Hard - The Optical Illusion

Two of my very dear friends have posted some amazing blog entries over the past few days, and, as they usually do, they have inspired me.

http://thekleinjungs.com/thailand/dirty-love/

http://www.gallerycovenant.org/writings/2014/2/20/sparrows.html

These women speak well, and not just for the sake of pretty writing.  They don't just slap some words on a page and call it good - no, they share, they are vulnerable, and they do it not for their glory, but for His.  And because they did, they are inspiring me to do the same.  Maybe they will even inspire you too... 

So, in the same vein of being open and vulnerable, I'm just going to come out and say it - right now things are hard.   

You might be surprised, as a good friend was recently when I shared how I was feeling.  Sure, most people seem like they have it all together, but here I stand, shouting on a mountaintop of exhaustion (and in sweats that I've been wearing for 1.75 days), that right now it's just hard.   

Here's what I want you to hear - just because we all post happy pictures, talk about the highlights of our lives, and still have a smile on our faces does not mean that everything is perfect.  Right?  Right.  

Here's why you need to remember this - what you see of someone's life may be an optical illusion.  

It does not mean that we are deceptive and trying to make our lives out to be more appealing than they are, and it doesn't mean that we want others to think that we are perfect - it just means that no one knows what's really going on in someone else's heart and mind unless they actually share it.  Am I going to post pictures of the dark circles under my eyes and lament over my sleepless nights all over Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter (who am I kidding, I don't even HAVE Tumblr and my Twitter account has gathered more dust than my running shoes over the past 10 months! ;))?  No, my personal opinion is that there are enough negative things out there, I don't need to add to them. But just because you don't see those things doesn't mean my life is perfect.  Far from it :)

I'm not gonna go on and on about how you want others to perceive you, or how you present yourself (I have other blog entries about that - see "this isn't everything you are" and "Eye of the Beholder"), on social media, in person or otherwise. That's not really my point, and honestly, that's a very personal decision, completely up to you how you want to do that.  Instead, I'm getting at how we "see" others.  Do we look at them and assume that we know how their lives are?  Do we think that we can comprehend what it's like in someone else's shoes?  I think we (unintentionally, most of the time) do.  I think it takes reading someone's vulnerable blog (see above), hearing them share their hearts, and asking real questions about their lives to get any sort of true understanding about how their life is right now.  And you know what's scary about that?  How often do you do/see those things on a regular basis?  I'll be honest, for me, it's not nearly often enough.  I tend to play by the rules of the "easy out", which goes something like this - if you really need me or have something you'd like to share, you'll let me know.  

Right?  Wrong.  Like I said, it's an easy out, one that I'm not proud of.

Okay, in light of that, let this be an anthem.  Your anthem, my anthem, all of us.  Don't be fooled by the optical illusion.  Don't expect vulnerability, but encourage it in others and display it yourself.  Don't expect others to come to you, but go to them to find out what's really going on.  Don't take the easy out, be intentional.   

So here I am, saying right now it's hard. No optical illusions allowed here :-)  Don't forget your anthem! 

Invisible Dads

I've only been a mom for a little over two weeks, but I've already noticed that dads really have a rough time in a lot of ways.  From getting very little time off to take care of a new baby and recovering mother, to the medical community pretty much ignoring their presence - dads, especially new dads, really get the raw end of the deal.

And it kinda makes me mad.

I know what you're thinking. At least I think I do... "What?! The moms have it waaaaaaaaay harder, crazy lady!"  Of course being a mom is hard, but we already know that.  There are literally entire sections of the library that cover that topic.  Therefore, there's no reason for me to go into it further (and much less eloquently than the professionals).  Right? Right. :) Ok, back to the topic at hand...

Last week was Axel's first doctor's appointment.  Ryan rushed home from work so that he could take us to it (who knew you weren't supposed to drive right after giving birth?!?) and when they got us into the room they asked us to get Axel undressed.  Ry quickly took charge, undressing him expertly, handling Axel's diaper blowout AND peeing all over himself like an old pro, which the nurse was clearly surprised by.

The thing is, she shouldn't be surprised, because there are a lot of really great dads out there (and I happen to be lucky enough to be married to a pretty spectacular one :)).  Throughout our (first and second) hospital stay, I watched as my husband patiently handled the many nurses and medical professionals who only spoke to me, with some not even acknowledging his presence. Not to mention, he did all of this while simultaneously fielding all of the phone calls/texts from fam and friends, taking care of our house and dogs, AND pretty much everything else in our lives (can we say superman?!? :))  I couldn't figure out why he was being treated this way... I mean, I understand that sometimes there isn't a dad around, but when there is, shouldn't they be considered as an equal partner?

It got me thinking, and where I landed wasn't pretty.  But before I say it, keep in mind that I know I've only been a mom a short while, so I certainly don't claim to know everything...  (yet ;) ) but, I've also experienced having an awesome dad (Dan The Man), so I feel like I've got a good perspective from the other side of things as well.

Here goes!

We all know about absentee fathers, dads who walk out, or those who just don't seem very invested in the lives of their children.  There is no excuse for that, absolutely none.  But, aside from those situations, have we as a culture made dads invisible?  Expendable? There are families without the traditional male role (father), and obviously I'm not talking about those, that's a different situation entirely. I am talking about those families where there is, or was, a dad, and we've cut him out of the picture, or at least out of any important role.

We've either expected so little, or discouraged them so much, is it a wonder at all when some men live up to such poor expectations?  Again, I am not excusing a not-so-great father by any means, I'm just saying that it seems like we do a pretty crappy job of encouraging men to be good fathers.  And yes, I do mean encourage.  Genuinely.  And just to clarify, encouraging is not the cranky complaining of a spouse/partner who is short-tempered and yelling at the father to do more.  Why do we encourage?  Because, just like motherhood, not every guy is good at fatherhood naturally, and may need some help and positive reinforcement along the way.  That said, this does not remove any level of responsibility for a man to be a good father - it is ultimately up to him to do that, to put in the time and energy, but we can certainly do our best to help them!

To say our society is to be blamed would be useless, but I will say that it is certainly makes things worse.  Just look at how we treat fathers differently than mothers on the most basic of levels - most jobs won't give paternity leave, which keeps most men who would like to be more supportive from doing so, as well as taking away opportunities to bond with their new child.  They rarely get the ability to take time off work to be more involved in their kid's lives, and when was the last time you saw a dad taking a day off when the kids are home from school (you don't, because employers expect that the mom will do this, not dad)?  We have lack-luster dads out there, it's true, but we also have a lot of dads who WANT to be more involved, but we (our culture) make it very hard for them.  Some dads have exited the picture, but some dads have been exed-out of the picture without much say.  

It shouldn't need to be said, but I'll say it anyway - fathers should not be expendable. They should not be invisible.  They should be encouraged and supported to be the best dads that they can be.  Absolutely.  Entirely. 100% of the time.  'Nough said.

I could go on, but I'll end here, because I don't want it to turn into ranting... (if it hasn't already :)) but I'll leave you with the following thought:

We can't expect fathers to be mothers, just like we wouldn't expect mothers to be fathers, BUT, in a society where a lot of dads don't even stick around, shouldn't we be doing our absolute best to encourage the ones that do?

(And props to my awesome hubby, who is already an amazing father!)

Axel - Our Story

Fair warning, as the title suggests, this is a baby-centric post... so, if you're not so interested in the recent addition to our family, the following will bore you to tears, and I suggest that you save yourself the pain and just skip it :)

Ok, you've been told... here goes!

Axel's journey into this world started when my water broke at 11:53PM on Sunday, January 26th. Except, I didn't know if my water really had broken... I woke up out of a dead sleep (that I'd been in for less than an hour) and awkwardly tried to wake Ryn up.  Keep in mind, we weren't expecting our little bundle of joy for at least another two weeks, so we hadn't really discussed how this whole "we're having a baby" conversation should go.  And because of that, it went (awkwardly) like this:

Me: Uh, Ryan?
Ryan: (snnooooooooooooore)
Me: Ryan, I think my water just broke...
Ryan: (awake now!) What?!
Me: I think my water just broke.
Ryan: You think?
Me: Well, I don't know, I've never had this happen before...
Ryan:  Isn't there some way to check?

Not exactly how you see it happen in the movies...  :)

So while I tried to determine if my water had actually broken, or if I had peed myself (which hasn't happened to me, but I've heard is pretty common with preggos), Ryan prayed that it wasn't the beginning of birth... Not because we didn't want to see our future baby, but because we'd both agreed that there was only one day that we didn't want our son born on, and that was Ryan's 30th birthday - which would start 7 minutes after my water broke.  And indeed it had!

So off to the hospital we went - slowly of course :)  Not only was Axel making his way into the world 2 weeks early, but he was doing it very fast as well - even though labor didn't actively start until about 2:30am, and after a few crazy hours of pushing (2 hours and 20 min to be exact), our baby boy was born at 12:40pm on January 27th, 2014.  Stealing his father's birthday glory now and forevermore :)  I'm not gonna get into the gory details of birth (in the blog anyway, if you want 'em lemme know, I'm happy to share in person :)), but I will say this - it is hardcore. F'reals. Luckily, I had an amazing husband who was absolute perfection throughout the whole process!

Also, for any of you out there who haven't had a baby yet and are working on your birth plan, I have one word for you: flexibility.  You never know what's going to happen during the process and if you hold too tightly to what you wanted or expected to happen, you might be unnecessarily disappointed.  And at the end of the day, you will hold a happy, healthy baby in your arms and that is all that matters!

Anyway, back to the dets.

Like I said, Axel was born at 12:40pm, weighing in at a hefty 8 lbs and 15 oz, just shy of 9 lbs - thank GOD he was early! I.Would.Have.Died.  He is 20.5 inches long and just the cutest lil' squishball of a baby you've ever seen (mother's opinion of course - but I feel justified in this, because usually I feel like most babies look pretty similar, and, well, newborns just aren't my thang)!

We decided on the name Axel Daniel Randall Lindstedt.  Axel is the name of two of Ryan's great-great-grandfathers, and it means "Father of Peace", which we felt was fitting because 1) he was born on his father's birthday and 2) after years of trying to decide when we should have kids, we finally felt peace, and low and behold, this lil' wonder came along!  Daniel is my father's name, and I don't know a better man to have my son named after!  Randall is Ry's dad's name, and a pretty awesome dude himself  :)  It's a bit of a mouthful, but you know us, go big or go home!

Axel's journey home took a bit longer than anticipated. Because he was such a big baby (did I mention, ALMOST 9 lbs?!?!? Ahhhh!), he had pretty significant cranial bruising and swelling, which made him highly at risk for jaundice.  We were released to go home on Wednesday after his birth, but had a home visit from the nurse first thing the next day and based on his extremely high numbers, he had to be readmitted to the hospital immediately for treatment for jaundice.

I'll tell you what - I have experienced some scary things in my life, but rushing him back to the hospital is a moment that I hope never to relive again.  And boy, do those post-baby hormones kick in fast!  I'm not a crier, but the tears (and snot) flowed freely that day.  Luckily, the hospital let me board there so I could still be with him when he wasn't getting treatment, which was so amazing!  I don't know if I could have left him there to be honest.  I would have been that creeper who just hung out at the hospital for 3 days :)

He took a little longer to respond to treatment then they were hoping, but finally, by Saturday night (Feb 1st), we were able to take him home for good!  And boy did it feel awesome!  Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd immediately overwhelming :)  Holy being-parents Batman!

And here we are, one week later, and getting into the swing of things with this whole parenting deal.  There's not a whole lot of sleep happening around our house, or really much of anything other than changing diapers and feeding, but I'm not gonna lie, even a hardcore non-baby-person like myself, can definitely say that it's completely different when it's your baby.  We are so blessed to have this lil' miracle, and are praying every day that we can be the parents that he needs, living out God's plan for us and for him.

So there ya go folks! You've officially "met" the newest member of our fam - Axel!