A Year Ago Today and Healing

Asher, our angel baby just turned four months. And you guys, he is freaking adorable.  I don't joke, this kid is truly an angel baby.  Throughout 10 months of intense nausea-misery during pregnancy,  the daydreams of a perfect little babe is what kept me going some days... but even I could not have dreamed of a more beautiful, precious, happy, well-sleeping baby.  He is the sweetest, and I just can't get enough of him...

And yet.

There is more to the story.  Seems like there always is.

The last 4 months have been nothing short of a blur.  As you can imagine, a maternity leave over an already-busy summer season, paired with three kids and tons of to-do's, lots of things randomly breaking around our house (like, you know, a dishwasher, and a car (twice), pretty crucial things to survive life...), and returning to work, everything has flown by.  Perhaps I could blame my silence over here on that, but it wouldn't be very honest or forthcoming, and I think that the real reason is important to share.

After one of the hardest seasons of my life, a pregnancy that basically kept me from enjoying the majority of the things that I love (namely food!), I was ecstatic to have a perfect little bundle of joy AND to be able to engage with life again after nearly a year of being sick.  So I was completely unprepared for the dramatic shift in hormones that had me crawling the walls with severe anxiety.  We're talking waking in the middle of the night multiple times, up for hours (and not because of the baby), and unable to shake horrible imagined scenarios (none of which were even remotely plausible).  I felt consumed by being fearful of leaving Asher, unable to break free from what seemed like realistic reasons to be afraid.

While I'd never experienced postpartum depression, which I was fairly familiar with by hearing about from others, this was something very different, something I hadn't heard anyone else talk about - extreme postpartum anxiety.  Trying to "get outside of it" seemed impossible, and self talk only worked if I could have some semblance of normal thought process...  But I felt like a robot, things were on a loop in my brain, frantic to get things accomplished and in order, but at the same time unable to really focus on anything, constantly moving and doing at an impossible rate.  I was uber-productive, reorganizing entire areas of our home, cooking, cleaning, doing ALL of the things, but still never being able to rest.

There are so many hard things about having a baby, but whenever anyone would ask how I was doing, I felt foolish for saying anything other than "good!".  How could I complain?  How could I be struggling?  This was my third child, I knew the ropes and nothing was really "new".  Asher was an incredibly easy baby since day 1 (literally every nurse and doctor we've seen has commented on how chill and easy he is), he has slept through the night since 5 weeks old with zero sleep training, and is pretty much happy 24/7.  How could I be anything less than ecstatic all of the time?  There are women who have ridiculously hard newborns and have complications and truly awful things happen.  Though I had a really horrible pregnancy, I had an easy baby, over a beautiful summer season filled with family and friends, able to have a few days a week with just Asher sans the "big boys"...  I had the maternity leave I had dreamed of and worked so hard to plan.  So how could I even think of complaining about struggling with this extreme anxiety?  It seemed so ridiculous compared to what others have struggled with, and honestly, like something I should be able to just pull myself up by the bootstraps and "get over".  And yet, it consumed me.  I didn't recognize myself.  And I certainly didn't like myself.

But I didn't know how to make it better - I tried eating healthier, working out, seeing my counselor, taking supplements, praying (SO much praying), but nothing seemed to make a substantial difference.  I had never felt this way after having Axel and Arlo, so I knew that this was different, but I tried to convince myself that this was just a phase.  But after months of sleeping poorly, unable to think clearly, constantly trying to right the ship, and finding myself unable to cope, I was at the end of my rope. Finally, in desperation, and after an incredibly awful week, I broke down and set up an appointment with my midwife.  I was officially diagnosed with severe postpartum anxiety.

Honestly, I didn't even know that was a thing.  I'd heard all about postpartum depression and what I was experiencing was definitely not that.  But I was so relieved to know that I wasn't crazy (well, sort of ;)), that something real was happening with my hormones and brain chemistry.  I almost balked when my midwife suggested medication, because even though I FULLY support this for those struggling with anxiety and depression (it's a real thing people!), I still felt myself fighting the stigma... that I should be "strong enough" to beat this on my own.  But after months of just trying to survive, she convinced me to at least try to see if it helped.  I started medication the next day.

And you guys, within a few days it just started to get better. Not all at once, and truly, it has been a hard journey, but, bit by bit, I have been finding healing.  Starting to find myself again. It's like a fog was lifted... I can think clearly, I'm not plagued by anxiety, I'm able to sit down and actually enjoy my angel baby and my precious older boys.  I can sit and relax without feeling the need to do five million things.  I didn't even realize how bad it had gotten until I started to feel better and realized how feeling safe and relaxed could feel again.

I have been deeply grateful for the incredible support from my husband, family, and friends, who continuously (and sometimes obsessively) checked in and bombarded me with offers of help.  I truly could not have made it without them.

I could never have predicted this, especially after such a difficult pregnancy, I had expected to be nothing more than extremely relieved and ecstatic to be done being pregnant and moving on to the next phase of life.  But, you know, life doesn't work like that :)

Typically I wouldn't share something so personal (and honestly, feeling pretty vulnerable over here as I type this), but I consider myself to be a pretty informed mama, and I'd never heard of postpartum anxiety - so I felt it was extremely important for me to not only be transparent about what I went through, but also to share so that if any other mamas (or future mamas, or baby daddys who need to watch out for the mama in their lives!) ever experience this they know where to turn and how to get help.***

It's been quite a year (we found out we were pregnant with Asher exactly a year ago today :)).  But I wouldn't trade this little face for the world.  Thankful for healing and peace, and a God that is bigger than anything we will ever face...

***If you or someone you love is experiencing anything like what I described above, please check out this site https://www.postpartum.net/learn-more/anxiety-during-pregnancy-postpartum/ and contact your doctor ASAP.

Asher - The Story of Baby Tres

Round three!

We are so excited to finally have baby boy "tres" in our arms, after what has seemed like the world's longest pregnancy ever! :)

Name - Asher George Lindstedt
The name Asher means "fortunate, blessed, happy one".  This pregnancy has been an incredibly hard season for us, and one of the things we had spoken over us by friends and family, time and time again, is that this little babe was going to be one of our biggest blessings in life (along with his two older brothers of course!).  This name just seemed so fitting, especially when he made his appearance, and has been the most chill, relaxed, calm, and happy baby!  The middle name of George is for Ryan's grandpa, Asher's only living great grandfather.  As with the older boys, we wanted to honor our heritage, and also honor George in a special way since he is still here with us.

Stats
Born at 7:01 PM, on Monday, June 24th, tipping the scales at a mere 8 lbs 11 oz (versus Axel's 9 lbs and Arlo's 10 lbs!), and measuring 21.5 inches.  Fun fact, all of our boys have been born on Mondays... We're nothing if not consistent!

Birth Story
Because we Lindstedts don't like anything to be boring, this birth, just like the last two, had it's very own trajectory.  Axel's story started off with my water breaking two weeks early (and very unexpectedly!), was a mad rush to the finish line, but a very rough 2.5 hours of pushing and lots of hemorrhaging.   Arlo's story, completely different, while still a week early, his birth began with prodromal labor, contractions every 5-10 minutes for THREE days before finally getting into active labor (phew!), but pushing was only 20 minutes, and the epidural felt like absolute heaven!

We had been warned that since both of the other two were early, and very large, to expect that this babe would be early as well, and likely the biggest of the bunch.  Of course, in true third baby fashion, Asher decided to ignore all of this and do his own thing.  It's true what they say, the last baby is always a wild card :)  They didn't want us to go overdue since the last two were early and large, which then quickly turned into a waiting game, and finally, a planned induction. 

By far, this was the least stressful labor experience, and it was definitely the right decision for us.  The morning started off super relaxing, breakfast and time to get ready, then a chance to check in at the hospital, unpack and get settled before getting started.  This really set a gentle pace for the day, and was much needed.  Though I unfortunately vomited right up until the very end of labor, I think having such a peaceful environment definitely made a big difference.  After having such a hard pregnancy, it was truly wonderful to have such a relaxing birth experience!  We started induction, which was slow at first, but when things picked up they went FAST!  Once they assessed me as fully dilated, 4 pushes (and less then 5 minutes) later, Asher was in my arms!  He came so fast, in fact, that his poor eyes were very bloodshot, and his ears were pinned back a little (will totally go back to normal on their own), which is hilariously adorable :)

Where We Are Now
We have been SO blessed that Asher's story did NOT include another hospital stay due to severe jaudice, unlike his big brothers.  We headed home late on Wednesday night and haven't looked back!  Asher is a fantastic eater and great sleeper, which has been an incredible blessing, and even means we've gotten a little bit of sleep since he made his arrival :) 

After our last postpartum experience and Ryan's health issues, we are particularly grateful for a much more calm and relaxed birth story this time around.  We have experienced a new level of peace with Asher's birth, and are looking forward to a fun-filled (and sleepless) summer, making the most of a short season.

So here we are, a world away from where we were just a week ago today.  Feeling incredibly blessed and soaking up all of the newborn snuggles, grunts, and baby breath!  We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers, and are so thankful for all of the well-wishes!

Why I Won't Be Breastfeeding My Third Child (and other things I wish someone had told me before I became a mom)

This little blog was born out of necessity, as I counted up recently how many friends have reached out to me about their "breastfeeding journey" or lack thereof (SO many over the last few years alone), and I've heard some variation of this same response every time "I didn't know who to talk to, because everyone is either so polarized or private about it!"

So, here I am. Blogging about something that I typically wouldn't share on such an open forum... but as I said to a friend recently, if we're not willing to share our stories, no one knows who to go to for help. Here goes nothing!

I Am Pro-"Fed Is Best"... But I Am Also Pro-Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding can be wonderful and beautiful, and incredibly empowering.  But it can also be awful and painful and downright depressing.  There are pros and cons, and the same goes for formula feeding...

And I am here to say that I don't think that "fed is best" and "pro-breastfeeding" are mutually exclusive...  Because we live in a very privileged day and age, where we can both:

1. Gain crucial information for decision making about our health and our babies, and 
2. Decide what's best for us knowing all of the circumstances that are involved in our individual situations (and not just what the current societal norm tells us to do).  You can know what is technically "best", and still know that it's not best for you or your baby.

And with no further adieu, here is one of the most controversial statements I've ever uttered (and yet, it really shouldn't be...):  Besides some post-natal bonding time, I will not be breastfeeding my third child. 

This statement, and the reasons why, have come up a LOT during my pregnancy. More often than I ever thought it possibly could. People have had very strong feelings about it, and that leads me into the first part of this equation, understanding someone's story...  This is something that mom culture does very poorly  - we don't ask why someone is making this choice, we simply either make a judgement or share an unsolicited opinion.  Instead, we need to learn to take the time to actually ask why, and listen to the answer, without providing any input unless asked.  Ahhh yes, listening... that thing that's always super hard to do :)

My Story

• I breastfed both of my older children
• Both of my older children had significant lip and tongue ties
• Both of my older children were quite large at birth (9 lbs and 10 lbs, respectively)
• Both of my older children ended up having severe jaundice and had to be re-hospitalized for not only bilirubin treatment, but also dehydration (despite my desperate efforts to feed them constantly)
• My supply, no matter how much I tried, was never enough for either child (yes, I tried the supplements, the bars, the tea, extra pumping sessions... you name it, I tried it!), and they still required supplementing in order to thrive

The long and short of it is that breastfeeding and I were not friends.  I hated it.  And not just because of the pain and discomfort.  But also because I hated that there was no relief, no break, and no one to "take a shift" for me.  It was hard and awful and I couldn't wait to be done.

My breaking point with my first child was at a 2 week appointment with the pediatrician where I began bawling when she suggested that perhaps it was time to start regularly supplementing.  I felt like a complete failure.  I wasn't, but I felt that way.  Thank you postpartum hormones...  She was so kind about it, and offered some medical information that I had never been aware of - that the "benefits of breastfeeding have been vastly overstated".  WHAT?

I immediately stopped crying.  A medical professional was telling me that while, yes, technically breastmilk is "best", many of the benefits that I'd been hanging my hat on weren't even scientifically proven.  I won't go much further into this, as I think it's helpful for each person to do their own research, but here is a good study that shows some very interesting statistics, and I can provide more if you reach out to me separately.

So, my journey in trying to feed my babies other than just "naturally" (as so many people liked to call breastfeeding) began. I tried it all, finger feeding tubes, by syringe, by spoon, and by bottle, with donated breast milk, my own milk, and finally, formula.  If it was an option, I tried it.  And ultimately, with both kiddos, I ended up bottle feeding formula exclusively (1st kid at 6 months, 2nd kid at 3 months).

The Judgement 

Even as I type this, I am so tempted to add details to insulate myself from the judgmental comments, ones that I have heard before, and at the time, really hurt.  Wanting to add information, like the reason I didn't "stick it out" as long with my second child was because at 11 weeks postpartum, while still on maternity leave, my husband had an emergency hospitalization and then diagnosed with cancer, and my body literally just shut down from the stress and stopped producing milk. You know, a pretty good excuse.

Oh and a million other things I could mention.  But the point is, IT SHOULDN'T MATTER.  Why I chose to eventually exclusively bottle feed formula shouldn't need to come at the end of a long list of excuses.  But in this day and age, judgement of how a mother feeds her child is considered "normal".  Mommy boards are mean, even women with close friends or family have very strong opinions on this, and for some reason, they have no problem sharing them, even when not asked (luckily I have not experienced this!).

In a country that claims that we want to support mothers at all costs (and want the government to change ALL of the things to do this as well), we still won't, as a society, accept a parents (not just mother by the way!) right and intuition about what is best for them and their child in their feeding journey.

We say "do what's best for you", but really we mean "do what's best for you AND breastfeed".  We mom shame. We guilt.  We have posters in every single hospital room and clinic shouting "BREAST IS BEST". We have hospitals that literally won't provide active support to a mom who isn't breastfeeding unless the baby is deemed medically unable to breastfeed.  We have entire websites and countless resources for lactation and breastfeeding, but basically zero for those who are bottle and/or formula feeding.  We have social media mom groups that are ONLY for mothers who breastfeed, and in fact, will remove you as a member if they find out that you're not.

Even as an experienced mom, with two older formula-fed children who are happy, healthy and well-adjusted, I still feel a tremendous pang of guilt as I walk through this third pregnancy and have experienced no less than 2-3 questions and negative comments regarding my choice about not breastfeeding at each prenatal appointment, and even more strangely, comments from complete strangers while pregnant and buying formula.  Even if you believe what you are doing is right, to fight the constant wave of judgement and opinions can make even the most confident mom start to doubt herself.

When Breast Isn't Best

And what about when breast isn't best?  Be it because of baby's needs OR because of mommy's needs.

If you Google formula feeding, you may, POSSIBLY, several pages down, be able to dig up a few articles explaining when feeding formula is best for the baby.  But rarely, if at all, will you find those that remind mothers it's okay not to breastfeed if it's best for THEM.  It seems, the public is too afraid that this is a slippery slope, that mothers obviously aren't hard enough on themselves as it is and clearly are always looking for the easy way out...  Sure, that sounds right.  #momguiltculture

If the idea that (most) moms are trying to take the easy way out isn't ludicrous enough as it is (hello, have you SEEN pregnancy, ain't nobody gettin' out of that "easy"!), I cannot tell you how many women I've talked to, hearing their broken dreams of a beautiful nursing and bonding experience, something they really WANTED to do, but just couldn't.  It's so clear to me, and hopefully others, that sometimes breastfeeding just doesn't work for everyone.  That is not a slippery slope.  That is a fact.

Sometimes it's because of our bodies, and sometimes it's because of other, just as important reasons, and there shouldn't be a requirement of new moms to explain why.  Especially not at every prenatal appointment that they go to and to every family member and friend who are overly zealous in their promoting of breastfeeding.  If a parent is doing their best and are feeding their child well, that is all that should matter.  We need to support moms in whatever way we can, and that means putting aside our own opinions and just asking them what THEY need and what THEY think is best.

Back To Me

Our decision about not breastfeeding our third child, even with the horror of the first two experiences still fresh in my memory, was still very hard to make.  I felt that I was somehow "cheating" my third baby from the experiences I had with the first two (even though in my mind it was awful).

This decision was sealed, however, when I met with our pediatrician in preparation for the birth of this third babe, and she confirmed that based on the testing they did with both of my first two kiddos, that they had what's called "breastmilk jaundice", and that it's highly likely that our third babe will have as well if I try to breastfeed.  This is very rare, and while it certainly isn't fatal, it is definitely not good for baby's health.  Essentially, for at least the first few weeks of my baby's lives, breastmilk causes significant issues, and in the case of both of our older children, required additional hospitalization, lots of heartache and procedures.

And while I do plan to try pumping (for after baby is past the jaundice risk point), I know based on how my body has reacted in the past, that it will likely be unsuccessful.

On Why This Topic Matters

So I share my story, not because I think breastfeeding is bad, or wrong, or not the "best" option.  I don't think any of those things, far from it!  It's not because I don't wish I was one of those picture-perfect moms you see blissfully breastfeeding their newborns, I wish I was.  It's also not because I believe that formula is always the answer, because it's not....

I share it because no one knows what will work best for them until they are placed in the situation and know all of the factors.  And we need to let new moms know that it's going to be okay, because when all you're trying to do is keep your little babe safe and healthy, everything can seem so big and scary.  It's going to be okay if they want to breastfeed and want to make the necessary sacrifices to do so, and we need to let them know that we will support them!  It's also going to be okay if they formula feed or use donor breastmilk, or any other combination of every single option out there, and we need to let them know that we will support them!

The bottom line is that it's going to be okay, and they just need to do what's best for them and their baby.  And that we are there for them no matter what!  That's what mom-culture should be about.  After all, aren't we all just trying to do the best we can?

So, back to that "controversial" statement: Besides some post-natal bonding time, I will not be breastfeeding my third child. 

Does it sound so controversial now?  Does it sound like I'm trying to enrage or start mommy-wars on what's best?  I hope not... After hearing my story and my reasons, do you, perhaps, have a little understanding for the reasons why I am making the choices I am?  I hope so - I hope that this is how we can be towards every mom we encounter when the topic of feeding comes up.  I hope that we can learn to listen and not judge, we can hear without needing to always "respond" or provide a counter-argument, that we can be a safe space for other moms and not always trying to "help" them with our good intentions.

So let's encourage the moms around us, let's be honest about our stories, and remind each other that we're just doing the best that we can and it's all going to be okay! 

Survival No More (And Why I Believe In Kid-free Parties!)

I read this article the other day about Busy Phillips.  Say what you will about my girl Audrey/Laurie (Dawson's Creek and Cougar Town, respectively), she doesn't always rub peeps the right way, but I'll tell you what, she hit the nail on the head with this, at least for me.  And especially poignant right now, since, if you live in Minnesota (or surrounding area), you've been stuck in the house with your kiddos for FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT... :)

I've been thinking a lot lately about how we live in this super weird time, where we actually get to choose (for the most part) if we decide to have children (assuming that we do, including all types, natural, adoption, etc. and fertility issues aside).  Never in the course of history have we been able to do this.  And yet...  Much of what I seem to see online is how parents are essentially hostages, victims, of their children.

What is this? You chose to have a kid.

You are the parent, the adult. (Also, I will table this complaint for the sake of today's topic, but can we please STOP talking about "adulting" as if it is something bad?  Geesh, you guys, we ARE adults, so please stop making RESPONSIBILITY sound like such a bad thing.  I am SO guilty of making this joke, 100% have done it before, but also, I truly do mean it as a joke, not actual reality...).

You are in charge, not the kids. We are not parental martyrs.

I don't know when this mentality set in, and I don't know where is came from, but it is truly scary to me.  It seems to be very specific to American culture (from what I've read), and it pervades basically everything from "family friendly establishments" to the art of party-planning (more on this later).  My personal theory is that this stemmed from this weird mom-guilt culture, where if we are not killing ourselves to provide the very best childhood experience for our children then we are failing miserably. I don't buy into that.  Guilt, as a parent, is pretty much inevitable.  Your kid is gonna fall on your watch, someone is going to be mean to them in a moment when you are not there to help, and they are going to experience pain.  And all of that will feel like a thousand-pound weight on your chest.  It will feel like guilt.  Like you should've prevented all bad things to ever happen to your child.  But like I said, I don't buy into that.  Because preventing any kind of pain (AKA opportunity for growth), would actually end up hurting our children.  We need to teach them how to deal with life, not avoid it. Of course we don't create situations where our cherubs could be hurt, but we do have to remove the guilt, because we cannot, and should not, keep our children in perfect little bubbles.

Regardless of where this parental victim idea came from, it's here, and I for one want to fight against it!

                                     

First, I would just like to say, I am not immune to feeling like my kids rule my time and energy.  I know it's hard to not feel that way, especially when they are littles and NEED so much, ALL of the time.  But the truth is, we are still in control, not them.  It FEELS like they are in control because much of our resources are spent on caring for them, but just like all of the other stuff in life that we say we "have to do", it is still ultimately our choice to do so AND (here's my daily reminder to myself because I get bitter and annoyed FAST on a bad day with the kiddos!) it is something that I should be thankful for the opportunity to do! 

Flipping the flow (Thanks SF and Elevation Church!), changing my mindset from "I do not want to be doing this right now, I'd rather be...." to "I am choosing to do this for my children and family because I love them and because this is one way I can demonstrate that love".   It's NOT easy.  I feel like I'm aggressively using a lot of caps right now, but it's very true, at least for me, because I am naturally a very selfish person.  I want my time to be mine.  I want to do the things I want, and if I do something for someone else, I want it to be seen and recognized.  Hello, I'm a Number 2 on the Enneagram, no shocker there :)  But the truth is, much like with the rest of life, that kind of thinking will leave me frustrated, discouraged, and rarely full of joy.

So.  Instead.  I work to change my thoughts.  I work to find joy.  I work to remember that this is my choice and that I am in charge of myself. I don't HAVE to do this, I GET to do this (there I go with those caps again).  This is something that both Ryan and I work on every.single.day.  It's something that we both struggle with, but I will tell you, working toward this mentality is worth it.  I promise.

Ultimately, you get to choose how to raise your kiddos.  You get to choose the legacy that you leave, the way that you spend your time with them, the things that you impart on them, the way that they sleep, how they eat, how you discipline them, and shape the little people that they will become (read: shape, not control). 

And the flip side of this "our children do not control us" coin, is that they do not define us, and not getting our sense of self-worth out of how they are or are not doing. Since we spend so much time an energy trying to love, nurture, protect and do general-whatever-is-best-for-them-stuff, it can feel incredibly scary if our kids are "failing" in an area we hold dear to our hearts.  But again.  We are the ADULTS.  Our self worth can never be wrapped up in these little people - it's too much responsibility for them, and it's very foolish of us.  They are our kiddos, and we will love them to our dying breaths, but because we are strong, intelligent, emotionally-stable (maybe these are goals instead of current qualities ;)), fully-formed humans, we will not put them on a pedestal that defines us.

And on adults-only functions?  I feel pretty strongly about this, and I will plainly say that it is not popular with all parents.  But here is where I stand on this: Because we were people before our children came along, and also because we will be people after they have moved out of our house and have their own lives, we work very hard to make sure that we still include as many "adults only" events/date nights/outings as we can (responsibly and financially).  Obviously this is within reason... we are not the parents who go out every weekend and leave our kids with a sitter, 1) because we value family time with them and not only feel that is an important responsibility, but also we take the "adult" role in planning our time and family life, and 2) because we are not slaves to our kids, we actually ENJOY spending time with them. 

AND, we also know that it's crucial for us to still be people outside of our kids and our family unit. 

So, this means that we **sometimes** plan parties that are kid-free.  This is a hard-sell for some parents.  And I get it, it does mean finding a sitter or willing family member to watch your kiddos.  But can I tell you why I think that attending these types of events are SO important?  Because some of us (I am finger pointing at myself mainly), are not great at multi-tasking, and even though I mean to be present when we are hanging out with our friends and their kids, truthfully, my mind is still in "mom-mode".  And I would say that's true for almost all of us.  Sure, I really am trying to listen to my friend talk about a really difficult situation, but I am still keeping a listening ear out for screaming kids... and much of that meaningful conversation gets lost in the fray, despite our best intentions.  It just doesn't work.

Please hear me on this, because I believe it with all of my heart. No matter how hard you try, your friendships will suffer if you do not make dedicated, kid-free space for them.  I get it, it's hard, but trust me, I've learned from experience, it's WAY harder when you lose that support network because you don't put the necessary level of time and energy into supporting the people that you love.

Do we always have kid-free events?  No. In fact, most of our hang-seshs involve kids if our friends have them, and some that don't, because we know that family-friend time together is also extremely crucial for relationship building (and also setting up our kids for future dating ;)).  BUT, we also work really hard to make sure we make space for being people outside of our kids as well.  And I believe that this naturally leads us to feeling less parentally claustrophobic, less like victims of our offspring, because our kids and our family life do not define us or control us. 

We also work to instill this in our kids as well - that they are individuals outside of us.  We all LOVE our family time together, and we do it often and with gusto.  But we also deeply encourage and support their play time together without us (adults) and alone time without one another.  We want our kiddos to know who they are outside of just us, and value themselves and that time spent outside of active "family time" (while we are still present and readily available if they need us), really helps us strive for free-range parenting* and independent kiddos. 

*Just a note for the worrier parent: As a worrier, this is one of the most stressful parts of parenting for me, because if I am not physically within a 5 foot radius of my children my natural inclination is to conjure up them burning down the house or breaking limbs.  But I know that I have to fight that, because if I stifle their growth, I am doing a disservice to them as their mother.  I love and have adopted the quote "I am raising men, not little boys", meaning that yes, they are babes now, but I raise them with the goal of being fully functional, loving, kind, responsible, and inspired men.  They won't just magically grow into those things, it is our responsibility to encourage, teach, and give opportunities for them to do this on a daily basis, every day, not just when they hit a certain age or milestone.

I've said a lot in this post, and I think that if you've made it to the end, 1) you should receive some sort of an award, maybe a cookie of some sort, and 2) it's possible I've offended you at least once in this blog.  Honestly, I hope I haven't, but it's possible that I have.  Hopefully I've stated what I believe, and what is important to us and our family, but not stated it in such a way that has made anyone else's viewpoints seem inferior.  But if it has offended you, please know that my heart was to share where we are at, and what we value, not finger point or shame.  If you know me, that's never my intent.  And, if you ever want to dialogue about anything I've written about today (whether good or bad), I'd be happy to - as long as it's kids-free so I can pay attention to you ;)

So, wish me luck and I go into the 4th "snow day" in a row with our kiddos - and put all of what I just typed into action.  Sometimes I will fail.  Sometimes I will feel like I am just trying to survive.  But my fight is to remember what I've said before: This is something I choose, and I want to do it with joy!