Invisible Dads

I've only been a mom for a little over two weeks, but I've already noticed that dads really have a rough time in a lot of ways.  From getting very little time off to take care of a new baby and recovering mother, to the medical community pretty much ignoring their presence - dads, especially new dads, really get the raw end of the deal.

And it kinda makes me mad.

I know what you're thinking. At least I think I do... "What?! The moms have it waaaaaaaaay harder, crazy lady!"  Of course being a mom is hard, but we already know that.  There are literally entire sections of the library that cover that topic.  Therefore, there's no reason for me to go into it further (and much less eloquently than the professionals).  Right? Right. :) Ok, back to the topic at hand...

Last week was Axel's first doctor's appointment.  Ryan rushed home from work so that he could take us to it (who knew you weren't supposed to drive right after giving birth?!?) and when they got us into the room they asked us to get Axel undressed.  Ry quickly took charge, undressing him expertly, handling Axel's diaper blowout AND peeing all over himself like an old pro, which the nurse was clearly surprised by.

The thing is, she shouldn't be surprised, because there are a lot of really great dads out there (and I happen to be lucky enough to be married to a pretty spectacular one :)).  Throughout our (first and second) hospital stay, I watched as my husband patiently handled the many nurses and medical professionals who only spoke to me, with some not even acknowledging his presence. Not to mention, he did all of this while simultaneously fielding all of the phone calls/texts from fam and friends, taking care of our house and dogs, AND pretty much everything else in our lives (can we say superman?!? :))  I couldn't figure out why he was being treated this way... I mean, I understand that sometimes there isn't a dad around, but when there is, shouldn't they be considered as an equal partner?

It got me thinking, and where I landed wasn't pretty.  But before I say it, keep in mind that I know I've only been a mom a short while, so I certainly don't claim to know everything...  (yet ;) ) but, I've also experienced having an awesome dad (Dan The Man), so I feel like I've got a good perspective from the other side of things as well.

Here goes!

We all know about absentee fathers, dads who walk out, or those who just don't seem very invested in the lives of their children.  There is no excuse for that, absolutely none.  But, aside from those situations, have we as a culture made dads invisible?  Expendable? There are families without the traditional male role (father), and obviously I'm not talking about those, that's a different situation entirely. I am talking about those families where there is, or was, a dad, and we've cut him out of the picture, or at least out of any important role.

We've either expected so little, or discouraged them so much, is it a wonder at all when some men live up to such poor expectations?  Again, I am not excusing a not-so-great father by any means, I'm just saying that it seems like we do a pretty crappy job of encouraging men to be good fathers.  And yes, I do mean encourage.  Genuinely.  And just to clarify, encouraging is not the cranky complaining of a spouse/partner who is short-tempered and yelling at the father to do more.  Why do we encourage?  Because, just like motherhood, not every guy is good at fatherhood naturally, and may need some help and positive reinforcement along the way.  That said, this does not remove any level of responsibility for a man to be a good father - it is ultimately up to him to do that, to put in the time and energy, but we can certainly do our best to help them!

To say our society is to be blamed would be useless, but I will say that it is certainly makes things worse.  Just look at how we treat fathers differently than mothers on the most basic of levels - most jobs won't give paternity leave, which keeps most men who would like to be more supportive from doing so, as well as taking away opportunities to bond with their new child.  They rarely get the ability to take time off work to be more involved in their kid's lives, and when was the last time you saw a dad taking a day off when the kids are home from school (you don't, because employers expect that the mom will do this, not dad)?  We have lack-luster dads out there, it's true, but we also have a lot of dads who WANT to be more involved, but we (our culture) make it very hard for them.  Some dads have exited the picture, but some dads have been exed-out of the picture without much say.  

It shouldn't need to be said, but I'll say it anyway - fathers should not be expendable. They should not be invisible.  They should be encouraged and supported to be the best dads that they can be.  Absolutely.  Entirely. 100% of the time.  'Nough said.

I could go on, but I'll end here, because I don't want it to turn into ranting... (if it hasn't already :)) but I'll leave you with the following thought:

We can't expect fathers to be mothers, just like we wouldn't expect mothers to be fathers, BUT, in a society where a lot of dads don't even stick around, shouldn't we be doing our absolute best to encourage the ones that do?

(And props to my awesome hubby, who is already an amazing father!)