The last year has been a "season" for me. And much of that season has been learning how to not say sorry.
Say what now? Aren't we supposed to learn how to say we're sorry more and not the opposite?? Bear with me here, I'll explain...
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Learning NOT to say I'm sorry, for me, has been centered in GROWTH. And growth is primarily the outcome of learning. So I've been learning. A lot. I've been learning about focusing on the right things. Learning to forgive myself and others. Learning to move on and let the past go. Learning that my identity is NOT in my performance. Learning that no matter how hard I try, I will never be perfect, both in my eyes, and the eyes of others. Learning that it is not my responsibility to make sure everyone is happy all of the time. Learning that sometimes you have to let others walk out whatever they need to do, even if it's hard to watch. Learning that I will make mistakes and so will others. Learning that I am building a foundation for myself, my marriage, my family... and that even though things are hard in the moment, the work that I am doing now will pay off in the end. And, learning that making (and keeping) boundaries is a lot harder than just letting yourself be walked all over (which seems ironic).
All of that sounds exhausting, huh? And yet, my biggest learning has been about the difference between being "sorry" and having compassion for others when they make choices that negatively impact themselves.
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A little backstory for you. I grew up always saying sorry for eeeeeeeeeeer'ything (Enneagram 3 much? 🙋). In fact, if you've spent any amount of time with me as an adult, you know it's practically a disease in itself. I accidentally close the door not knowing that you were coming up the steps behind me and I say "I'm so sorry!", the brownies I baked for you didn't turn out picture perfect and I say "I'm so sorry!", YOU step on YOUR own foot and I say "I'm so sorry!" You get the picture.
My friends even created a game to try to curb my "I'm sorry" habit - much to my chagrin... The game goes like this, if I say "sorry" for something that isn't something that I should be sorry for, then they get to throw whatever is closest to them at me. This worked well after a little trial and error... the rule of "aim for the torso", as well as "no sharp objects" were both quickly implemented with overwhelming success 😂 While my "sorry" habit still hung around, at least it provided some much-needed comic relief, and added bonus, I've gotten reeeeeeally good at ducking!
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But back to growth. I've spent a lot of time over the last year learning. Learning from the Bible, learning through the Enneagram, learning through counseling, learning from my relationships...
I learned that the term "sorry" is usually misused, and that the true core of what the word is supposed to mean needs to be centralized in wrong-doing (intent to be hurtful) and the parts of making things right are 1) giving or asking for forgiveness and 2) reconciliation.
As I learned, I quickly realized that for most of my life, I have focused all of my energy on making sure that no one was ever "mad" at me. I was saying "sorry" to try to diffuse any anger that was being directed my way, even if I didn't do anything wrong. I've spent years saying "sorry" for many things that were not in my control, nor were they even things I had done to the person whom I was saying sorry to. Not only was it ineffective, but it made me feel terrible ALL of the time AND it damaged my relationships by causing unhealthy habits to be born instead of true healing. And for goodness sake, what a ridiculous way to spend all of your energy (especially when your career is in HR!).
Not only was this habit unhealthy for me and for others, it was also completely impossible to attain and maintain. But, that's what I did. All of the time. In fact, I spent so much time and energy trying to make everyone happy and not mad at me, that I truly believed that was normal. I thought that's what life was supposed to be like, spending all of your energy trying to please others...
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Now, don't get me wrong - I have messed up plllllllleeeeeenty in my life. And there have been MANY times that an apology was not only necessary, but amends definitely needed to be made. So hear me on this, I am not talking about not seeking forgiveness just because I was "tired of saying I'm sorry". That's a given - when we actively or intentionally hurt someone, yes, forgiveness and reconciliation need to occur.
I am talking specifically about how WE process SOMEONE ELSE's hurt.
And here is what I learned: Discernment is the key.
When someone comes to us to tell us about hurt, we have to stop and listen - not just hear their words, but discern what is actually going on. Hearing what others have to say to us about feeling hurt, and before responding, discerning whether that "hurt" is something that 1) was caused by their own actions (therefore the response is compassion, not an apology), or 2) I have directly caused by my actions (therefore the response is an apology).
This might sound like semantics, but I promise it's not, and here's why:
Sometimes people are wrong about their own feelings, and they redirect their hurt and place the cause of it on others. And when that occurs, to keep a relationship healthy, it's very important for there NOT to be an apology just to diffuse the situation. Because an apology is asking for forgiveness, and if that person caused their own hurt, there is no apology needed from the other person (perhaps self-forgiveness is needed, but that's a whole other topic!). And if an apology is offered, this causes a habit to be born, but more importantly, it also reinforces that the other person did something wrong or hurtful, even when they didn't. It re-writes the past, it takes root and creates justification for hurt in the future, and it does nothing for the present except to "calm the waters". It doesn't offer peace, it doesn't aid in reconciliation - in fact, it makes it harder to attain in the future.
Does that mean that we just ignore the person who came to us with hurt? Of course not! So if offering an apology is not the right path, what is? Compassion. Acknowledging that someone is in pain, and offering them love and compassion. It does not redirect that responsibility for their hurt to yourself, it doesn't cause additional harm, and it doesn't make one persons choices the burden of the other person.
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An apology is ONE of the steps in the process of forgiveness, but growing up, I always thought it had to be the first one. But real life doesn't work that way, and hurt gets messy pretty fast. Sometimes both people have wronged each other. Sometimes one person doesn't even know that the other person is hurt and therefore cannot do anything about it. Sometimes people will tell you that you hurt them, demand an apology, not accept it, refuse to move on, and state that it's your fault because you didn't apologize correctly - and if you believe that the apology is always the first step, this would continually place you back at the "beginning" of the process each time - while also placing that person in a position of control over you, and that is not true forgiveness and reconciliation. So an apology can't always be the first step of forgiveness, it is a part of the process, but it all depends on what the hurt looks like and how best to get to the heart of the matter.
I'm not going to claim to be the expert in forgiveness and reconciliation, because I clearly am not (CLEARLY since I am 37 years old and just now figuring this whole business out 😜). But what I've learned is that the "sorry" or apology, is actually a very small part of the forgiveness and reconciliation process - and it is often magnified to be considered the WHOLE process, instead of just a small part. An apology doesn't "fix" what has already happened, it doesn't just magically erase any hurts or wounds - but it is an acknowledgment in order to move forward in the relationship.
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And here is what blew my mind and changed the way I live: Just because you apologize, does not mean that the other person will choose to forgive and move toward reconciliation. You cannot control the other persons actions or feelings.
(Insert you reading this and thinking "Uh, yeah, duh!")
Yeah, I know, seems pretty basic right? But if you recall, I've lived my entire life trying to keep everyone happy, and apologizing in order to keep the peace. So by actually accepting that others may choose to not forgive me, even if I did nothing wrong, it is life-changing. Realizing that I've spent much of my life on a fools errand, trying to get others to not be mad at me, but never expecting any responsibility from them to also do what they needed to do in order to be reconciled. I can apologize until I am blue in the face, but whether the other person chooses to accept that apology, forgives me, and moves forward without continuing to focus on that hurt in the future is up to them. And that, my dear friends, is where all of my learning lead to healing.
Because when I realized that, I was freed from the burden of "guilt" that I have carried all of my life. All of the people that were upset with me, that I apologized to, but they never got over whatever hurt they felt I caused them (and in some cases, upon further reflection, I didn't actually cause). Even though I did MY part to make it right, they did not. They couldn't move past it. And yet I was the one who felt the burden, I was the one who felt I had failed. Perhaps I hadn't done it "right", perhaps if I had just said the words differently or better, or perhaps I really had hurt them so deeply that they could never get over it. The answer to all of those "perhaps" ponderings and doubts is: No. It's "no", because I cannot control the choices of others, no one can. All you are responsible for is yourself and your actions. I do not have to carry the burden of responsibility for someone else choosing not to forgive me and move forward.
And let me tell you, that concept has changed my life. Does it seem like common knowledge... Yes. And honestly, maybe it comes naturally to most people. But it didn't for me - and the freedom I have started to experience from it has healed so many places in my heart.
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And while this has been incredibly freeing for me, and so much good has come out of it, not everyone likes it. People that have become accustomed to being apologized to, even (or especially) if the apology wasn't deserved, do not like when things change, and that has been a hard road to walk. When you've spent your entire life apologizing in order to have the figurative scale of relational peace restored, even if you weren't the one who created hurt, it's hard to fight the habit when you know that the "right" thing could also cause the dynamic in your relationships to shift. Or the relationship to end entirely.
It's hard work to stick with this whole thing, and it's easy to slip into old habits (Ryan is SO good at keeping me accountable, because I'll say "I'm sorry" and he'll say "No, you aren't, you have nothing to be sorry for!") because they are comfortable, and because they alleviate the uncomfortable feeling of someone being mad at me. But just saying "I'm sorry" to stop feeling that discomfort only puts a band-aid on things that actually need true forgiveness and reconciliation to be healed.
So, I'm still learning. I'm still trying to sort out the lies I've been told, by my own brain, and by the actions of others - trying to discern truth from misconceptions - trying to let go of the burden of guilt when it tries to creep up again. It's all a process. A process of being free.
I'll leave you with this quote that I really love, because it is so simple, but yet it speaks volumes about the intentions and hearts of both ourselves and of others:
"An offense is something that happens to you. Being offended is a choice" - Stephen Furtick
You may not always be able to control what happens to you, but you can control what you do about it. 💕💕💕
