid

once upon a time there was a very dumb turkey who decided to run in front of my car.

the end. for him...

ok, not really. well, yes, he (i'm assuming it was a he, cuz really, women are typically afraid of motorized things for the most part ;)) was a big dummy and ran in front of my car.  but he did not die.  though in my theoretical defense, he would have totally deserved it.

theoretical defense #1: turkeys are mean. i mean real mean.  you meet one of those suckers in jail and they will cut you. hard.

theoretical defense #2: turkeys are ugly, and unless something is cute i don't really feel too bad about running it over (take note of this mr. mean red squirrel! no one likes you and you're not nice to our other backyard nature friends!).

theoretical defense #3: turkeys taste delicious and having run one over i would certainly not let it go to waste...

but alas, mr. stupid turkey man survived, cuz i swerved, cuz even though he is dumb, mean and ugly, and he would taste sooooo good on my plate, i still have this thing about purposefully killing things.

'cept fish.

cuz they don't have souls ya know.

drama, forgiveness and a waste of time

forgive 70 x 7?

is forgiveness a waste of time if those you forgive don't even realize that they received (or needed!) it?

i'm sorta at a loss for this one.  an on-going conversation for me, and i've heard a lot of perspectives on this, so try to bear with me.  i'm not saying that you shouldn't forgive. what i am saying is, especially in our uber-minnesotany-passive-aggressive-way, if we never even communicate that we are hurt/angry/frustrated in the first place, how can forgiveness really be given?  sure, you might let go of the grudge, maybe even feel some personal relief, but without any confession of guilt or anger to the one you felt offended by, well, there's no true reconciliation, right?

i don't know, seems like a slippery slope to me...

don't get me wrong, there are some offenses that just need to be let go, no apologies, no grudges, just letting go and be done with it.  someone cuts you off in traffic - you don't need to hunt them down, swerving through traffic, get right next to them in bumper to bumper and roll down your window to... share... your, um, "feelings".  that will never lead to actual reconciliation.  unless of course that other driver is REAL humble :)   even day to day stuff, in friendships, relationships with acquaintances and significant others, you cannot expect to have every misdeed apologized for, and often, we are the ones in the wrong for being overly sensitive or over-reacting.

however, when there is a legit hurt, a wound, inflicted by a person of importance in your life, is there any other way to reach reconciliation without sharing your feelings?  i'm not talkin "you hurt me, and blah blah blah....." forever and ever, going on for 3 pages or 3 hours about your feelings and what that person did.  it's not going to help anyone, in fact, most of the time it hurts! by the time you get done going on and on about the situation, the other person has either become so offended by your excessive explanation that they are enraged or they have tuned your overly-dramatic self out completely, responding with "yes's" and "uh huh's".  and really, if your desire is for reconciliation and not for just an apology, you should be more concerned with how they feel too, right?

hmmmmm, this is getting more complicated...

can't i just apologize and be done?!  what the heck, why does this whole forgiveness thing have to be so complicated anyway?  oooooh, Jesus thinks he's so tricky with the whole 70 x 7 thing eh?  well, i am no fool, 70 x 7 = 140, and you better believe that for some people in my life i am absolutely tracking their forgiveness tallys... and a few of 'em are gettin pretty darn close to the 140 mark lemme tell you ;)

ok, not sure how i really ended on this thing... maybe i will think abt it more and get back to you :)