And yet.
There is more to the story. Seems like there always is.
The last 4 months have been nothing short of a blur. As you can imagine, a maternity leave over an already-busy summer season, paired with three kids and tons of to-do's, lots of things randomly breaking around our house (like, you know, a dishwasher, and a car (twice), pretty crucial things to survive life...), and returning to work, everything has flown by. Perhaps I could blame my silence over here on that, but it wouldn't be very honest or forthcoming, and I think that the real reason is important to share.
After one of the hardest seasons of my life, a pregnancy that basically kept me from enjoying the majority of the things that I love (namely food!), I was ecstatic to have a perfect little bundle of joy AND to be able to engage with life again after nearly a year of being sick. So I was completely unprepared for the dramatic shift in hormones that had me crawling the walls with severe anxiety. We're talking waking in the middle of the night multiple times, up for hours (and not because of the baby), and unable to shake horrible imagined scenarios (none of which were even remotely plausible). I felt consumed by being fearful of leaving Asher, unable to break free from what seemed like realistic reasons to be afraid.
While I'd never experienced postpartum depression, which I was fairly familiar with by hearing about from others, this was something very different, something I hadn't heard anyone else talk about - extreme postpartum anxiety. Trying to "get outside of it" seemed impossible, and self talk only worked if I could have some semblance of normal thought process... But I felt like a robot, things were on a loop in my brain, frantic to get things accomplished and in order, but at the same time unable to really focus on anything, constantly moving and doing at an impossible rate. I was uber-productive, reorganizing entire areas of our home, cooking, cleaning, doing ALL of the things, but still never being able to rest.
There are so many hard things about having a baby, but whenever anyone would ask how I was doing, I felt foolish for saying anything other than "good!". How could I complain? How could I be struggling? This was my third child, I knew the ropes and nothing was really "new". Asher was an incredibly easy baby since day 1 (literally every nurse and doctor we've seen has commented on how chill and easy he is), he has slept through the night since 5 weeks old with zero sleep training, and is pretty much happy 24/7. How could I be anything less than ecstatic all of the time? There are women who have ridiculously hard newborns and have complications and truly awful things happen. Though I had a really horrible pregnancy, I had an easy baby, over a beautiful summer season filled with family and friends, able to have a few days a week with just Asher sans the "big boys"... I had the maternity leave I had dreamed of and worked so hard to plan. So how could I even think of complaining about struggling with this extreme anxiety? It seemed so ridiculous compared to what others have struggled with, and honestly, like something I should be able to just pull myself up by the bootstraps and "get over". And yet, it consumed me. I didn't recognize myself. And I certainly didn't like myself.
But I didn't know how to make it better - I tried eating healthier, working out, seeing my counselor, taking supplements, praying (SO much praying), but nothing seemed to make a substantial difference. I had never felt this way after having Axel and Arlo, so I knew that this was different, but I tried to convince myself that this was just a phase. But after months of sleeping poorly, unable to think clearly, constantly trying to right the ship, and finding myself unable to cope, I was at the end of my rope. Finally, in desperation, and after an incredibly awful week, I broke down and set up an appointment with my midwife. I was officially diagnosed with severe postpartum anxiety.
Honestly, I didn't even know that was a thing. I'd heard all about postpartum depression and what I was experiencing was definitely not that. But I was so relieved to know that I wasn't crazy (well, sort of ;)), that something real was happening with my hormones and brain chemistry. I almost balked when my midwife suggested medication, because even though I FULLY support this for those struggling with anxiety and depression (it's a real thing people!), I still felt myself fighting the stigma... that I should be "strong enough" to beat this on my own. But after months of just trying to survive, she convinced me to at least try to see if it helped. I started medication the next day.
And you guys, within a few days it just started to get better. Not all at once, and truly, it has been a hard journey, but, bit by bit, I have been finding healing. Starting to find myself again. It's like a fog was lifted... I can think clearly, I'm not plagued by anxiety, I'm able to sit down and actually enjoy my angel baby and my precious older boys. I can sit and relax without feeling the need to do five million things. I didn't even realize how bad it had gotten until I started to feel better and realized how feeling safe and relaxed could feel again.
I have been deeply grateful for the incredible support from my husband, family, and friends, who continuously (and sometimes obsessively) checked in and bombarded me with offers of help. I truly could not have made it without them.
I could never have predicted this, especially after such a difficult pregnancy, I had expected to be nothing more than extremely relieved and ecstatic to be done being pregnant and moving on to the next phase of life. But, you know, life doesn't work like that :)
Typically I wouldn't share something so personal (and honestly, feeling pretty vulnerable over here as I type this), but I consider myself to be a pretty informed mama, and I'd never heard of postpartum anxiety - so I felt it was extremely important for me to not only be transparent about what I went through, but also to share so that if any other mamas (or future mamas, or baby daddys who need to watch out for the mama in their lives!) ever experience this they know where to turn and how to get help.***
It's been quite a year (we found out we were pregnant with Asher exactly a year ago today :)). But I wouldn't trade this little face for the world. Thankful for healing and peace, and a God that is bigger than anything we will ever face...
***If you or someone you love is experiencing anything like what I described above, please check out this site https://www.postpartum.net/learn-more/anxiety-during-pregnancy-postpartum/ and contact your doctor ASAP.
