The magical season that we, here in Minnesota, call "Fair Time"! If you've never lived here, you can't possibly understand. No offense, but it's true. It's this incredible time, terrible traffic, amazing food, out-of-this-world people-watching, sore feet, sunburned shoulders, and a satisfied heart.
The whole state gets into this thing, and I mean, they get INTO it! From farmers to vendors, regular Joes to beauty queens (and their butter heads!), the granola folks to the People of Walmart... if you love Minnesota, then you love the fair. Ok, that last statement might not totally be true, but it really should be. Just sayin' (I'm lookin' at you Michael Bernard).
It's amazing. And beautiful. And I love it.
But. Yes, there's always a but. There are a few things that you need to know about the state fair before attending, even if you've been there before. Luckily, you have an expert fair-goer to lead you on your way. So, in preparation of our fair trip coming up on Sunday, I decided to share my wealth of knowledge, with the ABC's of the MN State Fair. Today we'll be covering A, with B and C coming up in the next few days.
Ready? Set? FAIR!
The ABC's of the MN State Fair
A is for Attire:
So, this whole clothing thing sounds all fun and what not, but don't be confused, this is not a "What to Wear - MN State Fair Edition!" This is serious business right here. You think I'm kidding? Do you see this face? (Actually, you can't see my face, but I'll give you a hint, it's not a kidding face.) What you wear to the fair could literally change your life. Ok, not literally. But, for real, this is one of the biggest fair decisions you can make, right up there with deciding between Tiny Tim's and Tom Thumb's Mini Doughnuts (ALWAYS Tom Thumb's, this should not EVEN be a question. Like seriously, I'm actually pissed that you even asked.) Why does it matter what you wear you ask? Because the wrong attire can land you quickly in sunburned, blistered, wedgie-city real quick. So let's all just try and avoid that, ok? Ok.
1) Weather Appropriate: This one SHOULD be self-explanatory, but since every.single.year I see some dummy sweating balls while wearing a parka and sweats when it's 95 freakin' degrees AND another (just as) dummy shivering her bum off while wearing daisy dukes, a 'kini top and sky-high-heels when it's 55 out and rainy. I'm sorry, but these people are dumb. If you don't wear something weather appropriate, I don't care how awesome(ly terrible) you look, you will be miserable, and so will everyone with you, as you complain, loudly, all day, about how uncomfortable you are.
You have the internet, right? Step 1: Google "weather for (insert day going to the fair here)" Step 2: Don't be stupid.
Pretty simple, huh? Yup, that's what I thought.
2) Comfort: Again, I kinda feel like this seems pretty logical, but I literally lost count last year trying to keep track of the seriously uncomfortable looking people I saw. So, it seems worth mentioning.
I have two words for you: fat pants. Buy them. Use them. Love them. No, but for real. Even if you don't wear them TO the fair, you will need them the day AFTER the fair. At least, you will if you did it right.
Ok, but actually, comfortable clothes are important. You're talking to someone who has sprained multiple ankles in afore-mentioned sky-high-heels, but the fair is neither the time nor the place. Do I love a nice, tight, satin corset dress that you can barely breath in (but also look amaze-balls in)? I mean, this is the second dumbest question you've asked today. Obvi, yes. But no, not at the fair, that I do not love. You will regret it, trust me. Have some sweet new kicks that you just can't wait to try out? Because you'll be "walking a lot" and "this is the perfect time to break them in". No, just no. The only thing you have to look forward to with that decision is 5 inch blisters on your feet and a cut-short fair experience (because you can only hobble so far on lava-temperature cement and fair food sticking to your tootsies.)
Sub-categories of comfort are:
- Layers: Layer, layer, layer! If the previously-mentioned weather is unpredictable, layers are your best bet. But ALWAYS go with light layers, because whatever you take off you're gonna hafta carry around with you, and ain't nobody got time for heavy-sweater-carrying.
- Expandable: Ok, I was only half kidding about the fat pants. For real though, if you plan on eating your body-weight (x2) like I do, you're gonna want something that gives in all of the right places, so plan accordingly.
- Accessories: You're gonna want a bag/purse/man-purse or something to carry stuff in that isn't ungodly uncomfortable. Trust me on this one. No one wants to have to keep re-buying their $0.50 unlimited-milk-cups because they have no where to stash them while they walk around all day. You're also gonna wanna wear comfy shoes, for walking, trudging, stumbling, and finally, falling on the ground after some Sweet Martha's for a good ol' fashioned grass nap.
- Sundries: When the going get's tough, the tough get sunscreen. And chapstick. And ibuprofen (for heat headaches), tums (for too much fair food indigestion), bug spray (for late night concerts), etc. etc. You don't need a large amount of this stuff, but if you think feeling icky will make or break your fair experience I suggest you plan on having a few extras in your bag.
So, kids, just find something comfortable to wear. You'll thank me. But the people who would've gotten to laugh at your super awkward hobbling around the fair don't thank me, because they would've loved to have some additional comic relief besides just all of those cray crays and fanny pack folks.
3) The "Whoever You Really Don't Wanna See and Then You See Them" Outfit: You probably know about this whole Murphy's Law thing, right? You look great every day. Cuz you take care of yourself. But you never see anyone you know when you're out and about, so, one day, you get a little lazy, maybe just a little greasy and gross... and then BAM! That's the day you see the ONE person in the world you REALLY don't want to see you while looking like absolute poo. Yup, sounds about right to me.
Ok, now think of that and apply it to the MN State Fair statistics. Ready for a little math? I promise it won't hurt too much... Minnesota's current population is approximately 5.3 million. And you know how many people attend the fair each year? Around 1.7 million. That means that approximately 1 out of every 5 people in Minnesota attend the fair. How many people do you know? I'm guessing it's more than 5.
So, if you're planning on being "lost in the crowd", and never seeing anyone you know, good luck with that one. Or, if you don't care what you wear when seeing people you do or do not know, that's cool. But for the rest of you, I suggest that you find something that you like to wear. Do you have to look like a model? No. I mean, honestly, your makeup will probably melt off your face after 5 minutes and your hair will be plastered with sweat to your forehead anyway. But, hey, if you do happen to see that one person, at least you'll feel a little less crappy about it, right?
Alright, that wraps up the A, hopefully I've helped prepare you just a little bit for the wonderful experience called The Fair!
Stay tuned later this week for the rest of the ABC's of the MN State Fair. I promise to not disappoint :)
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