I've been thinking a lot lately about how we live in this super weird time, where we actually get to choose (for the most part) if we decide to have children (assuming that we do, including all types, natural, adoption, etc. and fertility issues aside). Never in the course of history have we been able to do this. And yet... Much of what I seem to see online is how parents are essentially hostages, victims, of their children.
What is this? You chose to have a kid.
You are the parent, the adult. (Also, I will table this complaint for the sake of today's topic, but can we please STOP talking about "adulting" as if it is something bad? Geesh, you guys, we ARE adults, so please stop making RESPONSIBILITY sound like such a bad thing. I am SO guilty of making this joke, 100% have done it before, but also, I truly do mean it as a joke, not actual reality...).
I don't know when this mentality set in, and I don't know where is came from, but it is truly scary to me. It seems to be very specific to American culture (from what I've read), and it pervades basically everything from "family friendly establishments" to the art of party-planning (more on this later). My personal theory is that this stemmed from this weird mom-guilt culture, where if we are not killing ourselves to provide the very best childhood experience for our children then we are failing miserably. I don't buy into that. Guilt, as a parent, is pretty much inevitable. Your kid is gonna fall on your watch, someone is going to be mean to them in a moment when you are not there to help, and they are going to experience pain. And all of that will feel like a thousand-pound weight on your chest. It will feel like guilt. Like you should've prevented all bad things to ever happen to your child. But like I said, I don't buy into that. Because preventing any kind of pain (AKA opportunity for growth), would actually end up hurting our children. We need to teach them how to deal with life, not avoid it. Of course we don't create situations where our cherubs could be hurt, but we do have to remove the guilt, because we cannot, and should not, keep our children in perfect little bubbles.
Regardless of where this parental victim idea came from, it's here, and I for one want to fight against it!
First, I would just like to say, I am not immune to feeling like my kids rule my time and energy. I know it's hard to not feel that way, especially when they are littles and NEED so much, ALL of the time. But the truth is, we are still in control, not them. It FEELS like they are in control because much of our resources are spent on caring for them, but just like all of the other stuff in life that we say we "have to do", it is still ultimately our choice to do so AND (here's my daily reminder to myself because I get bitter and annoyed FAST on a bad day with the kiddos!) it is something that I should be thankful for the opportunity to do!
Flipping the flow (Thanks SF and Elevation Church!), changing my mindset from "I do not want to be doing this right now, I'd rather be...." to "I am choosing to do this for my children and family because I love them and because this is one way I can demonstrate that love". It's NOT easy. I feel like I'm aggressively using a lot of caps right now, but it's very true, at least for me, because I am naturally a very selfish person. I want my time to be mine. I want to do the things I want, and if I do something for someone else, I want it to be seen and recognized. Hello, I'm a Number 2 on the Enneagram, no shocker there :) But the truth is, much like with the rest of life, that kind of thinking will leave me frustrated, discouraged, and rarely full of joy.
So. Instead. I work to change my thoughts. I work to find joy. I work to remember that this is my choice and that I am in charge of myself. I don't HAVE to do this, I GET to do this (there I go with those caps again). This is something that both Ryan and I work on every.single.day. It's something that we both struggle with, but I will tell you, working toward this mentality is worth it. I promise.
Ultimately, you get to choose how to raise your kiddos. You get to choose the legacy that you leave, the way that you spend your time with them, the things that you impart on them, the way that they sleep, how they eat, how you discipline them, and shape the little people that they will become (read: shape, not control).
And the flip side of this "our children do not control us" coin, is that they do not define us, and not getting our sense of self-worth out of how they are or are not doing. Since we spend so much time an energy trying to love, nurture, protect and do general-whatever-is-best-for-them-stuff, it can feel incredibly scary if our kids are "failing" in an area we hold dear to our hearts. But again. We are the ADULTS. Our self worth can never be wrapped up in these little people - it's too much responsibility for them, and it's very foolish of us. They are our kiddos, and we will love them to our dying breaths, but because we are strong, intelligent, emotionally-stable (maybe these are goals instead of current qualities ;)), fully-formed humans, we will not put them on a pedestal that defines us.
And on adults-only functions? I feel pretty strongly about this, and I will plainly say that it is not popular with all parents. But here is where I stand on this: Because we were people before our children came along, and also because we will be people after they have moved out of our house and have their own lives, we work very hard to make sure that we still include as many "adults only" events/date nights/outings as we can (responsibly and financially). Obviously this is within reason... we are not the parents who go out every weekend and leave our kids with a sitter, 1) because we value family time with them and not only feel that is an important responsibility, but also we take the "adult" role in planning our time and family life, and 2) because we are not slaves to our kids, we actually ENJOY spending time with them.
AND, we also know that it's crucial for us to still be people outside of our kids and our family unit.
So, this means that we **sometimes** plan parties that are kid-free. This is a hard-sell for some parents. And I get it, it does mean finding a sitter or willing family member to watch your kiddos. But can I tell you why I think that attending these types of events are SO important? Because some of us (I am finger pointing at myself mainly), are not great at multi-tasking, and even though I mean to be present when we are hanging out with our friends and their kids, truthfully, my mind is still in "mom-mode". And I would say that's true for almost all of us. Sure, I really am trying to listen to my friend talk about a really difficult situation, but I am still keeping a listening ear out for screaming kids... and much of that meaningful conversation gets lost in the fray, despite our best intentions. It just doesn't work.
Please hear me on this, because I believe it with all of my heart. No matter how hard you try, your friendships will suffer if you do not make dedicated, kid-free space for them. I get it, it's hard, but trust me, I've learned from experience, it's WAY harder when you lose that support network because you don't put the necessary level of time and energy into supporting the people that you love.
Do we always have kid-free events? No. In fact, most of our hang-seshs involve kids if our friends have them, and some that don't, because we know that family-friend time together is also extremely crucial for relationship building (and also setting up our kids for future dating ;)). BUT, we also work really hard to make sure we make space for being people outside of our kids as well. And I believe that this naturally leads us to feeling less parentally claustrophobic, less like victims of our offspring, because our kids and our family life do not define us or control us.
We also work to instill this in our kids as well - that they are individuals outside of us. We all LOVE our family time together, and we do it often and with gusto. But we also deeply encourage and support their play time together without us (adults) and alone time without one another. We want our kiddos to know who they are outside of just us, and value themselves and that time spent outside of active "family time" (while we are still present and readily available if they need us), really helps us strive for free-range parenting* and independent kiddos.
*Just a note for the worrier parent: As a worrier, this is one of the most stressful parts of parenting for me, because if I am not physically within a 5 foot radius of my children my natural inclination is to conjure up them burning down the house or breaking limbs. But I know that I have to fight that, because if I stifle their growth, I am doing a disservice to them as their mother. I love and have adopted the quote "I am raising men, not little boys", meaning that yes, they are babes now, but I raise them with the goal of being fully functional, loving, kind, responsible, and inspired men. They won't just magically grow into those things, it is our responsibility to encourage, teach, and give opportunities for them to do this on a daily basis, every day, not just when they hit a certain age or milestone.
I've said a lot in this post, and I think that if you've made it to the end, 1) you should receive some sort of an award, maybe a cookie of some sort, and 2) it's possible I've offended you at least once in this blog. Honestly, I hope I haven't, but it's possible that I have. Hopefully I've stated what I believe, and what is important to us and our family, but not stated it in such a way that has made anyone else's viewpoints seem inferior. But if it has offended you, please know that my heart was to share where we are at, and what we value, not finger point or shame. If you know me, that's never my intent. And, if you ever want to dialogue about anything I've written about today (whether good or bad), I'd be happy to - as long as it's kids-free so I can pay attention to you ;)
So, wish me luck and I go into the 4th "snow day" in a row with our kiddos - and put all of what I just typed into action. Sometimes I will fail. Sometimes I will feel like I am just trying to survive. But my fight is to remember what I've said before: This is something I choose, and I want to do it with joy!
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